enough?

Hi Maggie,

I saw a social media meme that was for you...It said,  "I know that when one door closes, another opens, but damn I hate these hallways!"

There was another part of my last experience with Grief that I forgot to note. As we were walking, he sort of zombied, got teeth and tried to bite my face.  I didn't react.  He asked why I wasn't afraid. I thought of the deep depressions I have survived, and said it couldn't be worse than those.  But it gave a whole new meaning to being devoured by grief.

I finished work early, and wanted to pop in quick before my little companion arrives.

I have had a weird experience - 3 times - recently.  I think I hear the phone (twice) or the alarm clock (once) and I jerk awake and listen.  Nothing is happening. But I can't go back to sleep. I feel a bit on edge - like something bad is going to happen.

A friend accidentally left Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection here.  I have been reading it, and I really like it. It speaks to me more deeply, more clearly than Daring Greatly.  I have been thinking about it a lot.  Right now I am reading quickly, because I know it may leave me at any time.  After she is done, my friend promised to lend it to me.  Then I will make notes.

But...I mentioned that I wanted to do a 5K this weekend, and I am disappointed that I am not ready. My youngest son called this morning to see if I was coming and to encourage me to do so, even if I walk the route.  I don't want to go. I want to run my first race, not walk it.  Is this me, and is this valid?  Or am I just finding ways to continue waiting until I am good enough.  It was something I was reading last night - this penchant we have for waiting until things are okay before we emerge and participate in life.

She wrote that we are enough/I am enough even if I weigh too much and my body is not perfect...Do I believe her? Not deep in my soul.  Logically and verbally - sure.  But truly?  Not so much. 

How do we dig the swamp out of our souls???

Love and hugs...

Clare

I suddenly wondered if the pathological greed of the very wealthy is the same - afraid they do not have/are not enough...