don't push too early

Thank you for worrying about me.  I feel trapped in my life and I don't quite know how to reach out or to get out.  I know I will survive, though.  And there is a hopefulness that never dies inside me, something that believes it will get better.  Is that part of my process, though, a relic of our young lives, the thought that keeps me trapped?  Do I believe in a rescuer still?  I think I plan to rescue myself, but it could be my lie that allows me to just sit here and wallow?

Creating chaos - I know chaos.  We are long-time companions.  I have always called it creating drama.  I can usually tell when someone is from an alcoholic family.  When life is calm and going smoothly, and there's time to think and feel, they get nervous.  Then they create a drama to distract themselves. I watch the patterns, see the allies, the enemies - ever-changing, depending on the drama-of-the-month.   I know there is great comfort in creating the pain of childhood, that soothing, comfortable discomfort.  Aaaaah.

I never thought about keeping too busy as a form of drama, but yeah, that's me.  I have traditionally said yes to any request to save the world.  And it has been fun, though at times exhausting.  But I don't have a car now.  And so it has slowed me down, and isolated me. It has forced me to ask for help and to do without.  I can't decide if this is a lesson from the universe or if I am just screwing myself.

Keeping too busy is also part of the pattern of Me, last.  I will take care of everyone and everything else.  If there's any time, money, energy left - I take care of me.   Luckily we live in a culture that tells me I am noble because of this!  Not only do I get to avoid being vulnerable and real, I get praised.

I had one thought when you wrote that:  I have come to realize that while the education has opened up avenues of understanding that I wouldn't have accessed so easily, it is a distraction from the real work that I have to do.  Perhaps you should also consider that school has given you the language to do the work.  Many times you had access to just the right information or insight to push us both forward.  We are both doing the work in our own time. Our general movement has been forward, every since we decided to go forward.  Remember that pushing too early or too hard damages us.  We rip.  It hurts!  Don't forget to praise yourself.  I know that is so much more difficult than berating yourself.

What classes are you taking this semester?  I hope it is challenging and exciting.

I love you,

Clare