Clare,
I had a long discussion with a young woman who has been taught, too well, that she is not allowed to enjoy her body…or anyone else's for that matter.
Why wouldn't the whistle be for you?
It's not that you wanted it.
God knows it's not something we deserve.
But acknowledging our beauty and alive-ness is OK.
I did not need a full explanation of your need…but I do understand.
I guess what I don't understand is that your daughter is in a relationship and yet she asks you for assistance. Is her boyfriend unable or unwilling to help? that's a rhetorical question…
I guess what bothers me is that our young are not learning to rely on their significant other when parents are there to assist…
I see it in a lot of ways in my work.
Young people preferring to ask for parental support rather than admit their need…
even though the relationships are very close to married in many aspects.
Not having to admit weakness.
When do we trust each other rather than go to the parents who are safe.
Not having to ask forgoes the potential of being turned down/rejected by the other…
that's where the discussion has gone in the counseling room.
If this is coming across very preachy…
I'm sorry. It's not meant to be.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, April 30, 2015
planting
I just spent an hour and a half in the garden. I cleared a bed and put in some spinach, carrots, radishes and greens. It is a good place to think.
My mind was wandering and I remembered being at the public pool when I was in high school. I heard someone wolf whistle, and being a naturally curious human, I turned to see whom was whistling at who. A guy in the class one year ahead of me saw me turn, looked at me and said, "Not you." I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. My second thought was along the lines of Thank God. I wasn't interested in being near him anyway. We were in the same Spanish class and he was not a nice person.
I don't know why I treasure these thoughts. Why are these the things that come back to me? I don't remember the times people were kind or complimentary.
I remembered being about 15 and becoming a young woman. Dad's brother really made a fuss about how good I looked. Looking back on that now, knowing what we know now, that makes me feel a little creepy. In fact I think I was a little creeped out then. I remember Mom sort of whispering, "Makes you kind of feel like you were ugly before..." or something like that. Way to turn a compliment. Maybe that's why I can't accept compliments...
Anyway...I took off my shirt while I was gardening, hoping to get some Vitamin D going in my body. I looked at myself, and wasn't complimentary.
(Note to those who follow us: I'm financially crashing right now, and asked my sister for help.)
You asked what is going on. I was thinking about that in the garden, too. I think this year's crisis is from my daughter's surgery. She hasn't been able to work. It was over a month before her first disability check came in. When she asks for help, I scrape as much support together for her as I possibly can. It's partly because she has the baby, but it's partly because we never had that. We never had the safety of being able to ask for help and knowing it was possible and we weren't bad for asking. I have always been ashamed. I have always "known" that I am not good enough.
Part of this whole feeling is echoed or perhaps strengthened by our society - and it's the reason I get so angry about money. I think anyone who works should be able to afford a decent lifestyle - not luxurious, not full of extras - but decent. Safe, warm housing; utilities; clean, warm, running water; clothes, food. In this culture it is very difficult to survive without a car, unless one lives in town. So, if we live in a time and place where people must work to have the basics, then we should be paid enough. It's the whole argument about the living wage.
Working and not being able to afford to live leads to increased shame.
But, this is the world I chose to be born into. And so I have increased my hours to the maximum allowed by my company. I am going to scale back all expenditures - see what else I can live without, and I am going to get ahead. I can do this. The hard part is when I am asked for help. I always say yes...
I am all right, financially, as long as nothing unexpected happens. I need to get ahead...
But thank you for helping. I appreciate having someone in my corner...
Love and hugs,
Clare
My mind was wandering and I remembered being at the public pool when I was in high school. I heard someone wolf whistle, and being a naturally curious human, I turned to see whom was whistling at who. A guy in the class one year ahead of me saw me turn, looked at me and said, "Not you." I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. My second thought was along the lines of Thank God. I wasn't interested in being near him anyway. We were in the same Spanish class and he was not a nice person.
I don't know why I treasure these thoughts. Why are these the things that come back to me? I don't remember the times people were kind or complimentary.
I remembered being about 15 and becoming a young woman. Dad's brother really made a fuss about how good I looked. Looking back on that now, knowing what we know now, that makes me feel a little creepy. In fact I think I was a little creeped out then. I remember Mom sort of whispering, "Makes you kind of feel like you were ugly before..." or something like that. Way to turn a compliment. Maybe that's why I can't accept compliments...
Anyway...I took off my shirt while I was gardening, hoping to get some Vitamin D going in my body. I looked at myself, and wasn't complimentary.
(Note to those who follow us: I'm financially crashing right now, and asked my sister for help.)
You asked what is going on. I was thinking about that in the garden, too. I think this year's crisis is from my daughter's surgery. She hasn't been able to work. It was over a month before her first disability check came in. When she asks for help, I scrape as much support together for her as I possibly can. It's partly because she has the baby, but it's partly because we never had that. We never had the safety of being able to ask for help and knowing it was possible and we weren't bad for asking. I have always been ashamed. I have always "known" that I am not good enough.
Part of this whole feeling is echoed or perhaps strengthened by our society - and it's the reason I get so angry about money. I think anyone who works should be able to afford a decent lifestyle - not luxurious, not full of extras - but decent. Safe, warm housing; utilities; clean, warm, running water; clothes, food. In this culture it is very difficult to survive without a car, unless one lives in town. So, if we live in a time and place where people must work to have the basics, then we should be paid enough. It's the whole argument about the living wage.
Working and not being able to afford to live leads to increased shame.
But, this is the world I chose to be born into. And so I have increased my hours to the maximum allowed by my company. I am going to scale back all expenditures - see what else I can live without, and I am going to get ahead. I can do this. The hard part is when I am asked for help. I always say yes...
I am all right, financially, as long as nothing unexpected happens. I need to get ahead...
But thank you for helping. I appreciate having someone in my corner...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
the hallway
Hey Maggie,
I have read that our bodies are actually conglomerates of bacteria. Perhaps that intelligence is deep within us. That gives me hope.
You have a lot of celebrating ahead. Two graduations, one prom. Don't forget to bask in the joy!
I know you are tired of the subject - but in reality, we don't have to prove we have never abused a child. We just have to prove we have never been caught. That is what frightens me most. People who abuse or molest are often sly and intelligent and experts at covering tracks. They learned from the adults who hurt and threatened them. I just don't trust the approach we are taking. That said, the best thing you can do is listen to those who are in pain because of what the institution is forcing us to do in the name of protecting children.
As I mentioned, we had a workshop where the adults present were forced to sign a paper promising not to abuse any of the kids. It came out in a discussion, the kids, all teens, were present.The pain in the room was almost unbearable. I remember listening with tears running down my cheeks. All of the adults, but one, had been abused when young. And the warrior in them led them to work with and protect kids. After the tears and the words and the sharing, though, the pain was less. And we knew we had to find another way, an authentic way, to protect our youth.
This is very hard work. I honor you for doing it.
So, are you really all right? What did you say to the older woman?
Whenever I begin to hit depression, I begin to get the feeling of being in a long, dim hallway. I am feeling that now. It seems like life goes forward forever with no light, no options, nothing new or different - I'm just tiredly trudging forward. And I'm exhausted. And I have no energy. I was feeling that this afternoon, when my daughter dropped off the babe. I finally took her outside to help me move flowers. I am changing the garden out front - taming the daylilies and adding some other colors. I always forget how much I need to go outside...
Maybe the hardest part of sliding into depression is that we don't know how to take care of ourselves.
S#3 will be here with her brood this weekend. No time for getting trapped in my hallway...
Love and hugs,
Clare
I have read that our bodies are actually conglomerates of bacteria. Perhaps that intelligence is deep within us. That gives me hope.
You have a lot of celebrating ahead. Two graduations, one prom. Don't forget to bask in the joy!
I know you are tired of the subject - but in reality, we don't have to prove we have never abused a child. We just have to prove we have never been caught. That is what frightens me most. People who abuse or molest are often sly and intelligent and experts at covering tracks. They learned from the adults who hurt and threatened them. I just don't trust the approach we are taking. That said, the best thing you can do is listen to those who are in pain because of what the institution is forcing us to do in the name of protecting children.
As I mentioned, we had a workshop where the adults present were forced to sign a paper promising not to abuse any of the kids. It came out in a discussion, the kids, all teens, were present.The pain in the room was almost unbearable. I remember listening with tears running down my cheeks. All of the adults, but one, had been abused when young. And the warrior in them led them to work with and protect kids. After the tears and the words and the sharing, though, the pain was less. And we knew we had to find another way, an authentic way, to protect our youth.
This is very hard work. I honor you for doing it.
So, are you really all right? What did you say to the older woman?
Whenever I begin to hit depression, I begin to get the feeling of being in a long, dim hallway. I am feeling that now. It seems like life goes forward forever with no light, no options, nothing new or different - I'm just tiredly trudging forward. And I'm exhausted. And I have no energy. I was feeling that this afternoon, when my daughter dropped off the babe. I finally took her outside to help me move flowers. I am changing the garden out front - taming the daylilies and adding some other colors. I always forget how much I need to go outside...
Maybe the hardest part of sliding into depression is that we don't know how to take care of ourselves.
S#3 will be here with her brood this weekend. No time for getting trapped in my hallway...
Love and hugs,
Clare
pushing through
I like the bacteria insight…
there are bacteria who are genetically resistant…
therefore mutants technically…
who survive the virus or antibiotic attack and live to procreate other bacteria.
I see this happening in our species too.
Eventually our environment will become inhospitable and require some mutation to survive.
There is so much un-used information contained within our genome that cal be called upon in a changing environment. That is where the survivors will rise from…
those with the necessary genetic mutations/alterations that will allow survival in changing environments.
I, too, hate the fact that I have to prove that I have never molested children before I can work with them.
But, I feel it is a necessary step…
raise awareness of the epidemic of abuse…
shine the light on the signs and suspicious activities…
speak up when those are present…
support those in need.
Just because you report abuse doesn't mean that child protective services are going to find anything yo substantiate it…but that's their job…to do the investigation.
I need to let go of this topic…it's draining me.
I saw some friends from my masters program today. It was great to talk with them. One, my hero, is an 80+ year old woman who teaches and heads the program. She gave me the best hug today. She also looked me directly in the eye and asked if I am really all right. It's great to know she cares. I asked her to consider me for a teaching position in the fall. I miss teaching. She seemed genuinely pleased hear that I was interested.
My youngest is going to the prom next weekend (5/8) with a girl from his school. I took him to oder his tux yesterday. He looked so nice…very grown up. He is behaving pretty well because he really wants to go…at least I have one thing to hold over his head for a week and a half.
I am still feeling exhausted. I need sleep. I need a healthy exercise schedule.
I need a lot of stuff.
And yet I keep pushing through.
Next weekend (5/9) both of my daughters are graduating from college. Husband is going to Happy Valley while I go to Berks…it should be an interesting day. I'm so glad that they are both going to be moving on. They're both so excited. The older one is getting teary eyed with each "last" that she experiences. I get texts several times a day about another emotional moment.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
there are bacteria who are genetically resistant…
therefore mutants technically…
who survive the virus or antibiotic attack and live to procreate other bacteria.
I see this happening in our species too.
Eventually our environment will become inhospitable and require some mutation to survive.
There is so much un-used information contained within our genome that cal be called upon in a changing environment. That is where the survivors will rise from…
those with the necessary genetic mutations/alterations that will allow survival in changing environments.
I, too, hate the fact that I have to prove that I have never molested children before I can work with them.
But, I feel it is a necessary step…
raise awareness of the epidemic of abuse…
shine the light on the signs and suspicious activities…
speak up when those are present…
support those in need.
Just because you report abuse doesn't mean that child protective services are going to find anything yo substantiate it…but that's their job…to do the investigation.
I need to let go of this topic…it's draining me.
I saw some friends from my masters program today. It was great to talk with them. One, my hero, is an 80+ year old woman who teaches and heads the program. She gave me the best hug today. She also looked me directly in the eye and asked if I am really all right. It's great to know she cares. I asked her to consider me for a teaching position in the fall. I miss teaching. She seemed genuinely pleased hear that I was interested.
My youngest is going to the prom next weekend (5/8) with a girl from his school. I took him to oder his tux yesterday. He looked so nice…very grown up. He is behaving pretty well because he really wants to go…at least I have one thing to hold over his head for a week and a half.
I am still feeling exhausted. I need sleep. I need a healthy exercise schedule.
I need a lot of stuff.
And yet I keep pushing through.
Next weekend (5/9) both of my daughters are graduating from college. Husband is going to Happy Valley while I go to Berks…it should be an interesting day. I'm so glad that they are both going to be moving on. They're both so excited. The older one is getting teary eyed with each "last" that she experiences. I get texts several times a day about another emotional moment.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, April 27, 2015
bacteria
Hi Maggie,
I can't imagine everything that you have been though in this past year. I try, but I know it is no where near what you have had to live though. I am not surprised that there is still trauma and betrayal in your field. Maye this is part of the continuing lesson that cancer is teaching you. I expect that you will be making peace with this for a long, long time. Reconnecting with your body is an essential step...unless you prefer to live in your head for the rest of your life.
It is interesting to me that you feel like you feed and clothe and carry your body. I have mostly felt that my body does this for me. I wonder if we have separate "me's"??
In shamanism, many times the novice faces death, then has to retrieve parts of self and put self back together. Maybe that is the spaghetti. You are a puzzle and you need to be reassembled...
Hmmmm..I look at me ex, I face him when we speak, but somehow I don't "see" him. When I talk to my children, I notice details about their faces. I get an impression of how they are. But with me ex, I stopped doing that. I think it is to protect myself...and maybe him. There are still some angry spots in me, although mostly I am at peace with our mutual lesson.
We went through some very difficult time when trying to find a way to deal with protecting children from child abuse in Friend's Meeting. We had one attempt where volunteers were asked to sign a paper agreeing not to abuse children. That was very painful, especially for those of us who had been volunteering for years. We created a setting where one adult was not allowed to be alone with one young person. It created an artificial situation and turned the adults into police. One of our teens was having a hard time. Instead of one adult going to talk and listen, two had to go. We were then policing her and forcing her to rejoin the group.
I came up with a way to have meetings write letters of support for anyone who felt led to work with kids. The meetings had to share their history with the Friend and to vouch for them. I felt this involved the larger community. Not only was the youth community deciding who to trust, meetings were involved. I still think this is a great idea, but I'm not sure if it is legal. And youth work is at a minimum right now.
