numbless

How are you today, Sister?

I hope you railed at the universe for a few minutes.

I hope you remember, that even though this young man may never be your foster son, it doesn't mean that you are not/will not have a positive effect on him. And even change his life, maybe.  It is such a gift to know someone wanted you, even if you said no...someone asked. Someone noticed.

The  laying down of meeting decision is to ask for some insight into the process from a very seasoned Friend, then see how this meeting is going about the process. Then maybe lovingly intervene. I just have the sense we will know how to move forward once we understand the process.

I am just plain tired today.  When the alarm went off this morning,my brain whined...Nooooo, not yet.  And I had to pry my eyes open.  I had dogs dancing at my feet, and it was irritating me.  I wasn't brilliant a work.

Sigh...

We had two really grey, cold, windy, rainy days - dismal days.  I didn't go outside at all.  Not getting out, not getting my feet on the Earth is depressing. And today I felt so tired...maybe depressed...that I just could not get out the door. It is such a cycle.  I don't go out and get depressed. I am depressed and so I don't go out.

Mostly I am tired.

I had pizza yesterday. That was my first cheese since I stopped - was it a week, a week and a half ago?  It felt heavy inside me.  But my youngest brought pizza so I would not have to cook.  And the break was very appreciated.

It has been really hard to figure out how to cook without cheese.  When I think about menus, and dishes I want to try, cheese just seems like it should be part of it.  So I have been making meals which include grains and beans and a lot of vegetables.  It has been odd getting used to the way it feels. It feels different...probably because it digests faster or more efficiently.  I've actually felt hungry a few times. I usually don't. I usually eat because it is time. I have a specific break during work hours, for instance. If I don't eat then, I have to wait a very long time.

So maybe this is good for me. I mean I noticed hunger. I am noticing my body and signals it is sending.  That's new.  And maybe the fact that I am consciously trying to avoid feeding on pain, it may mean the pain is leaking away from me.  That could mean I don't need to numb as much as usual...Maybe?

Halloween is tomorrow. Do you have plans?

Love and hugs from Clare

To be, or not to be...

Clare,

What a sad question…

whether or not to put down a Meeting…

I am not sure I'd want to be part of that discussion…

but then again I wouldn't want to be left out either.

What was decided?

I cried to day at work.

My young man…

the potential foster son was in.

He has come to the conclusion that the step-grandmother, supposed to take he and his brother into her home, doesn't really want to…

they're doing it out of obligation.

He is devastated…

but putting on a brave face…

talking about going west once he is able to begin a life of his own.

He is amazing…

he disappears into writing when things get tough for him…

he creates complex stories and plots…

all with a hero who saves someone.

He is waiting for a hero to save him.

Last visit I re-iterated that my offer to foster him still stands.

He did not ask today.

He still cannot give up on family…

To be, or not to be…family.

I mentioned to husband that we need to talk about this again…

he's been quietly happy that he did not choose to come to our house…

he's afraid of the negative influences of our sons on this young man.

I'm more afraid of him going through his entire childhood with no one to trust and no one to nurture him…

I gave this young man a book, The Alchemist. I hope that he reads it and finds parallels to his life…teachers entering and leaving his journey…

it is very much this young man's experience.

I appreciate your visual of me running into the woods to release my anger. I may just do that.

My older son is making some remarkable growth.

He's doing his school work online.

He's looking at community college for the spring semester.

He's stopped smoking.

He's working almost every day.

He has matured so much in the past 6 months.

Amazing…

I hope that you get some good sleep tonight…

until the alarm wakes you.

Love and Light beautiful sister,

Maggie

shaking, or maybe quaking

Hi Maggie,

I have a delightful vision of you stomping around, being just plain mad at the world.  I think you should go up the mountain across the way and have a royal tantrum.  Get it all out and let the trees absorb it!!

It's a Super Full Moon. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it seems to be making everything more intense.

I am mostly tired. I can't seem to shake off the exhaustion. Yet, I woke up at 4:00 am just laid there, awake, waiting for the alarm to go off, being a bit annoyed with my body - because, for crying out loud, it was the perfect time to sleep.

