shame again...

Hi Maggie,

I'm not really down, although I really appreciate your consideration. Thank you!  I feel more interest, like I need to understand and analyze the dynamics of the way we pass alcoholism down the line.  Your husband's friend's family is a glaring example. This passes on every conceivable level - habits, and physical addiction, and numbing psychological pain...it's psychic,generational...and on and on. It's easy to see in someone else's family, and so easy to be blind to in one's own family.

Just reread...and I have to admit I missed your compliment at the bottom. I am so pretty. I didn't even see that!  Talk about having a block!!

I read an article today that sparked some thoughts about shame.

http://veganstrategist.org/2015/10/05/shaming-vegans-harms-animals-melanie-joy/

The author states that the flip side of shame is grandiosity.  I thought about that quite a while before I decided that the flip side of shame is really deeper shame.  We use grandiosity to pretend, to hide, to try to make others believe we have nothing to be ashamed of...

The people who used shame to control us, were pulling on their adult costume, and being bigger, stronger, better by making little people smaller and worth less.  They did it to us because someone did it to them. I remember doing it to you, my siblings.  I don't know if I did it to my children. I tried not to, but that doesn't mean I didn't succeed.  And besides, when I was yelling, that was demeaning - and kids always think things are their fault. So, I did it...

I feel a bit lost in the swamp right this minute...like I don't have an oar, and I can't move, much less move forward.

But in reality, another part of me is on shore, trying to figure out how to rescue myself.  This is a bit of a dissociative process!

The author said that the grandiose among us use shame to boost ego and to manipulate others.  Maybe...on one level. But really, I think the grandiose are simply discharging pain, and puking it on the most vulnerable among us.  Then we need to develop a sense of righteousness, agan to avoid our own pain.

The end was what hit me hardest though, and I agree with the author 100%,  People who fear making mistakes do nothing...That is me.

So how do I find my vulnerable self, who has been in hiding ever since I discovered I'm not pretty? It is amazing that our vulnerable self is our most powerful self.  That is the part that will take a risk, step into the unknown. And shame takes it from us so easily and so young.

Many times I have had the thought that this is harder than we thought.  When we were on the other side, preparing for birth, we thought we were strong enough to step into generations of sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse,and the accompanying addictions to numb all that pain.  But, damn, this is so much harder than I thought it would be...

Gonna paddle around in the swamp (at least I'm in a canoe, now, rather than doing the doggie paddle!) and see what else I can dredge up and polish.

Love and hugs from Clare