I can understand the pain and embarrassment. Volunteers are basically being accused of being abusers unless they can prove otherwise. It is painful. It goes with all the loss of privacy happening to us. We protest, and the answer is - if we are not doing anything wrong, we don't have anything to worry about. But I am very worried about a system that assumes I am a liar. And that is how this system currently works.
You said recently, we need to be like a cancer, to be immediately adaptable. I was troubled with that, because cancer works on the premise of unending resources. It kills its environment by taking everything. That is our current culture, and it is not sustainable. Last night I was reading the words of Stephen Harrod Buhner - a favorite herbalist. A friend gave me a copy of an interview published in The Sun in December 2014. He says that bacteria are highly cooperative. Once exposed to a new antibiotic, they begin generating solutions.They intentionally rearrange their genome, then communicate it to other bacteria. They can share genome strands when they touch....think of the communication, the intelligence.
I am in awe...
Hope you are having a better day. remember that I love you!!
Clare
I can't imagine everything that you have been though in this past year. I try, but I know it is no where near what you have had to live though. I am not surprised that there is still trauma and betrayal in your field. Maye this is part of the continuing lesson that cancer is teaching you. I expect that you will be making peace with this for a long, long time. Reconnecting with your body is an essential step...unless you prefer to live in your head for the rest of your life.
It is interesting to me that you feel like you feed and clothe and carry your body. I have mostly felt that my body does this for me. I wonder if we have separate "me's"??
In shamanism, many times the novice faces death, then has to retrieve parts of self and put self back together. Maybe that is the spaghetti. You are a puzzle and you need to be reassembled...
Hmmmm..I look at me ex, I face him when we speak, but somehow I don't "see" him. When I talk to my children, I notice details about their faces. I get an impression of how they are. But with me ex, I stopped doing that. I think it is to protect myself...and maybe him. There are still some angry spots in me, although mostly I am at peace with our mutual lesson.
We went through some very difficult time when trying to find a way to deal with protecting children from child abuse in Friend's Meeting. We had one attempt where volunteers were asked to sign a paper agreeing not to abuse children. That was very painful, especially for those of us who had been volunteering for years. We created a setting where one adult was not allowed to be alone with one young person. It created an artificial situation and turned the adults into police. One of our teens was having a hard time. Instead of one adult going to talk and listen, two had to go. We were then policing her and forcing her to rejoin the group.
I came up with a way to have meetings write letters of support for anyone who felt led to work with kids. The meetings had to share their history with the Friend and to vouch for them. I felt this involved the larger community. Not only was the youth community deciding who to trust, meetings were involved. I still think this is a great idea, but I'm not sure if it is legal. And youth work is at a minimum right now.
I can understand the pain and embarrassment. Volunteers are basically being accused of being abusers unless they can prove otherwise. It is painful. It goes with all the loss of privacy happening to us. We protest, and the answer is - if we are not doing anything wrong, we don't have anything to worry about. But I am very worried about a system that assumes I am a liar. And that is how this system currently works.
You said recently, we need to be like a cancer, to be immediately adaptable. I was troubled with that, because cancer works on the premise of unending resources. It kills its environment by taking everything. That is our current culture, and it is not sustainable. Last night I was reading the words of Stephen Harrod Buhner - a favorite herbalist. A friend gave me a copy of an interview published in The Sun in December 2014. He says that bacteria are highly cooperative. Once exposed to a new antibiotic, they begin generating solutions.They intentionally rearrange their genome, then communicate it to other bacteria. They can share genome strands when they touch....think of the communication, the intelligence.
I am in awe...
Hope you are having a better day. remember that I love you!!
Clare
interesting
Clare,
I had an interesting weekend…
not particularly pleasant, but interesting.
My youngest had friends over Friday evening…
which was nice to meet some of the kids from his new school.
They seem to be well-mannered and polite.
Some we knew in pre-school days at the parochial pre-school.
Then I took another yoga class on Saturday. It was great. I've realized how disconnected I am from my body.
I don't want to acknowledge it…
care for it…
have anyone else notice or touch it.
I think my spaghetti disconnect is a reaction to the cancer…
perhaps I carry a sense of betrayal by my body…
"I feed clothe and shelter you and I get cancer from you?"
I think that the ultimate betrayal is my disconnect. I am the one who is controlling this. I am the one who is living inside my head again. I need to reconnect. I need to find joy and life in my body again.
After yoga I picked up my youngest's girlfriend…the Ukrainian boarding student. She is very sweet. We had a nice conversation on the way back home. My son has been trying to gain the courage to break off this relationship…which he finally did this weekend…but she is clinging…this is going to take some time. I think we've become a surrogate family for her, with hers so far away. I plan to call he or text to make sure she is all right. I told my son that I will miss her. He is sure of his decision…and he broke it off respectfully…so he moves on.
I gave the presentation to my Meeting on the new child abuse laws in my state. I had the strangest reaction. A small, but vocal minority, feel this is an invasion of their privacy. I repeatedly pointed out that this is for the protection of children and ultimately improving society…
they are so offended that they have to have background checks every 3 years to volunteer with children.
They tell me that Quakers aren't abusers…
not like those catholics (they actually said that).
I feel like doing an anonymous study of Quakers to see the rates of child abuse and neglect in the membership. I was so sickened by their response.
No one wants their life investigated…
but this is an internet search for convictions of abuse…
not going to all of your neighbors asking about your personal habits.
I'm still pissed off by this reaction…
which means that I need to look at my reaction and identify the triggers…
so that I can move on.
So, I'm curious, why don't you look at your ex? I'm not sure that I understand that.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I had an interesting weekend…
not particularly pleasant, but interesting.
My youngest had friends over Friday evening…
which was nice to meet some of the kids from his new school.
They seem to be well-mannered and polite.
Some we knew in pre-school days at the parochial pre-school.
Then I took another yoga class on Saturday. It was great. I've realized how disconnected I am from my body.
I don't want to acknowledge it…
care for it…
have anyone else notice or touch it.
I think my spaghetti disconnect is a reaction to the cancer…
perhaps I carry a sense of betrayal by my body…
"I feed clothe and shelter you and I get cancer from you?"
I think that the ultimate betrayal is my disconnect. I am the one who is controlling this. I am the one who is living inside my head again. I need to reconnect. I need to find joy and life in my body again.
After yoga I picked up my youngest's girlfriend…the Ukrainian boarding student. She is very sweet. We had a nice conversation on the way back home. My son has been trying to gain the courage to break off this relationship…which he finally did this weekend…but she is clinging…this is going to take some time. I think we've become a surrogate family for her, with hers so far away. I plan to call he or text to make sure she is all right. I told my son that I will miss her. He is sure of his decision…and he broke it off respectfully…so he moves on.
I gave the presentation to my Meeting on the new child abuse laws in my state. I had the strangest reaction. A small, but vocal minority, feel this is an invasion of their privacy. I repeatedly pointed out that this is for the protection of children and ultimately improving society…
they are so offended that they have to have background checks every 3 years to volunteer with children.
They tell me that Quakers aren't abusers…
not like those catholics (they actually said that).
I feel like doing an anonymous study of Quakers to see the rates of child abuse and neglect in the membership. I was so sickened by their response.
No one wants their life investigated…
but this is an internet search for convictions of abuse…
not going to all of your neighbors asking about your personal habits.
I'm still pissed off by this reaction…
which means that I need to look at my reaction and identify the triggers…
so that I can move on.
So, I'm curious, why don't you look at your ex? I'm not sure that I understand that.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, April 26, 2015
another aspect
I had forgotten about the shared birthday. We have a few...logical when there is an immense family. And we seem to have a lot of Taureans...
We had a birthday dinner for our littlest today. It was chaotic fun. A close friend was here. She stayed for a few hours after everyone else left. She made a comment about how my ex looks now, and I realized I never really looked at him. I spoke to him. We were typically friendly, but I didn't see him. I guess that's how I protect myself. I'll have to think about this aspect of self.
I liked your analysis of your son's last year. It seems so appropriate for birthdays. The parable of the Prodigal Son shone through your writing. I know we noticed this before, but it jumped out in your description of your youngest's year.
I know I always try to look at the past year and think about where I want to go...
A few years ago, grad school seemed to be calling. But then I looked at student loans and realized I would screw myself financially, possibly for the rest of my life. I was especially sure when I read about the way professors are treated by universities. It's coming up for me again, this annual analysis/dream period. And I am drawn to studying...but if way does not open, then it does not open...
My oldest son asked me to come and help with kids again this summer. I see my pattern - Come because we need you - I'll be there. Come for fun - I waver, try to decide if I can...do I have the resources, temporally or financially? And I usually don't so it. Another aspect of self to look at.
I am alone. It is so nice and quiet in my house...ahhhhhhh.
I hope you have a joyous evening...
Love and hugs,
Clare
We had a birthday dinner for our littlest today. It was chaotic fun. A close friend was here. She stayed for a few hours after everyone else left. She made a comment about how my ex looks now, and I realized I never really looked at him. I spoke to him. We were typically friendly, but I didn't see him. I guess that's how I protect myself. I'll have to think about this aspect of self.
I liked your analysis of your son's last year. It seems so appropriate for birthdays. The parable of the Prodigal Son shone through your writing. I know we noticed this before, but it jumped out in your description of your youngest's year.
I know I always try to look at the past year and think about where I want to go...
A few years ago, grad school seemed to be calling. But then I looked at student loans and realized I would screw myself financially, possibly for the rest of my life. I was especially sure when I read about the way professors are treated by universities. It's coming up for me again, this annual analysis/dream period. And I am drawn to studying...but if way does not open, then it does not open...
My oldest son asked me to come and help with kids again this summer. I see my pattern - Come because we need you - I'll be there. Come for fun - I waver, try to decide if I can...do I have the resources, temporally or financially? And I usually don't so it. Another aspect of self to look at.
I am alone. It is so nice and quiet in my house...ahhhhhhh.
I hope you have a joyous evening...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Saturday, April 25, 2015
I wonder
Clare,
Today is also my youngest's birthday- 16 today.
He is struggling with independence and dependence…
trying to find his way to a trusted interdependence.
It's been a rough and rocky year.
I was explaining the past year to his girlfriend as I drove her to our house this afternoon.
He tried so hard to support me when his brother was going "off the deep end"…
and then he lost control when we accepted his brother back after his desert walk…
to the point that he needed his own desert walk.
Now he's struggling to get off the substances that he swore weren't addictive.
He's had 2 good weeks at this point.
He had some friends over last night.
It was fun.
Today he did 5 hours of service work and he's very calm.
We all had a tough time growing up…
so much of our personal pain is unknown to anyone else.
I knew that nuns were mean…
but didn't realize that they humiliated B#1 for accidents…
I guess the sisters were unloading on the vulnerable first and second graders.
I work with a nun now. She's great. We talk about the challenges of religious life…and how many of the nuns are miserable people…many had no choice…pushed into religious life by well-meaning, fear-driven parents.
Are there any normal people on earth?
I wonder about this.
Are there untouched, indigenous people who are normal?
I wonder what that would look like.
Tomorrow is my talk on the topic of child abuse…
I will be glad when it's over.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Today is also my youngest's birthday- 16 today.
He is struggling with independence and dependence…
trying to find his way to a trusted interdependence.
It's been a rough and rocky year.
I was explaining the past year to his girlfriend as I drove her to our house this afternoon.
He tried so hard to support me when his brother was going "off the deep end"…
and then he lost control when we accepted his brother back after his desert walk…
to the point that he needed his own desert walk.
Now he's struggling to get off the substances that he swore weren't addictive.
He's had 2 good weeks at this point.
He had some friends over last night.
It was fun.
Today he did 5 hours of service work and he's very calm.
We all had a tough time growing up…
so much of our personal pain is unknown to anyone else.
I knew that nuns were mean…
but didn't realize that they humiliated B#1 for accidents…
I guess the sisters were unloading on the vulnerable first and second graders.
I work with a nun now. She's great. We talk about the challenges of religious life…and how many of the nuns are miserable people…many had no choice…pushed into religious life by well-meaning, fear-driven parents.
Are there any normal people on earth?
I wonder about this.
Are there untouched, indigenous people who are normal?
I wonder what that would look like.
Tomorrow is my talk on the topic of child abuse…
I will be glad when it's over.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
rambling
Hey Little Sister,
Missing you. Hoping all is well in your home.
Today is B#1's birthday. We are Irish twins, according to my daughter-in-law. For a short time, every year, we are the same age. When we were young we would tell people we were twins during this time. I was thinking about him this morning, holding him in the Light, looking at some recent pictures.
He seems a little lost. Like he doesn't quite belong. It reminds me of when we were young and were the new kids every year. We didn't belong. I remembered that he wet his pants in first grade, sometimes. We were in a small school, and first and second grades were in the same room. We each had our own side. Sister used to humiliate him - make him stand up, because he was bad. I remember feeling bad for him, but being afraid to speak up or to comfort him.
Those kinds of hero moves are knocked out of us young. We are trained to allow the bully to rage through, damaging anyone who attracts their wrath.
My granddaughter does not want her Mom to pick her up at school any more. I was thinking about the rejection we feel we are forced to do in the name of being accepted...or maybe, in the name of not being noticed by the bully.
With B#1, who rejected me...he was embarrassed to have such a weird sister...I see him as being so wounded, just wanting to belong. But because we are so separate, I have no idea what he's like now.
I think he does have his moments of perfection and belonging with music though...
Rambling thoughts while I wait for grandchildren to arrive...then we start cooking for tomorrow's celebration. The baby will be 2 years old this week!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Missing you. Hoping all is well in your home.
Today is B#1's birthday. We are Irish twins, according to my daughter-in-law. For a short time, every year, we are the same age. When we were young we would tell people we were twins during this time. I was thinking about him this morning, holding him in the Light, looking at some recent pictures.
He seems a little lost. Like he doesn't quite belong. It reminds me of when we were young and were the new kids every year. We didn't belong. I remembered that he wet his pants in first grade, sometimes. We were in a small school, and first and second grades were in the same room. We each had our own side. Sister used to humiliate him - make him stand up, because he was bad. I remember feeling bad for him, but being afraid to speak up or to comfort him.
Those kinds of hero moves are knocked out of us young. We are trained to allow the bully to rage through, damaging anyone who attracts their wrath.