I had a committee meeting here last night and we talked about the process of laying down a meeting. The meeting in question was the first meeting I attended, the meeting I joined.  And when I joined with it, it was a joined meeting.  When I went to Meeting there was Light. I could see the Light. It was physically present, and Friends were there in the Light.  I learned Meeting for worship happens - in the Light.

And as much as I love my current meeting, I never know where everyone else is. I can't find the Light.  I can't find them, even though I know they are in the room with me.

But most of the founding Friends from my first meeting have passed on. The few Friends who are left do not have unity...on anything, much less on laying down the meeting.

I found, as we discussed this, I was cold and shaking and my heart was wide open.  I was afraid I was going to weep.

I was shocked by the depth of my emotion.

I actually asked if, as a Friend, I could call on those beloved old Friends who passed on, or if that was being just a little too Catholic.  One Friend, who is gentle and wise, advised me to do what felt right.

And when I was shaking, she asked, "What is your body telling you?"

I could only shake my head.  I am not in touch enough with my body to know what it is trying to tell me.

But it is an interesting idea, and it ties in with what you have been sharing. Information, or memory or maybe wisdom is stored in our body. So, how do we learn to listen?  How do we trust what we perceive?

Exhausted, so I'm heading to bed...

Love and hugs from Clare

Just pissed

Clare,

I am walking around mad at the world for some reason…
or should I say reasons.
I feel slighted by various people and instead of letting it go…
I am holding each one tightly…
gripping it in my fist to hold onto my justification.

For instance…
at Meeting the RE committee is still not settled on the way to handle clearances…
we do not have enough people with clearances to teach without overload.
Last week one member suggested we split the class to accommodate ages…
we have discussed doing this over and over again…
but decided to have one class room and create lessons to accommodate.
Suddenly the members are talking about splitting the class…
making special arrangements…
and I just keep saying it's not practical…
no one hears me…
no one is paying attention.
I am in a "poor me" space this week.
I guess I'm just pissed off at the world.

I have to get over it. I can refuse to participate…
I have the right to step aside…
and yet I am wallowing in my frustration.
I am stuck in it.
I'm frustrated with students, husband, kids, dog, meeting…you name it I'm not happy about it.
Is something in retro-grade in the universe?
I know it's full moon, but this is a bit much.

I'm off to write a test for my class…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

rage ride

Hi Maggie,

I had to do a quick search of EMDR.  I have an idea of what it is.

 And, I do know the aha!  And it peels back a little of the old layers. But there are so many f***ing layers.  I get rid of something, I relax, and there's something new...or another layer of the same old/same old.  I remember you wrote something once about circling round and round the same thing, seeing it with a different perspective each time. But, I get so tired of the same issues over and over again.

I think I'm okay.  I think I've made progress, but then I trip in the same swamp again.

If I take the long perspective, and compare me to me decades ago, I have made remarkable progress.  But there's still so far to go, and the trudging can be exhausting.

The stuff we carry...they stuff we have been burdened with - it's too much some days...

While reading your description of your baby's behavior, I was reminded of the five steps of grief.  He also seems to go through specific steps, then cycles through again - trapped on a merry-go-round.  I wonder if there are a similar five steps - the five steps of rage, or the five steps of being thwarted.  I wonder if he recognized those steps, if he could step off the rage-ride.

I have a meeting here tomorrow night.  I am becoming so aware of my clutter.  I can't stand it, but don't know what to do with it.  I think, maybe, this awareness ties in with other physical changes, changes in my body.

Tired, and not ready for company...

Love and hugs from Clare

long 2 weeks

Clare,

There are various ways to look at a situation..
part of my therapist training has been to hear a story and think of the various perspectives of the people described in the story. When I point out a different perspective to a clint I have seen on elf two things happen…
1. the AHA moment…
2. how dare you take their side moment…
I assume either is OK an will stimulate the client to go home and think about the words.

I had my second, on-line trauma class…
it was great, except that it was barely audible.
What I did hear was valuable.
He was discussing the difference between adult trauma…
happening to a fully developed brain…
PTSD…
and childhood trauma…
happening to a developing brain- sometimes by trusted caregivers…
No name to that yet…
although it's been referred to as Complex PTSD or Developmental trauma disorder.
The treatment is very different because the damage is very different.

