honor and privilege

Clare,

We are not BAAAAD…
we've been programmed to think BAAAD…
to be controlled.
I actually like seeing pictures of myself…
not in a vain way…
well, maybe in a vain way…
but I love pictures that show me with others…
smiling with other people…
it makes me feel more connected- or that the connection is more real because it's been documented…
I don't know.

What place does cancer hold for me now?
Good question.
Cancer sits in the back of my mind…
nudging me with every new ache, pain, cough, etc…
it reminds me that once you're a breast cancer patient, you'll always be a breast cancer patient.
The number 1 risk for breast cancer is having a previous breast cancer…
I know that…
it is a fact of my life.
But, on a day to day basis I don't ruminate about it…
the fear comes and goes as the pain or change comes and goes.

Last night was interesting. I had a script prepared…
6 pages of notes…
a chronology of my life with breast cancer and the lessons I've learned along the way.
I started with the beginning quote from A Tale of Two Cities…
as I woke up with that in my mind yesterday morning.
Then I started to talk about Aunt Sissy…
I started to tell them about her beauty and joyful energy…
she took me to her house several times when I was very young…
we played the game Life…

and then I dropped the script and just spoke from my heart.

I spoke for almost 30 minutes…
I'm not sure what I said exactly…
I was speaking from the spirit…
as in Meeting…
I spent most of the time looking at the people attending…
making eye contact…
many were crying…
and then laughing...
I couldn't backtrack to remember what I had said to make them cry or laugh…
I just spoke from my heart…
I was in the flow.
At the end I shared a beautiful note written to me by our cousin who also is fighting breast cancer…
it was beautiful…
it was vulnerable…
it touched my heart deeply.

After I finished people hugged me and thanked me for my honesty.
I still have no idea what I really said…
because I opened myself to the spirit to move through me.
I was asked if I could be interviewed, if I would do more public speaking, and told that I should really consider speaking professionally.
Husband said he wishes he had filmed it…
"It would go viral" was his comment.
Damn I wish I had paid more attention to my words…
but I got out of the way and let the words flow…
what a great experience.
I'm glad I did it.
What an honor and privilege to offer my perspective.

Today I cried with a woman, early dementia, who has had horrific relationship…
we mapped her relationships over the years…
beginning with her parents.
The men who were nice she dumped…
"I'm worthless, why would they want me."
Those who treated her with disrespect she clung too…
more and more with each bad relationship.
I tried to tell her that she is infinitely valuable…
point out strength…
she doesn't buy into my reasoning…
voices from the past…
particularly childhood voices…
are very powerful.
I see so many people with similar self-images…
marred from years of abuse, chaos, disrespect…
it is heartbreaking...
but, it is an honor and privilege to know women such as this.

I did not go to an interview this past Monday for a school social work position because I cannot bear to leave some of these clients. This work is too important. That position would pay 4 times what I make now…
some things are simply worth more than money.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie