visitor

Hi Maggie,

The dream was in the last house Mom and Dad lived in - the one where you lived to go to high school. And you're right, it was never my childhood home.  But I never had the sense of having a childhood home.  We lived in the house we moved to when Dad was sent to Viet Nam for about three years, then I lived in the house where I went to high school for a little over three years. That was the longest I ever lived anywhere.  And I didn't  really feel like either was home.

We always had a place to live, but I never felt like I was home.

Maybe my dream was in that last house because Mom and Dad were there for 36 years. It is the place my children identified as a family home.  I was only ever a visitor. Kind of explains the way I often feel like a visitor.

Maybe I was tapping into Dad's lineage, as you mentioned. It fits.  It is the source of much pain.

I was shocked when you associated your son's view of an evil earth and evil people with me.  I actually believe the Earth is divine, and breathtaking and a gift so beautiful I almost can't comprehend it.  And I believe that people are good and kind and intelligent...but the ongoing violations destroy our humanity. 

I think my feelings of being overwhelmed have more to do with me not fitting, not the world being less than a miracle.

But there are moments of - I want to get off...or, maybe, I want it all to be different.

Congrats to my nephew!!  It's nice to have direction.

I got little sleep last night and worked extra hours today. Exhaustion is settling on my poor brain...'til tomorrow...love and hugs from Clare.

stress

Clare,

I would love to visit, but I will be Reiki-ing all day Saturday. I got tickets for a college basketball game for Saturday for husband and the young men- to alleviate my guilt for being out of the house all day. It is a birthday present that he has wanted- it just happened to be VERY well timed.

I had spotty internet this past weekend- so I didn't check in.

I had some pretty intense discussions with my older son. He was accepted to the glass arts program that he wants to attend- so he's very excited. But,b before he checked the mail he was in angst over the meaninglessness of life…
what's the point?
won't we all die anyway?
what if I'm in the wrong universe?
this doesn't feel like home to me (universal sense).
We disagree on a fundamental idea…
I believe the world and people are good.
He believes the world and people are evil.
It is hard to find consensus when we are opposed so fundamentally- but we respect each other's ideas.

He was reminding me a lot of you dear sister- stop the world I want to get off!

Once he got the acceptance letter he was much less unsettled. He is starting to think about where he can live next year. He's leaning towards Phila. although I think it would be a mistake to live 30 minutes from campus. The commute would get old…
and he wouldn't really connect with other students if he didn't live close enough to socialize.

One more important turn…
he agreed to the background checks to allow the foster application to move forward.
I guess he needed time and space.
We all do.
Anyway- I am grateful to him for his open-ness to change.

I think you a re right about the stress and memory. I am sensing stress- poor appetite, interrupted sleep, poor concentration. Honestly, I think the idea of bringing the young men is so right, but the reality is daunting. I know we will have periods where we will clash and have conflict. I know it isn't going to be all happily ever after. But I also know that in the long run this is going to help them to be better adults. Perhaps keep them out of jail…
since that is what happens to so many young, black males.
It will offer them the opportunity to work towards their potential. I do have to admit to myself that I am concerned about what this will bring. It is all about LOVE. Love is enough to overcome obstacles.


The dreams are interesting. Which parental house did you visualize? The last one they were in? If so, it is weird to link that to resolution of your young past since you weren't a child in that house.
Houses represent souls- whose souls were you tapping into?
I have a sense that the grandparent's house with the black sense was either our paternal grandfather or the great-grandparent who was notoriously mean- that feels more correct to me. I think you were getting close to that dark energy that fed dad's family.
Maybe you can work to shine Light there…
Light turns darkness around…
maybe you can do some psychic work to Lighten the family tree.
"To see lilies in your dream symbolize tranquility, spirituality, faith, peace, purity, joy and bliss. It is also connected mourning."

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

pink lilies

And last night I dreamed about beautiful, healthy pink lilies. I was in my backyard with a group of people, and I looked to the west. In my yard was a bed with lots of pink lilies. I asked everyone to look!

Again, feels portent!  Sharing so I don't forget. And in case you have insight!

Love and hugs from Clare

scattered toys

Hi Maggie,

It's so nice to hear you so excited about life.

About the forgetting...I do that when I am under a lot of stress.  I was supposed to go to an extended worship tomorrow, but things have been crazy and I agreed to help a kid and then I remembered I had another commitment...

I can remember past periods where I forgot meetings, I forgot to make calls - I just was not following through. That is not like me.  Every time, though, I realized there was something painfully stressful happening in my life.  Once the stress released, memory returned.

Oh well, if it's dementia, have fun. My late mother-in-law suffered dementia in the end, and became a little naughty.  She was delighting in shocking my daughters with stories of her exploits.  They treasure those moments, when she was most real!

