hi maggie,
i hate the word petty. it is flung at us by people who want to silence us with shame. adults who play favorites, who create the divisions that divide us and rob us of community, of family...they tell us we are petty when we recognize and verbalize injustice, especially inflicted on us.
so maybe the secret is to speak for each other...it's harder to hurl "petty" when we are defending someone else.
i talked to someone who lives in a large city today. she is only home on weekends because of her job. she is separated from family, and especially from her dog. each morning she goes for a run. one morning she encountered a homeless man with a dog. she and this man do not speak the same language, but she and the dog understand each other.
she started bringing kibble for the dog, and bread for the man. one morning he wasn't there, so she broke his bread in half and gave it to two other men. now she brings bread for three, and kibble.
i started wonderimg if there was a way to "adopt" someone in need.
there is a conjunction of jupiter and venus happening now. go out after sunset and look just north of west. apparently this conjunction has not occurred for about 2,000 years. is this why everyone is so edgy?
ch-ch-ch-changes!!
typing with one hand is trying...i'll try again toorrow.
love and hugs from clare
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Sunday, June 28, 2015
A lot to ponder
Clare,
There's a lot to pull apart from those last 2 posts.
First the gay post…
I heard an NPR report that they have linked a 35K year old jaw bone of a Homo Sapien to neanderthal…
there was a large amount of neanderthal DNA intact so scientists started drawing conclusions…
or creating stories to fit those two pieces together.
Homo Sapiens originated in Africa…
Neanderthal in Europe…
You wrote that sexual activity should be between adults of the same species…
Well their story to explain this mixed ancestor was that as Homo Sapiens moved from Africa to Europe they met up an reproduced in Europe…
One species procreated with another…
and created offspring…
Was it rape?
It sounds like it must have been like the Europeans taking Indigenous peoples and raping them…
forcing sex by the power they held over them…
Is modern human a result of rape between 2 species?
It makes you wonder…
The enough post is a topic I go back to over and over again…
We can't afford it…
but there were exceptions made.
I find myself feeling rather petty when I think of who got stuff when I didn't…
so I won't go there.
But we weren't worth the investment is the heart of the matter.
We weren't worth it…
how can we ever be enough?
I've been working this theme with several clients recently…
and yesterday I had an amazing conversation with a friend…
How can we ever be secure in our worth when out parents devalued us…
not just didn't notice us…
but told us to be seen and not heard…
or that we shouldn't waste money on education because we're just going to get married anyway…
or noticed when we were thin or fat…
but never when we were in pain or had accomplished something significant.
My friend told a story of finally telling her truth about domestic violence between her parents to a grandmother…
a few days later grandmother came to visit and my friend was filled with the expectation that something would be done…
the grandmother sat her down and told her that, "We're not really worried about you, But we are concerned for your brother's wellbeing."
My friend was devastated…
Why didn't her safety and peace matter?
She now perceives this as a testimony to her inner strength…
I'm strong enough to handle anything…
but she still hurts because people don't offer to help.
I shared my own feelings , which are very similar to hers…
and yet, last summer, I had to ask for and allow help to come to me.
It was a difficult lesson to learn…
vulnerability…
what a precious blessing.
One year ago, 6/28/14, I became caner-free…
Blessings!
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
There's a lot to pull apart from those last 2 posts.
First the gay post…
I heard an NPR report that they have linked a 35K year old jaw bone of a Homo Sapien to neanderthal…
there was a large amount of neanderthal DNA intact so scientists started drawing conclusions…
or creating stories to fit those two pieces together.
Homo Sapiens originated in Africa…
Neanderthal in Europe…
You wrote that sexual activity should be between adults of the same species…
Well their story to explain this mixed ancestor was that as Homo Sapiens moved from Africa to Europe they met up an reproduced in Europe…
One species procreated with another…
and created offspring…
Was it rape?
It sounds like it must have been like the Europeans taking Indigenous peoples and raping them…
forcing sex by the power they held over them…
Is modern human a result of rape between 2 species?
It makes you wonder…
The enough post is a topic I go back to over and over again…
We can't afford it…
but there were exceptions made.
I find myself feeling rather petty when I think of who got stuff when I didn't…
so I won't go there.
But we weren't worth the investment is the heart of the matter.
We weren't worth it…
how can we ever be enough?
I've been working this theme with several clients recently…
and yesterday I had an amazing conversation with a friend…
How can we ever be secure in our worth when out parents devalued us…
not just didn't notice us…
but told us to be seen and not heard…
or that we shouldn't waste money on education because we're just going to get married anyway…
or noticed when we were thin or fat…
but never when we were in pain or had accomplished something significant.
My friend told a story of finally telling her truth about domestic violence between her parents to a grandmother…
a few days later grandmother came to visit and my friend was filled with the expectation that something would be done…
the grandmother sat her down and told her that, "We're not really worried about you, But we are concerned for your brother's wellbeing."
My friend was devastated…
Why didn't her safety and peace matter?
She now perceives this as a testimony to her inner strength…
I'm strong enough to handle anything…
but she still hurts because people don't offer to help.
I shared my own feelings , which are very similar to hers…
and yet, last summer, I had to ask for and allow help to come to me.
It was a difficult lesson to learn…
vulnerability…
what a precious blessing.
One year ago, 6/28/14, I became caner-free…
Blessings!
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
We can't afford it...
We can't afford it...
Do you remember Mom saying this...all the time. No matter what we needed, wanted, mentioned, we got the same response - we can't afford it.
And mostly, we could not. I look back and marvel sometimes. We had food and a home, we had enough clothes, glasses, we went to the dentist...all on a soldier's salary. And there really wasn't much left over for extras...
But the message that remains is - We can't afford.
This week, I was trying to define the word "afford" to someone learning this language. The definitions I came up with all contained the word "enough".
I suddenly realized we were raised with the idea of not enough. We are not enough, there is not enough...
Just thinking about messages hidden in our daily languag.
Of course, there is enough...but do we need this? Maybe a better answer.
Thinking...Clare
Do you remember Mom saying this...all the time. No matter what we needed, wanted, mentioned, we got the same response - we can't afford it.
And mostly, we could not. I look back and marvel sometimes. We had food and a home, we had enough clothes, glasses, we went to the dentist...all on a soldier's salary. And there really wasn't much left over for extras...
But the message that remains is - We can't afford.
This week, I was trying to define the word "afford" to someone learning this language. The definitions I came up with all contained the word "enough".
I suddenly realized we were raised with the idea of not enough. We are not enough, there is not enough...
Just thinking about messages hidden in our daily languag.
Of course, there is enough...but do we need this? Maybe a better answer.
Thinking...Clare
so gay
Ah Maggie,
It seems you have reached the next door in the damned hall! The hall never really lasts forever...it just seems that way.
Reading and responding to complaints would offer a wonderful perspective of your field. And what a great place to put a Friend!
For your youngest - is this a resilience developing opportunity? It is so hard to be adolescent.
Everyone is reacting to the latest Supreme Court ruling - gay marriage is now legal everywhere in the US. I've been reading some of the responses. One that stopped me was from the Duggars. I was following that story until they began identifying the sisters that were attacked by their brother. As soon as the focus changed to the titillation of identifying victims of a sexual crime, I knew we were not going to go any deeper into this issue.
So, they issued a totally uninspired, almost rote, bible based comment about sin.
And it came to me that many of the people who are so anti-gay, so terrified of homosexuality, seem to be hiding in conservative religion. I thought about how petrified of gays Dad has always been, how vitriolic his hatred. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the understanding of how many families must be just like ours. Families where pain is passed down the line, generations attacking each other sexually. The most powerful members of the family preying on the least powerful.
Little boys who are raped by older men must associate the attack with homosexuality - when it is not. Rape is not about sex, it's always about power. And all our uncles, our grandfather, our brothers, our father - they were/are not gay.
Hmmmm.....maybe someone should research the difference between pedophile, attacking and violating children, and gay - developing adult, egalitarian relationships with same sex partners. Do pedophiles care about gender? Or just discharging pain by causing pain - no matter who they hurt?
I hated putting that paragraph together. It seems to suggest that pedophilia and homosexuality are both aberrant. I do not believe this. I truly believe we have a spectrum of human sexual behavior for healthy adults. At one extreme is the person who only responds to persons of the opposite sex, and at the other, there are those who only respond to persons of the same sex. We are all somewhere on this line, and mostly not at an extreme. And we all want to be in a loving, adult partnership...
Aberrants fall off the spectrum when they sexually respond to children or animals, or anything besides another adult of the same species...
Once it becomes generational, drilled into who we are, how is it possible to get it out?
The biggest thing that has always bothered me about the gay marriage movement, though, is that if we have a true separation of church and state, what is the government doing in the middle of this argument? If marriage is a sacrament, then only a religious group can decide who is married, who is not. I think the only power the government should have is to force businesses, etc. to not discriminate against...well, anyone.
I always liked the movement of just living together - making a commitment to be a family between selves and immediate community. People decide to couple and become a family without notifying the government.
It just seems that allowing the Supreme Court to dictate a sacrament further erodes the Constitution. Of course, that set of rules has been so corrupted...
One last thought before I start cleaning house, in preparation for the arrival of a two year old tornado who will dismantle it...it seems there are two main ways of dealing with secrets - like the secrets in our family. We can pull on fundamental religion. We can insist that everyone obey a set of rigid rules. Marriage is only one man and one woman. God says so. If you deviate a fraction of an inch - you will burn forever. This is fear...and hiding in concrete rules, and pretending that everyone else is also entombed in the same rules...ah, we are safe And the stuff that happens outside of this safe place - it didn't really happen. And if it did - they'll burn in Hell - all of them. Unless it's our family, then it was a minor slip, but he's sorry and God forgave him. So, you know, it really didn't happen...shut up and smile kids. We have to look normal.
Or...we pull it out...like a load of dirty laundry and we wash it as well as we can. And we hang it out for people to notice - if they are interested. And we shine the Light on it, just like we put stained clothes in the sunshine, knowing sunlight removes stains...
Have a wonderful First Day!!
Love and hugs from Clare
It seems you have reached the next door in the damned hall! The hall never really lasts forever...it just seems that way.
Reading and responding to complaints would offer a wonderful perspective of your field. And what a great place to put a Friend!
For your youngest - is this a resilience developing opportunity? It is so hard to be adolescent.
Everyone is reacting to the latest Supreme Court ruling - gay marriage is now legal everywhere in the US. I've been reading some of the responses. One that stopped me was from the Duggars. I was following that story until they began identifying the sisters that were attacked by their brother. As soon as the focus changed to the titillation of identifying victims of a sexual crime, I knew we were not going to go any deeper into this issue.
So, they issued a totally uninspired, almost rote, bible based comment about sin.
And it came to me that many of the people who are so anti-gay, so terrified of homosexuality, seem to be hiding in conservative religion. I thought about how petrified of gays Dad has always been, how vitriolic his hatred. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the understanding of how many families must be just like ours. Families where pain is passed down the line, generations attacking each other sexually. The most powerful members of the family preying on the least powerful.
Little boys who are raped by older men must associate the attack with homosexuality - when it is not. Rape is not about sex, it's always about power. And all our uncles, our grandfather, our brothers, our father - they were/are not gay.
Hmmmm.....maybe someone should research the difference between pedophile, attacking and violating children, and gay - developing adult, egalitarian relationships with same sex partners. Do pedophiles care about gender? Or just discharging pain by causing pain - no matter who they hurt?
I hated putting that paragraph together. It seems to suggest that pedophilia and homosexuality are both aberrant. I do not believe this. I truly believe we have a spectrum of human sexual behavior for healthy adults. At one extreme is the person who only responds to persons of the opposite sex, and at the other, there are those who only respond to persons of the same sex. We are all somewhere on this line, and mostly not at an extreme. And we all want to be in a loving, adult partnership...
Aberrants fall off the spectrum when they sexually respond to children or animals, or anything besides another adult of the same species...
Once it becomes generational, drilled into who we are, how is it possible to get it out?
The biggest thing that has always bothered me about the gay marriage movement, though, is that if we have a true separation of church and state, what is the government doing in the middle of this argument? If marriage is a sacrament, then only a religious group can decide who is married, who is not. I think the only power the government should have is to force businesses, etc. to not discriminate against...well, anyone.
I always liked the movement of just living together - making a commitment to be a family between selves and immediate community. People decide to couple and become a family without notifying the government.
It just seems that allowing the Supreme Court to dictate a sacrament further erodes the Constitution. Of course, that set of rules has been so corrupted...
One last thought before I start cleaning house, in preparation for the arrival of a two year old tornado who will dismantle it...it seems there are two main ways of dealing with secrets - like the secrets in our family. We can pull on fundamental religion. We can insist that everyone obey a set of rigid rules. Marriage is only one man and one woman. God says so. If you deviate a fraction of an inch - you will burn forever. This is fear...and hiding in concrete rules, and pretending that everyone else is also entombed in the same rules...ah, we are safe And the stuff that happens outside of this safe place - it didn't really happen. And if it did - they'll burn in Hell - all of them. Unless it's our family, then it was a minor slip, but he's sorry and God forgave him. So, you know, it really didn't happen...shut up and smile kids. We have to look normal.
Or...we pull it out...like a load of dirty laundry and we wash it as well as we can. And we hang it out for people to notice - if they are interested. And we shine the Light on it, just like we put stained clothes in the sunshine, knowing sunlight removes stains...
Have a wonderful First Day!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, June 27, 2015
forward motion
Clare,
What an awe-filled rant…
you had some clarity on the issue of violence…
you are what you eat…
powerful insights.