My granddaughter does not want her Mom to pick her up at school any more. I was thinking about the rejection we feel we are forced to do in the name of being accepted...or maybe, in the name of not being noticed by the bully.
With B#1, who rejected me...he was embarrassed to have such a weird sister...I see him as being so wounded, just wanting to belong. But because we are so separate, I have no idea what he's like now.
I think he does have his moments of perfection and belonging with music though...
Rambling thoughts while I wait for grandchildren to arrive...then we start cooking for tomorrow's celebration. The baby will be 2 years old this week!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Thursday, April 23, 2015
kid weekend
Oh God, I understand old. I understand tired. There must be something about this week...I feel like a lump, like I can't stand up straight.
I know it will pass. It always does.
You, I think, need more rest. I am not sure how you are going to swing that, though. Maybe you need to just sit for awhile, instead of trying so hard to get things done. Be tender with yourself. Maybe there's something to be learned in sitting still...Maybe it's not the waste of time you imagine.
I am going to have a kid weekend. I will have two of them tomorrow afternoon. Probably three of them overnight the next night. Then they will go to First Day School and we'll all come back here for the little one's second birthday dinner. Yesterday was another birthday - our little western girl is now three years old.
I had a committee meeting here earlier this week. We had centering worship to begin. In the past, I would center down into the silence by sinking into myself. It was effective. I found a deep place within, and sometimes even found the Light. But ever since I have been reworking my existence - my body is in my soul. My body is a tool or an instrument used by the soul to function here...Ever since, things have been different. When I went into the silence this week, my soul quieted and then peeled my body open. It was so strange, but so cool.
I feel bigger.
When I took the baby for a walk, pushed her stroller down an old road in the woods, I felt my soul interacting with the trees and the ground.
I like this.
I read a weird article from a social media site - one never knows what one will find!! It said there is a woman who can read the Akashic records. She said the planet used to be Light, but it fell into this slower density and has been struggling to get out of it. I never thought about the Earth's sentience in relation to current problems. I always assumed it was our species' fall.
Something new to gnaw on at night,
Hope you are feeling more rested and hopeful today. I love you and miss you a lot!
Clare
I know it will pass. It always does.
You, I think, need more rest. I am not sure how you are going to swing that, though. Maybe you need to just sit for awhile, instead of trying so hard to get things done. Be tender with yourself. Maybe there's something to be learned in sitting still...Maybe it's not the waste of time you imagine.
I am going to have a kid weekend. I will have two of them tomorrow afternoon. Probably three of them overnight the next night. Then they will go to First Day School and we'll all come back here for the little one's second birthday dinner. Yesterday was another birthday - our little western girl is now three years old.
I had a committee meeting here earlier this week. We had centering worship to begin. In the past, I would center down into the silence by sinking into myself. It was effective. I found a deep place within, and sometimes even found the Light. But ever since I have been reworking my existence - my body is in my soul. My body is a tool or an instrument used by the soul to function here...Ever since, things have been different. When I went into the silence this week, my soul quieted and then peeled my body open. It was so strange, but so cool.
I feel bigger.
When I took the baby for a walk, pushed her stroller down an old road in the woods, I felt my soul interacting with the trees and the ground.
I like this.
I read a weird article from a social media site - one never knows what one will find!! It said there is a woman who can read the Akashic records. She said the planet used to be Light, but it fell into this slower density and has been struggling to get out of it. I never thought about the Earth's sentience in relation to current problems. I always assumed it was our species' fall.
Something new to gnaw on at night,
Hope you are feeling more rested and hopeful today. I love you and miss you a lot!
Clare
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
I feel old
I put together the powerpoint for me child abuse talk…
it's very factual…
I'll have to make it more authentic before Sunday.
At least the bare bones are complete.
I am alone this evening…
husband and youngest are at a movie showing that was produced by a local Buddhist Temple…
I think husband is journeying towards Buddhism…
it's kind of interesting to watch him trying to distance himself from his protestant church…
he's called that home for the past 6 - 7 years…
but it no longer serves him well…
he speaks of discontent each week when he returns.
He's going to another temple retreat in 2 weeks…
it's the same day as our Quarterly Spring Retreat so I'm not going with him.
I will be interested to see what he does over the summer.
My older son is out with friends…as usual.
He's very social.
He is waiting for a second interview at a local pet shop.
That would be a good, low-stress job for him.
He needs to take small steps forward.
I feel old. I am tired. I am achey. I am drained of energy.
I need to get out, walk, garden, sing, Play with my dogs and horses…
and yet I sit…
for lack of energy.
This is a problem.
I've got to create or find a solution.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
it's very factual…
I'll have to make it more authentic before Sunday.
At least the bare bones are complete.
I am alone this evening…
husband and youngest are at a movie showing that was produced by a local Buddhist Temple…
I think husband is journeying towards Buddhism…
it's kind of interesting to watch him trying to distance himself from his protestant church…
he's called that home for the past 6 - 7 years…
but it no longer serves him well…
he speaks of discontent each week when he returns.
He's going to another temple retreat in 2 weeks…
it's the same day as our Quarterly Spring Retreat so I'm not going with him.
I will be interested to see what he does over the summer.
My older son is out with friends…as usual.
He's very social.
He is waiting for a second interview at a local pet shop.
That would be a good, low-stress job for him.
He needs to take small steps forward.
I feel old. I am tired. I am achey. I am drained of energy.
I need to get out, walk, garden, sing, Play with my dogs and horses…
and yet I sit…
for lack of energy.
This is a problem.
I've got to create or find a solution.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
oh my soul
I understand tired, my sister. And I wish you had an easier time. You still have not really had a chance to recover from everything that happened to you last year. You need some down time...real down time.
If you are like spaghetti, maybe you can comb out the crap - those little bits of debris from the past that irritate.
You know, I remember being a teenager. Everything was so dramatic. The highs were so high. The lows were so absolutely low. I didn't know it would balance. I didn't know the extremes would not be quite so...extreme. Now I know it's so much easier to keep my balance when my emotions are not so frenetic.
I think it's wonderful that your beach house is turning into a sisters' retreat house. Multi-generationally!!
The laws concerning child care are intrusive. And they create artificial circumstances and artificial interactions between the generations. A lot of it is not authentic, nor very effective. We have to do something, but letting fear direct us is crazy...
And obedience usually strikes me as wrong...
Talking to my oldest son about going out to visit and watch the kids again this summer. I do miss them...
I've been reading Natural Grace, and am entranced by the idea that my body is in my soul - my body is a tool or an instrument. It makes me so much bigger in a way. I like the way it feels. And I'm still trying to find my mother-self. Once I find me, I have to figure out how to empower myself, to be a powerful feminine being.
Meeting tonight, then I jump into organizing part of the kid's program for the spring gathering.
I think it's the weather, maybe the lack of Vitamin D or maybe unstimulated glands in the brain, but getting enthused about anything is a tad difficult these days...
But we keep chugging ahead, knowing it will be okay...It will get better.
Love and hugs,
Clare
If you are like spaghetti, maybe you can comb out the crap - those little bits of debris from the past that irritate.
You know, I remember being a teenager. Everything was so dramatic. The highs were so high. The lows were so absolutely low. I didn't know it would balance. I didn't know the extremes would not be quite so...extreme. Now I know it's so much easier to keep my balance when my emotions are not so frenetic.
I think it's wonderful that your beach house is turning into a sisters' retreat house. Multi-generationally!!
The laws concerning child care are intrusive. And they create artificial circumstances and artificial interactions between the generations. A lot of it is not authentic, nor very effective. We have to do something, but letting fear direct us is crazy...
And obedience usually strikes me as wrong...
Talking to my oldest son about going out to visit and watch the kids again this summer. I do miss them...
I've been reading Natural Grace, and am entranced by the idea that my body is in my soul - my body is a tool or an instrument. It makes me so much bigger in a way. I like the way it feels. And I'm still trying to find my mother-self. Once I find me, I have to figure out how to empower myself, to be a powerful feminine being.
Meeting tonight, then I jump into organizing part of the kid's program for the spring gathering.
I think it's the weather, maybe the lack of Vitamin D or maybe unstimulated glands in the brain, but getting enthused about anything is a tad difficult these days...
But we keep chugging ahead, knowing it will be okay...It will get better.
Love and hugs,
Clare
contentment
Clare,
I am tired of everything…
I'm just tired, I guess.
I didn't sleep well…
I had caffeine to combat a headache and then it stormed…
very loudly…
last night.
I even checked my phone to see if we were in a tornado watch…
hail, high winds, pounding rain…
and a cat between my legs.
I was restless to say the least.
My reiki healer told me I am like spaghetti right now…
everything is tangled up.
She put me back together…
again.
My youngest saw her after I did…
he was/is much calmer after their session.
We talked about a lot of things on the way home.
He is so confused and conflicted right now.
He described a lot of self-hatred for upsetting his dad and I.
We talked a lot about what happiness is…
and what it isn't.
His expectation of happiness is the highest peaks…
all the time.
I tried to show him that happiness is the middle space, between the peaks and valleys of emotions…
more like contentment.
He tried to understand…
but I don't think he's ready to give up that constant pursuit of excitement.
Perhaps he heard some of my message.
My girls have asked to use the NC house the week after graduation…
just the 2 of them.
It's funny, I didn't expect this. They've never enjoyed spending time together. This is a pleasant twist of events. I am interested to see what they do together.
I have a meeting tonight too. I wish I could stay home, but I missed the past 2 meetings, so I've got to go. I have to keep my head down and not volunteer for anything.
I'm giving a talk after meeting on Sunday about the new child abuse recognition and reporting rules in our state. I really wish that I didn't have to do this…I understand people are upset because they will have to get clearances to teach first day school…and they feel it's intrusive. I started to work on organizing it today…it's a lot, but I'll cut it way down to bare bones and get it together.
At least I'll be speaking out against violence towards our children…that's important.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am tired of everything…
I'm just tired, I guess.
I didn't sleep well…
I had caffeine to combat a headache and then it stormed…
very loudly…
last night.
I even checked my phone to see if we were in a tornado watch…
hail, high winds, pounding rain…
and a cat between my legs.
I was restless to say the least.
My reiki healer told me I am like spaghetti right now…
everything is tangled up.
She put me back together…
again.
My youngest saw her after I did…
he was/is much calmer after their session.
We talked about a lot of things on the way home.
He is so confused and conflicted right now.
He described a lot of self-hatred for upsetting his dad and I.
We talked a lot about what happiness is…
and what it isn't.
His expectation of happiness is the highest peaks…
all the time.
I tried to show him that happiness is the middle space, between the peaks and valleys of emotions…
more like contentment.
He tried to understand…
but I don't think he's ready to give up that constant pursuit of excitement.
Perhaps he heard some of my message.
My girls have asked to use the NC house the week after graduation…
just the 2 of them.
It's funny, I didn't expect this. They've never enjoyed spending time together. This is a pleasant twist of events. I am interested to see what they do together.
I have a meeting tonight too. I wish I could stay home, but I missed the past 2 meetings, so I've got to go. I have to keep my head down and not volunteer for anything.
I'm giving a talk after meeting on Sunday about the new child abuse recognition and reporting rules in our state. I really wish that I didn't have to do this…I understand people are upset because they will have to get clearances to teach first day school…and they feel it's intrusive. I started to work on organizing it today…it's a lot, but I'll cut it way down to bare bones and get it together.
At least I'll be speaking out against violence towards our children…that's important.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, April 20, 2015
not militant
Hi Maggie,
I love public service and volunteering. Not only is it a fabulous way to meet people who care, it also reminds you. Some of the work we did reminded us that we had something important to do. Other work reminded us that even though life wasn't perfect, it was still good. We had each other. We had a place to call home. We had food.
I am not interested in militant veganism. I am interested in lessening the amount of pain I cause by being here. I am interested in restoring balance to the planet if I can. I don't really have any objections to eating wild meat. But I do object to CAFOs, especially now that I realize I live in one.
I always look forward to hearing what your healer says...
I worked today, then waited for someone to come replace my router. My youngest called and asked if I could take the baby. Just after she left, my eldest came over to work on math. We took a prep test and missed almost all of them, because there were no parenthesis around the number pairs - the number pairs were correct though. I felt a bit like yelling. We were both tired and frustrated. She left, and I have been reading meeting reports ever since, preparing for a committee meeting tomorrow night.
So I am exhausted.
Off to bed so I can do it all again tomorrow!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
I love public service and volunteering. Not only is it a fabulous way to meet people who care, it also reminds you. Some of the work we did reminded us that we had something important to do. Other work reminded us that even though life wasn't perfect, it was still good. We had each other. We had a place to call home. We had food.
I am not interested in militant veganism. I am interested in lessening the amount of pain I cause by being here. I am interested in restoring balance to the planet if I can. I don't really have any objections to eating wild meat. But I do object to CAFOs, especially now that I realize I live in one.
I always look forward to hearing what your healer says...
I worked today, then waited for someone to come replace my router. My youngest called and asked if I could take the baby. Just after she left, my eldest came over to work on math. We took a prep test and missed almost all of them, because there were no parenthesis around the number pairs - the number pairs were correct though. I felt a bit like yelling. We were both tired and frustrated. She left, and I have been reading meeting reports ever since, preparing for a committee meeting tomorrow night.
So I am exhausted.
Off to bed so I can do it all again tomorrow!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
the best I can
Clare,
I have read books on food production…
It motivated me to embrace vegetarianism.
But, I am not free of the system by any means.
I try to buy organic, free range for my family…
and it's not always available.
I've learned to purchase smaller amounts of meat at a greater price. Luckily most of my family has lost its taste for flesh…
except for the boys…
still stuck on bacon cheeseburgers…
gross.
I know that veganism is not a true option…
we are continually consuming microscopic organisms…
unbeknownst to us.
I try to make good, healthy choices…
but, the producers only give us partial information…
sometimes misleading information…
sometimes it's a downright lie.
I do the best I can.
My son has settled somewhat. He had a true brace with his own mortality this weekend. Now he says he's done with drugs for good. He asked me not to share the story with anyone, but he's been scared straight…
at least for the immediate future.
We go to visit the reiki healer tonight. I hope he confides in her to gain some perspective.
I hope that my body is better integrated…
but I don't feel integrated.
I am tired and achey…
kind of scattered sensation.
