mid-nights

Hi Maggie,

How are you. love? Did you get through the funerals and the loss of the horse?  I imagine you are feeling rough and open.  When an animal dies, I always feel something wide - like they rip our souls open. When it's a person, I feel more folded in on myself, with grief...You may be both at once. All twisted with emotion.  I'm holding you in the Light, my dear sister.

I have been interacting, virtually, more with S#5, and so I have been updated about S#4's surgery.  And S#3 sent me a few messages today, so I know everything went well, and S#4 is home.

I had a strange thought.  I was all mad again, like I was with your surgery. Hospitals send people home too soon. I wondered if part of the maternity leave until 6 weeks in the US is to teach us that we aren't worth care. I wonder if that is why we are so complacent about going home so soon after major surgery...

My old dog woke me up at 2:45, because she wanted to go out.  Her kidneys have been failing, and she just goes sometimes - so out is good.  I couldn't go back to sleep for two hours. My alarm rang  15 minutes later. Needless to say, I was tired today.

But, she woke me from a dream, and so I remembered it.  I was in a big house with our family of origin, as well as my family.  I overslept for work, and couldn't get my computer turned on.  It kept changing sizes, and at one point there were about a dozen small screen, hinged together like picture frames.  I kept reassuring myself, that I really never miss work.  There was so much noise.  I couldn't find a quiet place to work.  I was feeling frustrated and confused, so I walked away.

I was with you and S#3.  We each had a toy.  Mine was some sort of stuffed animal.  Yours was a classic baby doll wearing a maroon dress.  We were organizing some kind of game, and as the dog woke me up, you told me that if I made you some new doll clothes, you would play with me...

For the two hours that I lay awake, I sent love to family members, and let my mind wander.  I remembered an old friend - we used to be close. He is very open about being gay, and in a long term relationship. We were involved with some activism and were spending a lot of time together.  For some reason, we were with one of my closest friends one night - who was also friends with him and his partner, and she made a comment that I had a crush on him. I remember being shocked. I never said I had a crush on him.  I never talked to her about any of my feelings for him, because they were pretty much like my feelings for her.

He said, "I hope that isn't true."

I was still shocked, wracking my brain for why she said that...

The reason I liked him so much was because I had no crush on him at all.  I just liked him. I felt absolutely safe with him.  That was partly because of his personality, but also - because I had no romantic feelings.

We pretty much drifted apart after that...

And for some reason, it all came back in the dark last night. I wondered about men and women being friends, and about relationships being misunderstood.  I wondered about the slow way I analyze and react. I retreat, and think, and often miss my moment. I wondered whether we ever get out of middle school humiliation...

If way ever opens, I will say something.But I rarely see him anymore. And he is too kind and discrete to ever ask...

Being haunted in the middle of the night, all because of my old dog.

Love and hugs from Clare