I was approached by a previous co-worker yesterday…
he was asked to suggest social workers who would be able to read professional complaints made to the licensing board and render an opinion…
at first I thought, no, that's going to the dark side…
but with further reflection I considered the fact that I am able to see circumstances from multiple viewpoints and spend time reflecting…
I might offer a uniquely humane voice for both sides.
I agreed that he could submit my name…
we shall see what comes of it.
During the course of our conversation he mentioned that their board president is a PsyD with a focus on inter-personal violence. I mentioned that is a particular interest of mine and asked if he could broker a meeting. I have no idea why, but I feel like I should meet and talk with her. He also asked if I would submit my CE presentation on adversity's bodily effects at their conference in October. It was a good phone call.
My youngest is on the "mood roller coaster" again.
He is happy until an obstacle arises and then he over-reacts to it.
We have seen the reiki healer and therapist this week…
and still he is sullen.
I am taking him zip-lining on wednesday that should help to balance him.
I ordered two book on violence and its effects on the body- one on mental health and the other is called The Body Remembers…I'm moving forward.
I've got to run to a yoga class.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
What an awe-filled rant…
you had some clarity on the issue of violence…
you are what you eat…
powerful insights.
I was approached by a previous co-worker yesterday…
he was asked to suggest social workers who would be able to read professional complaints made to the licensing board and render an opinion…
at first I thought, no, that's going to the dark side…
but with further reflection I considered the fact that I am able to see circumstances from multiple viewpoints and spend time reflecting…
I might offer a uniquely humane voice for both sides.
I agreed that he could submit my name…
we shall see what comes of it.
During the course of our conversation he mentioned that their board president is a PsyD with a focus on inter-personal violence. I mentioned that is a particular interest of mine and asked if he could broker a meeting. I have no idea why, but I feel like I should meet and talk with her. He also asked if I would submit my CE presentation on adversity's bodily effects at their conference in October. It was a good phone call.
My youngest is on the "mood roller coaster" again.
He is happy until an obstacle arises and then he over-reacts to it.
We have seen the reiki healer and therapist this week…
and still he is sullen.
I am taking him zip-lining on wednesday that should help to balance him.
I ordered two book on violence and its effects on the body- one on mental health and the other is called The Body Remembers…I'm moving forward.
I've got to run to a yoga class.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Mid-night ragings
Good morning Maggie,
I'm working today, but no alarm this morning. That always makes my day so much nicer. And the dog waited until almost 6:30 before asking to go outside.
Up a lot last night thinking about violence. In the dark of night, thoughts flow freely. It's so hard to lasso them and put words on them once I leave the bed.
I was having strange thoughts, like, "You are what you eat." I thought about industrial farming...photos and images I have seen of pigs in cages where they can not move - ever. They can not move ever. They can only be pregnant, deliver and nurse their offspring...from one position. I hate these photos. They hurt my heart. I have seen photos of chicken smashed into cages, piled on top of each other, dropping feces on those below. They also can not move. I watched a video of a silent woman holding cards, sharing the message one at a time...it's a popular, and sometimes effective technique on social media. She was telling a story of having her baby taken away at birth...then they showed a man hauling a newborn calf away from it's confined mother by its back leg.
Someone responded rudely and asked what the f*** was wrong with her. Why was she using silence. She said it was because the cow can not speak. She wanted to share that. The person responded angrily. And I understood how much that person's heart hurt seeing an infant treated like trash. We know it will go to the torture of the veal pen...a short, pain-filled life so someone could eat tender meat. It's tender because the animals was sickly...We are what we eat.
What has hapened to so harden our hearts?
How did all life become objectified...not just human women, but all life...plants, animals, us...
We are what we eat. We feed on this pain, these animals who live short, tortured lives to provide cheap meat for us. Then we absorb this - this essence of slavery.
And on another note - I read that if our generous government stopped giving subsidies to big ag, we would not be getting cheap meat. It would actually cost four times more than organic foods. So we are paying, with our taxes - we are supporting this pain that then feeds us.
What I saw with the pigs, with the cows - it is no different than human women being forced to carry and raise their rapist's child. There is no difference whatsoever. By forcing this, we are being carefully marched, baby step by baby step, to the same lives as our sisters in other skin.
And the plants are not free. The poisons that are dumped on them - the herbicides that kill most, but spare what humans see as valuable...sort of like incarcerating mostly poor and people of color. Genetic engineering goes a whole 'nother step...
And monoculture...it's happening. We are a crop. Monocultures are bring created - humans, cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, dogs...and the others - the bear, the wolf, the butterflies and song birds are being poisoned and systematically removed. They are not of economic importance. In our short-sighted way though, destroying "pest" insects also destroys the pollinators. Maybe why most of the GMO crops are wind-pollinated. It doesn't matter so much that we wiped out our bees.
And does taking antibiotic, which wipes out our internal flora, create a monoculture inside of us? How does that change us???
I was actually wondering if there were any true, free humans left. I think there are remnants of indigenous folk, but for the them the slow motion, almost invisible genocide continues.
How do we return to wild? Eating wild foods, maybe. Disentagling us from this industrialized slavery.
Because we are also slaves. If one does not work, one does not deserve a safe place to sleep. If we do work, we have to do as told, as much as told, in order to maintain the job. We don't own property. If something is yours, it can not be taken away from you. If you do not pay taxes, the government seizes your property. It is not truly yours. We are stewards for the true owners - the government. The same with your car. If it can be seized, it is not yours...
We are at the mercy of those in power, who grant mercy - safety, food, water - and now some see the internet as a human right - as long as we keep feeding them the ultimate invention - money!! I am troubled by this view of internet as a human right. We pay to use the internet. We are slowly sliding to the belief that we have to pay for human rights - insanity. Same with water...I think that everytime we buy bottled water, we are agreeing that water can be bought and sold - therefore it can be privatized, and Nestle can own it and sell it away from us - sell it to the highest bidder.
And just before I "woke up" I started wondering why the-powers-that-be are so intent on draining every last drop of petroleum out of the planet...what is that about?
So I am in rare form for work today!
Hope you enjoy this cold, raining weekend. I think I will make cherry jam.
Love and hugs from Clare
I'm working today, but no alarm this morning. That always makes my day so much nicer. And the dog waited until almost 6:30 before asking to go outside.
Up a lot last night thinking about violence. In the dark of night, thoughts flow freely. It's so hard to lasso them and put words on them once I leave the bed.
I was having strange thoughts, like, "You are what you eat." I thought about industrial farming...photos and images I have seen of pigs in cages where they can not move - ever. They can not move ever. They can only be pregnant, deliver and nurse their offspring...from one position. I hate these photos. They hurt my heart. I have seen photos of chicken smashed into cages, piled on top of each other, dropping feces on those below. They also can not move. I watched a video of a silent woman holding cards, sharing the message one at a time...it's a popular, and sometimes effective technique on social media. She was telling a story of having her baby taken away at birth...then they showed a man hauling a newborn calf away from it's confined mother by its back leg.
Someone responded rudely and asked what the f*** was wrong with her. Why was she using silence. She said it was because the cow can not speak. She wanted to share that. The person responded angrily. And I understood how much that person's heart hurt seeing an infant treated like trash. We know it will go to the torture of the veal pen...a short, pain-filled life so someone could eat tender meat. It's tender because the animals was sickly...We are what we eat.
What has hapened to so harden our hearts?
How did all life become objectified...not just human women, but all life...plants, animals, us...
We are what we eat. We feed on this pain, these animals who live short, tortured lives to provide cheap meat for us. Then we absorb this - this essence of slavery.
And on another note - I read that if our generous government stopped giving subsidies to big ag, we would not be getting cheap meat. It would actually cost four times more than organic foods. So we are paying, with our taxes - we are supporting this pain that then feeds us.
What I saw with the pigs, with the cows - it is no different than human women being forced to carry and raise their rapist's child. There is no difference whatsoever. By forcing this, we are being carefully marched, baby step by baby step, to the same lives as our sisters in other skin.
And the plants are not free. The poisons that are dumped on them - the herbicides that kill most, but spare what humans see as valuable...sort of like incarcerating mostly poor and people of color. Genetic engineering goes a whole 'nother step...
And monoculture...it's happening. We are a crop. Monocultures are bring created - humans, cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, dogs...and the others - the bear, the wolf, the butterflies and song birds are being poisoned and systematically removed. They are not of economic importance. In our short-sighted way though, destroying "pest" insects also destroys the pollinators. Maybe why most of the GMO crops are wind-pollinated. It doesn't matter so much that we wiped out our bees.
And does taking antibiotic, which wipes out our internal flora, create a monoculture inside of us? How does that change us???
I was actually wondering if there were any true, free humans left. I think there are remnants of indigenous folk, but for the them the slow motion, almost invisible genocide continues.
How do we return to wild? Eating wild foods, maybe. Disentagling us from this industrialized slavery.
Because we are also slaves. If one does not work, one does not deserve a safe place to sleep. If we do work, we have to do as told, as much as told, in order to maintain the job. We don't own property. If something is yours, it can not be taken away from you. If you do not pay taxes, the government seizes your property. It is not truly yours. We are stewards for the true owners - the government. The same with your car. If it can be seized, it is not yours...
We are at the mercy of those in power, who grant mercy - safety, food, water - and now some see the internet as a human right - as long as we keep feeding them the ultimate invention - money!! I am troubled by this view of internet as a human right. We pay to use the internet. We are slowly sliding to the belief that we have to pay for human rights - insanity. Same with water...I think that everytime we buy bottled water, we are agreeing that water can be bought and sold - therefore it can be privatized, and Nestle can own it and sell it away from us - sell it to the highest bidder.
And just before I "woke up" I started wondering why the-powers-that-be are so intent on draining every last drop of petroleum out of the planet...what is that about?
So I am in rare form for work today!
Hope you enjoy this cold, raining weekend. I think I will make cherry jam.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, June 25, 2015
go!
i think you should announce that you are going to arizona. then sing it loud enough for me to hear at my house. although you do deserve it, it doesn't matter. go because you want to. go because it will be healing.
maybe time alone with your body in arizona is the key to healing - at least a little bit more.
it's interesting that you are feeling led to do a book/course/textbook about violence. i definitely got the message that i have to write about violation. so i started a document that i hope will grow into a pendle hill pamphlet.
we'll see.
you mentioned violence and the biology of adversity. i have been thinking about something, so i'll throw it out here. i was noting the news about the recent shooting in south carolina. i was considering the ways racism is instilled into us. the generations of violence - does that change physiology? is this systematic/systemic caste system violence the cause of mental illness? is racism a mental illness.
i know it is not spontaneous like schizophrenia. but is it anything like depression resulting from growing up in an abusive situation?
the ramifications are interesting. what is all outspokenly racist individuals had to be treated? would the stigma reduce incidence?
my arms are getting tired. so is the rest of me,,,
love and hugs from clare
maybe time alone with your body in arizona is the key to healing - at least a little bit more.
it's interesting that you are feeling led to do a book/course/textbook about violence. i definitely got the message that i have to write about violation. so i started a document that i hope will grow into a pendle hill pamphlet.
we'll see.
you mentioned violence and the biology of adversity. i have been thinking about something, so i'll throw it out here. i was noting the news about the recent shooting in south carolina. i was considering the ways racism is instilled into us. the generations of violence - does that change physiology? is this systematic/systemic caste system violence the cause of mental illness? is racism a mental illness.
i know it is not spontaneous like schizophrenia. but is it anything like depression resulting from growing up in an abusive situation?
the ramifications are interesting. what is all outspokenly racist individuals had to be treated? would the stigma reduce incidence?
my arms are getting tired. so is the rest of me,,,
love and hugs from clare
violence project
Clare,
YES…do unto self as you do for others!
That's TRUTH.
I think we attract similar relationships until we can do the work necessary and learn the lessons…
then we move on to other lessons.
When I was separated, I dated a man who was physically very different than husband…
but when we got closer I realized he had the same issues as husband…
He could say no to me in a passive aggressive sort of way…
"she'll understand"…
but his ex and their kids never heard the word "no"…
with husband it was work and baseball that he couldn't say no to.
I realized that I had to demand a yes…
make myself a priority…
and then they got it…
eureka!
I think it's because I was such a "Stepford wife"…
I had the plastic face and canned "yes dear" ready at any time.
I still struggle with asking for what I really want.
It's stupid, but I want to go to Arizona for a week…
just to relax and rejuvenate…
I am afraid/reluctant to say it out loud.
I guess I'm afraid to find out that I don't deserve a trip away…
that sounds incredibly ridiculous as I write it…
but it's honest so I won't delete it.
I'm not worthy…
that phrase haunts the subconscious of way too many people.
So, I don't have a full time job as of next week. I want to start working on a violence project.
researching it
creating a curriculum on the biology of adversity- I can teach it in the Spring I think...
creating a text book-maybe...
creating a book once I've absorbed myself in this topic-maybe...
What do you think?
I've got to follow my passion…
I cannot just sit and wait for it to find me.
So, that's my plan…
try to accumulate and process all of that information…
put it together in a coherent and moving way…
and then speak my truths.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
YES…do unto self as you do for others!
That's TRUTH.
I think we attract similar relationships until we can do the work necessary and learn the lessons…
then we move on to other lessons.
When I was separated, I dated a man who was physically very different than husband…
but when we got closer I realized he had the same issues as husband…
He could say no to me in a passive aggressive sort of way…
"she'll understand"…
but his ex and their kids never heard the word "no"…
with husband it was work and baseball that he couldn't say no to.
I realized that I had to demand a yes…
make myself a priority…
and then they got it…
eureka!
I think it's because I was such a "Stepford wife"…
I had the plastic face and canned "yes dear" ready at any time.
I still struggle with asking for what I really want.
It's stupid, but I want to go to Arizona for a week…
just to relax and rejuvenate…
I am afraid/reluctant to say it out loud.
