finally quiet

Hi Maggie,

It has been a full weekend, and finally, my house is quiet...we'll except for the storms we continue to have.  We are starting to get some flooding.

Yesterday afternoon I called my middle child, whose wife's birthday it was, and asked if they were coming to the dance.  They said no, but that the kids were hoping I would take them because they wanted to go...so we did, my youngest, my friend and I.  Then they stayed overnight.  And because they were staying overnight, youngest asked if hers could to...because when she works at 7:00 am, getting to my house and back down to work is a long trek which means an early morning.

So I have been on for a long time.  I do enjoy having them here.  It reminds me of when mine were young.  I miss those days so desperately sometimes. But having grandkids here reminds me that I have glamorized my intense mommy-days.

I have been struggling with sugar again.  Like any true addict, I had a little, because I know I can handle a little.  Like any true addict, when I was strong, I knew I would never succumb.  But I did and I ignored it and now I don't feel good and my clothes are uncomfortable and I am unhappy...the cycle is in full gear, yet I am just becoming aware of its beginning.

I read Flight Patterns by Barbara Kingsolver.  It was about Monarch butterflies migrating to the wrong place because of climate change. Scientists descend upon a small town and - there are more changes.  After reading that book, I realized that although I knew about climate change logically, deep inside, I thought things were chaotic now, but everything would get back to normal - eventually. That book led me to understand that changes are permanent.  We are going to be living in a whole new place, if we survive.

Maybe I have the same intellectual lapse about weight.  I eat perfectly now, but can go back to normal later.  Two of my friends lost weight - one lost a lot of weight. Both are regaining, going back to "normal".  I need to allow for a new normal...but to do that I need to be a new self.

I think I am struggling with this a lot.  I am looking at my life and am not happy with where I am or with any potentialities...I see none.  I know that is not the truth, but it's he truth my brain currently accepts.

And I know sugar is affecting the way I interpret everything...

Why was it so easy to stop last year and so hard this year?

I know being 59 is a lot to swallow.  But having my oldest turn 35 really hit me harder.

They are just numbers, but in this culture everything is gauged in numbers.

And onto another subject...I saw an article about a conference at Cambridge where
some experts said it is normal for adult men to be sexually aroused by children.  I was pretty upset.  I think experts can find what they need to find to justify themselves. It's like going back to justifying survival of the fittest, and ignoring the altruist because it doesn't fit your worldview.

This feels like part of the snowball of hatred and against women and children that is rolling downhill toward us, faster and faster, threatening to swallow us all in it's lie.

One thing that came to me is that children are attractive.  That cuteness is what makes us open our hearts and serve them. In a healthy individual, this fires protectiveness in the adult, not lust.  But I wondered about the infantalization of women- the changes we make in order to be attractive. We shave our legs and arm-pits - to remove secondary sexual characteristics.  We redden our lips and make our eyes look larger....

I don't know...I think I'm too tired to think clearly.  Had lots of things I wanted to share yesterday, but no more brain power left today!

Love and hugs from Clare