Mommy Jekyll-Mommy Hyde

“If we do not know how to transform and heal the wounds in ourselves, we are going to transmit them to our children and grandchildren.”
-- Thich Nhat Hanh 


Good morning my Sister!

Today is extended worship.  Three hours of silence to start.  I am still very nervous.  Not as much because of the potential in the silence, but because I am afraid I will fall asleep. And if I do, what if I snore?  These are well-founded fears. We had thunderstorms last night.  The baby and the dogs were restless.  One of my dogs shakes and hides.  I did not get much restful sleep.

I remember staying with Grandma once, and she fell asleep in the afternoon.  When she woke up she asked me if she snored. I said no, she just made funny noises with her nose...

I still struggle with safe, maybe because I don't know safe.  And if one does not know safe, it is hard to recognize safe enough.  Maybe I am more comfortable with smart enough, kind enough, pretty enough because I have had flashes of being okay, being acceptable.  Safe may always be  a struggle for me.  That makes it hard to trust.  But I can fake it, I suppose.

Another random thought - I read an article once about someone who planned to take a vacation some place fabulous.  Travel plans got all screwed up and the person ended up some place different.  So we mourn.  We are not where we planned to go.  It's normal to be sad.  But stop, look around, where you are is also interesting and good...okay...maybe more than okay.  Your son, and you, are mourning not being in the first place.  Sometimes that is how we realize  where we want to be...But with all of your struggles, you are in a good place.  I personally prefer the people who do it different. who think along the way and don't conform to meaningless social rituals.  Take a breath - for some they are not meaningless, but there is always a different way of seeing the world, and much of what we do seems pretty stripped of meaning.

I read an article that profoundly touched my soul.  The link is at the bottom of the page.  I lifted some of the most pointed quotes and embedded them here. They are in bold font.

I was Mommy Jekyll-Mommy Hyde.  I was a fun, patient, creative, involved mom who could turn into a screaming monster.  Their dad was as uninvolved as he could possibly be - he creatively pushed the limits every week.  My closest friend called him Uncle Daddy.  My kids had no safe place to go.  Hmmmmm...another generation of not safe.  I did that...

Thank heavens I went to Al-Anon and found my balanced mommy before leaving the marriage.  At that point his behavior was causing more and more pain.  But I was finally becoming safe.


But this article really slammed me...

The quotes are in the order I found them in the article

“The point of yoga isn’t to replace the darkness with light,” she said. “No. We are working to integrate and honor all of life’s energies.”  

As a Quaker, this speaks to me.  And trying to find time to work with the Rex Ambler meditations, this really hits my soul.  I am thinking about ways to honor the dark.  No, really - how do we honor the parts of ourselves that caused the shadow, that kept us in the dark?  These parts are the inner hero - it's how we kept ourselves alive.

Gotta keep loving that little scapegoat!


Underneath anger is always the wound of grief. Sadness is the undercurrent characterizing the life of the verbally abusive. Underneath the ugly words is a great deal of heartache. 

Maybe we should start working with grief.  Maybe I will research the word a little and see what I can find. I find this quote soothing and healing.  Yes, I am in pain.  Yes, I am sad.  Does anyone see me?  Does anyone care?  I'm right here...

Now, how do I take this pain and see others?  How do I stop this, this blackness on the planet? When we see pain, can we stop and look people in the eyes, see them, really see their souls, and say. "I know it hurts."


We all carry wounds. But do we carry them with gentleness, mindfulness and mercy? If we do, our children will learn how to do the same. 

After grief. I will think about mercy.  I think I need to be merciful with myself, to stop the constant harangue of not enough that bangs around inside my skull so much of the time.

Probably time to watch Brene again...


According to Patricia Evans, author of “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” a verbal abuser doesn’t seek out intimacy in relationships; rather he or she seeks control. 

And this...this is hard.  I say I have not ever gone into another relationship, that I have refused the few who approached, that I packed weight on to be invisible and unacceptable...I say it was to protect the kids.  I saw friends do it wrong, to bring in men who hurt their children, to create situations that sexualized their children.  I did not do that.

Okay.

So was that a good choice?

On some levels - absolutely.  But I feel hollow. I feel invisible.  I want to be invisible, but I want someone to see me.

Do we ever get past schizophrenic?  Is this part of the human experience, or just part of the aftermath of being raised in violence?

Do I fear loss of control?  Is that what makes me panic and shut down when faced with the one man I really wanted to get to know?  I refused to open.  I let fear destroy me.

I want to lose control, but I don't want to lose control.


I am so ready for three hours of silence.  Light help me!

Love and hugs and tears and shudders..and lots of overwhelming emotions from Clare


http://www.phillyvoice.com/daddy-jekyll-hyde-patterns-verbal-abuse-children/