I just made a phone call for my youngest. He has to do community service hours for his high school- so I arranged for him to work at the local raptor preserve this weekend to fulfill part of that requirement. It will be a good break for him…he goes there when he's really stressed.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I have read books on food production…
It motivated me to embrace vegetarianism.
But, I am not free of the system by any means.
I try to buy organic, free range for my family…
and it's not always available.
I've learned to purchase smaller amounts of meat at a greater price. Luckily most of my family has lost its taste for flesh…
except for the boys…
still stuck on bacon cheeseburgers…
gross.
I know that veganism is not a true option…
we are continually consuming microscopic organisms…
unbeknownst to us.
I try to make good, healthy choices…
but, the producers only give us partial information…
sometimes misleading information…
sometimes it's a downright lie.
I do the best I can.
My son has settled somewhat. He had a true brace with his own mortality this weekend. Now he says he's done with drugs for good. He asked me not to share the story with anyone, but he's been scared straight…
at least for the immediate future.
We go to visit the reiki healer tonight. I hope he confides in her to gain some perspective.
I hope that my body is better integrated…
but I don't feel integrated.
I am tired and achey…
kind of scattered sensation.
I just made a phone call for my youngest. He has to do community service hours for his high school- so I arranged for him to work at the local raptor preserve this weekend to fulfill part of that requirement. It will be a good break for him…he goes there when he's really stressed.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, April 19, 2015
CAFO
Okay, go ahead and scream. It can be very therapeutic. And it's so much better than yelling.
So your son is at war with you and you are a prison guard. I was just thinking about this. Maybe instead of grounding him, and making your home a place of punishment...perhaps, next time, you should sentence him to community service. I wonder if seeing how other people lived might put him in a place of reconsidering his sense of entitlement.
He's bright, but blind.
And I understand stress eating - or truly, numbing eating. I do not want to feel, and so I stuff my face. Then I get to hate myself.
I had one of my strange thoughts last night. I was thinking about CAFOs - concentrated animal feeding operations. Livestock animals are confined, trapped. They must eat whatever is given to them - there are no choices. They are often living in their own excrement. I have read that approximately 70% - 75% of the antibiotics produced in the US are fed to these animals. Makes sense that they would need it - dirty water, dirty conditions, no fresh air, unnatural foods - this will all lead to chronic disease.
And all just to keep them alive long enough to make a profitable amount of meat for the next step up of slaves to consume...
This is absolute slavery.
I was feeling compassion, and more determination to move closer and closer to veganism...when...
I realized I am trapped. If I want to live indoors with warm running water, I must work as many hours as ordered. When we are not in the 1%, we buy foods we can afford...mostly altered forms of wheat, soy and a lot of corn. We don't have enough time to be outside - not enough for true health and connection. Our water is dirty. We make a lot of garbage which is in a landfill near you polluting your environment- so we do live in our own waste. This all causes chronic disease, and so we take antibiotics. And we don't really have to take antibiotics anymore. They are in every bite of meat we swallow.
I realized we are also in a CAFO. We are kept creatures serving the economy.
It was pretty eye-opening and distressing.
It seems the options are to climb into the 1% - and they don't want us...or to drop out.
Serendipituously - I read an article this morning - How to Deprogram yourself.
We are trapped in our CAFO by: religion, money, TV, education, and by lack of: connection to nature, meditation and cleansing our bodies.
The article conjectures that as soon as there is religion and money, government is created...
I have always been a bit of an anarchist. I believe we can trust truly humane people to behave humanely...
Anyway...I worked yesterday, had a meeting meeting and then had the baby...so there is a lot I have to get done today. And if I am really lucky - I will plant peas!!
Hope you find a moment of joy today.
Love and hugs and a shoulder if you need...
Clare
So your son is at war with you and you are a prison guard. I was just thinking about this. Maybe instead of grounding him, and making your home a place of punishment...perhaps, next time, you should sentence him to community service. I wonder if seeing how other people lived might put him in a place of reconsidering his sense of entitlement.
He's bright, but blind.
And I understand stress eating - or truly, numbing eating. I do not want to feel, and so I stuff my face. Then I get to hate myself.
I had one of my strange thoughts last night. I was thinking about CAFOs - concentrated animal feeding operations. Livestock animals are confined, trapped. They must eat whatever is given to them - there are no choices. They are often living in their own excrement. I have read that approximately 70% - 75% of the antibiotics produced in the US are fed to these animals. Makes sense that they would need it - dirty water, dirty conditions, no fresh air, unnatural foods - this will all lead to chronic disease.
And all just to keep them alive long enough to make a profitable amount of meat for the next step up of slaves to consume...
This is absolute slavery.
I was feeling compassion, and more determination to move closer and closer to veganism...when...
I realized I am trapped. If I want to live indoors with warm running water, I must work as many hours as ordered. When we are not in the 1%, we buy foods we can afford...mostly altered forms of wheat, soy and a lot of corn. We don't have enough time to be outside - not enough for true health and connection. Our water is dirty. We make a lot of garbage which is in a landfill near you polluting your environment- so we do live in our own waste. This all causes chronic disease, and so we take antibiotics. And we don't really have to take antibiotics anymore. They are in every bite of meat we swallow.
I realized we are also in a CAFO. We are kept creatures serving the economy.
It was pretty eye-opening and distressing.
It seems the options are to climb into the 1% - and they don't want us...or to drop out.
Serendipituously - I read an article this morning - How to Deprogram yourself.
We are trapped in our CAFO by: religion, money, TV, education, and by lack of: connection to nature, meditation and cleansing our bodies.
The article conjectures that as soon as there is religion and money, government is created...
I have always been a bit of an anarchist. I believe we can trust truly humane people to behave humanely...
Anyway...I worked yesterday, had a meeting meeting and then had the baby...so there is a lot I have to get done today. And if I am really lucky - I will plant peas!!
Hope you find a moment of joy today.
Love and hugs and a shoulder if you need...
Clare
Saturday, April 18, 2015
I should just scream!
Clare,
I am eating myself to death…
stress eating sucks.
I've been very good with my food choices all week.
Yesterday I chose to eat 2 slices of thin crusted pizza…
then I snuck a few white chocolate easter eggs still hanging around.
I went to bed feeling bloated and uncomfortable.
I woke this morning…
had my protein shake…
went to yoga…
had a bowl of homemade soup…
and took the dogs for a walk.
When I got home my oldest said the younger just went for a walk…
but a carload of teenagers just went up the road after him.
I started up the road and it quickly came back down from the cup de sac.
He must have been hiding because I didn't see him…
but apparently he went to breakfast with his friends.
He's grounded…
I was allowing him to have a few friends here tonight to appease his boredom…
and he sneaks out as soon as I turn my back.
so now I've eaten two more slices of pizza and chocolate because I am so frustrated.
I'm going to eat myself to an early grave at this point.
I should just scream…
primal screaming is supposed to be helpful…
but I eat junk when I'm upset.
Enough bitching for now…
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am eating myself to death…
stress eating sucks.
I've been very good with my food choices all week.
Yesterday I chose to eat 2 slices of thin crusted pizza…
then I snuck a few white chocolate easter eggs still hanging around.
I went to bed feeling bloated and uncomfortable.
I woke this morning…
had my protein shake…
went to yoga…
had a bowl of homemade soup…
and took the dogs for a walk.
When I got home my oldest said the younger just went for a walk…
but a carload of teenagers just went up the road after him.
I started up the road and it quickly came back down from the cup de sac.
He must have been hiding because I didn't see him…
but apparently he went to breakfast with his friends.
He's grounded…
I was allowing him to have a few friends here tonight to appease his boredom…
and he sneaks out as soon as I turn my back.
so now I've eaten two more slices of pizza and chocolate because I am so frustrated.
I'm going to eat myself to an early grave at this point.
I should just scream…
primal screaming is supposed to be helpful…
but I eat junk when I'm upset.
Enough bitching for now…
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, April 17, 2015
mother/mater/matter
Hey Maggie,
Persistence is a gift. It will help him achieve...but it will drive you crazy first...
When I was reading your last post, I remembered parenting. It is the hardest job ever. It is the highest and the lowest all wrapped into one with no middle ground. It is mundane chores repeated ad infinitum until you feel like boredom and aggravation will leak out of your ears if you have to pick up after them one more time, or get them out of bed, or negotiate about supper. But it is also influencing another with every word, every nuance, every perception. To be a parent means you have to think all the time...
Ugh
But then it is the unexpected moments of adoration and love and breathtaking vulnerability.
Never boring.
I realized mine are still fascinating even though they are adults who rarely need me any more.
And with the oldest - trust him. How has he been doing with sobriety and partying?
I am really enjoying Natural Grace. I read something the other night that said materialism comes from mater/mother. I have been thinking about mater/matter...abundance versus refusing abundance. I have a Swedish friend who studies macrobiotics. I don't know if you have ever noticed, but I have one eyebrow higher than the other. It has been that way for most of my life. I went to a workshop on Chinese facial diagnosis many years ago, and the leader noted it might have happened at birth, and that a good cranial-sacral therapist might be able to return the balance.
So anyway, my Swedish friend said that the imbalance between my eyebrows indicates that I associate more with the male/father side of my power, and less with the female/mother. I have been wondering how closely love of mother/motherhood is associated with abundance. I am wondering if I honored my feminine more, would I be in better balance, and therefore live in more abundance. Or at least peace...
But I struggle with being feminine, because deep inside I believe that makes me rapable. I know rape has nothing to do with attractiveness...it is all about pain and power and putting women in their place. I know that strength and connection makes us stronger, less vulnerable But it's hard to experientially take that step...
And so I will continue to read and ruminate at night, when I should be sleeping...but that's all about adrenal exhaustion and why zebras don't get ulcers...
Thank you!!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Persistence is a gift. It will help him achieve...but it will drive you crazy first...
When I was reading your last post, I remembered parenting. It is the hardest job ever. It is the highest and the lowest all wrapped into one with no middle ground. It is mundane chores repeated ad infinitum until you feel like boredom and aggravation will leak out of your ears if you have to pick up after them one more time, or get them out of bed, or negotiate about supper. But it is also influencing another with every word, every nuance, every perception. To be a parent means you have to think all the time...
Ugh
But then it is the unexpected moments of adoration and love and breathtaking vulnerability.
Never boring.
I realized mine are still fascinating even though they are adults who rarely need me any more.
And with the oldest - trust him. How has he been doing with sobriety and partying?
I am really enjoying Natural Grace. I read something the other night that said materialism comes from mater/mother. I have been thinking about mater/matter...abundance versus refusing abundance. I have a Swedish friend who studies macrobiotics. I don't know if you have ever noticed, but I have one eyebrow higher than the other. It has been that way for most of my life. I went to a workshop on Chinese facial diagnosis many years ago, and the leader noted it might have happened at birth, and that a good cranial-sacral therapist might be able to return the balance.
So anyway, my Swedish friend said that the imbalance between my eyebrows indicates that I associate more with the male/father side of my power, and less with the female/mother. I have been wondering how closely love of mother/motherhood is associated with abundance. I am wondering if I honored my feminine more, would I be in better balance, and therefore live in more abundance. Or at least peace...
But I struggle with being feminine, because deep inside I believe that makes me rapable. I know rape has nothing to do with attractiveness...it is all about pain and power and putting women in their place. I know that strength and connection makes us stronger, less vulnerable But it's hard to experientially take that step...
And so I will continue to read and ruminate at night, when I should be sleeping...but that's all about adrenal exhaustion and why zebras don't get ulcers...
Thank you!!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Some day
Clare,
I know what I am doing is a good and decent path…
it is just so difficult.
My son persistently asks to be let out of the grounding…
cursing and yelling when he does not get his way.
There is a big party tomorrow evening…
I'm afraid he is going to sneak out to go to it…
one more confrontation.
I don't know how much energy I have left for this stuff.
My older son made the decision to drop an English class today. That means he won't graduate until 12/15 at least. I don't mind really, but it is another semester of making sure he's doing the work. It's another semester of me being responsible…not really responsible…but feeling that way.
He has a plan…to finish the course work by cyberschool- not our home district- and then to take classes at the local university campus. At least he's talking about furthering his education. And he had a job interview today. Maybe he will move forward…at a slower pace than anticipated.
Husband was very upset by this decision…"I'm disappointed in you." I asked him to explain that he is disappointed with the choice, not his son. I hope he heard me on that one.
I am so tied up in all of this boy drama that I cannot access my own deeper thoughts…
bear with me…
I will become intelligent, thoughtful and introspective once again…
someday.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I know what I am doing is a good and decent path…
it is just so difficult.
My son persistently asks to be let out of the grounding…
cursing and yelling when he does not get his way.
There is a big party tomorrow evening…
I'm afraid he is going to sneak out to go to it…
one more confrontation.
I don't know how much energy I have left for this stuff.
My older son made the decision to drop an English class today. That means he won't graduate until 12/15 at least. I don't mind really, but it is another semester of making sure he's doing the work. It's another semester of me being responsible…not really responsible…but feeling that way.
He has a plan…to finish the course work by cyberschool- not our home district- and then to take classes at the local university campus. At least he's talking about furthering his education. And he had a job interview today. Maybe he will move forward…at a slower pace than anticipated.
Husband was very upset by this decision…"I'm disappointed in you." I asked him to explain that he is disappointed with the choice, not his son. I hope he heard me on that one.
I am so tied up in all of this boy drama that I cannot access my own deeper thoughts…
bear with me…
I will become intelligent, thoughtful and introspective once again…
someday.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Word
Be strong Maggie,
You can do this. You can love and serve your son by sticking to your word. If you hold onto the grounding until May, he will know he can trust you to keep your word. He will know that he is valuable to you - he is worth watching and monitoring. You notice him. He matters. And I think that pointing out that he is acting abusively is absolutely correct. Help him see himself and take responsibility for his behavior. Let's not have another victim charging through the world leaving a path of damage and destruction.
I loved the bird. I love the way Spirit intervenes when we need help most. He needed an excuse to remember he is a loving person. He needed to reconnect with you.
I don't know the situation well enough, but I read shades of B#2 between the lines and in my memory. He was never asked to or made to or forced to take responsibility for anything he did to us or to friends. He was too cute. He was so charming. He got away with everything - even outside the home, because Daddy protected him.
You want more for your son. Teach him that he can count on you.
I know what you are going through is tough. I hope Husband is with you.
You are working from a loving place though. Be strong, be courageous, trust yourself.