I guess I'm afraid to find out that I don't deserve a trip away…
that sounds incredibly ridiculous as I write it…
but it's honest so I won't delete it.
I'm not worthy…
that phrase haunts the subconscious of way too many people.
So, I don't have a full time job as of next week. I want to start working on a violence project.
researching it
creating a curriculum on the biology of adversity- I can teach it in the Spring I think...
creating a text book-maybe...
creating a book once I've absorbed myself in this topic-maybe...
What do you think?
I've got to follow my passion…
I cannot just sit and wait for it to find me.
So, that's my plan…
try to accumulate and process all of that information…
put it together in a coherent and moving way…
and then speak my truths.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
golden rule
I was sort of trying to figure out the ways people respond before therapy - those coping mechanisms that help us survive but not thrive. I think we try to control or we let the currents control where we float. Therapy, of course, changes everything.
I had another walking thought I wanted to try to make sense of. When I was in the thick of marriage, my closest friend from college and I used to talk a lot. Neither of us had a healthy marriage. We used to talk at great length, discussing their childhood traumas, speculating on how that pain motivated their pain-causing behaviors...just trying to understand. Then I saw a quote that basically said we could talk forever and have the best analyzed neurotic on the block, but it would not change anything.
For some reason, as I was walking, that came to me. It came again today as I was talking to someone about martyrdom. I sort of realized I analyze others, but immediately condemn self. I got the message that we need to reverse the Golden Rule...at least for people like me. Rather than - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, perhaps I need to remember to - Do unto myself as I do unto others. Treat myself kindly and with patience and acceptance.
Form your days' descriptions, it sounded like you were making and traveling a big old medicine wheel.
Picked cherries with the baby this evening. We got home and she asked for some. I gave her half a dozen in a little dish. They are now somewhere in my office...
Love and hugs from Clare
I had another walking thought I wanted to try to make sense of. When I was in the thick of marriage, my closest friend from college and I used to talk a lot. Neither of us had a healthy marriage. We used to talk at great length, discussing their childhood traumas, speculating on how that pain motivated their pain-causing behaviors...just trying to understand. Then I saw a quote that basically said we could talk forever and have the best analyzed neurotic on the block, but it would not change anything.
For some reason, as I was walking, that came to me. It came again today as I was talking to someone about martyrdom. I sort of realized I analyze others, but immediately condemn self. I got the message that we need to reverse the Golden Rule...at least for people like me. Rather than - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, perhaps I need to remember to - Do unto myself as I do unto others. Treat myself kindly and with patience and acceptance.
Form your days' descriptions, it sounded like you were making and traveling a big old medicine wheel.
Picked cherries with the baby this evening. We got home and she asked for some. I gave her half a dozen in a little dish. They are now somewhere in my office...
Love and hugs from Clare
shining light into the dark corners
Claire,
I'm so glad that you played today…
sounds like a lot of fun.
I have spent most of my day in the car for the past 2 days…
yesterday I went 30 minutes south to the car repair shop…
then home...
then 30 minutes north to the dentist…
then 20 minutes east to the natural food store…
then 90 minutes south to the reiki healer…
then 90 minutes north to son#2's school for football conditioning.
Today I went an hour north to the veterinary surgeon…
back home…
then an hour west to work…
then 30 minutes north to son's practice…
tomorrow back to work.
I am going to be finished with that job next Tuesday…
it will be good to not travel so much.
My younger son wants to go back to Arizona to hike and camp. My oldest also wants to go along. Husband isn't convinced he can get away. I may go in August just to decompress and relax. I may go even if no one else wants to go along. It might be good for me.
So, I think you've identified patterns of behavior…
run or walk away…
or numb with some substance or activity…
Are there other reactions?
I think that some people do fight/process the negative emotions…
try to conquer them…
respond thoughtfully rather than just react.
I think that's the purpose of therapy…
I hope there's something to be gained from it.
To fight or process against the negativity you have to become aware of it…
and then you must shine the Light onto it…
find out what's hiding behind the negative energy…
grief, anger, etc are symptoms…
substance abuse and addictive behaviors are symptoms...
identify the cause…
shine the Light on the root cause and only then can it be dealt with.
So, my reiki healer told me that my body parts are complaining…
my feet are overworked…
my boob lumps want to be admired…
my genitals want something to happen…
It's hard to get back in touch with this body after all that's happened.
Even with all of the complaints she said I am holding together my energy grids pretty well…
no more divide at the belt meridian.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
I'm so glad that you played today…
sounds like a lot of fun.
I have spent most of my day in the car for the past 2 days…
yesterday I went 30 minutes south to the car repair shop…
then home...
then 30 minutes north to the dentist…
then 20 minutes east to the natural food store…
then 90 minutes south to the reiki healer…
then 90 minutes north to son#2's school for football conditioning.
Today I went an hour north to the veterinary surgeon…
back home…
then an hour west to work…
then 30 minutes north to son's practice…
tomorrow back to work.
I am going to be finished with that job next Tuesday…
it will be good to not travel so much.
My younger son wants to go back to Arizona to hike and camp. My oldest also wants to go along. Husband isn't convinced he can get away. I may go in August just to decompress and relax. I may go even if no one else wants to go along. It might be good for me.
So, I think you've identified patterns of behavior…
run or walk away…
or numb with some substance or activity…
Are there other reactions?
I think that some people do fight/process the negative emotions…
try to conquer them…
respond thoughtfully rather than just react.
I think that's the purpose of therapy…
I hope there's something to be gained from it.
To fight or process against the negativity you have to become aware of it…
and then you must shine the Light onto it…
find out what's hiding behind the negative energy…
grief, anger, etc are symptoms…
substance abuse and addictive behaviors are symptoms...
identify the cause…
shine the Light on the root cause and only then can it be dealt with.
So, my reiki healer told me that my body parts are complaining…
my feet are overworked…
my boob lumps want to be admired…
my genitals want something to happen…
It's hard to get back in touch with this body after all that's happened.
Even with all of the complaints she said I am holding together my energy grids pretty well…
no more divide at the belt meridian.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Monday, June 22, 2015
slide
I have been trying to eat "live" foods - fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts. I had a splitting headache yesterday. Today I am a bit better.
I have been thinking about grief - still - but I have also been thinking about anger and fear. They seem to be the big trinity. Grief is inward, lost, painful. Anger is outward and fiery - more pain. And fear...it is controlling...it seems to push in and rip out. Fear is also painful. I've actually been wondering if the three forms of pain lead to different kinds of addictions.
It just seemed like grief is paired with using food to numb. But maybe that's just in me.
I just thought, too, that maybe there are six facets. As I stated before, I think that trauma either leads us to control everything in life, so we have a perfectionist like my late mother-in-law. Or trauma teaches us that we have no control and so we drift rather aimlessly, going wherever others take us.
So maybe there's a grieving controller, a grieving nomad, and angry controller and an angry nomad, and finally a fearful controller and a fearful nomad. I think I am the grieving nomad. And I know I use food to numb. I have a feeling anger and alcohol go together. And maybe fear and marijuana...But I don't know.
Maybe I'm just losing myself in words so I don't have to stop grieving.
This morning was beautiful. It was so beautiful I couldn't bear to be indoors. I ate my breakfast - all fruit - in the backyard, in the company of the trees and orioles and catbirds. It was so nice. I didn't want to come back in.
It was my youngest's day off. She came over and we went down to the playground at the lake. I went down the toddler slide. I was a little afraid my hips would get stuck, but I made it!! I went wading. I admired the lake and sent her lots and lots of love.
How was your day?
Thinking of you with love...
and hugs from Clare
I have been thinking about grief - still - but I have also been thinking about anger and fear. They seem to be the big trinity. Grief is inward, lost, painful. Anger is outward and fiery - more pain. And fear...it is controlling...it seems to push in and rip out. Fear is also painful. I've actually been wondering if the three forms of pain lead to different kinds of addictions.
It just seemed like grief is paired with using food to numb. But maybe that's just in me.
I just thought, too, that maybe there are six facets. As I stated before, I think that trauma either leads us to control everything in life, so we have a perfectionist like my late mother-in-law. Or trauma teaches us that we have no control and so we drift rather aimlessly, going wherever others take us.
So maybe there's a grieving controller, a grieving nomad, and angry controller and an angry nomad, and finally a fearful controller and a fearful nomad. I think I am the grieving nomad. And I know I use food to numb. I have a feeling anger and alcohol go together. And maybe fear and marijuana...But I don't know.
Maybe I'm just losing myself in words so I don't have to stop grieving.
This morning was beautiful. It was so beautiful I couldn't bear to be indoors. I ate my breakfast - all fruit - in the backyard, in the company of the trees and orioles and catbirds. It was so nice. I didn't want to come back in.
It was my youngest's day off. She came over and we went down to the playground at the lake. I went down the toddler slide. I was a little afraid my hips would get stuck, but I made it!! I went wading. I admired the lake and sent her lots and lots of love.
How was your day?
Thinking of you with love...
and hugs from Clare
Saturday, June 20, 2015
walking
I found a 24 hour Qi cycle chart. There are different organ systems for each two hours around the clock. We are asked to think about the times of day we find most difficult, or notice if we regularly wake up at a certain time each night. I usually wake up at 3:00 - 4:00 am. That is lung meridian time. The emotions connected to this time are grief and sadness.
I laughed.
The universe is reassuring me that I am supposed to be working with grief.
I was thinking about grief, about numbing grief with foods, especially. I got the definite impression that the best way to numb grief is to eat dead food.
I got the image of dead food - the white bread and canned veggies we grew up on - packing the grief down and squishing it out further and further, insulating in until all that was left was a tube through my center so that some things could circulate.
I need to be eating fruits and vegetables and unprocessed grains. I need to avoid meats...and I think dairy. And as grief is released - bless it and feel it and let it go.
I have walked every day for the last four days. I mowed the lawn todat until it started raining. So my body is moving. And when I am moving, that is when I encounter grief.
So I'll keep moving...
How are you, little sister??
Love and hugs from Clare
I laughed.
The universe is reassuring me that I am supposed to be working with grief.
I was thinking about grief, about numbing grief with foods, especially. I got the definite impression that the best way to numb grief is to eat dead food.
I got the image of dead food - the white bread and canned veggies we grew up on - packing the grief down and squishing it out further and further, insulating in until all that was left was a tube through my center so that some things could circulate.
I need to be eating fruits and vegetables and unprocessed grains. I need to avoid meats...and I think dairy. And as grief is released - bless it and feel it and let it go.
I have walked every day for the last four days. I mowed the lawn todat until it started raining. So my body is moving. And when I am moving, that is when I encounter grief.
So I'll keep moving...
How are you, little sister??
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, June 19, 2015
enough?
Hi Maggie,
I saw a social media meme that was for you...It said, "I know that when one door closes, another opens, but damn I hate these hallways!"
There was another part of my last experience with Grief that I forgot to note. As we were walking, he sort of zombied, got teeth and tried to bite my face. I didn't react. He asked why I wasn't afraid. I thought of the deep depressions I have survived, and said it couldn't be worse than those. But it gave a whole new meaning to being devoured by grief.
I finished work early, and wanted to pop in quick before my little companion arrives.
I have had a weird experience - 3 times - recently. I think I hear the phone (twice) or the alarm clock (once) and I jerk awake and listen. Nothing is happening. But I can't go back to sleep. I feel a bit on edge - like something bad is going to happen.
A friend accidentally left Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection here. I have been reading it, and I really like it. It speaks to me more deeply, more clearly than Daring Greatly. I have been thinking about it a lot. Right now I am reading quickly, because I know it may leave me at any time. After she is done, my friend promised to lend it to me. Then I will make notes.
But...I mentioned that I wanted to do a 5K this weekend, and I am disappointed that I am not ready. My youngest son called this morning to see if I was coming and to encourage me to do so, even if I walk the route. I don't want to go. I want to run my first race, not walk it. Is this me, and is this valid? Or am I just finding ways to continue waiting until I am good enough. It was something I was reading last night - this penchant we have for waiting until things are okay before we emerge and participate in life.
She wrote that we are enough/I am enough even if I weigh too much and my body is not perfect...Do I believe her? Not deep in my soul. Logically and verbally - sure. But truly? Not so much.
How do we dig the swamp out of our souls???
Love and hugs...
Clare
I suddenly wondered if the pathological greed of the very wealthy is the same - afraid they do not have/are not enough...
I saw a social media meme that was for you...It said, "I know that when one door closes, another opens, but damn I hate these hallways!"
There was another part of my last experience with Grief that I forgot to note. As we were walking, he sort of zombied, got teeth and tried to bite my face. I didn't react. He asked why I wasn't afraid. I thought of the deep depressions I have survived, and said it couldn't be worse than those. But it gave a whole new meaning to being devoured by grief.
I finished work early, and wanted to pop in quick before my little companion arrives.
I have had a weird experience - 3 times - recently. I think I hear the phone (twice) or the alarm clock (once) and I jerk awake and listen. Nothing is happening. But I can't go back to sleep. I feel a bit on edge - like something bad is going to happen.
A friend accidentally left Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection here. I have been reading it, and I really like it. It speaks to me more deeply, more clearly than Daring Greatly. I have been thinking about it a lot. Right now I am reading quickly, because I know it may leave me at any time. After she is done, my friend promised to lend it to me. Then I will make notes.
But...I mentioned that I wanted to do a 5K this weekend, and I am disappointed that I am not ready. My youngest son called this morning to see if I was coming and to encourage me to do so, even if I walk the route. I don't want to go. I want to run my first race, not walk it. Is this me, and is this valid? Or am I just finding ways to continue waiting until I am good enough. It was something I was reading last night - this penchant we have for waiting until things are okay before we emerge and participate in life.