Not sure what the definition of beauty is, and I'm still not owning it. I will be gracious, and say I believe you see something I don't, and that maybe it is there, but I am not whole enough to own it yet.

But I think I am getting closer.

It's just that owning it makes me vulnerable - in ways I don't understand, but which scare the crap out of me!

At this age, we all bear scars. Yours are more vivid and violent than most.  But you are right - they are the scars that prove you have survived.  You have a will to be reckoned with.  

I definitely want Reiki from you. Make an appointment..and don't forget me! I look forward to hearing what you learn!

I had a dream last night that seems to have a message...not sure what, yet. I had to go to the town where Aunt MJ lives.  I'm not sure why.  When it was time to head home, I was exhausted. I didn't think I could make it all the way home. I thought maybe I could spend the night in our grandparent's home on the hill. As I got there, I saw a thick black substance covering the house.  I could "see" it filling each room. I started to feel like I was suffocating.  I knew I could not go there, it was bad. So I continued to the house Mom and Dad lived in for so many years.  I got there, and it was light and opened, and littered with toys.  I could hear snoring, and thought B#4 was asleep upstairs.  I decided to go to the bathroom - more toys, then move more of the toys and sleep on the couch.

Toys scattered seem to be littered remains of our childhood.  The fact that the space was light and open seems welcoming. Maybe I am coming to a place of peace with our childhood trauma. Maybe I am seeing something new.  Maybe I'm ready to see some of the joyful moments - because it was not all bad...

Quiet weekend here. Grocery shopping, time with grandchildren...Next weekend S#3will be here without kids. Big girl birthday time...wanna come???

Love and hugs from Clare

grateful

Clare,

You are BEAUTIFUL!
That is the definition of beauty.

Superficial beauty is so cliche…
and nebulous…
and fleeting…
one moment you glimpse it, the next it may be gone.
True beauty is in character.

I look at my body now.
Lumps where breasts should be…
scars instead of nipples…
no sagging, no stretch marks…
no movement…
they just stay put...
nice…
never have to wear a bra...
but not natural.
There's nothing beautiful about them superficially.
Their beauty is deep…
they are the evidence of our fight against cancer, of courage, of pain, of growth…
they are a reminder of how fleeting life is…
how precious life is…
how insignificant mammary glands really are in the big scheme of life.
But, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable naked with another human again.
I don't know if I can get that comfortable with the changes.

Boundaries are so difficult, especially in households that are so dysfunctional.
One thing that kids need are boundaries and limits…
they bitch and moan and rebel about them, but that's what they really want.
I remember talking with a therapist/friend when my kids were little…
some of my friends/relatives were very permissive with their kids…
I wondered if I was being too neurotic or if I was on track…
she told me that kids need structure and boundaries…
"they have enough friends, they need a parent"…
good advice.

I am really worried that I have dementia.
I showed up 30 minutes late for an appointment last week…
I missed an appointment today because I wrote the wrong practitioner on my datebook…
knew it was not correct…
and cancelled with the person I had written down.
The funny thing is that the practitioner never mentioned that she didn't have us in her schedule.
Anyway…
I think I'm losing it…
if I write it down I expect it to be right…
This is bad!

Next weekend I am doing a reiki 1 level attunement…
I'm so excited.
I will learn to flow reiki energy…
first on myself- level 1...
then on others- level 2...
then on complex cases- level 3.
I am excited to be able to learn this…
maybe the next time we see each other I'll be able to flow reiki for you.
I'm definitely practicing on my horses…
they love it.

I have to work at a health fair tomorrow for my new job. I think I'm there to put out fires, but I actually not sure of my role. I know who is in charge, so I plan on taking direction from her. I was told that this agency that I am working for is the background support for many projects- so I'm heeding that advice and laying low. I'm really looking forward to it though- my first outing alone.

I had a great talk with my friend and yoga instructor last night. I was the only one to show up for yoga class and we talked. We almost ran out of time ( 1.5 hour class) for yoga. She is also doing the reiki class next week and is part of the group to organize the "Integrate Center" that I'm dreaming up.
We talked about trauma and growth…
the alchemy of life.
We talked about turning our past hurts into lessons for ourselves and others.
It left me feeling so heard and connected.
I am surrounded by amazing women at this point in my life.
My new boss, my friends, my co-workers-
a very supportive, nurturing group to be around.
I am a lucky soul.
I am grateful.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

shame - always revisited

Hi Maggie,

I'm glad you are feeling better.  I'm really glad you figured out that you weren't feeling great!

Has your son considered some of the alternative schools - like Evergreen?  or School of the Atlantic? or even Guilford? They rely less on traditional ways of evaluating students, I think.