I was considering one of the treatments for myself…
EMDR...
to open up more…
but it's only helpful for flashbacks or intrusive thoughts.

I really like this course though because it's not about medications and prescriptions…
this doctor has done research in the affects of yoga, EMDR, accupressure point tapping…
not rieki though…
I'll have to work on that one.

Anyway, I had a wicked weekend. My youngest got caught with "equipment" and was grounded for 2 weeks…
he becomes obnoxiously belligerent when he is confined…
or when he hears the word "no"…
It's like having a 180 lb 5 years old…
needless to say I was bullied…
and demeaned…
and then he apologizes…
and then repeat the previous steps…
It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

pumpkin seeds

Hi Maggie,

My computer died. And earlier today it was resurrected through the intercession of S#3, via telephone.  I went through all of my emotional drama.  Then she fixed it, and everything is fairly all right in my world.

I am grateful.

I like the idea of the body being a notebook, or maybe a road map, of where we have been and the pain we have endured.  And I think maybe you have uncovered the secret of yoga - using stretch to open stored memories and images and traumas.

I really like it.  It leads me to wishing I could find a good yoga class. Or tai chi. I am very interested in tai chi...

Your memory release is wonderful.  I like the opening...the possibilities.  I also wondered what all B#2 got away with.  I didn't know this story, but I do know some others.  And he has all of that stored in himself.  It must be extremely painful in there.

On a whim, and because it was on my shelf, I began rereading Christy. I think I read it once, when I was about 19, and at Grandma's urging. 

It is different now.  I hadn't remembered that there was a Quaker main character.  I am really thinking about some of the main themes. Like - sometimes bad things happen because we do not listen to that still, small voice within - we are not obedient to Spirit.  If we were, things would happen differently.  Like - once we love someone, the physical imperfections cease to matter.  We stop noticing them.

 Like - be grateful for the irritations in life. Stop, pay attention, see what the message is.  After being dramatic, and sorry for myself, I tried on,  "Thank you for the problems with my computer..."  Not sure what the message was, but it definitely broke the "Poooooooor meeeee" cycle.

Like, Spirit moves us toward joy...not fear.

I had a busy weekend.  And, now at the end, I am alone in the blessed silence roasting pumpkin seeds. Lots and lots of pumpkin seeds.

Hope you are likewise blest!

Love and hugs from Clare

movement, breath, mindfulness

Clare,

It's an interesting topic about where the hurt or emotions are held in the body. I'm just reading The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I'm reading the chapter about how to heal trauma. He specifically writes about 3 processes that have to happen to heal trauma…
1. establish safety- finding a way to calm and focus the body…
2. accessing the memories while maintaining that calm…
3. finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with people around you.
The road to healing is through the body…
deep breathing, yoga, dance, drumming, tai chi, etc.

Wherever the emotions are held they can be released through breath and movement.

Several Saturdays ago I was doing a Yin Yoga class- long, deep holding of postures.
We were in Pigeon…
lying on the floor, belly down, one leg bent under your chest while the other is outstretched underhand behind you…
it opens the hips tremendously…
hips are areas of holding negative emotions.
As I worked this posture, I had a clear flashback to when I was a teenaged girl. I had borrowed a 10 speed bike from my older friend to ride home one evening from her house. I parked the bike in our yard and when I went out the next day to return it It had vanished. My flashback was the realization that B#2 had stolen the bike, probably for drug money, and I sensed the shame of having to tell my friend that I could not return her bike, that it had been stolen. The interesting thing is that I was able to release that sense of shame during this posture.
I've never had such a visual release before or after that experience. It is amazing how those fragments of memory are accessible if we connect our breath, clear mind, and body.

I am very tired tonight. It's not even 8 pm and I am sleepy. I hope bed is early tonight. I think I'm having a very quiet weekend. Husband is on call tomorrow and going to NYC on Sunday…
that means quiet time for me!

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

perfect

Hi Maggie,

You are perfect!  It sounded exactly like when you sing, or when you let a song move through you.  You are a beautiful channel. And you trust. When you are in front of the public, you obviously know exactly how to get into your heart chakra and open up.

