rage ride

Hi Maggie,

I had to do a quick search of EMDR.  I have an idea of what it is.

 And, I do know the aha!  And it peels back a little of the old layers. But there are so many f***ing layers.  I get rid of something, I relax, and there's something new...or another layer of the same old/same old.  I remember you wrote something once about circling round and round the same thing, seeing it with a different perspective each time. But, I get so tired of the same issues over and over again.

I think I'm okay.  I think I've made progress, but then I trip in the same swamp again.

If I take the long perspective, and compare me to me decades ago, I have made remarkable progress.  But there's still so far to go, and the trudging can be exhausting.

The stuff we carry...they stuff we have been burdened with - it's too much some days...

While reading your description of your baby's behavior, I was reminded of the five steps of grief.  He also seems to go through specific steps, then cycles through again - trapped on a merry-go-round.  I wonder if there are a similar five steps - the five steps of rage, or the five steps of being thwarted.  I wonder if he recognized those steps, if he could step off the rage-ride.

I have a meeting here tomorrow night.  I am becoming so aware of my clutter.  I can't stand it, but don't know what to do with it.  I think, maybe, this awareness ties in with other physical changes, changes in my body.

Tired, and not ready for company...

Love and hugs from Clare