I have been reading more Derrick Jensen. The following passage actually gave me hope...
The first step in taking down civilization is to realize in our own hearts and minds that the dictionaries lied to us, that civilization is not “a high stage of social and cultural development,” or “a developed or advanced state of human society.” I am not talking about convincing some hypothetical mass movement of people, which will not happen within this culture. As I said earlier, when fathers are raping daughters, when lovers are beating those they purport to love, there is no hope for the salmon. I am talking about me realizing this in my own heart, and you realizing it in yours.
The next step in taking down civilization is finding a few other people who feel the same. It is hard enough to take on this entire abusive social structure— where everything is set up to protect the abusers—without having to fight our friends as well. It can be lifesaving to have friends who will say, and mean, with courage, love, and determination glistening in their eyes, “Yes, it is unacceptable to me that salmon be exterminated from this river. I will do what it takes to save them.” I am talking about groups of people coming to this understanding, and beginning to act upon it.
-chapter entitled What It Means to Be
Human from “Endgame, Volume II: Resistance”
Derrick Jensen
I feel like you and I are bound in courage, love and determination to look at the damage violence has caused in our lives, and to stop it. Our attempts may be misguided and faltering - because we don't have appropriate role-models. Much of the time we have no idea what we are doing.
But we are doing something. We are doing something different. We are trying.
And we are taking an unflinching look at ourselves - weaknesses, whininess, cluelessness aside, we are looking and seeing ourselves and deciding not to be victims, but to be voices. Even if few hear us - we will speak to each other and to anyone who might hear.
And we will fight. We will continue to fight with our family, with ourselves, with patriarchy and the rape society we live in.
I love you. Thank you for being with me. Stay strong.You are a good, caring mother.
Love and hugs,
Clare
You can do this. You can love and serve your son by sticking to your word. If you hold onto the grounding until May, he will know he can trust you to keep your word. He will know that he is valuable to you - he is worth watching and monitoring. You notice him. He matters. And I think that pointing out that he is acting abusively is absolutely correct. Help him see himself and take responsibility for his behavior. Let's not have another victim charging through the world leaving a path of damage and destruction.
I loved the bird. I love the way Spirit intervenes when we need help most. He needed an excuse to remember he is a loving person. He needed to reconnect with you.
I don't know the situation well enough, but I read shades of B#2 between the lines and in my memory. He was never asked to or made to or forced to take responsibility for anything he did to us or to friends. He was too cute. He was so charming. He got away with everything - even outside the home, because Daddy protected him.
You want more for your son. Teach him that he can count on you.
I know what you are going through is tough. I hope Husband is with you.
You are working from a loving place though. Be strong, be courageous, trust yourself.
I have been reading more Derrick Jensen. The following passage actually gave me hope...
The first step in taking down civilization is to realize in our own hearts and minds that the dictionaries lied to us, that civilization is not “a high stage of social and cultural development,” or “a developed or advanced state of human society.” I am not talking about convincing some hypothetical mass movement of people, which will not happen within this culture. As I said earlier, when fathers are raping daughters, when lovers are beating those they purport to love, there is no hope for the salmon. I am talking about me realizing this in my own heart, and you realizing it in yours.
The next step in taking down civilization is finding a few other people who feel the same. It is hard enough to take on this entire abusive social structure— where everything is set up to protect the abusers—without having to fight our friends as well. It can be lifesaving to have friends who will say, and mean, with courage, love, and determination glistening in their eyes, “Yes, it is unacceptable to me that salmon be exterminated from this river. I will do what it takes to save them.” I am talking about groups of people coming to this understanding, and beginning to act upon it.
-chapter entitled What It Means to Be
Human from “Endgame, Volume II: Resistance”
Derrick Jensen
I feel like you and I are bound in courage, love and determination to look at the damage violence has caused in our lives, and to stop it. Our attempts may be misguided and faltering - because we don't have appropriate role-models. Much of the time we have no idea what we are doing.
But we are doing something. We are doing something different. We are trying.
And we are taking an unflinching look at ourselves - weaknesses, whininess, cluelessness aside, we are looking and seeing ourselves and deciding not to be victims, but to be voices. Even if few hear us - we will speak to each other and to anyone who might hear.
And we will fight. We will continue to fight with our family, with ourselves, with patriarchy and the rape society we live in.
I love you. Thank you for being with me. Stay strong.You are a good, caring mother.
Love and hugs,
Clare
A bird...
Claire,
My youngest is having a prolonged temper tantrum…
not sure what else to say.
For too long we have gone easy on him…
lightened the punishments because he is so charming and manipulative.
But for the past two weeks he has had almost daily infractions with substances…
including a party while we were out Friday night.
He's grounded until May…
and he's pissed.
Yesterday morning he cursed me out most of the 20 minutes drive to school.
After school he was sweet and supportive until I clearly answered that his grounding in indeed until May.
He threatened to leave, hurt himself, destroy our pictures, take a different drug every third day just to try them…
and when that was not successful he threw a fireplace popcorn popper, a computer and smashed a ceramic vase onto the floor…
it was so frightening…
but I had to pretend to be stronger than him…
not cave to the pressure.
He ran away…
he left for about an hour and a half…
took camping gear.
I had to trust he would be OK.
He came back with an injured bird he found…
he said it was to save the bird.
Later he said, "Maybe there is a God. That bird needed me to bring it here to save it. Who knows what might have happened out there."
We talked.
It's after school now and we are talking again. He still wants me to change the grounding…
but he is hearing my reasoning about his need to learn self-control…
and to accept discipline…
and to control his temper…
and not try to intimidate others.
I explained to him that last night's outburst was domestic violence…
he tried to intimidate and control through violence and force…
it felt awful…
I felt controlled…
I felt afraid of how I was reacting…
questioning myself over and over…
how is this my fault…
over and over…
I'm still taking blame…
I should've, could've, would've done everything differently…
but the truth is that I am doing the best that I can…
under the circumstances.
Byt the way, the bird was better this afternoon and flew away…
maybe the divine did use that bird as a sign.
Makes me want to cry.
Love and Light,
Maggie
My youngest is having a prolonged temper tantrum…
not sure what else to say.
For too long we have gone easy on him…
lightened the punishments because he is so charming and manipulative.
But for the past two weeks he has had almost daily infractions with substances…
including a party while we were out Friday night.
He's grounded until May…
and he's pissed.
Yesterday morning he cursed me out most of the 20 minutes drive to school.
After school he was sweet and supportive until I clearly answered that his grounding in indeed until May.
He threatened to leave, hurt himself, destroy our pictures, take a different drug every third day just to try them…
and when that was not successful he threw a fireplace popcorn popper, a computer and smashed a ceramic vase onto the floor…
it was so frightening…
but I had to pretend to be stronger than him…
not cave to the pressure.
He ran away…
he left for about an hour and a half…
took camping gear.
I had to trust he would be OK.
He came back with an injured bird he found…
he said it was to save the bird.
Later he said, "Maybe there is a God. That bird needed me to bring it here to save it. Who knows what might have happened out there."
We talked.
It's after school now and we are talking again. He still wants me to change the grounding…
but he is hearing my reasoning about his need to learn self-control…
and to accept discipline…
and to control his temper…
and not try to intimidate others.
I explained to him that last night's outburst was domestic violence…
he tried to intimidate and control through violence and force…
it felt awful…
I felt controlled…
I felt afraid of how I was reacting…
questioning myself over and over…
how is this my fault…
over and over…
I'm still taking blame…
I should've, could've, would've done everything differently…
but the truth is that I am doing the best that I can…
under the circumstances.
Byt the way, the bird was better this afternoon and flew away…
maybe the divine did use that bird as a sign.
Makes me want to cry.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, April 13, 2015
Checking in with little to say
Hi Maggie,
The wind is whipping outside. It is going to storm tonight - it will rain on my new transplants! Today we moved and stacked all the leftover firewood. Again - a nice kind of tired.
I finished the zebra book. I recognized my unipolar depression, being exhausted, feeling like everything takes too much effort. I recognized family patterns of low blood pressure and feeling faint when faced with trauma and stress.
And then I started Natural Grace. I think I'm going to really love this book. I love thinking about our connection to nature. And in the beginning they talk about people being Animist before the Catholic church came in dominating all thought, using guilt to control.
I have been identifying self as an Animist for quite some time.
Just checking in. I find I am really exhausted, and I think I will be able to sleep well tonight.
Back tomorrow. Hope you are too.
Love you, little sister!!
Clare
The wind is whipping outside. It is going to storm tonight - it will rain on my new transplants! Today we moved and stacked all the leftover firewood. Again - a nice kind of tired.
I finished the zebra book. I recognized my unipolar depression, being exhausted, feeling like everything takes too much effort. I recognized family patterns of low blood pressure and feeling faint when faced with trauma and stress.
And then I started Natural Grace. I think I'm going to really love this book. I love thinking about our connection to nature. And in the beginning they talk about people being Animist before the Catholic church came in dominating all thought, using guilt to control.
I have been identifying self as an Animist for quite some time.
Just checking in. I find I am really exhausted, and I think I will be able to sleep well tonight.
Back tomorrow. Hope you are too.
Love you, little sister!!
Clare
Sunday, April 12, 2015
sunnier
Hi Maggie,
Generally I am optimistic and in love with the planet, and have faith in humanity. But some days, maybe we'll blame it on the recent eclipses, but some days it just all seems like too much. I think being sick and tired added to my interpretation of everything.
But today I went outside. I forget to do that sometimes. Or the weather keeps me inside. But being outside always changes everything for me.
I had my grandson last night. Just him, not the girls. I got to focus just on him. It was so much fun. He told me at least five, six times how much he loved me. We cooked together, we played together. We talked a lot. He opened my heart.
Then today, the sun came out and nephew and I thinned and moved lillies. And the neighbor brought over some flowers she was thinning - so we put in some autumn glories and poppies. I got dirty and so happy. Then I went for a walk in the sunshine.
I saw bugs and buds and felt the warmth and light.
So, I'm better. I have faith in the future again.
I think the more connected we are - to the planet, to the plants, to other species, and especially to each other - the more likely we are to survive.
I had one of those strange thoughts that come to me today. I was walking, listening to some neighbors play music and I suddenly wondered what would happen if groups of people sang the same song at the same time,all around the region, or the country, or the world.
I have had amazing moments when singing with others, There is power in that unity. What if we used it to join, to unite, to be in loving connection.
Ready to take on another busy, slightly overscheduled week!
Love to you and yours,
Clare
Generally I am optimistic and in love with the planet, and have faith in humanity. But some days, maybe we'll blame it on the recent eclipses, but some days it just all seems like too much. I think being sick and tired added to my interpretation of everything.
But today I went outside. I forget to do that sometimes. Or the weather keeps me inside. But being outside always changes everything for me.
I had my grandson last night. Just him, not the girls. I got to focus just on him. It was so much fun. He told me at least five, six times how much he loved me. We cooked together, we played together. We talked a lot. He opened my heart.
Then today, the sun came out and nephew and I thinned and moved lillies. And the neighbor brought over some flowers she was thinning - so we put in some autumn glories and poppies. I got dirty and so happy. Then I went for a walk in the sunshine.
I saw bugs and buds and felt the warmth and light.
So, I'm better. I have faith in the future again.
I think the more connected we are - to the planet, to the plants, to other species, and especially to each other - the more likely we are to survive.
I had one of those strange thoughts that come to me today. I was walking, listening to some neighbors play music and I suddenly wondered what would happen if groups of people sang the same song at the same time,all around the region, or the country, or the world.
I have had amazing moments when singing with others, There is power in that unity. What if we used it to join, to unite, to be in loving connection.
Ready to take on another busy, slightly overscheduled week!
Love to you and yours,
Clare
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Are we screwed?
Clare,
"We're so screwed" only if we allow ourselves to be. When we hold the expectation that bad things are inevitable in our lives…
for whatever reasons…
that is what we will get.
Change those expectations and you can change your life…
the manifestations of "fate" and "destiny"…
You sound as if no one can pull themselves together and create meaning after trauma and challenge.
But that trauma and those challenges are the gateway for growth and change. If life was easy we wouldn't ever have to adapt…
we'd never have to learn to move on…
take a new perspective…
forgive the other person…
come to an understanding of their motivations.
I honestly do believe the 1% is leading us to destruction…
but only the most primitive or those most connected to the earth will survive.
Those who know how to adapt and live from the changing seasons and climate will be the ones who survive the environmental changes that are happening. That wisdom will allow adaptation and survival. The rich will not be able to buy their own survival…they will perish with the rest…I imagine the surviving humans (if there are any) will be indigenous tribes somewhere in the world…probably more than one locus of populations…small tribes that understand community and collaboration with each other, the animals, plants and the earth. It will be a resetting of the "thermostat" on the planet earth.
I also wonder/believe that as the oxygen decreases, carbon dioxide and methane increase there will be genetically superior beings that will be able to live in a changing atmosphere…I imagine they carry a gene that is latent at present, but will become active as the gasses change. It's a fascinating concept.
I wish I was around to see if it is true…or not.
Is a mass extinction inevitable?
yes…
we're already seeing extinction of species at an unprecedented rate.
The only question is what species will survive.
Mammals…maybe not?
It takes too long to raise our young…
they may be wiped out by predators because of their vulnerability.
Funny, there are predators now (other humans) who make life difficult for human young to grow and survive now. Will we protect our young better when the predators are not human? Will we recognize that as a greater, truer threat?
Are we "screwed"…no, I don't.
I think this is the natural process of evolution…
yes, man is accelerating the damage…
but this is a process of growth and change…
dynamic homeostasis in action.
My mind is rambling tonight….
not sure if that's good or bad.
My older son took husband to a Bob Dylan concert tonight. They have spent the day together and seem to be really enjoying each other's company. Husband sent a text that the audience is incredibly diverse…
18 year olds sitting next to 80 year olds…
tie dye next to suit and ties…
only Dylan could attract such a crowd.
I'm glad they're having this opportunity…
they needed time away and some bonding.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
"We're so screwed" only if we allow ourselves to be. When we hold the expectation that bad things are inevitable in our lives…
for whatever reasons…
that is what we will get.
Change those expectations and you can change your life…
the manifestations of "fate" and "destiny"…
You sound as if no one can pull themselves together and create meaning after trauma and challenge.
