numbless

How are you today, Sister?

I hope you railed at the universe for a few minutes.

I hope you remember, that even though this young man may never be your foster son, it doesn't mean that you are not/will not have a positive effect on him. And even change his life, maybe.  It is such a gift to know someone wanted you, even if you said no...someone asked. Someone noticed.

The  laying down of meeting decision is to ask for some insight into the process from a very seasoned Friend, then see how this meeting is going about the process. Then maybe lovingly intervene. I just have the sense we will know how to move forward once we understand the process.

I am just plain tired today.  When the alarm went off this morning,my brain whined...Nooooo, not yet.  And I had to pry my eyes open.  I had dogs dancing at my feet, and it was irritating me.  I wasn't brilliant a work.

Sigh...

We had two really grey, cold, windy, rainy days - dismal days.  I didn't go outside at all.  Not getting out, not getting my feet on the Earth is depressing. And today I felt so tired...maybe depressed...that I just could not get out the door. It is such a cycle.  I don't go out and get depressed. I am depressed and so I don't go out.

Mostly I am tired.

I had pizza yesterday. That was my first cheese since I stopped - was it a week, a week and a half ago?  It felt heavy inside me.  But my youngest brought pizza so I would not have to cook.  And the break was very appreciated.

It has been really hard to figure out how to cook without cheese.  When I think about menus, and dishes I want to try, cheese just seems like it should be part of it.  So I have been making meals which include grains and beans and a lot of vegetables.  It has been odd getting used to the way it feels. It feels different...probably because it digests faster or more efficiently.  I've actually felt hungry a few times. I usually don't. I usually eat because it is time. I have a specific break during work hours, for instance. If I don't eat then, I have to wait a very long time.

So maybe this is good for me. I mean I noticed hunger. I am noticing my body and signals it is sending.  That's new.  And maybe the fact that I am consciously trying to avoid feeding on pain, it may mean the pain is leaking away from me.  That could mean I don't need to numb as much as usual...Maybe?

Halloween is tomorrow. Do you have plans?

Love and hugs from Clare