It's probably part of the perfection that you don't know what you said. The same water never flows past the same spot twice. You will never recreate what happened last night. If you try, it will not be authentic. But you will be able to recreate opening yourself and allowing the appropriate message to flow through you.

I know it's their message that I am BAAAAD.  I know it is control...I know it is a lie. But there are layers upon hidden layers of indoctrination. I don't even know where to look for some of the messages hiding in my being.

If all you had to do was say,"Hey, they lied. You're really beautiful.  You are enough."

And I said "Okay" and believed it - you, my dear, would not have a job!

I don't remember ever liking pictures of myself, until years later. And then my attitude is generally,  "I wasn't as bad as I thought."

You are often smiling in pictures, front and center, seeming to have a good time. I am the odd one lurking in the back, looking dead, or suspicious, maybe.  I'm usually dreading it, because I know it is gonna look bad.

I remember Mom saying the same thing. She found out as an adult, that someone had a crush on her when they were teens. She was so shocked that someone could think she was special or beautiful.  Looking back, she thought - well, maybe she wasn't so bad.

One time my oldest and I were talking, and she told me she wished that I had prepared her for the fact that men were going to treat her differently because of the way she looked. That men were only going to value the way she looked.  That men would lie to get her to bond with them - to date them, to be seen with them.

I was shocked.  And when I found words, I pointed out that I could not teach her for what I did not know.

It is such a waste.

I'm beginning to learn to cook without dairy products. I am so used to throwing cheese into most dishes.  I avoided it tonight. I did not buy cheese, butter or yogurt at the grocery store today.  I think going without cheese will be harder than going without chicken...

Back to my knitting...

Sending love and hugs,

Clare

honor and privilege

Clare,

We are not BAAAAD…
we've been programmed to think BAAAD…
to be controlled.
I actually like seeing pictures of myself…
not in a vain way…
well, maybe in a vain way…
but I love pictures that show me with others…
smiling with other people…
it makes me feel more connected- or that the connection is more real because it's been documented…
I don't know.

What place does cancer hold for me now?
Good question.
Cancer sits in the back of my mind…
nudging me with every new ache, pain, cough, etc…
it reminds me that once you're a breast cancer patient, you'll always be a breast cancer patient.
The number 1 risk for breast cancer is having a previous breast cancer…
I know that…
it is a fact of my life.
But, on a day to day basis I don't ruminate about it…
the fear comes and goes as the pain or change comes and goes.

Last night was interesting. I had a script prepared…
6 pages of notes…
a chronology of my life with breast cancer and the lessons I've learned along the way.
I started with the beginning quote from A Tale of Two Cities…
as I woke up with that in my mind yesterday morning.
Then I started to talk about Aunt Sissy…
I started to tell them about her beauty and joyful energy…
she took me to her house several times when I was very young…
we played the game Life…

and then I dropped the script and just spoke from my heart.

I spoke for almost 30 minutes…
I'm not sure what I said exactly…
I was speaking from the spirit…
as in Meeting…
I spent most of the time looking at the people attending…
making eye contact…
many were crying…
and then laughing...
I couldn't backtrack to remember what I had said to make them cry or laugh…
I just spoke from my heart…
I was in the flow.
At the end I shared a beautiful note written to me by our cousin who also is fighting breast cancer…
it was beautiful…
it was vulnerable…
it touched my heart deeply.

After I finished people hugged me and thanked me for my honesty.
I still have no idea what I really said…
because I opened myself to the spirit to move through me.
I was asked if I could be interviewed, if I would do more public speaking, and told that I should really consider speaking professionally.
Husband said he wishes he had filmed it…
"It would go viral" was his comment.
Damn I wish I had paid more attention to my words…
but I got out of the way and let the words flow…
what a great experience.
I'm glad I did it.
What an honor and privilege to offer my perspective.