She wrote that we are enough/I am enough even if I weigh too much and my body is not perfect...Do I believe her? Not deep in my soul. Logically and verbally - sure. But truly? Not so much.
How do we dig the swamp out of our souls???
Love and hugs...
Clare
I suddenly wondered if the pathological greed of the very wealthy is the same - afraid they do not have/are not enough...
Thursday, June 18, 2015
possibility and uncertainty coexist
Clare,
Perhaps the road blocks keep popping up to direct me elsewhere…
I know I'm not "there" yet…
But where is there?
I love possibility…
but dislike uncertainty…
but one cannot exist without the other.
So, when Mr Grief steps out is it possible for you to talk with him…
or even to release him?
I wonder…
if he starts talking with you about grief and past experiences,
will he grow lighter and leaner?
As you release that grief can you visualize him slimming and potentially floating away?
It might take time…
but it would be fascinating to experience.
I have several ideas about the future…
I have possibilities…
I have applied for several jobs…
I give myself one month to wait for these and if nothing I will have to create an opportunity for myself.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Perhaps the road blocks keep popping up to direct me elsewhere…
I know I'm not "there" yet…
But where is there?
I love possibility…
but dislike uncertainty…
but one cannot exist without the other.
So, when Mr Grief steps out is it possible for you to talk with him…
or even to release him?
I wonder…
if he starts talking with you about grief and past experiences,
will he grow lighter and leaner?
As you release that grief can you visualize him slimming and potentially floating away?
It might take time…
but it would be fascinating to experience.
I have several ideas about the future…
I have possibilities…
I have applied for several jobs…
I give myself one month to wait for these and if nothing I will have to create an opportunity for myself.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
raspberries
How dare they? How dare they pass you over and hope you'll just be a good girl and ignore it? I am sending psychic raspberries to them. I hope they spill food on themselves in public. I hope they tuck their skirts into their panties and no one tells them. I hope that in about two days, they realize what stupid-heads they are.
But maybe the universe is telling you it's time for you to start something. Write a book. Collect misfits and help them find their way to healing...something. You have the gifts. You have the wisdom.
It has happened to me too. I wonder if our damaged psyches send out the vibe. So, how do we heal that particular piece?
I had another encounter with Mr. Grief today. I went for another walk with the baby. Today I took the stroller, so it was easier for me to walk. The plan is to build up to walking a 5K, then start to go faster each day. The race I told myself I'd run is this weekend. I can't do it. I am disappointed with myself.
Anyway, while I was walking, Mr. Grief stepped out and was walking along beside me. I felt pain, a bowl of pain, resting neatly in my pelvis. It was deep. lasting pain - nothing sharp.
I asked what is was, and he said that this is the way it works.
Rape, abuse - psychological and sexual, they destroy the red and orange chakras. The red is destroyed because we learn that the world is not safe. Actually, the world is safe, but our species is not safe. The orange is destroyed, because no one will listen and so we know we have no community.
If the abuse is at the hands of a loved one, then our heart chakra, the green, is also destroyed. That leaves only the yellow chakra, our will, functioning. And we either become control freaks or we give up all hope and allow ourselves to be swept along by whatever can catch us.
I have an especially stinky child trying to climb me. The shower is calling...
Love and hugs from Clare
But maybe the universe is telling you it's time for you to start something. Write a book. Collect misfits and help them find their way to healing...something. You have the gifts. You have the wisdom.
It has happened to me too. I wonder if our damaged psyches send out the vibe. So, how do we heal that particular piece?
I had another encounter with Mr. Grief today. I went for another walk with the baby. Today I took the stroller, so it was easier for me to walk. The plan is to build up to walking a 5K, then start to go faster each day. The race I told myself I'd run is this weekend. I can't do it. I am disappointed with myself.
Anyway, while I was walking, Mr. Grief stepped out and was walking along beside me. I felt pain, a bowl of pain, resting neatly in my pelvis. It was deep. lasting pain - nothing sharp.
I asked what is was, and he said that this is the way it works.
Rape, abuse - psychological and sexual, they destroy the red and orange chakras. The red is destroyed because we learn that the world is not safe. Actually, the world is safe, but our species is not safe. The orange is destroyed, because no one will listen and so we know we have no community.
If the abuse is at the hands of a loved one, then our heart chakra, the green, is also destroyed. That leaves only the yellow chakra, our will, functioning. And we either become control freaks or we give up all hope and allow ourselves to be swept along by whatever can catch us.
I have an especially stinky child trying to climb me. The shower is calling...
Love and hugs from Clare
fulfilling potential and purpose
Clare,
I quit my job today…
the outreach job with the social work association.
At a meeting yesterday the interim director announced, "everyone will be getting their raises, Oh except you, Jeanne, of course."
I had to let that sink in…
why haven't I earned a raise?
So, I went into the office today and asked why I was passed over for a raise?...
"you haven't even been here a year."
But I have worked for them for 18 months…
Then there was this awkward explanation about how the previous directors just created positions that seemed like a good idea, but really weren't sustainable- or necessary.
So, I am unnecessary and undervalued?
By the end of the day they offered me a 2% increase…
that comes to a 40 cents per hour increase…
with no promise what will happen once the new director starts.
I politely refused the offer.
My first medical job…
the office staff was at a Christmas celebration…
I went to the ladies room and when I got back people were acting weirdly distant…
the boss gave them all their bonus checks while I was gone because he wasn't giving me a bonus…
How do I work so hard for such little recognition?
There is a lesson in this for me…
not sure when it will surface…
but I'll let you know when it makes sense.
Do I belong in the professional workforce?
Sometimes I wonder what I'm supposed to be doing…
and then I think, I'm doing good every day- even if it's unpaid.
Is that enough?
Does that fulfill my purpose in this life?
I'm not worried about the money…
I want to work towards reaching my fullest potential and purpose.
Sometimes though, my ego wants to be recognized for something I've accomplished.
So, I've spent the afternoon searching for jobs and applying online.
Off to feel sorry for myself…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
PS- I love your visuals…I wish I could see my emotions and memories as you do. Have you heard of the new Disney movie? It's an animated film about the inner world of a little girl. Each emotion is portrayed by a different celebrity voice.
I quit my job today…
the outreach job with the social work association.
At a meeting yesterday the interim director announced, "everyone will be getting their raises, Oh except you, Jeanne, of course."
I had to let that sink in…
why haven't I earned a raise?
So, I went into the office today and asked why I was passed over for a raise?...
"you haven't even been here a year."
But I have worked for them for 18 months…
Then there was this awkward explanation about how the previous directors just created positions that seemed like a good idea, but really weren't sustainable- or necessary.
So, I am unnecessary and undervalued?
By the end of the day they offered me a 2% increase…
that comes to a 40 cents per hour increase…
with no promise what will happen once the new director starts.
I politely refused the offer.
My first medical job…
the office staff was at a Christmas celebration…
I went to the ladies room and when I got back people were acting weirdly distant…
the boss gave them all their bonus checks while I was gone because he wasn't giving me a bonus…
How do I work so hard for such little recognition?
There is a lesson in this for me…
not sure when it will surface…
but I'll let you know when it makes sense.
Do I belong in the professional workforce?
Sometimes I wonder what I'm supposed to be doing…
and then I think, I'm doing good every day- even if it's unpaid.
Is that enough?
Does that fulfill my purpose in this life?
I'm not worried about the money…
I want to work towards reaching my fullest potential and purpose.
Sometimes though, my ego wants to be recognized for something I've accomplished.
So, I've spent the afternoon searching for jobs and applying online.
Off to feel sorry for myself…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
PS- I love your visuals…I wish I could see my emotions and memories as you do. Have you heard of the new Disney movie? It's an animated film about the inner world of a little girl. Each emotion is portrayed by a different celebrity voice.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Mr. Grief
Hi Love,
.
I like that you are full of ideas, feeling inspired again. I know people who are doulas, and I was a peer nursing counselor for years. I wanted to be a midwife for a longtime, butI never figured out how to make that happen with homeschooled kids and a husband who was only home on weekends. Maybe next life time!
I met another aspect of self last night. I was thinking about your post, and about Mercury being retrograde. And I was thinking that was probably part of it, but another part was my recent devotion and commitment to grief.
I was poking at my grief in the middle of the night,and somehow I realized I was poking another. I was poking a big, round fat man with a bald head - just a ring of dark hair at about ear level, horn-rim glasses and wearing a black and white checkered shirt. He holds my grief. He fits me perfectly, so all of my grief fits into my being. But he's less dense,sort of like formed fog.
He talked about my grief throughout this lifetime. How I hold it and identify with it.I let it become me.
In the middle of the night, I remembered Mom's stories of my invisible friend, and I wondered if this was him...
This afternoon, I went for a walk with the baby in a backpack. I haven't been walking much, and I was feeling like I was plodding along. Then I realized I was toting an extra 25 pounds. But I started to think about this grieving persona, and he was walking beside me...he had left my body. As I walked I felt incredibly sad. Perhaps he has been holding my grief because I couldn't bear to feel it. But until I feel it, it can't be released.
I am left wondering if I am a bit schizophrenic with all these selves. ButI think I am more of a poet, putting names and faces and personalities on facets of self.
Babby is now bored with entertaining herself (by dismantling her shelves of books and toys...sigh) and so I guess I am done...
Love and hugs from Clare
Time for mercy!!
.
I like that you are full of ideas, feeling inspired again. I know people who are doulas, and I was a peer nursing counselor for years. I wanted to be a midwife for a longtime, butI never figured out how to make that happen with homeschooled kids and a husband who was only home on weekends. Maybe next life time!
I met another aspect of self last night. I was thinking about your post, and about Mercury being retrograde. And I was thinking that was probably part of it, but another part was my recent devotion and commitment to grief.
I was poking at my grief in the middle of the night,and somehow I realized I was poking another. I was poking a big, round fat man with a bald head - just a ring of dark hair at about ear level, horn-rim glasses and wearing a black and white checkered shirt. He holds my grief. He fits me perfectly, so all of my grief fits into my being. But he's less dense,sort of like formed fog.
He talked about my grief throughout this lifetime. How I hold it and identify with it.I let it become me.
In the middle of the night, I remembered Mom's stories of my invisible friend, and I wondered if this was him...
This afternoon, I went for a walk with the baby in a backpack. I haven't been walking much, and I was feeling like I was plodding along. Then I realized I was toting an extra 25 pounds. But I started to think about this grieving persona, and he was walking beside me...he had left my body. As I walked I felt incredibly sad. Perhaps he has been holding my grief because I couldn't bear to feel it. But until I feel it, it can't be released.
I am left wondering if I am a bit schizophrenic with all these selves. ButI think I am more of a poet, putting names and faces and personalities on facets of self.
Babby is now bored with entertaining herself (by dismantling her shelves of books and toys...sigh) and so I guess I am done...
Love and hugs from Clare
Time for mercy!!
Monday, June 15, 2015
radar
Clare,
I think part of your sense of stagnation and inactivity is Mercury in retrograde…
it always makes me feel unempowered.
I had a session with my reiki healer last week…
she assigned a spirit guide to me specifically for motivation…
I want to regain health…
eating well, drinking water, exercise, sleep, meditation, yoga…
It may all be subliminal suggestion, but I've been strong in the face of temptation, fatigue, and hunger…
It's strange to say but Jennifer, my spirit guide, is working overtime for me.
Perhaps asking for a spirit guide to motivate you towards health is worth a try.
I'm applying for jobs again. I've applied at 2 branch campuses of the state university in the psychology department…not sure they'll respect an MSW, but I thought it would be cool to teach psychopathology or human behavior. I also am applying for a social work position in an OB/Gyn office. Maybe I can become a doula…I've heard the word many times recently…you should check it out, you could start your own business. I think it's a fascinating possibility.
http://www.birtharts.com/childbirth-educator-certification.htm
gclid=CJvwvu_5ksYCFQyqaQodWSEAsw
The bugs are delivering messages…
I like the ants as architects of their own lives…
I don't think that men are truly attracted to their own children…
but, many are attracted to children as demonstrated by the number of paramours and stepfathers who molest their children. I think the protective factor is intact unless men are victims of violence. It's terrible, but every time I see a man living with a woman with children I suspect him of misconduct…
I have to tell myself to wait and see…
but my radar is on high alert.
The family is back…no more quiet time.
Until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think part of your sense of stagnation and inactivity is Mercury in retrograde…
it always makes me feel unempowered.
I had a session with my reiki healer last week…
she assigned a spirit guide to me specifically for motivation…
I want to regain health…
eating well, drinking water, exercise, sleep, meditation, yoga…
It may all be subliminal suggestion, but I've been strong in the face of temptation, fatigue, and hunger…
It's strange to say but Jennifer, my spirit guide, is working overtime for me.
Perhaps asking for a spirit guide to motivate you towards health is worth a try.
I'm applying for jobs again. I've applied at 2 branch campuses of the state university in the psychology department…not sure they'll respect an MSW, but I thought it would be cool to teach psychopathology or human behavior. I also am applying for a social work position in an OB/Gyn office. Maybe I can become a doula…I've heard the word many times recently…you should check it out, you could start your own business. I think it's a fascinating possibility.
http://www.birtharts.com/childbirth-educator-certification.htm
gclid=CJvwvu_5ksYCFQyqaQodWSEAsw
The bugs are delivering messages…
I like the ants as architects of their own lives…
I don't think that men are truly attracted to their own children…
but, many are attracted to children as demonstrated by the number of paramours and stepfathers who molest their children. I think the protective factor is intact unless men are victims of violence. It's terrible, but every time I see a man living with a woman with children I suspect him of misconduct…
I have to tell myself to wait and see…
but my radar is on high alert.
