perfect

Hi Maggie,

You are perfect!  It sounded exactly like when you sing, or when you let a song move through you.  You are a beautiful channel. And you trust. When you are in front of the public, you obviously know exactly how to get into your heart chakra and open up.

It's probably part of the perfection that you don't know what you said. The same water never flows past the same spot twice. You will never recreate what happened last night. If you try, it will not be authentic. But you will be able to recreate opening yourself and allowing the appropriate message to flow through you.

I know it's their message that I am BAAAAD.  I know it is control...I know it is a lie. But there are layers upon hidden layers of indoctrination. I don't even know where to look for some of the messages hiding in my being.

If all you had to do was say,"Hey, they lied. You're really beautiful.  You are enough."

And I said "Okay" and believed it - you, my dear, would not have a job!

I don't remember ever liking pictures of myself, until years later. And then my attitude is generally,  "I wasn't as bad as I thought."

You are often smiling in pictures, front and center, seeming to have a good time. I am the odd one lurking in the back, looking dead, or suspicious, maybe.  I'm usually dreading it, because I know it is gonna look bad.

I remember Mom saying the same thing. She found out as an adult, that someone had a crush on her when they were teens. She was so shocked that someone could think she was special or beautiful.  Looking back, she thought - well, maybe she wasn't so bad.

One time my oldest and I were talking, and she told me she wished that I had prepared her for the fact that men were going to treat her differently because of the way she looked. That men were only going to value the way she looked.  That men would lie to get her to bond with them - to date them, to be seen with them.

I was shocked.  And when I found words, I pointed out that I could not teach her for what I did not know.

It is such a waste.

I'm beginning to learn to cook without dairy products. I am so used to throwing cheese into most dishes.  I avoided it tonight. I did not buy cheese, butter or yogurt at the grocery store today.  I think going without cheese will be harder than going without chicken...

Back to my knitting...

Sending love and hugs,

Clare