Today I cried with a woman, early dementia, who has had horrific relationship…
we mapped her relationships over the years…
beginning with her parents.
The men who were nice she dumped…
"I'm worthless, why would they want me."
Those who treated her with disrespect she clung too…
more and more with each bad relationship.
I tried to tell her that she is infinitely valuable…
point out strength…
she doesn't buy into my reasoning…
voices from the past…
particularly childhood voices…
are very powerful.
I see so many people with similar self-images…
marred from years of abuse, chaos, disrespect…
it is heartbreaking...
but, it is an honor and privilege to know women such as this.

I did not go to an interview this past Monday for a school social work position because I cannot bear to leave some of these clients. This work is too important. That position would pay 4 times what I make now…
some things are simply worth more than money.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

being present

Hi Maggie,

I did send a card for S#4's birthday. I sent it today, on her birthday. I think Grammy lives on in me.  But I reached out and tried to send loving, supportive words.

I was thinking about family dynamics.  The boys seem more bonded to each others, and the girls seem to be more bonded to each other.  B#4 seems to be the agent that can go back and forth through each camp. 

Today we rolled down the hill in front of my house. And we went walking, spending a little time in the woods. I noticed the woods seem to make the babe a little nervous. But...but...we found acorns, and she loves acorns, just as much as my little girl on the other coast does.  I wish the two of them knew each other...

I am trying to play. I am trying to be present.  I am trying to go outside, and not think about email or reports or organizing anything.  I can think about that when I am alone and in front of the computer.  I want to go outside and be outside, and to be with the baby and to play.

I'm re -  learning...

Someone said something interesting to me today.  It was someone from a more socialist country than ours.  But - if the government offered enough social benefits so that people were not hungry, cold, homeless, completely unstable, religion would not have such a strong hold on people.  But if you are hungry, you follow whoever offers you food.

Hope all is well in your busy life.

Love and hugs from Clare

I'm BAAAD

Hi Maggie,

Just remember, we have been taught to be ashamed of our nakedness.  If anyone accidentally catches a glimpse of me, I am mortified. I am humiliated. The little nun who lives on my shoulder lets me know how BAAAAD I really am.  I have to hide from that person for a long time - until they have forgotten - time has blurred the image.  Until they have forgotten how BAAAAAD I am.  Until they have seen someone else naked, and I have faded.  Then maybe, just maybe, I'll reemerge.  Maybe.

This is true of physical nudity, as well as emotional or psychological nudity. 

I think what the initial violation took from us is the understanding that we are most loveable when we are naked...when we are absolutely vulnerable and open.

Maybe we are afraid of being that beautiful.  Aha - of course we are, because when we were that open and afraid, someone raped us on some level - again, physically, emotionally, psychologically or even  psychically.

God, I even do it with pictures. I see a photo of myself, and I always react with revulsion.  I hate myself. I hate the way I look. It's never good. It's never good enough. I put the picture away. Then later, after I have created a distance, I can look at it, sort of accept it - or maybe come to terms with it.

According to Khalil, we are not ready to accept the pain of breaking the shell that encloses our understanding.  My understanding is that I am not good enough and not very loveable.  If I break out of that, and see my life is a lie --- can I bear the pain? I think of the pain of warming cold fingers or toes after a romp in to snow.  It really hurts!!

How has cancer functioned in your life?  It seems, from the outside, that it was something else, it became a central point, and now?  Where is cancer in your life?

Just wondering.

We also need to find ways to prevent cancer...like forcing Monsanto to take financial responsibility for everyone who has cancer because of their product.  If corporations have to  do this, the world would be cleaned up quickly. Cancer becomes a political fight. 

We also need to look at the role of processed foods, and of crap in the air and water.  They need to take responsibility for creating these products, and we need to take responsibility for buying them...

Today, we jumped in a leaf pile.  At first I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, when he was faking jollity and overacting. But then she invited me to fall in our leaf pile, and then the dog jumped in my face, and the laughter became true. 

Daily miracles...one of which is - I am a bit itchy from leaves in my clothes.  Shower time!

Love and hugs from Clare

tough day

Clare,
What a beautiful day you've had. Nature is full of beauty and peace.