The family is back…no more quiet time.
Until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
buggies
I didn't have the baby today, and so I got to spend hours in the garden. Ahhh...already I feel better.
And I ate better today...lots of salads...leftovers from yesterday.
I sat in the garden for a long time, and tamed about a third of it. While I was working on prepping a bed and planting yellow beans, I was buzzed several times. I heard vibrations close, right against the back of my head. My first thought was hummingbird. But I kept watch and saw my companion was a dragonfly. Then, as I was working in a nearby bed, planting a lettuce mix, I saw a beetle climb on my leg. I stopped to look and realized it was a lightning bug. I didn't think much about it until I was working along the north fence, planting sunflowers and I saw something swing across my face, clinging to my hair - Tarzan style!! It was the lightning bug. The other insect that drew my attention was ants. I disrupted several large ant colonies when I turned the soil in some beds. Suddenly, I saw white specs moving around, looked closer and saw ants saving their eggs.
So, being me, I came into see of there was any information about the message these creatures bring. One line in the write up about dragonfly jumped out and got in my face. "Time to break down the illusions you have that restrict your actions or ideas."
Lightning bugs bring "Inspiration and hope, accomplishment through hope and effort." I read that I should trust my own rhythms. Ants teach us patience and how to be the architects of our own lives.
They are all addressing the issue I have been allowing to paralyze me. I am feeling old and tired and like I can't make a difference. I wonder if life is ever going to be any fun...time to let that go, I guess.
Just spending time in the dirt is my best medicine ever.
Hope you are feeling sunny and hale...
Love and hugs,
Clare
And I ate better today...lots of salads...leftovers from yesterday.
I sat in the garden for a long time, and tamed about a third of it. While I was working on prepping a bed and planting yellow beans, I was buzzed several times. I heard vibrations close, right against the back of my head. My first thought was hummingbird. But I kept watch and saw my companion was a dragonfly. Then, as I was working in a nearby bed, planting a lettuce mix, I saw a beetle climb on my leg. I stopped to look and realized it was a lightning bug. I didn't think much about it until I was working along the north fence, planting sunflowers and I saw something swing across my face, clinging to my hair - Tarzan style!! It was the lightning bug. The other insect that drew my attention was ants. I disrupted several large ant colonies when I turned the soil in some beds. Suddenly, I saw white specs moving around, looked closer and saw ants saving their eggs.
So, being me, I came into see of there was any information about the message these creatures bring. One line in the write up about dragonfly jumped out and got in my face. "Time to break down the illusions you have that restrict your actions or ideas."
Lightning bugs bring "Inspiration and hope, accomplishment through hope and effort." I read that I should trust my own rhythms. Ants teach us patience and how to be the architects of our own lives.
They are all addressing the issue I have been allowing to paralyze me. I am feeling old and tired and like I can't make a difference. I wonder if life is ever going to be any fun...time to let that go, I guess.
Just spending time in the dirt is my best medicine ever.
Hope you are feeling sunny and hale...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Sunday, June 14, 2015
finally quiet
Hi Maggie,
It has been a full weekend, and finally, my house is quiet...we'll except for the storms we continue to have. We are starting to get some flooding.
Yesterday afternoon I called my middle child, whose wife's birthday it was, and asked if they were coming to the dance. They said no, but that the kids were hoping I would take them because they wanted to go...so we did, my youngest, my friend and I. Then they stayed overnight. And because they were staying overnight, youngest asked if hers could to...because when she works at 7:00 am, getting to my house and back down to work is a long trek which means an early morning.
So I have been on for a long time. I do enjoy having them here. It reminds me of when mine were young. I miss those days so desperately sometimes. But having grandkids here reminds me that I have glamorized my intense mommy-days.
I have been struggling with sugar again. Like any true addict, I had a little, because I know I can handle a little. Like any true addict, when I was strong, I knew I would never succumb. But I did and I ignored it and now I don't feel good and my clothes are uncomfortable and I am unhappy...the cycle is in full gear, yet I am just becoming aware of its beginning.
I read Flight Patterns by Barbara Kingsolver. It was about Monarch butterflies migrating to the wrong place because of climate change. Scientists descend upon a small town and - there are more changes. After reading that book, I realized that although I knew about climate change logically, deep inside, I thought things were chaotic now, but everything would get back to normal - eventually. That book led me to understand that changes are permanent. We are going to be living in a whole new place, if we survive.
Maybe I have the same intellectual lapse about weight. I eat perfectly now, but can go back to normal later. Two of my friends lost weight - one lost a lot of weight. Both are regaining, going back to "normal". I need to allow for a new normal...but to do that I need to be a new self.
I think I am struggling with this a lot. I am looking at my life and am not happy with where I am or with any potentialities...I see none. I know that is not the truth, but it's he truth my brain currently accepts.
And I know sugar is affecting the way I interpret everything...
Why was it so easy to stop last year and so hard this year?
I know being 59 is a lot to swallow. But having my oldest turn 35 really hit me harder.
They are just numbers, but in this culture everything is gauged in numbers.
And onto another subject...I saw an article about a conference at Cambridge where
some experts said it is normal for adult men to be sexually aroused by children. I was pretty upset. I think experts can find what they need to find to justify themselves. It's like going back to justifying survival of the fittest, and ignoring the altruist because it doesn't fit your worldview.
This feels like part of the snowball of hatred and against women and children that is rolling downhill toward us, faster and faster, threatening to swallow us all in it's lie.
One thing that came to me is that children are attractive. That cuteness is what makes us open our hearts and serve them. In a healthy individual, this fires protectiveness in the adult, not lust. But I wondered about the infantalization of women- the changes we make in order to be attractive. We shave our legs and arm-pits - to remove secondary sexual characteristics. We redden our lips and make our eyes look larger....
I don't know...I think I'm too tired to think clearly. Had lots of things I wanted to share yesterday, but no more brain power left today!
Love and hugs from Clare
It has been a full weekend, and finally, my house is quiet...we'll except for the storms we continue to have. We are starting to get some flooding.
Yesterday afternoon I called my middle child, whose wife's birthday it was, and asked if they were coming to the dance. They said no, but that the kids were hoping I would take them because they wanted to go...so we did, my youngest, my friend and I. Then they stayed overnight. And because they were staying overnight, youngest asked if hers could to...because when she works at 7:00 am, getting to my house and back down to work is a long trek which means an early morning.
So I have been on for a long time. I do enjoy having them here. It reminds me of when mine were young. I miss those days so desperately sometimes. But having grandkids here reminds me that I have glamorized my intense mommy-days.
I have been struggling with sugar again. Like any true addict, I had a little, because I know I can handle a little. Like any true addict, when I was strong, I knew I would never succumb. But I did and I ignored it and now I don't feel good and my clothes are uncomfortable and I am unhappy...the cycle is in full gear, yet I am just becoming aware of its beginning.
I read Flight Patterns by Barbara Kingsolver. It was about Monarch butterflies migrating to the wrong place because of climate change. Scientists descend upon a small town and - there are more changes. After reading that book, I realized that although I knew about climate change logically, deep inside, I thought things were chaotic now, but everything would get back to normal - eventually. That book led me to understand that changes are permanent. We are going to be living in a whole new place, if we survive.
Maybe I have the same intellectual lapse about weight. I eat perfectly now, but can go back to normal later. Two of my friends lost weight - one lost a lot of weight. Both are regaining, going back to "normal". I need to allow for a new normal...but to do that I need to be a new self.
I think I am struggling with this a lot. I am looking at my life and am not happy with where I am or with any potentialities...I see none. I know that is not the truth, but it's he truth my brain currently accepts.
And I know sugar is affecting the way I interpret everything...
Why was it so easy to stop last year and so hard this year?
I know being 59 is a lot to swallow. But having my oldest turn 35 really hit me harder.
They are just numbers, but in this culture everything is gauged in numbers.
And onto another subject...I saw an article about a conference at Cambridge where
some experts said it is normal for adult men to be sexually aroused by children. I was pretty upset. I think experts can find what they need to find to justify themselves. It's like going back to justifying survival of the fittest, and ignoring the altruist because it doesn't fit your worldview.
This feels like part of the snowball of hatred and against women and children that is rolling downhill toward us, faster and faster, threatening to swallow us all in it's lie.
One thing that came to me is that children are attractive. That cuteness is what makes us open our hearts and serve them. In a healthy individual, this fires protectiveness in the adult, not lust. But I wondered about the infantalization of women- the changes we make in order to be attractive. We shave our legs and arm-pits - to remove secondary sexual characteristics. We redden our lips and make our eyes look larger....
I don't know...I think I'm too tired to think clearly. Had lots of things I wanted to share yesterday, but no more brain power left today!
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, June 13, 2015
It's late...
Clare,
I hope that you danced your shoes off tonight…
I haven't contra-danced in 3 years…
I'm not good at it at all…
My partners usually laugh and move on to someone who knows what they are doing…
it's OK I'm dancing for fun.
I watched Elizabeth…
a movie about Queen Elizabeth…
and thought of you as an Elizabethean woman.
Have you seen Avatar?
The movie about the blue species of part humanoid beings that are connected to their planet.
I think you would thrive on a planet such as that…
I know I would love it.
Good night…it's late.
Maggie
I hope that you danced your shoes off tonight…
I haven't contra-danced in 3 years…
I'm not good at it at all…
My partners usually laugh and move on to someone who knows what they are doing…
it's OK I'm dancing for fun.
I watched Elizabeth…
a movie about Queen Elizabeth…
and thought of you as an Elizabethean woman.
Have you seen Avatar?
The movie about the blue species of part humanoid beings that are connected to their planet.
I think you would thrive on a planet such as that…
I know I would love it.
Good night…it's late.
Maggie
Saturday
Good very early morning Maggie!
Today was my only day to sleep until I woke up naturally - no alarm clock. But, at 5:44 my dog came and put her front feet on the bed and gave me the doe-eyes. I petted her for a few minutes, but she didn't climb up. She is getting old and is having kidney problems. So when she has to go, she has to go immediately and she goes a lot.
So we're up.
We, my dog and I, have to get the house clean. And we have to bake. And my oldest is coming over to work on math with me. Once this course is finished, she will have earned her bachelors. Then my youngest and the babe, as well as my closest friend will come for dinner before we all go to a contra dance. Fun day in store. Then tomorrow we have a family dinner for four of the five birthday celebrants we have in the first two weeks of June. The fifth is my boy out west.
And it is raining again. We have been having wild thunderstorms almost daily. We were on tornado watch last night - our village was specifically mentioned in the list. Everyone was calling each other to make sure we all knew. Because of radar, we could anticipate more vividly.
The baby is afraid of thunder, as is the aformentioned fur-baby. I sat in the west window and watched. The others sat under my desk, and the baby went to sleep - always a good escape!
I woke up listening to rain. Everything is so soft here. It feels like the Earth is vulnerable. We lose trees in the high winds because the ground is so soft - it can't anchor the roots.
I thought about this for awhile, before we had to get up and go out in the rain.
Last night, during the raging storm, I tried to send love to the Earth, to Gaia. I love that understanding that the planet is sentient. The first time I heard the hypothesis, I felt truth in my soul. I was aware that these storms are a way to balance.
In the early morning, listening to rain, I thought about us, our species, and what we are doing to the planet's health. We are like a rogue virus. But not all of us. So, it's almost like we are not one species. There is more than one species of human if we look at attitude and lifestyle rather than just at biological organism. The key might be to just love us all, as a way back to health and balance.
So I started thinking about my body and all the microbes that combine to make me. And all of the imbalances that cause disease. And I realized I have to love all of me - everything I contain.
I worked on that a little.
I thought about imbalances caused by abuse and neglect humans cause each other and was overwhelmed by feelings from the rape and disregard our species has inflicted on this planet. I really felt a one-ness. What happens to the Earth, happens to us.
There was more, and it gets weirder...another day.
I hope you have a nice weekend. A full day is just before me. Time to smile and power through!
Love and hugs from Clare
Today was my only day to sleep until I woke up naturally - no alarm clock. But, at 5:44 my dog came and put her front feet on the bed and gave me the doe-eyes. I petted her for a few minutes, but she didn't climb up. She is getting old and is having kidney problems. So when she has to go, she has to go immediately and she goes a lot.
So we're up.
We, my dog and I, have to get the house clean. And we have to bake. And my oldest is coming over to work on math with me. Once this course is finished, she will have earned her bachelors. Then my youngest and the babe, as well as my closest friend will come for dinner before we all go to a contra dance. Fun day in store. Then tomorrow we have a family dinner for four of the five birthday celebrants we have in the first two weeks of June. The fifth is my boy out west.
And it is raining again. We have been having wild thunderstorms almost daily. We were on tornado watch last night - our village was specifically mentioned in the list. Everyone was calling each other to make sure we all knew. Because of radar, we could anticipate more vividly.
The baby is afraid of thunder, as is the aformentioned fur-baby. I sat in the west window and watched. The others sat under my desk, and the baby went to sleep - always a good escape!
I woke up listening to rain. Everything is so soft here. It feels like the Earth is vulnerable. We lose trees in the high winds because the ground is so soft - it can't anchor the roots.
I thought about this for awhile, before we had to get up and go out in the rain.
Last night, during the raging storm, I tried to send love to the Earth, to Gaia. I love that understanding that the planet is sentient. The first time I heard the hypothesis, I felt truth in my soul. I was aware that these storms are a way to balance.
In the early morning, listening to rain, I thought about us, our species, and what we are doing to the planet's health. We are like a rogue virus. But not all of us. So, it's almost like we are not one species. There is more than one species of human if we look at attitude and lifestyle rather than just at biological organism. The key might be to just love us all, as a way back to health and balance.