We were not safe at home, and so we don't have a concept of safe.  Everything seems okay. Or, maybe, we simply don't have boundaries. Maybe our lack of ability to set boundaries stems completely from this truth of our life.  We don't know we are allowed to say: no - no further.

I always felt like Dad was ashamed of us, of me...You damned kids.  I had the feeling, well, because he verbalized so clearly. that I was not worth much.  And I felt like my husband and his family were ashamed of me, also.  There was definitely a level of classism there...Poor Sonny and his flaky, dirty hippy girlfriend.  And sometimes I wonder the same about my kids.  Am I an embarrassment? I don't take care of myself. 

There is a theme in my life, I see.

It seemed to be hitting me today. I was getting ready for a shower and glimpsed myself in the mirror and said something disgusted and unloving to that image. And then, somehow in the shower, I started letting those unkind words rinse away.  I started thinking I deserve to be beautiful. I deserve to live in a beautiful place.

Then I started wondering what beautiful meant.  Leave it to me to turn everything into a logic assignment!  Is this going deeper?  Or escaping the fearful words?  Formal Latin, bellus, was used for women and children and insulting for a man. Even then it was lesser to be female.  The definition I liked best was being in balance and harmony. 

I read a little about a researcher/writer named Elaine Scarry who said that being vulnerable to beauty will lead you to see beauty in everything. Sort of sounds like being in love...the initial stages, which my oldest has termed "pink cloud land."  I am wondering if it is possible to have that, that infatuated bliss with the world, and therefore with self...to maintain it, yet balance in harmony and bliss.  She also said that beauty restores your trust in the world. 

This is thought-provoking, because it bypasses the physical expectations lumped on us by current culture and current media.

Yet, I noticed I was watching something on the internet, and found myself studying eyebrows and thinking about beauty.

So I'm weird today...what is new.

Right now I am thinking that my beautiful body needs to be fed only the most beautiful, nutritious foods...but give me a day and some nicely addicting chocolate, and this will pass...

Hope all is well with you this evening...

Love and hugs from Clare

better

Clare,

I feel much better today. I think I had a virus for the past 10 days…
fatigue, apathy, slight sore throat, congestion, minor GI upset…
BLAHHHHHH…
no fun.
Anyway today I feel better- not 100%…
but functional.

The death of the young men's mother does change the dynamics somewhat.
It really doesn't change their day to day…
they hadn't heard from her in 3+ years, or seen in her in over 5 years.
But- they still described her as their 'best friend'…
and told stories of their young days with her.
This past weekend a few telling pieces of information came out…
she yelled a lot…
and was an embarrassment to them.
I'm not sure where the shame came from.
I do think it adds an element of closure- no longer wishing to reattach…
but not being able to reconnect in this life.
I offered my own perspective- that when a person dies they are still close…
maybe even closer because they're not constrained by the physical plane…
and we can reach out to them at any time.

I wonder about our home when I was young…
I was constantly sleeping at a friend's house on weekends to get away. My elementary school friend's house included an alcoholic father who sometimes came home and beat up his wife. My friend and I would pretend to sleep in her room. It's crazy but that was preferable to being in our house. This was during the time that I was still being molested- I guess if I was spared the physical abuse it was a better situation. What a screwed up sense of safety. There was no real safety.
My lecture today was about regulation ( physical, emotional, behavioral) in traumatized kids…
and how it's damn near impossible to expect regulated reactions when the traumas continue and kids have no one to go to for safety. Safety is so important to development…
and yet it is so overlooked.
Parents who cannot regulate their own emotions/cravings/behaviors can't help their children learn to regulate theirs. What a world we live in.

I gave an exam today…
a poor showing by most of the class…
but there were some bright spots. It makes me frustrated to spend so much time discussing the ideas, concepts, facts…and have them so clueless about what is important.
One woman was trying to ask questions in ways that showed she had no clue what the answer was, but maybe I'd tell her what was correct. I got to the point that I said, "that is something you should have learned prior to this exam".
I spend hours offering study sessions…
most don't take advantage of them…
I offered an extra credit question…
only one explained the whole concept well…
I think I'm getting old and forgetting what a 100 level class looks like…
but I think my questions are pretty basic.
I don't know.
I guess I should reach out to the other instructor and ask what her experience has been.

I am helping my older son apply to college. He's got a crappy GPA, but good SAT scores. He may have to take a semester or two of 'gen eds' to prove himself to get into the competitive program that he wants. He wants to get a degree in scientific glass technology. He is also planning on getting a second degree in glass art and combine the two for a career in glass art. They are both associates degrees- so he's looking at 4 years of school. It's so good to see him pursuing something like this- focused, goal oriented, motivated.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie