Mr. Grief

Hi Love,
.
I like that you are full of ideas, feeling inspired again.  I know people who are doulas, and I was a peer nursing counselor for years.  I wanted to be a midwife for a longtime, butI never figured out how to make that happen with homeschooled kids and a husband who was only home on weekends.  Maybe next life time!

I met another aspect of self last night.  I was thinking about your post, and about Mercury being retrograde.  And I was thinking that was probably part of it, but another part was my recent devotion and commitment to grief.

I was poking at my grief in the middle of the night,and somehow I realized I was poking another.  I was poking a big, round fat man with a bald head - just a ring of dark hair at about ear level, horn-rim glasses and wearing a black and white checkered shirt.  He holds my grief. He fits me perfectly, so all of   my grief fits into my being. But he's less dense,sort of like formed fog.

He talked about my grief throughout this lifetime.  How I hold it and identify with it.I let it become me.

In the middle of the night, I remembered Mom's stories of my invisible friend, and I wondered if this was him...

This afternoon, I went for a walk with the baby in a backpack.  I haven't been walking much, and I was feeling like I was plodding along. Then I realized I was toting an extra 25 pounds.  But I started to think about this grieving persona, and he was walking beside me...he had left my body. As I walked I felt incredibly sad.  Perhaps he has been holding my grief because I couldn't bear to feel it.  But until I feel it, it can't be released.

I am left wondering if I am a bit schizophrenic with all these selves.  ButI think I am more of a poet, putting names and faces and personalities on facets of self.

Babby is now bored with entertaining herself (by dismantling her shelves of books and toys...sigh) and so I guess I am done...


Love and hugs from Clare

Time for mercy!!