So I started thinking about my body and all the microbes that combine to make me. And all of the imbalances that cause disease. And I realized I have to love all of me - everything I contain.
I worked on that a little.
I thought about imbalances caused by abuse and neglect humans cause each other and was overwhelmed by feelings from the rape and disregard our species has inflicted on this planet. I really felt a one-ness. What happens to the Earth, happens to us.
There was more, and it gets weirder...another day.
I hope you have a nice weekend. A full day is just before me. Time to smile and power through!
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, June 11, 2015
i suppose
hi maggie,
sleeping toddler on my lap...she has been clingy lately. i'm not sure if it is a developmental phase, or if her mama is working too much. but she doesn't like me to be out of her sight. her problem is that what i do is boring. classic conflict of wills. she will allow me to be in the garden for about 30 minutes before the whining commences. she does like to push the big seeds into the soil, thoughl. that is even more exciting now that she sees beans sprouting.
we had our girl birthday this week. my daughters celebrated together - they went and got manicures and makeovers together. we actually have five birthdays in just under two weeks. sunday will be a big family dinner.
you have certainly had your hands full this week. is everyone okay now? your surgical patient? your lyme patient?
you mentioned collecting misfits...i just read about the number of homeless teenagers we have in this country. i had no idea. my heart is breaking. where do we look to find those who fall through the cracks?
and again, what has happened to our humanity?
now that your top half has been reunited with your bottom half, ask your healer who you are supposed to seek out and serve.
still working on grief, but hard to go deep with a toddler on my lap.
later, i suppose...
love and hugs from clare
sleeping toddler on my lap...she has been clingy lately. i'm not sure if it is a developmental phase, or if her mama is working too much. but she doesn't like me to be out of her sight. her problem is that what i do is boring. classic conflict of wills. she will allow me to be in the garden for about 30 minutes before the whining commences. she does like to push the big seeds into the soil, thoughl. that is even more exciting now that she sees beans sprouting.
we had our girl birthday this week. my daughters celebrated together - they went and got manicures and makeovers together. we actually have five birthdays in just under two weeks. sunday will be a big family dinner.
you have certainly had your hands full this week. is everyone okay now? your surgical patient? your lyme patient?
you mentioned collecting misfits...i just read about the number of homeless teenagers we have in this country. i had no idea. my heart is breaking. where do we look to find those who fall through the cracks?
and again, what has happened to our humanity?
now that your top half has been reunited with your bottom half, ask your healer who you are supposed to seek out and serve.
still working on grief, but hard to go deep with a toddler on my lap.
later, i suppose...
love and hugs from clare
summer unstructured
Clare,
I have an unexpected free morning today…
4 clients have cancelled so far…
I've spent my morning walking, and I've just applied for 2 teaching positions…
both are in psychology departments at branch campuses near my home.
I am already scheduled to teach one course at the closest campus…
the one I've taught at previously.
But, I want to use my social work knowledge too.
I'm hoping to have morning classes 5 days a week and then counsel in the afternoons.
Summer time is upon us.
The schedule of the day is unstructured…
which I like to a point…
the youngest started off-season football practice last evening…
he'll do that Mon - Thurs evenings…
and he starts at Wendy's next week…
hopefully those activities and spending time with his girlfriend will prevent boredom.
Boredom is a huge problem with both my boys…
it triggers drug use…
can't think of anything else to do.
The older son is still looking for a job, but doesn't really want to work.
He is enjoying the freedom of time.
I just talked (actually texted) with S#4. She is doing well. Expansion begins tomorrow for her. I advised patience…
don't rush to fill the expanders because it will end up hurting and potentially complicating the issue.
My little dog is resting…
mostly comfortable…
but she definitely has times of discomfort…
she whines and shakes all over.
I don't remember her or the other one being this uncomfortable in the previous experiences.
Oh well, time and love will heal her.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I have an unexpected free morning today…
4 clients have cancelled so far…
I've spent my morning walking, and I've just applied for 2 teaching positions…
both are in psychology departments at branch campuses near my home.
I am already scheduled to teach one course at the closest campus…
the one I've taught at previously.
But, I want to use my social work knowledge too.
I'm hoping to have morning classes 5 days a week and then counsel in the afternoons.
Summer time is upon us.
The schedule of the day is unstructured…
which I like to a point…
the youngest started off-season football practice last evening…
he'll do that Mon - Thurs evenings…
and he starts at Wendy's next week…
hopefully those activities and spending time with his girlfriend will prevent boredom.
Boredom is a huge problem with both my boys…
it triggers drug use…
can't think of anything else to do.
The older son is still looking for a job, but doesn't really want to work.
He is enjoying the freedom of time.
I just talked (actually texted) with S#4. She is doing well. Expansion begins tomorrow for her. I advised patience…
don't rush to fill the expanders because it will end up hurting and potentially complicating the issue.
My little dog is resting…
mostly comfortable…
but she definitely has times of discomfort…
she whines and shakes all over.
I don't remember her or the other one being this uncomfortable in the previous experiences.
Oh well, time and love will heal her.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
exhausted
Clare,
Today I spent on the road.
My little dog had her knee repaired…4 hours in the car for that.
I came home between drop off and pick up and took my youngest for his permit test…
he failed it by one point.
Then I finally got home and my older son showed me a skin infection on his thigh…
so I drove him to an urgent care center for antibiotics. Diagnosis- Lyme disease.
Finally home…
my little dog was shaking all over…
I tried pain meds, a drink, petting her…
nothing worked…
I took her out to pee and she peed more than I've ever seen come out of her body.
What a day.
I am exhausted. I'll check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Today I spent on the road.
My little dog had her knee repaired…4 hours in the car for that.
I came home between drop off and pick up and took my youngest for his permit test…
he failed it by one point.
Then I finally got home and my older son showed me a skin infection on his thigh…
so I drove him to an urgent care center for antibiotics. Diagnosis- Lyme disease.
Finally home…
my little dog was shaking all over…
I tried pain meds, a drink, petting her…
nothing worked…
I took her out to pee and she peed more than I've ever seen come out of her body.
What a day.
I am exhausted. I'll check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
collecting misfits
Clare,
I'm sorry, I read the posts over the weekend and then was pulled in another direction…
I forgot to come back to this.
Last evening I had an appointment with my reiki healer…
she told me that I am maintaining my connection between top and bottom halves of my body.
I actually laughed out loud at that…
the image of me walking and losing half of myself…
gives a new meaning to "the bottom dropping out" …
anyway, I'm trying to juggle too much as usual.
I am running into obstacles at both of my jobs…
I'm getting the message that it is time for me to create or move onto something else.
I've been struck several times this past two weeks with people telling me they set up homes for people who don't have one…one was for ex-prisoners, the other for juveniles, and another for LGTBQ young adults…it is an interesting concept.
I just don't know how to proceed.
Do I start collecting misfits like I do horses and cats?
Or do I consciously and intentionally create a space for healing and belonging?
I am starting to feel a little more energy coming back to my body. I've been able to walk each day and not consume quantities of ice cream when stressed…I think that's progress.
I was reading about grief too…
an interesting association that I read was to the word gravid, which is pregnant…
so is it the weight of the pregnancy that is alluded to or should grief be a part of pregnancy?
I think it's the weight carried. I remember reading Carolyn Myss who wrote, "the more weight (spiritual weight) you carry, the longer you have to wait"…maybe that has something to do with grief.
Tomorrow my little dog has surgery on her left, back leg. She tore the cruciate ligament and it will be surgically repaired. She has a repaired right knee also from a similar injury 3 years ago. It will be about 4 - 6 weeks of recovery from the surgery. It's always something.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm sorry, I read the posts over the weekend and then was pulled in another direction…
I forgot to come back to this.
Last evening I had an appointment with my reiki healer…
she told me that I am maintaining my connection between top and bottom halves of my body.
I actually laughed out loud at that…
the image of me walking and losing half of myself…
gives a new meaning to "the bottom dropping out" …
anyway, I'm trying to juggle too much as usual.
I am running into obstacles at both of my jobs…
I'm getting the message that it is time for me to create or move onto something else.
I've been struck several times this past two weeks with people telling me they set up homes for people who don't have one…one was for ex-prisoners, the other for juveniles, and another for LGTBQ young adults…it is an interesting concept.
I just don't know how to proceed.
Do I start collecting misfits like I do horses and cats?
Or do I consciously and intentionally create a space for healing and belonging?
I am starting to feel a little more energy coming back to my body. I've been able to walk each day and not consume quantities of ice cream when stressed…I think that's progress.
I was reading about grief too…
an interesting association that I read was to the word gravid, which is pregnant…
so is it the weight of the pregnancy that is alluded to or should grief be a part of pregnancy?
I think it's the weight carried. I remember reading Carolyn Myss who wrote, "the more weight (spiritual weight) you carry, the longer you have to wait"…maybe that has something to do with grief.
Tomorrow my little dog has surgery on her left, back leg. She tore the cruciate ligament and it will be surgically repaired. She has a repaired right knee also from a similar injury 3 years ago. It will be about 4 - 6 weeks of recovery from the surgery. It's always something.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Grrrief
Hi Maggie,
I hope everything is okay...
I have been reading about and thinking about grief. The article I read asserted that grief underlies anger.
Grief is the noun, grave is the adjective. A synonym listed for grave was weighty. That made me laugh. It was my weighty self that drew me to grief. It is the grief that makes me weighty. It may be the grief and weight that take me to my grave.
Words are always fascinating. It's like there's always a hook or a joke or a catch.
The opposite of grief is joy...takes me back to Brene Brown...
I read that grief has many dimensions. The ones that grabbed me were physical, behavioral, and spiritual. I am a bit weighty on all dimensions, I think.
I was lost in the reading your healer gave us a year and a half ago. I think I am always detached - never joyful.
I read the classic - grief has seven stages: shock and denial; pain and guilt; anger and bargaining; depression - refection - loneliness; an upward turn; reconstruction and working through; and finally - acceptance and hope. I think parts of me are stuck in, or perhaps working on, each stage.
Makes me think of shamanism, and wonder if a soul retrieval would help...
Something I have never seen before is that grief has five personas. There is the Nomad - someone who doesn't resolve their grief and just moves on trying to find an answer. The Memorialist lives in the grief. The Normalizer, I think, is a controller...that person who desperately believes that appearances are everything. The Activist works with others - let's understand this together. The Seeker looks for religion or a community to help find way.
I can see myself working in each persona. I think strongest might be the Nomad and the Activist. But I am very aware that I look different to myself than I do to others.
So I will pick at this a little more, before I move onto mercy.
Mercy is a word I can use, but the concept is probably more than I think it is...
I love and miss you...Clare
I hope everything is okay...
I have been reading about and thinking about grief. The article I read asserted that grief underlies anger.
Grief is the noun, grave is the adjective. A synonym listed for grave was weighty. That made me laugh. It was my weighty self that drew me to grief. It is the grief that makes me weighty. It may be the grief and weight that take me to my grave.
Words are always fascinating. It's like there's always a hook or a joke or a catch.
The opposite of grief is joy...takes me back to Brene Brown...
I read that grief has many dimensions. The ones that grabbed me were physical, behavioral, and spiritual. I am a bit weighty on all dimensions, I think.
I was lost in the reading your healer gave us a year and a half ago. I think I am always detached - never joyful.
I read the classic - grief has seven stages: shock and denial; pain and guilt; anger and bargaining; depression - refection - loneliness; an upward turn; reconstruction and working through; and finally - acceptance and hope. I think parts of me are stuck in, or perhaps working on, each stage.
Makes me think of shamanism, and wonder if a soul retrieval would help...
Something I have never seen before is that grief has five personas. There is the Nomad - someone who doesn't resolve their grief and just moves on trying to find an answer. The Memorialist lives in the grief. The Normalizer, I think, is a controller...that person who desperately believes that appearances are everything. The Activist works with others - let's understand this together. The Seeker looks for religion or a community to help find way.
I can see myself working in each persona. I think strongest might be the Nomad and the Activist. But I am very aware that I look different to myself than I do to others.
So I will pick at this a little more, before I move onto mercy.
Mercy is a word I can use, but the concept is probably more than I think it is...
I love and miss you...Clare
Saturday, June 6, 2015
p.s.
Hi Maggie,
I thought I would check in tomorrow morning. But then I realized I will have my toddling companion at about 6:30 tomorrow morning. It's quiet now, so now is time to reflect on the day.
I made it through the three hours of silence. It was actually easy. There was a sense of timelessness. It was almost like I had the freedom to go anywhere, because the time was not going to end and catch me trapped in my center and suddenly jerked back to real time.
I haven't had time to research the etymology of the word "grief" but I was with the word, with the concept in the silence. I definitely got the message that liver is tied to anger. But I didn't know that the kidneys are connected to grief. I also had the message/idea that the excess fat I carry is tied to unshed tears. I will be thinking about this.
It was good to be with Friends. It was good to sit in the sun and share lunch. It was good to come home and mow the lawn for about three hours. It was good to have dinner with my baby and her baby.
Then a friend called to tell me about someone she knew who died in a freak accident. Suddenly life is over. It was a shock and she needed to talk, I was so glad that I could listen.
Good day...
How was yours?
Love and hugs,
Clare
I thought I would check in tomorrow morning. But then I realized I will have my toddling companion at about 6:30 tomorrow morning. It's quiet now, so now is time to reflect on the day.
I made it through the three hours of silence. It was actually easy. There was a sense of timelessness. It was almost like I had the freedom to go anywhere, because the time was not going to end and catch me trapped in my center and suddenly jerked back to real time.
I haven't had time to research the etymology of the word "grief" but I was with the word, with the concept in the silence. I definitely got the message that liver is tied to anger. But I didn't know that the kidneys are connected to grief. I also had the message/idea that the excess fat I carry is tied to unshed tears. I will be thinking about this.
