stagnation

I have always loved alone time.  It probably comes from being raised in a house where we could never be alone, having so many roommates at school, then having a flock of children.  After my marriage ended, their dad saw the kids a couple times a year.  We mediated an agreement that said he could have them as often as he liked.  He liked - maybe twice a year.  He used to have a party every August, and for that long weekend he wanted them all at once, so he could show them off.  I remember that after they left, and I was alone with just the animals, I would sob  for what seemed like forever.  Then I would relax into the silence and find my center.  Being a single parent was so hard, and I was always on, never a break.  And I had to make so many decisions alone, with no one to talk to.  After the party weekend, they would all come home, tense - and one of them would cry, and then normalcy would be restored.

I remember another time when a roommate was furious with me because I arranged to spend my birthday alone.  She bought an ice-cream cake and invited a few people over.  No one warned me...and of course, I didn't mention my plans.

My mind is wandering a bit tonight.  I read your post and the word that jumped out and grabbed me by the throat is stagnation.

Stagnation...

...back in the swamp, aren't we.  Back here where the water doesn't flow so nothing changes or cleanses.  Just thinking about water...about the gentle lap of the ocean tide, of the rush of the streams after spring melt, of floods destroying everything in their path.  Which would I prefer?  The answer that comes to mind is - whichever I can control.  Ah, stuck in yellow chakra.  I was so sure I was getting into my heart and having faith in my life and in this beautiful universe.  But this week's thoughts have made me see, I am still stuck in yellow.  Will it take a flood to cleanse me?

I think all it takes is perseverance - chip away at the dams that contain the swamp and little by little the dank fluid will drain away.  I think this is what I have been doing this year.  Now I am ankle deep rather than thigh high in sludge...on a good day, anyway!  Or else it takes a flood, but I guess I haven't had that kind of weather this year.

I may be ankle deep, or maybe knee deep, whatever my level, I am still in a little too deep to see how to get out.  I am handling it better, but I'm still here, I think.

Mudbathing - to draw out toxins...Clare