slide

I have been trying to eat "live" foods - fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts.  I had a splitting headache yesterday.  Today I am a bit better.

I have been thinking about grief - still - but I have also been thinking about anger and fear.  They seem to be the big trinity.  Grief is inward, lost, painful.  Anger is outward and fiery - more pain. And fear...it is controlling...it seems to push in and rip out.  Fear is also painful.  I've actually been wondering if the three forms of pain lead to different kinds of addictions. 

It just seemed like grief is paired with using food to numb.  But maybe that's just in me.

I just thought, too, that maybe there are six facets. As I stated before, I think that trauma either leads us to control everything in life, so we have a perfectionist like my late mother-in-law.  Or trauma teaches us that we have no control and so we drift rather aimlessly, going wherever others take us.

So maybe there's a grieving controller, a  grieving nomad, and angry controller and an angry nomad, and finally a fearful controller and a fearful nomad.  I think I am the grieving nomad.  And I know I use food to numb.  I have a feeling anger and alcohol go together.  And maybe fear and marijuana...But I don't know.

Maybe I'm just losing myself in words so I don't have to stop grieving.

This morning was beautiful.  It was so beautiful I couldn't bear to be indoors. I ate my breakfast - all fruit - in the backyard, in the company of the trees and orioles and catbirds.  It was so nice.  I didn't want to come back in.

It was my youngest's day off. She came over and we went down to the playground at the lake. I went down the toddler slide. I was a little afraid my hips would get stuck, but I made it!!  I went wading.  I admired the lake and sent her lots and lots of love.

How was your day?

Thinking of you with love...

and hugs from Clare