But that trauma and those challenges are the gateway for growth and change. If life was easy we wouldn't ever have to adapt…
we'd never have to learn to move on…
take a new perspective…
forgive the other person…
come to an understanding of their motivations.
I honestly do believe the 1% is leading us to destruction…
but only the most primitive or those most connected to the earth will survive.
Those who know how to adapt and live from the changing seasons and climate will be the ones who survive the environmental changes that are happening. That wisdom will allow adaptation and survival. The rich will not be able to buy their own survival…they will perish with the rest…I imagine the surviving humans (if there are any) will be indigenous tribes somewhere in the world…probably more than one locus of populations…small tribes that understand community and collaboration with each other, the animals, plants and the earth. It will be a resetting of the "thermostat" on the planet earth.
I also wonder/believe that as the oxygen decreases, carbon dioxide and methane increase there will be genetically superior beings that will be able to live in a changing atmosphere…I imagine they carry a gene that is latent at present, but will become active as the gasses change. It's a fascinating concept.
I wish I was around to see if it is true…or not.
Is a mass extinction inevitable?
yes…
we're already seeing extinction of species at an unprecedented rate.
The only question is what species will survive.
Mammals…maybe not?
It takes too long to raise our young…
they may be wiped out by predators because of their vulnerability.
Funny, there are predators now (other humans) who make life difficult for human young to grow and survive now. Will we protect our young better when the predators are not human? Will we recognize that as a greater, truer threat?
Are we "screwed"…no, I don't.
I think this is the natural process of evolution…
yes, man is accelerating the damage…
but this is a process of growth and change…
dynamic homeostasis in action.
My mind is rambling tonight….
not sure if that's good or bad.
My older son took husband to a Bob Dylan concert tonight. They have spent the day together and seem to be really enjoying each other's company. Husband sent a text that the audience is incredibly diverse…
18 year olds sitting next to 80 year olds…
tie dye next to suit and ties…
only Dylan could attract such a crowd.
I'm glad they're having this opportunity…
they needed time away and some bonding.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
gloom and doomy day
Hi Maggie,
I had a long night. My youngest had a medical check yesterday, and was given permission to sleep without the brace. She can also spend some time each day without it, and it has been set at a 45 degree angle. So she is feeling some relief. So she asked if I could keep the baby overnight. She wanted to really sleep for the first time in a month.
The baby hasn't been spending the night here much lately, and so she was not happy, and really missed her Mama. But also, the babe seems to be in a growth spurt - she was really hungry at 4 am, and there was no boob-juice as she calls it. So I had to figure out what the problem was and solve it. And she is getting her two year molars - in as slow-motion as seems humanly possible.
So life with her - it made for a long night.
And I was on the phone in the middle of the night with my daughter-in-law, then my son. I wish I was there. It is so hard to tell what is going on, so all I can do is listen and remind them each that I really love them. I listen to each, and I am always well-aware that the truth is subjective, and somewhere between...
I miss them. I love them. I feel responsible. I feel like I understand at least some of it - because it is family patterns. This is where I witness first hand the - probable - genetic changes caused in them by trauma from our grandparents, parents, us...it seems as if the changes must build, increase exponentially as they pour on us from an increasing number of damaged generations.
We're so screwed...(a lack of sleep leads to a pessimistic Clare.)
Maybe it is something bigger, being mirrored in my family. I am feeling so overwhelmed by the drought restrictions in the west, leading to awareness of the amount of water being systematically poisoned by fracking, and then thinking about this addictive compulsion to extract every drop of oil from the planet no matter what the damage. I feel lost. I feel like I can't do anything to help. I feel we are all lost, overcome by the addictive mindset...although I think it might be a pathological greed on the part of the elite few who don't seem to understand they are destroying themselves too.
Are we acting out this destruction on a personal level? Or does personal drama keep us from experiencing the deep pain of feeling what is happening to the Earth? Or is our parallel pain supposed to sensitize us, wake us up, give us that something we need to stand up and say no more?
I watched a video that is going viral this morning. A middle-aged, self-professed redneck who admits to being a former racist talks about the changes, opening our eyes and seeing racism, speaking up when we see it. He says all problems come from indifference. It gives me hope because his words demonstrate that humans are awakening. But will we regain our awareness and our humanity in time?
Or will we continue to flounder in the pain pouring on us from our ancestral traumas which lead to and blend with our current traumas and what we are doing to ourselves and each other in order to numb. Or maybe to discharge the pain building inside us?...In order to just not feel the pain any more.
My eldest is coming over so we can work together this afternoon. I have to restore order to my house...Then my grandson will come for an overnight. I almost never get time with him alone. I am looking forward to it.
I hope all is well with you...It came to me that your recent severing may have been through the orange chakra. Does that sound right? It may be something to consider...which sacramant does that represent?
Love and hugs,
Clare
I had a long night. My youngest had a medical check yesterday, and was given permission to sleep without the brace. She can also spend some time each day without it, and it has been set at a 45 degree angle. So she is feeling some relief. So she asked if I could keep the baby overnight. She wanted to really sleep for the first time in a month.
The baby hasn't been spending the night here much lately, and so she was not happy, and really missed her Mama. But also, the babe seems to be in a growth spurt - she was really hungry at 4 am, and there was no boob-juice as she calls it. So I had to figure out what the problem was and solve it. And she is getting her two year molars - in as slow-motion as seems humanly possible.
So life with her - it made for a long night.
And I was on the phone in the middle of the night with my daughter-in-law, then my son. I wish I was there. It is so hard to tell what is going on, so all I can do is listen and remind them each that I really love them. I listen to each, and I am always well-aware that the truth is subjective, and somewhere between...
I miss them. I love them. I feel responsible. I feel like I understand at least some of it - because it is family patterns. This is where I witness first hand the - probable - genetic changes caused in them by trauma from our grandparents, parents, us...it seems as if the changes must build, increase exponentially as they pour on us from an increasing number of damaged generations.
We're so screwed...(a lack of sleep leads to a pessimistic Clare.)
Maybe it is something bigger, being mirrored in my family. I am feeling so overwhelmed by the drought restrictions in the west, leading to awareness of the amount of water being systematically poisoned by fracking, and then thinking about this addictive compulsion to extract every drop of oil from the planet no matter what the damage. I feel lost. I feel like I can't do anything to help. I feel we are all lost, overcome by the addictive mindset...although I think it might be a pathological greed on the part of the elite few who don't seem to understand they are destroying themselves too.
Are we acting out this destruction on a personal level? Or does personal drama keep us from experiencing the deep pain of feeling what is happening to the Earth? Or is our parallel pain supposed to sensitize us, wake us up, give us that something we need to stand up and say no more?
I watched a video that is going viral this morning. A middle-aged, self-professed redneck who admits to being a former racist talks about the changes, opening our eyes and seeing racism, speaking up when we see it. He says all problems come from indifference. It gives me hope because his words demonstrate that humans are awakening. But will we regain our awareness and our humanity in time?
Or will we continue to flounder in the pain pouring on us from our ancestral traumas which lead to and blend with our current traumas and what we are doing to ourselves and each other in order to numb. Or maybe to discharge the pain building inside us?...In order to just not feel the pain any more.
My eldest is coming over so we can work together this afternoon. I have to restore order to my house...Then my grandson will come for an overnight. I almost never get time with him alone. I am looking forward to it.
I hope all is well with you...It came to me that your recent severing may have been through the orange chakra. Does that sound right? It may be something to consider...which sacramant does that represent?
Love and hugs,
Clare
Thursday, April 9, 2015
clams
Hi Maggie,
You have a typo - clam instead of calm. And I loved it. You said you have a clam surface, and I saw your family as smooth and integrated appearing, but slammed very shut, unable to really open. It fit with your comments about lying rather than facing the truth. Very poetic...
The youngest may accuse you of being crazy, because you stop to consider it, stop to defend yourself. The pressure is off him and on you.
The world will continue, but our species is in danger of becoming extinct. We are blindly following and allowing the 1% to lead us into extinction. What I can't figure out is if the leaders are blind and have no idea they will kill themselves also, or if there is a survival plan that doesn't include the sheep.
Over and over, though, I read about passive, nonviolent resistance making the difference. We simply have to refuse to obey.
We don't have to buy everything they offer - even if the neighbor has it. We don't have to accept their patriarchical authority. We can choose to be adults, not their children. We can take responsibility for ourselves, our loved ones, our communities. We can say no to their education and their demands on our lifestyle.
If we're not too tired...if we're not too stressed...if we're not too broke or broken...
So what you are saying is that we have to be cancer, think like cancer in order to survive. They problem I feel is that cancer is much like capitalism. It is based on the flawed notion that we have inexhaustible resources. Our species is functioning much like cancer now...which may create a kill or be killed situation.
What we need is a Light and Loving cancer intelligence...an intelligence that adapts and survives while coexisting with rather than swallowing the host alive...
Or so it seems.
Maybe when we are sheep, we are dark, devouring cancer. When we are humane we can become a Light and Loving cancer...
Love and hugs,
Clare
You have a typo - clam instead of calm. And I loved it. You said you have a clam surface, and I saw your family as smooth and integrated appearing, but slammed very shut, unable to really open. It fit with your comments about lying rather than facing the truth. Very poetic...
The youngest may accuse you of being crazy, because you stop to consider it, stop to defend yourself. The pressure is off him and on you.
The world will continue, but our species is in danger of becoming extinct. We are blindly following and allowing the 1% to lead us into extinction. What I can't figure out is if the leaders are blind and have no idea they will kill themselves also, or if there is a survival plan that doesn't include the sheep.
Over and over, though, I read about passive, nonviolent resistance making the difference. We simply have to refuse to obey.
We don't have to buy everything they offer - even if the neighbor has it. We don't have to accept their patriarchical authority. We can choose to be adults, not their children. We can take responsibility for ourselves, our loved ones, our communities. We can say no to their education and their demands on our lifestyle.
If we're not too tired...if we're not too stressed...if we're not too broke or broken...
So what you are saying is that we have to be cancer, think like cancer in order to survive. They problem I feel is that cancer is much like capitalism. It is based on the flawed notion that we have inexhaustible resources. Our species is functioning much like cancer now...which may create a kill or be killed situation.
What we need is a Light and Loving cancer intelligence...an intelligence that adapts and survives while coexisting with rather than swallowing the host alive...
Or so it seems.
Maybe when we are sheep, we are dark, devouring cancer. When we are humane we can become a Light and Loving cancer...
Love and hugs,
Clare
survive
To answer your first question, the split was recent. As of mid-winter I was "together". But, there's a lot of distrust in my house right now. I can feel the stress. We have a clam surface, but eruptions of anger. The biggest source of stress, for me, is the lying. The boys would rather lie than face the truth and just own it. The youngest one accuses me of being crazy because I smell pot or cigarettes…"you have no proof" he tells me. I want to leave sometimes because it feels so tense here…but that's not a solution. So I keep working with them, trying to listen to what they are telling me in those moments when things are calm.
I wonder how long this world will survive…
We are destroying it a breakneck speed…
and trying to push blame unto others…
or deny it.
I saw a post this week about people not caring about climate change when it "threatened polar bears with extinction" but who are furious because of water rationing. We are self-centered assholes.
Sometimes I wonder if a few people will survive to re-colonize…and if they will have learned the lessons of interdependence…or if another species will emerge dominant.
I saw a post about surviving cancer today….it occurred to me that cancer is incredibly good at survival…it is adaptable, tenacious, easily relocates to different environments…it is truly survival of the fittest at work in some bodies. Having cancer isn't about survival…it's about learning to live life with that challenge and thriving. It is about living and loving the body and world you are in. It's about big lessons. Cancer changes everything- mostly for the better.
I ordered a cleanse to get me jump-started…
I need to get a handle on my eating and health.
This is so not me.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
I wonder how long this world will survive…
We are destroying it a breakneck speed…
and trying to push blame unto others…
or deny it.
I saw a post this week about people not caring about climate change when it "threatened polar bears with extinction" but who are furious because of water rationing. We are self-centered assholes.
Sometimes I wonder if a few people will survive to re-colonize…and if they will have learned the lessons of interdependence…or if another species will emerge dominant.
I saw a post about surviving cancer today….it occurred to me that cancer is incredibly good at survival…it is adaptable, tenacious, easily relocates to different environments…it is truly survival of the fittest at work in some bodies. Having cancer isn't about survival…it's about learning to live life with that challenge and thriving. It is about living and loving the body and world you are in. It's about big lessons. Cancer changes everything- mostly for the better.
I ordered a cleanse to get me jump-started…
I need to get a handle on my eating and health.
This is so not me.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
stewing
Hi Sister!
It was interesting that you are severed through the middle, psychically. I think that is part of the break inflicted on all of us - split between yellow and green chakras. Did your healer have any idea why you were torn apart? Was it recent, or are old wounds emerging?
I wonder if I am living a cerebral life...I can't seem to figure out how to get into this and do it!!
I have fallen off the no sugar wagon big time. I don't feel good. I have been sick for over two weeks, and I feel gross and grumpy and weak and out of sorts. And the bad foods are just making it worse. I'll get back on soon. I am feeling better every day...And spring is finally coming. No flowers here yet, but no snow...so it's good! Last year, my birthday commitment was strong and mostly held. Maybe that will be my time again...
I tend to use herbs that are here. I truly believe everything you need is where you are. So I don't know much about kava, and I have never used it. Please let me know what you think...
I suppose I know the kids do not pay us back for parenting them. Our responsibility is to them, theirs is to the next generation. But we have such a rocky, disconnected relationship with Mom and Dad and with family of origin. I don't know what to do for Mom and Dad, there's nothing I can do, and Dad simply does not like me. I don't have a good role model for what a healthy family looks like. All I know is that I am relieved when I find I have not thoroughly lost my kids, that they still feel connected to me.
I have been reading some excerpts from a favorite author - Derrick Jensen. I started reading him about 10 years ago, and he has definitely influenced the way I think. He isan eco-activist from northern Cali who came from a family full of sexual abuse.
He was writing about abusers who say they can't stop themselves. He points out that invariably, they can. If the police show up, they stop and speak normally and begin the abuse again later. It has to do with control and ownership.
I figured this out years ago. I realized I never yelled at my husband, at Friends, at coworkers, no matter how stressed I was. I could control it. I only yelled at my kids. Control and ownership.
But then he went on to compare the 1% to abusers. They don't stop, they don't mind killing, they seem to feel they own and control all the resources, including our species. It was pretty chilling, and I think he is onto a truth. He talked about the Nazis and their desire to kill anyone they could not control.
