We never let ourselves be stripped of anything, but it was stripped nonetheless, when we were too young to have any power or understanding. Now we are locked tightly to avoid feeling that pain again...
I saw a quote recently that basically said the speaker preferred people who had been through bad experiences, had suffered. These people were kinder. It makes me think of the poem - of having pain soften us for kindness - which is a form of love.
I am struggling right now. I feel like I am slipping into a depression, and I can't find anything to grab hold of to stop myself. I am feeling sad and invisible.
A lot of it has to do with having my daughter back home and pregnant. She will be working weekends, because that is when I am off. But there is no sense of gratitude and awe that someone would give her their only free time. There is only her sense that this is to be expected. I don't feel like a real person to her.
And I wonder if I am sad because I will never have another baby. I will always be second string, relief pitcher who does as ordered...but I also remember these feelings when I was pregnant the first time - probably at about the same stage as she is now. I slipped into a depression, I think because on a deep, spiritual level I knew I was in it alone, I knew I was married to an alcoholic, and because I was overwhelmed at accepting responsibility for the next 18 years. It's amazing what we don't know when we are young. My baby is 32, and I am not ready to be finished!
I can't tell if I am being a big baby or if I am reliving past hurts or if I am dreading the future. My daughter had an ultrasound yesterday and found out she will have a girl. I asked her if she wanted to go get Chinese take-out and have dinner together to celebrate. She said of course. But then she spent the afternoon with the neighbor - she has so much compassion for the neighbor who spend time alone - and brought home a friend, who I love, but...and she had two hours, quick, before she went and brought another friend - by the way Mom, I'm bringing people home for the night. I was getting dressed and she asked if we all wanted to eat there or bring it home. And suddenly I just didn't want to go. I waffled and backed out.
I have so many lingering feelings about her just moving her boyfriend in last summer, not officially so it was hard to talk about it. And they had that attitude of entitlement combined with resentment which sort of made me a stranger in my own home. Now she's just back. And my kids know they can all come back any time - ever - for any reason, but there's no sense of gratitude.
And I think I am going to disappear into her life. I just want to hide and cry and sleep and not speak at all. I recognize this pattern. I can't think, can't stop thinking, can't muster myself to do any more than I have to...one cool thing is that I am not hungry. Depression usually triggers eating. But there are no trigger foods here, and so I am forgetting to eat. Maybe I'll become like S#4 who disappears into her bones when her life is especially difficult.
So I have to make a list of the things I have to do and force myself to do them...and wait for this to pass. It always does...
I had an empty nest for almost two months. I was enjoying the solitude and reorganizing my life. Maybe I'm mourning not being able to move on. But I do believe that extended family should live together or at least nearby...but it's the working together, being family, being community that is missing.
Love, Clare
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