It was good to be with Friends. It was good to sit in the sun and share lunch. It was good to come home and mow the lawn for about three hours. It was good to have dinner with my baby and her baby.
Then a friend called to tell me about someone she knew who died in a freak accident. Suddenly life is over. It was a shock and she needed to talk, I was so glad that I could listen.
Good day...
How was yours?
Love and hugs,
Clare
Mommy Jekyll-Mommy Hyde
“If we do not know how to transform and heal the wounds in
ourselves, we are going to transmit them to our children and
grandchildren.”
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Good morning my Sister!
Today is extended worship. Three hours of silence to start. I am still very nervous. Not as much because of the potential in the silence, but because I am afraid I will fall asleep. And if I do, what if I snore? These are well-founded fears. We had thunderstorms last night. The baby and the dogs were restless. One of my dogs shakes and hides. I did not get much restful sleep.
I remember staying with Grandma once, and she fell asleep in the afternoon. When she woke up she asked me if she snored. I said no, she just made funny noises with her nose...
I still struggle with safe, maybe because I don't know safe. And if one does not know safe, it is hard to recognize safe enough. Maybe I am more comfortable with smart enough, kind enough, pretty enough because I have had flashes of being okay, being acceptable. Safe may always be a struggle for me. That makes it hard to trust. But I can fake it, I suppose.
Another random thought - I read an article once about someone who planned to take a vacation some place fabulous. Travel plans got all screwed up and the person ended up some place different. So we mourn. We are not where we planned to go. It's normal to be sad. But stop, look around, where you are is also interesting and good...okay...maybe more than okay. Your son, and you, are mourning not being in the first place. Sometimes that is how we realize where we want to be...But with all of your struggles, you are in a good place. I personally prefer the people who do it different. who think along the way and don't conform to meaningless social rituals. Take a breath - for some they are not meaningless, but there is always a different way of seeing the world, and much of what we do seems pretty stripped of meaning.
I read an article that profoundly touched my soul. The link is at the bottom of the page. I lifted some of the most pointed quotes and embedded them here. They are in bold font.
I was Mommy Jekyll-Mommy Hyde. I was a fun, patient, creative, involved mom who could turn into a screaming monster. Their dad was as uninvolved as he could possibly be - he creatively pushed the limits every week. My closest friend called him Uncle Daddy. My kids had no safe place to go. Hmmmmm...another generation of not safe. I did that...
Thank heavens I went to Al-Anon and found my balanced mommy before leaving the marriage. At that point his behavior was causing more and more pain. But I was finally becoming safe.
But this article really slammed me...
The quotes are in the order I found them in the article
“The point of yoga isn’t to replace the darkness with light,” she said. “No. We are working to integrate and honor all of life’s energies.”
As a Quaker, this speaks to me. And trying to find time to work with the Rex Ambler meditations, this really hits my soul. I am thinking about ways to honor the dark. No, really - how do we honor the parts of ourselves that caused the shadow, that kept us in the dark? These parts are the inner hero - it's how we kept ourselves alive.
Gotta keep loving that little scapegoat!
Underneath anger is always the wound of grief. Sadness is the undercurrent characterizing the life of the verbally abusive. Underneath the ugly words is a great deal of heartache.
Maybe we should start working with grief. Maybe I will research the word a little and see what I can find. I find this quote soothing and healing. Yes, I am in pain. Yes, I am sad. Does anyone see me? Does anyone care? I'm right here...
Now, how do I take this pain and see others? How do I stop this, this blackness on the planet? When we see pain, can we stop and look people in the eyes, see them, really see their souls, and say. "I know it hurts."
We all carry wounds. But do we carry them with gentleness, mindfulness and mercy? If we do, our children will learn how to do the same.
After grief. I will think about mercy. I think I need to be merciful with myself, to stop the constant harangue of not enough that bangs around inside my skull so much of the time.
Probably time to watch Brene again...
According to Patricia Evans, author of “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” a verbal abuser doesn’t seek out intimacy in relationships; rather he or she seeks control.
And this...this is hard. I say I have not ever gone into another relationship, that I have refused the few who approached, that I packed weight on to be invisible and unacceptable...I say it was to protect the kids. I saw friends do it wrong, to bring in men who hurt their children, to create situations that sexualized their children. I did not do that.
Okay.
So was that a good choice?
On some levels - absolutely. But I feel hollow. I feel invisible. I want to be invisible, but I want someone to see me.
Do we ever get past schizophrenic? Is this part of the human experience, or just part of the aftermath of being raised in violence?
Do I fear loss of control? Is that what makes me panic and shut down when faced with the one man I really wanted to get to know? I refused to open. I let fear destroy me.
I want to lose control, but I don't want to lose control.
I am so ready for three hours of silence. Light help me!
Love and hugs and tears and shudders..and lots of overwhelming emotions from Clare
http://www.phillyvoice.com/daddy-jekyll-hyde-patterns-verbal-abuse-children/
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Good morning my Sister!
Today is extended worship. Three hours of silence to start. I am still very nervous. Not as much because of the potential in the silence, but because I am afraid I will fall asleep. And if I do, what if I snore? These are well-founded fears. We had thunderstorms last night. The baby and the dogs were restless. One of my dogs shakes and hides. I did not get much restful sleep.
I remember staying with Grandma once, and she fell asleep in the afternoon. When she woke up she asked me if she snored. I said no, she just made funny noises with her nose...
I still struggle with safe, maybe because I don't know safe. And if one does not know safe, it is hard to recognize safe enough. Maybe I am more comfortable with smart enough, kind enough, pretty enough because I have had flashes of being okay, being acceptable. Safe may always be a struggle for me. That makes it hard to trust. But I can fake it, I suppose.
Another random thought - I read an article once about someone who planned to take a vacation some place fabulous. Travel plans got all screwed up and the person ended up some place different. So we mourn. We are not where we planned to go. It's normal to be sad. But stop, look around, where you are is also interesting and good...okay...maybe more than okay. Your son, and you, are mourning not being in the first place. Sometimes that is how we realize where we want to be...But with all of your struggles, you are in a good place. I personally prefer the people who do it different. who think along the way and don't conform to meaningless social rituals. Take a breath - for some they are not meaningless, but there is always a different way of seeing the world, and much of what we do seems pretty stripped of meaning.
I read an article that profoundly touched my soul. The link is at the bottom of the page. I lifted some of the most pointed quotes and embedded them here. They are in bold font.
I was Mommy Jekyll-Mommy Hyde. I was a fun, patient, creative, involved mom who could turn into a screaming monster. Their dad was as uninvolved as he could possibly be - he creatively pushed the limits every week. My closest friend called him Uncle Daddy. My kids had no safe place to go. Hmmmmm...another generation of not safe. I did that...
Thank heavens I went to Al-Anon and found my balanced mommy before leaving the marriage. At that point his behavior was causing more and more pain. But I was finally becoming safe.
But this article really slammed me...
The quotes are in the order I found them in the article
“The point of yoga isn’t to replace the darkness with light,” she said. “No. We are working to integrate and honor all of life’s energies.”
As a Quaker, this speaks to me. And trying to find time to work with the Rex Ambler meditations, this really hits my soul. I am thinking about ways to honor the dark. No, really - how do we honor the parts of ourselves that caused the shadow, that kept us in the dark? These parts are the inner hero - it's how we kept ourselves alive.
Gotta keep loving that little scapegoat!
Underneath anger is always the wound of grief. Sadness is the undercurrent characterizing the life of the verbally abusive. Underneath the ugly words is a great deal of heartache.
Maybe we should start working with grief. Maybe I will research the word a little and see what I can find. I find this quote soothing and healing. Yes, I am in pain. Yes, I am sad. Does anyone see me? Does anyone care? I'm right here...
Now, how do I take this pain and see others? How do I stop this, this blackness on the planet? When we see pain, can we stop and look people in the eyes, see them, really see their souls, and say. "I know it hurts."
We all carry wounds. But do we carry them with gentleness, mindfulness and mercy? If we do, our children will learn how to do the same.
After grief. I will think about mercy. I think I need to be merciful with myself, to stop the constant harangue of not enough that bangs around inside my skull so much of the time.
Probably time to watch Brene again...
According to Patricia Evans, author of “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” a verbal abuser doesn’t seek out intimacy in relationships; rather he or she seeks control.
And this...this is hard. I say I have not ever gone into another relationship, that I have refused the few who approached, that I packed weight on to be invisible and unacceptable...I say it was to protect the kids. I saw friends do it wrong, to bring in men who hurt their children, to create situations that sexualized their children. I did not do that.
Okay.
So was that a good choice?
On some levels - absolutely. But I feel hollow. I feel invisible. I want to be invisible, but I want someone to see me.
Do we ever get past schizophrenic? Is this part of the human experience, or just part of the aftermath of being raised in violence?
Do I fear loss of control? Is that what makes me panic and shut down when faced with the one man I really wanted to get to know? I refused to open. I let fear destroy me.
I want to lose control, but I don't want to lose control.
I am so ready for three hours of silence. Light help me!
Love and hugs and tears and shudders..and lots of overwhelming emotions from Clare
http://www.phillyvoice.com/daddy-jekyll-hyde-patterns-verbal-abuse-children/
Friday, June 5, 2015
trust
Clare,
I think that we can be safe enough…
in most situations…
it has to do with trust…
in our own abilities and in others.
Trust is the key to safety.
Are we safe in a storm?
If we seek reliable shelter.
Are we safe on the highway?
If we trust the other driver to stay on their side of the road.
Are we safe with another person?
If they connect with us in a trustworthy manner.
So the question, as I see it isn't about safe enough, it's do I trust enough?
Today is graduation day…
my son is not graduating.
I thought I was OK with this, but am feeling saddened by his missing this milestone. I know he will be finished in 6 months, but I wish he was finishing with the cohort that he began with. We have a lot of friends whose children are graduating, and yet are not going to celebrate.
We haven't been invited to any graduation parties…
it's like people are afraid to ask what's going on.
It's kind of ridiculous to feel this as a loss…
but that is how it is reading in my mind and heart.
He is irritable today…
I believe it is weighing heavily on him as well…
I've asked him to use good judgement and not drive intoxicated…
call me anytime for a ride.
I am asking the Angels of Protection to be with him this evening and night…
my reiki healer says that works…
I will trust in that.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think that we can be safe enough…
in most situations…
it has to do with trust…
in our own abilities and in others.
Trust is the key to safety.
Are we safe in a storm?
If we seek reliable shelter.
Are we safe on the highway?
If we trust the other driver to stay on their side of the road.
Are we safe with another person?
If they connect with us in a trustworthy manner.
So the question, as I see it isn't about safe enough, it's do I trust enough?
Today is graduation day…
my son is not graduating.
I thought I was OK with this, but am feeling saddened by his missing this milestone. I know he will be finished in 6 months, but I wish he was finishing with the cohort that he began with. We have a lot of friends whose children are graduating, and yet are not going to celebrate.
We haven't been invited to any graduation parties…
it's like people are afraid to ask what's going on.
It's kind of ridiculous to feel this as a loss…
but that is how it is reading in my mind and heart.
He is irritable today…
I believe it is weighing heavily on him as well…
I've asked him to use good judgement and not drive intoxicated…
call me anytime for a ride.
I am asking the Angels of Protection to be with him this evening and night…
my reiki healer says that works…
I will trust in that.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, June 4, 2015
enoughs
again, i'm one-fingered typing while holding a sleeping toddler. i realized today that she is a bit of a worry-wart. she always needs to be close and to know exactly what is happening. i know if i put her down. there's an 85% chance she will come and find me. then we start over with the singing and reading.
tonight she would not stop talking. i finally put her down and told her i would pick her back up when she was done...and now, silence!
i moved her wading pool close to the garden fence where i am trying to work. that sort of helped. we saw a daddy-long-legger, and got jumped on by the cutest little jumping spider twice, and found a tiny little garden spider. i think i need to reflect on spider's message. we also saw a dragonfly, a snail with a gilded shell and a big ol' garter snake. life is interesting at a two-year-old's level.
some how safe enough feels different than the other enoughs. safe enough always seemed to be out of my control. smart enough, pretty enough - that seems to come from within. of course my self-perspective was skewed by dad's hatefulness, but it seems fixable. i can readjust my point of view or my personal expectations.
but safe enough...can we create safe enough? i try to create safe space around me - so people feel welcomed and respected. i try to listen, to be open and nonjudgmental. i try to keep my home even, or even happy. but that doesn't create safe space for me.
i will have to think more about this.
i like the perspective you got from rereading your journal. 'twas just a little gift from the universe.
i have the babe again tomorrow, so i'll probably be back, typing with one finger!
love and hugs from clare
tonight she would not stop talking. i finally put her down and told her i would pick her back up when she was done...and now, silence!
i moved her wading pool close to the garden fence where i am trying to work. that sort of helped. we saw a daddy-long-legger, and got jumped on by the cutest little jumping spider twice, and found a tiny little garden spider. i think i need to reflect on spider's message. we also saw a dragonfly, a snail with a gilded shell and a big ol' garter snake. life is interesting at a two-year-old's level.
some how safe enough feels different than the other enoughs. safe enough always seemed to be out of my control. smart enough, pretty enough - that seems to come from within. of course my self-perspective was skewed by dad's hatefulness, but it seems fixable. i can readjust my point of view or my personal expectations.
but safe enough...can we create safe enough? i try to create safe space around me - so people feel welcomed and respected. i try to listen, to be open and nonjudgmental. i try to keep my home even, or even happy. but that doesn't create safe space for me.
i will have to think more about this.
i like the perspective you got from rereading your journal. 'twas just a little gift from the universe.
i have the babe again tomorrow, so i'll probably be back, typing with one finger!
love and hugs from clare
Are we ever _______ enough?