I fear for our planet, yet I still feel like humanity and humaneness can prevail. Love wins in the end...
This is wjere I am stewing tonight!!
Love and hugs to you,
Clare
It was interesting that you are severed through the middle, psychically. I think that is part of the break inflicted on all of us - split between yellow and green chakras. Did your healer have any idea why you were torn apart? Was it recent, or are old wounds emerging?
I wonder if I am living a cerebral life...I can't seem to figure out how to get into this and do it!!
I have fallen off the no sugar wagon big time. I don't feel good. I have been sick for over two weeks, and I feel gross and grumpy and weak and out of sorts. And the bad foods are just making it worse. I'll get back on soon. I am feeling better every day...And spring is finally coming. No flowers here yet, but no snow...so it's good! Last year, my birthday commitment was strong and mostly held. Maybe that will be my time again...
I tend to use herbs that are here. I truly believe everything you need is where you are. So I don't know much about kava, and I have never used it. Please let me know what you think...
I suppose I know the kids do not pay us back for parenting them. Our responsibility is to them, theirs is to the next generation. But we have such a rocky, disconnected relationship with Mom and Dad and with family of origin. I don't know what to do for Mom and Dad, there's nothing I can do, and Dad simply does not like me. I don't have a good role model for what a healthy family looks like. All I know is that I am relieved when I find I have not thoroughly lost my kids, that they still feel connected to me.
I have been reading some excerpts from a favorite author - Derrick Jensen. I started reading him about 10 years ago, and he has definitely influenced the way I think. He isan eco-activist from northern Cali who came from a family full of sexual abuse.
He was writing about abusers who say they can't stop themselves. He points out that invariably, they can. If the police show up, they stop and speak normally and begin the abuse again later. It has to do with control and ownership.
I figured this out years ago. I realized I never yelled at my husband, at Friends, at coworkers, no matter how stressed I was. I could control it. I only yelled at my kids. Control and ownership.
But then he went on to compare the 1% to abusers. They don't stop, they don't mind killing, they seem to feel they own and control all the resources, including our species. It was pretty chilling, and I think he is onto a truth. He talked about the Nazis and their desire to kill anyone they could not control.
I fear for our planet, yet I still feel like humanity and humaneness can prevail. Love wins in the end...
This is wjere I am stewing tonight!!
Love and hugs to you,
Clare
still tired…I need spring
Clare,
Well, the daily chocolate ingestion continues…
it's just sitting on my counter…
calling my name…
and I'm getting to the point of taking it out to the trash can to make it go away.
I am still feeling tired and unrested…
I stayed up to watch basketball on Monday night…
and I'm still paying the price.
My days are feeling more like a chore than an adventure…
I want to get that interest back.
Today I blistered 2 fingertips on a copier, trying to dislodge a paper jam. What a mistake that was. You forget how sensitive your finger tips are until after you injure them…
then they remind you- often.
B#4 came by today…he's replacing some windows for me. He gave my older son some college advice. My son seemed pleased to have the guidance. I was at work, so I didn't wasn't around. It will be good when he comes back to install them, hopefully I'll get to spend some time with him then.
I ordered Kava extract for my sons. I've done some research, it's supposed to be very relaxing and relatively safe- if not used every day. I've read about people using it for benzodiazapine withdrawal. Ive discussed this with both and we've agreed to try this instead of getting high on THC. Both affect your body and mind but at least this is legal. Do you know anything about it?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Well, the daily chocolate ingestion continues…
it's just sitting on my counter…
calling my name…
and I'm getting to the point of taking it out to the trash can to make it go away.
I am still feeling tired and unrested…
I stayed up to watch basketball on Monday night…
and I'm still paying the price.
My days are feeling more like a chore than an adventure…
I want to get that interest back.
Today I blistered 2 fingertips on a copier, trying to dislodge a paper jam. What a mistake that was. You forget how sensitive your finger tips are until after you injure them…
then they remind you- often.
B#4 came by today…he's replacing some windows for me. He gave my older son some college advice. My son seemed pleased to have the guidance. I was at work, so I didn't wasn't around. It will be good when he comes back to install them, hopefully I'll get to spend some time with him then.
I ordered Kava extract for my sons. I've done some research, it's supposed to be very relaxing and relatively safe- if not used every day. I've read about people using it for benzodiazapine withdrawal. Ive discussed this with both and we've agreed to try this instead of getting high on THC. Both affect your body and mind but at least this is legal. Do you know anything about it?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Patience is a virtue
Clare,
I like the idea of placing the pictures side by side…
it connects the generations.
We should be willing to let others help us…
they are not just paying you back for your parenting…
it is also a way to pay it forward.
My computer has been freezing up on me…
sorry, I sit down to blog and it won't do anything…
I have to force a quit to turn it off.
I ran my anti-virus so it should be good now.
I saw my reiki healer yesterday…
my 'belt meridian' was almost completely severed…
I've been experiencing heartburn and constipation…
along with lack of energy and motivation.
She 'stitched' me back together…
I've been consciously trying to breathe deep into my belly today…
to consciously connect my upper and lower body.
We had an interesting discussion about the 'after-life'…
it helped to clarify it for me.
I told her that I believe this is my last lifetime…
she said "no, you've got one more to come"…
"but it will be a very cerebral life and you'll be surrounded by beings like you."
I have to commit to a healthier diet, water, exercise…
I start and stop all of the time…
right now it's Easter candy and ice cream in the house…
I've got to send it out of here so that it stops 'calling my name'…
I sent an email to a local yoga studio asking about classes that would be appropriate for me…
I've gotten most of my range of motion in my arms…
but my strength, especially in my shoulders, is not good.
I hope they respond soon.
I am looking forward to yoga, caring for horses, walking the dogs and gardening.
As the snow melted I have green shoots and leaves erupting from my bulbs underneath.
It was like magic.
I have a few flowers blooming today…
it is a good time to come back to life.
I'm still feeling as if I'm in a prolonged expiration…
seriously anticipating that inspiration…
any time now.
I know…patience is a virtue.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I like the idea of placing the pictures side by side…
it connects the generations.
We should be willing to let others help us…
they are not just paying you back for your parenting…
it is also a way to pay it forward.
My computer has been freezing up on me…
sorry, I sit down to blog and it won't do anything…
I have to force a quit to turn it off.
I ran my anti-virus so it should be good now.
I saw my reiki healer yesterday…
my 'belt meridian' was almost completely severed…
I've been experiencing heartburn and constipation…
along with lack of energy and motivation.
She 'stitched' me back together…
I've been consciously trying to breathe deep into my belly today…
to consciously connect my upper and lower body.
We had an interesting discussion about the 'after-life'…
it helped to clarify it for me.
I told her that I believe this is my last lifetime…
she said "no, you've got one more to come"…
"but it will be a very cerebral life and you'll be surrounded by beings like you."
I have to commit to a healthier diet, water, exercise…
I start and stop all of the time…
right now it's Easter candy and ice cream in the house…
I've got to send it out of here so that it stops 'calling my name'…
I sent an email to a local yoga studio asking about classes that would be appropriate for me…
I've gotten most of my range of motion in my arms…
but my strength, especially in my shoulders, is not good.
I hope they respond soon.
I am looking forward to yoga, caring for horses, walking the dogs and gardening.
As the snow melted I have green shoots and leaves erupting from my bulbs underneath.
It was like magic.
I have a few flowers blooming today…
it is a good time to come back to life.
I'm still feeling as if I'm in a prolonged expiration…
seriously anticipating that inspiration…
any time now.
I know…patience is a virtue.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Unity
So on Easter my daughters came for dinner. The baby wore an Easter dress I made for my oldest when she was the same age. I took some photos of them together, with the idea that maybe someday I will be able to frame them together. As a surprise, my youngest son also came. He left early to go spend time with his girlfriend's family - because Easter is very important to them. But he had dinner with us first. My oldest son and his family had a sick baby. They ended up eating split pea soup and rye bread for dinner. That is his "I miss Mom" comfort dinner. Now I want to make it too!
My youngest son called me tonight and said he wanted to come and do some chores for me, along with his brother and sister, some weekend this spring. I told him they didn't have to do that until I was old. He said, "You don't understand. I plan to take care of you when you are old."
Maybe I wasn't the worst mom in the world...
I read something by a Quaker today. She was writing about being grounded in presence. I like that. She said Friends don't have to be theists. But Friend's usually understand Light or Love or some such, and we respond to that. It is the basis of building loving relationships, the basis of respect and compassion. I have been wondering what I perceive. Sometimes I am so deep in the Light, and I have no words to describe where I am and the Unity I experience.
I am missing you. I hope all is well with you and yours.
Love and hugs from Clare
My youngest son called me tonight and said he wanted to come and do some chores for me, along with his brother and sister, some weekend this spring. I told him they didn't have to do that until I was old. He said, "You don't understand. I plan to take care of you when you are old."
Maybe I wasn't the worst mom in the world...
I read something by a Quaker today. She was writing about being grounded in presence. I like that. She said Friends don't have to be theists. But Friend's usually understand Light or Love or some such, and we respond to that. It is the basis of building loving relationships, the basis of respect and compassion. I have been wondering what I perceive. Sometimes I am so deep in the Light, and I have no words to describe where I am and the Unity I experience.
I am missing you. I hope all is well with you and yours.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Who cares?
Happy Holiday, Sister,
You put a nice spin on it - my kids don't feel obligated to spend holidays with me. And today I am at peace. Both of my daughters will be here. But I still wonder about my initial lack of detachment and what it means and how to handle it...what is authentic??
I woke up to a delicate layer of snow lining the tree outside my bedroom window. The ground is not even soft enough for the daffodils leaves to begin pushing through...no promise of spring here yet.
I also woke up to a long email from an old friend talking about Easter and resurrection and what we believe...I remember being part of a group discussing Jesus and the Bible. There's a Pendle Hill pamphlet written by someone I used to know. He identified quotes from Jesus that appear in each of the gospels, then put them together as words most likely and truly coming from the Christ. We talked about it a lot. Was he born of a virgin? Was there an immaculate conception? Was there a resurrection? In the end, I said - Who cares. Look at the words...do you want to follow this or not?
This whole - he died for your sins...if you had been a decent person this holy man would not have had to endure such suffering...message is unnecessary. What a pile of guilt to lay on people...when in truth, if we lived in a nonviolent, egalitarian society, humans would behave humanely. I think this kind of story, the spin put on it, the aspects that are emphasized - of torture and loss -- it is all part of patriarchy.
I wonder how matriarchy or - what is the third option, when neither male not female dominates? I wonder how someone who is truly human would interpret the story?
About birthday cards...every year in January I think I am going to send cards to everyone. But I never have the money to do it. I can't always get things out to my own little sector of the family. It makes me sad and guilty - but it is the truth of my life. My family has become a lot like our family of origin- not a lot of parties or celebrations...everything stays quiet, simple...and inexpensive.
We came from that. I remember over and over when we were kids..."We can not afford..." The message has become part of me.
Have a happy day,
Love and hugs from Clare
You put a nice spin on it - my kids don't feel obligated to spend holidays with me. And today I am at peace. Both of my daughters will be here. But I still wonder about my initial lack of detachment and what it means and how to handle it...what is authentic??
I woke up to a delicate layer of snow lining the tree outside my bedroom window. The ground is not even soft enough for the daffodils leaves to begin pushing through...no promise of spring here yet.
I also woke up to a long email from an old friend talking about Easter and resurrection and what we believe...I remember being part of a group discussing Jesus and the Bible. There's a Pendle Hill pamphlet written by someone I used to know. He identified quotes from Jesus that appear in each of the gospels, then put them together as words most likely and truly coming from the Christ. We talked about it a lot. Was he born of a virgin? Was there an immaculate conception? Was there a resurrection? In the end, I said - Who cares. Look at the words...do you want to follow this or not?
This whole - he died for your sins...if you had been a decent person this holy man would not have had to endure such suffering...message is unnecessary. What a pile of guilt to lay on people...when in truth, if we lived in a nonviolent, egalitarian society, humans would behave humanely. I think this kind of story, the spin put on it, the aspects that are emphasized - of torture and loss -- it is all part of patriarchy.
I wonder how matriarchy or - what is the third option, when neither male not female dominates? I wonder how someone who is truly human would interpret the story?
About birthday cards...every year in January I think I am going to send cards to everyone. But I never have the money to do it. I can't always get things out to my own little sector of the family. It makes me sad and guilty - but it is the truth of my life. My family has become a lot like our family of origin- not a lot of parties or celebrations...everything stays quiet, simple...and inexpensive.
We came from that. I remember over and over when we were kids..."We can not afford..." The message has become part of me.
Have a happy day,
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, April 4, 2015
family holidays
Clare,
It is good that you have your family around and that they don't feel "obligated" to spend holiday time with you. We still have not gotten to the point of splitting holidays between significant others's parents. My oldest chooses to spend holidays with family for the most part. There are some "command performances" but not too many. I know it will be different if they marry or have children, then suddenly the stakes are raised. I remember being frustrated that husband's family was so dominant about holiday celebrations. But, our family never really invited us…
we were welcome…
but there were no invitations or even sharing of plans ahead of times.
It's like birthdays in our family of origin…
no one made a big deal of them…
now there aren't even birthday cards sent.
I don't know when I received a birthday card from a sibling was.
A while ago I made a resolution to send a birthday card to siblings, spouses and children for a year.
The following year I received zero for my birthday…
so it's not even a reciprocal thing.
I do understand that we don't offer kindness in order to receive similar kindness…
but it was my family/social experiment.
I'm sorry that snow is persistently falling up there. We are almost free of snow in the yard. I've been out walking on non-rainy days. This week has 5/7 days with rain forecast. I've got to get my body back in shape.
I saw my plastic surgeon this week. His resident was offing several revisions they could make on my boobs…I told them they are good enough. They look normal with clothes on, they don't hurt and I have full range of motion…enough surgery for now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It is good that you have your family around and that they don't feel "obligated" to spend holiday time with you. We still have not gotten to the point of splitting holidays between significant others's parents. My oldest chooses to spend holidays with family for the most part. There are some "command performances" but not too many. I know it will be different if they marry or have children, then suddenly the stakes are raised. I remember being frustrated that husband's family was so dominant about holiday celebrations. But, our family never really invited us…
we were welcome…
but there were no invitations or even sharing of plans ahead of times.
