Love from Clare

Be careful what you wish for, darling.  You know what they say - you just might get it!  Last year we were raw because our brother almost succeeded in killing himself.  We were all open for a short time, and it seemed like we were going to burst forward, together, as a family.  Instead.most of us buried our heads in the business and separatedness of the lives we have so carefully created.  It will take another tragedy, or near miss, to open us again.  But, not everyone burrowed back into the mundane and hid from the pain.  We found each other, both willing to try on vulnerability.

Another image from birthing is two steps forward, one step back.  We have breakthroughs, we settle back and process, preparing for another breakthough.   And we can't program the breakthroughs.  They just happen when our Spirits are ready. 

I have been reading about, and feeling, what is happening to our species, to our planet.  I keep coming back to - we have to fall in love.  We have to fall in love with each other, with the trees, with the planet.  If we simply fall in love everything will heal.  We will treat each other and all beings as our lovers, in that pink cloud time of closeness and being open to possibilities.  We have to see each other with delight...

I don't think I can fall in love with myself.  So many advisors say this is the place to start.  But I am so wounded, I don't think it is possible.  Trying, alone, leaves me alone and silent, unworthy in the corner.  Yet they tell me I am not ready to love another until I love myself.  I have noticed that when someone sees something cool in me, then I see it in myself.  I need others to serve as my mirror, to lead me to love myself...to teach me to love myself.  This was mom's job, but she was too wounded and exhausted to do it.  And I certainly didn't do a good enough job with my beloved children.  But it's never too late!   And so I think my job is to remind you of how amazing you are.

You do know you are amazing, don't you?  Physically, you are one of the healthiest, most vibrant women I know.  You look 10, 15, 20 years younger than your chronological age.  You are also one of the brightest people I know. When someone talks to you, you gently go right to the core of what is needed to be said.  And your laughter is infectious!  Your intelligence is a sensitive, creative intelligence. You are such a gift!!!

You know, I see us each using all three ways of leading others, and each other towards enlightenment.  We have both worked alone - going ahead of others and showing the way.  You decided to be a physician, even though you came from our background - poor, told it was impossible and besides we weren't good enough.  You said F*** that and did it anyway.  I went ahead with my lifestyle choices - I certainly do things others won't - homebirthing, extended breastfeeding, homeschooling, living in an off-the-grid hand-built cabin for a decade, taking responsibility for my own health...I see us walking side by side as sisters and peers, fellow veterans of the war of alcoholism and family abuse - you know you can hold my hand whenever you need me.  And as mothers, we both shepherd our children.  I feel like a border collie with mine, some days!!!

So I am exhuming a Viking.  I'll let you know what develops!  Have fun in school!

Love from Clare