A bird...

Claire,
My youngest is having a prolonged temper tantrum…
not sure what else to say.
For too long we have gone easy on him…
lightened the punishments because he is so charming and manipulative.
But for the past two weeks he has had almost daily infractions with substances…
including a party while we were out Friday night.
He's grounded until May…
and he's pissed.
Yesterday morning he cursed me out most of the 20 minutes drive to school.
After school he was sweet and supportive until I clearly answered that his grounding in indeed until May.
He threatened to leave, hurt himself, destroy our pictures, take a different drug every third day just to try them…
and when that was not successful he threw a fireplace popcorn popper, a computer and smashed a ceramic vase onto the floor…
it was so frightening…
but I had to pretend to be stronger than him…
not cave to the pressure.
He ran away…
he left for about an hour and a half…
took camping gear.
I had to trust he would be OK.
He came back with an injured bird he found…
he said it was to save the bird.
Later he said, "Maybe there is a God. That bird needed me to bring it here to save it. Who knows what might have happened out there."
We talked.

It's after school now and we are talking again. He still wants me to change the grounding…
but he is hearing my reasoning about his need to learn self-control…
 and to accept discipline…
and to control his temper…
and not try to intimidate others.
I explained to him that last night's outburst was domestic violence…
he tried to intimidate and control through violence and force…
it felt awful…
I felt controlled…
I felt afraid of how I was reacting…
questioning myself over and over…
how is this my fault…
over and over…
I'm still taking blame…
I should've, could've, would've done everything differently…
but the truth is that I am doing the best that I can…
under the circumstances.

Byt the way, the bird was better this afternoon and flew away…
maybe the divine did use that bird as a sign.
Makes me want to cry.

Love and Light,
Maggie