Claire,
The idea of safe enough resonates…
what guarantees do we needs to live life unafraid?
Intellectually I know there are no guarantees.
But, our religion of origin taught that if we followed ten commandments and hundreds of other rules we would be safe…
at least in the afterlife…
perhaps after purgatory.
Are we ever ___________ enough?
Who defines the standard by which we compare?
I think this is the elegance of buddhism…
am I alive and present at this very moment?
Gratitude for that…
simple…
freeing…
but very difficult to live.
"I am enough"
I journal most mornings. Today I realized that I have only 3 pages left in this journal. I opened to the first page to see where I started this journal, it was from 2013. It was a passage from when I found pot in the ceiling of the basement, right after son#1 was arrested. We've been through a lot over the past 2 years. I am exhausted just remembering how long this has been going on.
The helpful thing is that I described son#1 then very much like son#2 now…
self-deception, excuses, lying, stealing, under-performing…
and I can see the growth and change in son#1…
I think that instills hope for the future.
But, it could be a very long 2 years.
I had a dream a few nights ago.
Vivid colors and a lot of activity and sounds.
It was an Alice in Wonderland kind of scenario.
I was standing outside of the action, directing it in a way…
I woke up because the dogs were barking in my room…
I remember the intensity of color and sound, but can no longer recall what I was directing the others to do… I hope it was benevolent.
I'll let you know if it replays.
The idea of safe enough resonates…
what guarantees do we needs to live life unafraid?
Intellectually I know there are no guarantees.
But, our religion of origin taught that if we followed ten commandments and hundreds of other rules we would be safe…
at least in the afterlife…
perhaps after purgatory.
Are we ever ___________ enough?
Who defines the standard by which we compare?
I think this is the elegance of buddhism…
am I alive and present at this very moment?
Gratitude for that…
simple…
freeing…
but very difficult to live.
"I am enough"
I journal most mornings. Today I realized that I have only 3 pages left in this journal. I opened to the first page to see where I started this journal, it was from 2013. It was a passage from when I found pot in the ceiling of the basement, right after son#1 was arrested. We've been through a lot over the past 2 years. I am exhausted just remembering how long this has been going on.
The helpful thing is that I described son#1 then very much like son#2 now…
self-deception, excuses, lying, stealing, under-performing…
and I can see the growth and change in son#1…
I think that instills hope for the future.
But, it could be a very long 2 years.
I had a dream a few nights ago.
Vivid colors and a lot of activity and sounds.
It was an Alice in Wonderland kind of scenario.
I was standing outside of the action, directing it in a way…
I woke up because the dogs were barking in my room…
I remember the intensity of color and sound, but can no longer recall what I was directing the others to do… I hope it was benevolent.
I'll let you know if it replays.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
safe enough
hi maggie,
it's one-handed hunt and peck tonight. i have a sleeping baby on my lap. i karaoked her to sleep! (is that a verb?)
thank you for the s#4 update. and your news is good, too - medically.
tears are cleansing. you probably "recognized" your new colleague. perhaps you'll be able to connect sometime in the future.
on saturday i am going to an extended meeting for worship. it will be 3 hours of silent worship in the morning, then another hour or two after lunch - of either silent worship or worship sharing. i'm nervous - can i be still for 3 hours? i'm expectant - spirit should have time to speak. we're going to do it again in october, in case you are interested.
so i attended a committee meeting last night. at one point we discussed "safe". are we ever safe? it hit a cord with me, because i often have a generalized sense of not being safe. i'm always waiting for something to come out of the dark, or bad news to come from someplace unexpected.
part of life is - no guarantees. we are never completely safe, completely protected.
last night we talked about "safe enough". are we safe enough? is safe enough enough???
i've been thinking about safe enough. safe enough draws in the element of faith. i am here. i belong here. i'm okay.
i wonder if being raised "safe enough" teaches us to trust "safe"?
if i create a safe place, then let go and trust the universe...is that it? is that enough? is that what we are supposed to do?
keep me posted on your training program...
love and hugs from clare
it's one-handed hunt and peck tonight. i have a sleeping baby on my lap. i karaoked her to sleep! (is that a verb?)
thank you for the s#4 update. and your news is good, too - medically.
tears are cleansing. you probably "recognized" your new colleague. perhaps you'll be able to connect sometime in the future.
on saturday i am going to an extended meeting for worship. it will be 3 hours of silent worship in the morning, then another hour or two after lunch - of either silent worship or worship sharing. i'm nervous - can i be still for 3 hours? i'm expectant - spirit should have time to speak. we're going to do it again in october, in case you are interested.
so i attended a committee meeting last night. at one point we discussed "safe". are we ever safe? it hit a cord with me, because i often have a generalized sense of not being safe. i'm always waiting for something to come out of the dark, or bad news to come from someplace unexpected.
part of life is - no guarantees. we are never completely safe, completely protected.
last night we talked about "safe enough". are we safe enough? is safe enough enough???
i've been thinking about safe enough. safe enough draws in the element of faith. i am here. i belong here. i'm okay.
i wonder if being raised "safe enough" teaches us to trust "safe"?
if i create a safe place, then let go and trust the universe...is that it? is that enough? is that what we are supposed to do?
keep me posted on your training program...
love and hugs from clare
just two things
Clare,
My agency hired a new director and she started two weeks ago. I really liked her, I was looking forward to working with her and learning from her. She had run a domestic violence shelter for 30 years. Anyway, since she took the job 3 family members have become very ill. Today she announced she was going back home. I actually started crying. I'm not sure why, but I did. I told her how much I had anticipated learning from her. Anyway, work is going to be crazy for a few more months I guess.
I had my oncology visit today. I told her how I have been feeling and she agreed to my stopping the Tamoxifen. She wants me to call in 2 months to tell her how I am doing. I may need to induce menopause and then use another class of meds, aromatase inhibitors. I'm not sure I want to take anything, but I will enjoy my two month hiatus. I hope that I can recover some of my energy and get healthy again.
Not much else happening here…those are the two things on my mind.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
My agency hired a new director and she started two weeks ago. I really liked her, I was looking forward to working with her and learning from her. She had run a domestic violence shelter for 30 years. Anyway, since she took the job 3 family members have become very ill. Today she announced she was going back home. I actually started crying. I'm not sure why, but I did. I told her how much I had anticipated learning from her. Anyway, work is going to be crazy for a few more months I guess.
I had my oncology visit today. I told her how I have been feeling and she agreed to my stopping the Tamoxifen. She wants me to call in 2 months to tell her how I am doing. I may need to induce menopause and then use another class of meds, aromatase inhibitors. I'm not sure I want to take anything, but I will enjoy my two month hiatus. I hope that I can recover some of my energy and get healthy again.
Not much else happening here…those are the two things on my mind.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
reminders
Clare,
I submitted the training on child abuse to the state for review today…
now I can focus my mind elsewhere for a while…
that's a blessing because I was getting weighed down by the whole topic.
I love the idea of BACA…
there is good in the world.
Tomorrow I go for my semi-annual visit to my oncologist…
a rude reminder that I have cancer…
or had cancer.
I want to stop the tamoxifen.
I want to get out of this funk I've been in since January.
I want to feel vital again.
Husband is even coming along to explain how bad it's been.
Falling asleep on the couch in the mid-afternoon on beautiful days…
stress eating…
no libido…
apathy…
minimal creativity…
just getting by…
existing…
not really living.
S#4 texted today, she is progressing well. She had clean pathology after the mastectomy (as expected), and has 2 of the 4 drains removed. The other 2 will come out tomorrow or Wednesday. She is healing well.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
I submitted the training on child abuse to the state for review today…
now I can focus my mind elsewhere for a while…
that's a blessing because I was getting weighed down by the whole topic.
I love the idea of BACA…
there is good in the world.
Tomorrow I go for my semi-annual visit to my oncologist…
a rude reminder that I have cancer…
or had cancer.
I want to stop the tamoxifen.
I want to get out of this funk I've been in since January.
I want to feel vital again.
Husband is even coming along to explain how bad it's been.
Falling asleep on the couch in the mid-afternoon on beautiful days…
stress eating…
no libido…
apathy…
minimal creativity…
just getting by…
existing…
not really living.
S#4 texted today, she is progressing well. She had clean pathology after the mastectomy (as expected), and has 2 of the 4 drains removed. The other 2 will come out tomorrow or Wednesday. She is healing well.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Monday, June 1, 2015
baca
HeyMaggie,
Your older son is only one English class away from graduation. That's fabulous. That's doable! He's going to make it! And I hope your older daughter loves where she is.
Just to remember there is good in this world...I just saw a video about BACA - Bikers Against Child Abuse. I worked with someone for awhile who is very involved with this group. In discussing the work they do, I was in tears more than once. I just watched a short video, and am all emotional again.
We have stereotypes. Bikers are supposed to be Hell's Angels types, looking for trouble, being brusque and violent and maybe a little bit scary. But they're not. Bikers, at least the ones who belong to BACA, are noble and caring and strong and they want to protect. I got the feeling that many of them were abused. And now, when a child has been identified as a victim of abuse, BACA adopts them, and makes them part of the family and protects them. They will accompany them to school, they will sit outside of the child's home all night if the child is afraid. They will go into the courtroom, if necessary, and be there for moral support and a physical presence of protection.
From discussions with the BACA member I mentioned, it seemed that by creating family for these abused children, they create family for themselves. Once they have community, the rest flows. It is so beautiful.
And there's something about watching a guy you expect to be rough be sweet and protective and - vulnerable. It touches the heart.
We need more elegant solutions like this, where someone sees a need, knows how to help, then does it.
Love and hugs from Clare
Your older son is only one English class away from graduation. That's fabulous. That's doable! He's going to make it! And I hope your older daughter loves where she is.
Just to remember there is good in this world...I just saw a video about BACA - Bikers Against Child Abuse. I worked with someone for awhile who is very involved with this group. In discussing the work they do, I was in tears more than once. I just watched a short video, and am all emotional again.
We have stereotypes. Bikers are supposed to be Hell's Angels types, looking for trouble, being brusque and violent and maybe a little bit scary. But they're not. Bikers, at least the ones who belong to BACA, are noble and caring and strong and they want to protect. I got the feeling that many of them were abused. And now, when a child has been identified as a victim of abuse, BACA adopts them, and makes them part of the family and protects them. They will accompany them to school, they will sit outside of the child's home all night if the child is afraid. They will go into the courtroom, if necessary, and be there for moral support and a physical presence of protection.
From discussions with the BACA member I mentioned, it seemed that by creating family for these abused children, they create family for themselves. Once they have community, the rest flows. It is so beautiful.
And there's something about watching a guy you expect to be rough be sweet and protective and - vulnerable. It touches the heart.
We need more elegant solutions like this, where someone sees a need, knows how to help, then does it.
Love and hugs from Clare
Me too…raise the cry
Clare,
I hope that the events of the recent and not so recent past will teach a level of tolerance…
not for molestation or rape…
but to look more closely at the needs of all of the victims.
To see the previous trauma of a molester and help them to process that pain so they're not just labeled bad and ostracized…victims need to be heard…
Me Too…
it's a powerful, uniting message.
Me Too.
I just returned home from a visit to my oldest's university for the next 2 years. It is such a different atmosphere compared with her alma mater, the state university. It is small and quiet. People seemed to be very welcoming and responsive to questions. We drove 6+ hours to spend 2 hours on campus, but it was worth it to get a sense of the place. It was great to spend the entire day with just her. She's grown up, and I love talking with her. She's got great insight and outlook. She is a blessing and a pleasure.
My older son finished the year one course shy of graduating. I've written about this before, but his grades are in and he's passed everything with the exception of the class he dropped. I understand that he is prolonging his adolescence, but if he had only worked a bit harder…
He will finish that course next fall and graduate in December. He did really well in his classes and I'm proud of him for persevering. He missed the first month of school because he was in Arizona. Returned and had to take cyber school classes until his birthday mid-September. Then wen to S#5's house until November. Re joined his class at the high school. Stopped going to class in January and had to basically take a full year of material on virtual/cyber between February and May. I'm glad that is behind us…one more english class and he'll graduate. Then the next choice will be his.
Tired from the drive…not much else in my head.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I hope that the events of the recent and not so recent past will teach a level of tolerance…
not for molestation or rape…
but to look more closely at the needs of all of the victims.
To see the previous trauma of a molester and help them to process that pain so they're not just labeled bad and ostracized…victims need to be heard…
Me Too…
it's a powerful, uniting message.
Me Too.
I just returned home from a visit to my oldest's university for the next 2 years. It is such a different atmosphere compared with her alma mater, the state university. It is small and quiet. People seemed to be very welcoming and responsive to questions. We drove 6+ hours to spend 2 hours on campus, but it was worth it to get a sense of the place. It was great to spend the entire day with just her. She's grown up, and I love talking with her. She's got great insight and outlook. She is a blessing and a pleasure.
My older son finished the year one course shy of graduating. I've written about this before, but his grades are in and he's passed everything with the exception of the class he dropped. I understand that he is prolonging his adolescence, but if he had only worked a bit harder…
He will finish that course next fall and graduate in December. He did really well in his classes and I'm proud of him for persevering. He missed the first month of school because he was in Arizona. Returned and had to take cyber school classes until his birthday mid-September. Then wen to S#5's house until November. Re joined his class at the high school. Stopped going to class in January and had to basically take a full year of material on virtual/cyber between February and May. I'm glad that is behind us…one more english class and he'll graduate. Then the next choice will be his.
Tired from the drive…not much else in my head.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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