I'm BAAAD

Hi Maggie,

Just remember, we have been taught to be ashamed of our nakedness.  If anyone accidentally catches a glimpse of me, I am mortified. I am humiliated. The little nun who lives on my shoulder lets me know how BAAAAD I really am.  I have to hide from that person for a long time - until they have forgotten - time has blurred the image.  Until they have forgotten how BAAAAAD I am.  Until they have seen someone else naked, and I have faded.  Then maybe, just maybe, I'll reemerge.  Maybe.

This is true of physical nudity, as well as emotional or psychological nudity. 

I think what the initial violation took from us is the understanding that we are most loveable when we are naked...when we are absolutely vulnerable and open.

Maybe we are afraid of being that beautiful.  Aha - of course we are, because when we were that open and afraid, someone raped us on some level - again, physically, emotionally, psychologically or even  psychically.

God, I even do it with pictures. I see a photo of myself, and I always react with revulsion.  I hate myself. I hate the way I look. It's never good. It's never good enough. I put the picture away. Then later, after I have created a distance, I can look at it, sort of accept it - or maybe come to terms with it.

According to Khalil, we are not ready to accept the pain of breaking the shell that encloses our understanding.  My understanding is that I am not good enough and not very loveable.  If I break out of that, and see my life is a lie --- can I bear the pain? I think of the pain of warming cold fingers or toes after a romp in to snow.  It really hurts!!

How has cancer functioned in your life?  It seems, from the outside, that it was something else, it became a central point, and now?  Where is cancer in your life?

Just wondering.

We also need to find ways to prevent cancer...like forcing Monsanto to take financial responsibility for everyone who has cancer because of their product.  If corporations have to  do this, the world would be cleaned up quickly. Cancer becomes a political fight. 

We also need to look at the role of processed foods, and of crap in the air and water.  They need to take responsibility for creating these products, and we need to take responsibility for buying them...

Today, we jumped in a leaf pile.  At first I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, when he was faking jollity and overacting. But then she invited me to fall in our leaf pile, and then the dog jumped in my face, and the laughter became true. 

Daily miracles...one of which is - I am a bit itchy from leaves in my clothes.  Shower time!

Love and hugs from Clare