It's like birthdays in our family of origin…
no one made a big deal of them…
now there aren't even birthday cards sent.
I don't know when I received a birthday card from a sibling was.
A while ago I made a resolution to send a birthday card to siblings, spouses and children for a year.
The following year I received zero for my birthday…
so it's not even a reciprocal thing.
I do understand that we don't offer kindness in order to receive similar kindness…
but it was my family/social experiment.
I'm sorry that snow is persistently falling up there. We are almost free of snow in the yard. I've been out walking on non-rainy days. This week has 5/7 days with rain forecast. I've got to get my body back in shape.
I saw my plastic surgeon this week. His resident was offing several revisions they could make on my boobs…I told them they are good enough. They look normal with clothes on, they don't hurt and I have full range of motion…enough surgery for now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Welcome Spring Holiday
Good morning...The eclipse is happening right now. We have heavy cloud cover, but the very beginning of the eclipse was visible here at about 5:00 am. It is 7:30, and passed dawn, so we couldn't see anything anymore, even if the clouds magically disappeared.
Instead of an eclipse, I am watching the traditional Easter snow fall gently from the sky.
I have been thinking about detachment all week, and relaxing and letting whatever happens, happen. I realize I have the hardest time with this during holidays.
Like last Christmas, spending Christmas Day without any of my children. It seemed as if Easter might be the same. Sons#2 and #3 have family obligations with wife and girlfriend. D#1 is so bogged down in work and trying desperately to finish school by May that she is incommunicado almost all the time. She is exhausted. Luckily, she asks for, and appreciates, my help with editing and with Algebra. So I get to spend some time with her. She has not responded, so I have no idea if she will come to dinner tomorrow or not. So it will be Nephew, my youngest and her little family - very casual and relaxed. Perfect.
But before the dust settled and I knew whether or not to cook, I had a really hard night. Being alone on holidays seems to prove a person has no value, no connections. I know that is not true at all, but it feels that way. And I don't want to be the aging relative that gets trotted out for holidays, then forgotten for the rest of the year. But I went deeper. I am more Animist than Christian. I have real problems with the Bible, and especially the way it is wielded as a weapon. This movement has pushed me further and further away from the indoctrination of my childhood. So Christmas and Easter do not have the same spiritual significance to me as to many others.
So why do I care? Why do I celebrate?
Christmas is the return of the Light. And Easter welcomes spring, especially years without Easter snow.
So, what would be valid celebrations for me? I'm not sure. If I could find them, though, wouldn't that be a relief for my kids? No more pressure to be present with all families for all holidays.....
For this year, though, we colored eggs yesterday, and we will have an Easter dinner tomorrow - including recipes from Grammy, Grandma and my mother-in-law.
Hope your celebration is authentic and loving.
Happy Welcome Spring Holiday!
Love and hugs from Clare
Rereading your last post,and thinking about mine - my not knowing how to change the holidays, yet knowing what is now is not authentic seems a bit like your group of depressed women. What we have is not working, but it's so hard to imagine something different. Then change - it is terrifying...I wish you much patience and wisdom. And keep sharing, because it makes me think!!
C.
Instead of an eclipse, I am watching the traditional Easter snow fall gently from the sky.
I have been thinking about detachment all week, and relaxing and letting whatever happens, happen. I realize I have the hardest time with this during holidays.
Like last Christmas, spending Christmas Day without any of my children. It seemed as if Easter might be the same. Sons#2 and #3 have family obligations with wife and girlfriend. D#1 is so bogged down in work and trying desperately to finish school by May that she is incommunicado almost all the time. She is exhausted. Luckily, she asks for, and appreciates, my help with editing and with Algebra. So I get to spend some time with her. She has not responded, so I have no idea if she will come to dinner tomorrow or not. So it will be Nephew, my youngest and her little family - very casual and relaxed. Perfect.
But before the dust settled and I knew whether or not to cook, I had a really hard night. Being alone on holidays seems to prove a person has no value, no connections. I know that is not true at all, but it feels that way. And I don't want to be the aging relative that gets trotted out for holidays, then forgotten for the rest of the year. But I went deeper. I am more Animist than Christian. I have real problems with the Bible, and especially the way it is wielded as a weapon. This movement has pushed me further and further away from the indoctrination of my childhood. So Christmas and Easter do not have the same spiritual significance to me as to many others.
So why do I care? Why do I celebrate?
Christmas is the return of the Light. And Easter welcomes spring, especially years without Easter snow.
So, what would be valid celebrations for me? I'm not sure. If I could find them, though, wouldn't that be a relief for my kids? No more pressure to be present with all families for all holidays.....
For this year, though, we colored eggs yesterday, and we will have an Easter dinner tomorrow - including recipes from Grammy, Grandma and my mother-in-law.
Hope your celebration is authentic and loving.
Happy Welcome Spring Holiday!
Love and hugs from Clare
Rereading your last post,and thinking about mine - my not knowing how to change the holidays, yet knowing what is now is not authentic seems a bit like your group of depressed women. What we have is not working, but it's so hard to imagine something different. Then change - it is terrifying...I wish you much patience and wisdom. And keep sharing, because it makes me think!!
C.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Blessings
Clare,
It has been rough since the equinox…I hope it settles after this eclipse.
I can feel an uneasiness…
I can see it in my kids…
and my clients.
No one can touch on what "it" is exactly…
but it's there.
I've been thinking about the connection through weaknesses this week. I actually discussed it with a 19 year old client yesterday…who is desperately trying to find connection with her mother.
My job is rewarding…
but very sad…
I hear story after story of how difficult life is.
I want to scream…"just pick yourself up and move on!"
But, it doesn't work that way.
It's slow, gentle, gradual change…
insights…
testing the waters…
running back because change is scary.
I have several 30-something women…unmarried…unemployed…and seriously depressed.
They have every excuse not to eat a healthy diet, exercise, drink water, and sleep on a regular schedule…and none see the value of getting work. I cannot imagine sitting doing nothing for 10 -14 hours each day- and not feeling depressed. But, they are convinced the answer lies outside of them. They are convinced that the depression is stronger than they are. The are powerless because they choose to let the depression have that power over them. I should open a camp for them. Get them up, moving, engaged…alive again.
My house is quiet. Both boys are asleep still. I love this time. I can imagine that life is easy and perfect. Then they wake up and the challenges begin. I want to run away sometimes…but feel as if I have no choice but to stay and deal with each challenge. I need to do that with a lighter heart- one filled with peace.
The girls will be home this weekend: D#1 will arrive tonight, D#2 only on Sunday- she's involved in a show. At least we will spend Easter together. My boys laughed at me last week because I haven't planned Easter. They told me I really am a Quaker because, in the past, there would have been weeks of preparation and planning. This year I went to the Rite-Aid and bought a hand-basket of assorted candy- it's all going into one basket on the island to share. I guess I'll hide Easter baskets again when I have grandchildren. For now, it's good to be free of those expectations.
Here's to one more day of this astrological mayhem!
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It has been rough since the equinox…I hope it settles after this eclipse.
I can feel an uneasiness…
I can see it in my kids…
and my clients.
No one can touch on what "it" is exactly…
but it's there.
I've been thinking about the connection through weaknesses this week. I actually discussed it with a 19 year old client yesterday…who is desperately trying to find connection with her mother.
My job is rewarding…
but very sad…
I hear story after story of how difficult life is.
I want to scream…"just pick yourself up and move on!"
But, it doesn't work that way.
It's slow, gentle, gradual change…
insights…
testing the waters…
running back because change is scary.
I have several 30-something women…unmarried…unemployed…and seriously depressed.
They have every excuse not to eat a healthy diet, exercise, drink water, and sleep on a regular schedule…and none see the value of getting work. I cannot imagine sitting doing nothing for 10 -14 hours each day- and not feeling depressed. But, they are convinced the answer lies outside of them. They are convinced that the depression is stronger than they are. The are powerless because they choose to let the depression have that power over them. I should open a camp for them. Get them up, moving, engaged…alive again.
My house is quiet. Both boys are asleep still. I love this time. I can imagine that life is easy and perfect. Then they wake up and the challenges begin. I want to run away sometimes…but feel as if I have no choice but to stay and deal with each challenge. I need to do that with a lighter heart- one filled with peace.
The girls will be home this weekend: D#1 will arrive tonight, D#2 only on Sunday- she's involved in a show. At least we will spend Easter together. My boys laughed at me last week because I haven't planned Easter. They told me I really am a Quaker because, in the past, there would have been weeks of preparation and planning. This year I went to the Rite-Aid and bought a hand-basket of assorted candy- it's all going into one basket on the island to share. I guess I'll hide Easter baskets again when I have grandchildren. For now, it's good to be free of those expectations.
Here's to one more day of this astrological mayhem!
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
eclipse dreams??
Another dreamy night. I am definitely working out something.
Last night, I worked at a department store, K-Mart, maybe.
I couldn't tell if I was real, or an observer.
But we began a program of walking up and shaking hands with every person who did something kind or helpful. The people would look at us like we were idiots. And it did feel like elementary school - kind of childish and simple. But, as I watched, people would change. There would be the small smile. Then they did something else kind. By the end of the dream, everyone was glowingly happy.
Seems important.
Then I can't tell if I was dreaming, or in that place between sleep and awake where stories open out. I was inspired by someone I spoke to who will be going to India. They will take a lot of donated clothes to an orphanage they support. I heard a lot of stories of poverty.
I dreamed I was in India and a little girl, about 3 years old, came to me, and clung to me. I didn't know her, recognize her, expect her. But she wanted me. I started keeping her with me, in my arms, all the time. I got a tub of water, and was bathing her, and I had to ask someone to cut her hair, because I saw head lice. I saturated her hair in oil to kill the critters. As I was taking care of her, bathing her, another girl, perhaps a year younger, climbed on my lap. So I bathed her too. I had both of them in my hotel room, and I was thinking...
If I show them love and support for as long as I am here - is that enough? Will their lives be worse after I leave? I was looking into adoption when I awoke...
Eclipse tomorrow!!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Last night, I worked at a department store, K-Mart, maybe.
I couldn't tell if I was real, or an observer.
But we began a program of walking up and shaking hands with every person who did something kind or helpful. The people would look at us like we were idiots. And it did feel like elementary school - kind of childish and simple. But, as I watched, people would change. There would be the small smile. Then they did something else kind. By the end of the dream, everyone was glowingly happy.
Seems important.
Then I can't tell if I was dreaming, or in that place between sleep and awake where stories open out. I was inspired by someone I spoke to who will be going to India. They will take a lot of donated clothes to an orphanage they support. I heard a lot of stories of poverty.
I dreamed I was in India and a little girl, about 3 years old, came to me, and clung to me. I didn't know her, recognize her, expect her. But she wanted me. I started keeping her with me, in my arms, all the time. I got a tub of water, and was bathing her, and I had to ask someone to cut her hair, because I saw head lice. I saturated her hair in oil to kill the critters. As I was taking care of her, bathing her, another girl, perhaps a year younger, climbed on my lap. So I bathed her too. I had both of them in my hotel room, and I was thinking...
If I show them love and support for as long as I am here - is that enough? Will their lives be worse after I leave? I was looking into adoption when I awoke...
Eclipse tomorrow!!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Thursday, April 2, 2015
fruits
Hi Maggie,
I had a meeting here last night, which meant undoing the daily toddler-tornado dismantling of my house. And I'm still tired...
Congratulations to Daughter#1. If she dreams of grad school, then I am so happy she realized this! Good going!!
We are all bitchy sometimes. We all lose control and regret what came out of our mouths! Is your son doing any better this week? Is he following through on the homework, the commitment...
I read that the eclipse on Saturday will be difficult, then life will get easier. In the meantime, expect changes.
We were talking about Friends with tenuous connections to their Meetings last night. Someone thought perhaps people with similar gifts are drawn together, then cliques form. I repeated you repeating your Buddhist leader from last weekend...we don't bond over strengths, we bond over our weaknesses. The Friend looked at me for a moment, then started laughing.
I still don't know how to interpret this - this bonding through our weaknesses. But I am still thinking!
There was one other thing I heard last night that has stayed with me. We were talking about the testimonies, the Quaker SPICEs. When these are treated as dogma, we break down, lose our way. We should consider them the fruits of seeking the inward Light.
Fruits.
I like that. I pulled that close to my ehart and will be considering it.
I took off tomorrow. I did that because so many people in the world do not work on Good Friday, so my services are not needed. It turned out to be perfect, since I am still dragging from these viruses. A little extra rest will be good for me.
I talked to my oldest son and his fam. They said, "We need you to come out. We need to see you every year." It filled my heart. Of course, I am a selfish Mima...I would like to see them every day...every week...
Having moments of holiday drama in my mind. Maybe I'll explore that here this weekend.
Love and hugs,
Clare
I had a meeting here last night, which meant undoing the daily toddler-tornado dismantling of my house. And I'm still tired...
Congratulations to Daughter#1. If she dreams of grad school, then I am so happy she realized this! Good going!!
We are all bitchy sometimes. We all lose control and regret what came out of our mouths! Is your son doing any better this week? Is he following through on the homework, the commitment...
I read that the eclipse on Saturday will be difficult, then life will get easier. In the meantime, expect changes.
We were talking about Friends with tenuous connections to their Meetings last night. Someone thought perhaps people with similar gifts are drawn together, then cliques form. I repeated you repeating your Buddhist leader from last weekend...we don't bond over strengths, we bond over our weaknesses. The Friend looked at me for a moment, then started laughing.
I still don't know how to interpret this - this bonding through our weaknesses. But I am still thinking!
There was one other thing I heard last night that has stayed with me. We were talking about the testimonies, the Quaker SPICEs. When these are treated as dogma, we break down, lose our way. We should consider them the fruits of seeking the inward Light.
Fruits.
I like that. I pulled that close to my ehart and will be considering it.
I took off tomorrow. I did that because so many people in the world do not work on Good Friday, so my services are not needed. It turned out to be perfect, since I am still dragging from these viruses. A little extra rest will be good for me.
I talked to my oldest son and his fam. They said, "We need you to come out. We need to see you every year." It filled my heart. Of course, I am a selfish Mima...I would like to see them every day...every week...
Having moments of holiday drama in my mind. Maybe I'll explore that here this weekend.
Love and hugs,
Clare
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