I had only 2 clients today (3 failed to show up). The first woman, with whom I'd made a breakthrough on our last visit, showed up full of steam. She told me that she doesn't need help with the past…she only wants help with the day to day issues that comes up. I listened, restated the boundaries that she's set, and then listened some more.
She has had one of the most traumatic lives I've ever heard…
and yet the issues she has with control of her kids…
control in relationship…
isolation…
shame…
needing to be right always…
needing to be busy always…
I can't talk about her history…
just give advice…
"why don't you try _______?"

It's fascinating to me…
once I have a breakthrough with a client they retreat back to a safer place…
they miss appointments…
shut down…
act as if they never told you that "secret"…
or cried in front of someone else…
they want to talk about the weather or someone else in the family who has bigger problems.

Counseling is an education.

So I am working on my talk for tomorrow. I've broken my life with cancer down into 4 or 5 points and am reflecting on the lessons I've learned along the way. Focusing on the personal experience of the past year. I found the term "Post Traumatic Growth Experience"…I love that. I'm going to talk about that.
I'm also going to talk about how hard it is to see the breast cancer awareness campaigns and how hollow they feel. I don't have "tatas" to save, I don't really like pink, and I haven't worn a bra in 16 months. The real battle is finding a cure for metastatic breast cancer- almost no one survives that.
I hope it goes well.

I did my first week of the trauma class. It was really interesting. There was a good discussion of how inadequate the diagnoses available to describe trauma survivors really are. I hadn't really thought of how restrictive the current ones are- one traumatic incident, specific symptoms that don't explain the anxiety, dissociation, poor attachment, trust issues, shame, etc. It's good to know there are people who are really thinking about this stuff.

Anyway…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

violations

Hi Maggie,

Today was another magic  afternoon with my little companion.  We went for a walk, and visited all of her favorite apple trees.  Then we noticed that all of the apples that had fallen on the cow's side of the fence were gone.   And there were a lot of apples down on our side. So we started picking up apples and lobbing into the cow pasture. And much to our delight, two cows came and picked up everything we threw to them.

It bothers me to know they are possessions and will soon be food.  But today was sweet.

Then we were walking past the sugar maple grove.  The sky was intensely blue.  It was windy. A gust of wind blew through the trees and leaves came dancing on the gusts.  I guess I have never been looking up at that moment, but today I was.  It was like watching giant golden snowflakes swirl down - all around us.   Magic. This Earth is rife with magic and beauty.

We picked up lots of leaves and glued them on paper - for Mama!

And we made a hot, chunky applesauce for dinner, from apples we had just picked.

Nice day.

I have been thinking about the quote you shared all day. I like it, but it is a bit passive. The separation begins with a violation.  The violation lets us experience separation. Someone who is supposed to protect us, doesn't.  And sometimes we never recover.

It fits with my theory.

I have been vegetarian much of my life. It's this cold thing that brings me back to eating flesh. I eat chicken or turkey once or twice a week.  Giving that up will not be bad. What is different now is that I am going to stop eating dairy. Those calves are in a veal pen so we can have their milk. No more for me.  I don't drink milk, but I do eat yogurt and cheese. I am trying to think of some satisfying, unprocessed substitutes.

The Vitamin B12 lead is good.  I will follow up on it.  I will also see if I can find some non-meat sources.  Thank you, thank you!

I found a quote today that opened my heart a little. It seems to be describing walking through the swamp...or maybe trekking back through the swamp again!

So you can think about it too:

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding... And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy”                -Khalil Gibran

Love and hugs from Clare

the root of violence

I found this in a daily meditation that I receive. I thought you'd like it. It's from Richard Rohr's Center for Action and Contemplation.

...The root of violence is the illusion of separation--from God, from Being itself, from being one with everyone and everything. When you don't know how to consciously live out of your union with Love, you resort to violence, fighting people who are not like you. Contemplative practice teaches you to not make so much of the differences, but to return to who you are beyond your nationality, skin color, gender, or other labels. It brings you back to your True Self, who you are in God.

When you can become little enough, naked enough, and honest enough, then you will ironically find that you are more than enough. This is the wisdom of the Gospel, and it is surely the Franciscan emphasis. At this place of poverty and freedom you have nothing to prove and nothing to protect. Here you can connect with everything and everyone. Everything belongs. This cuts violence at its very roots before there is even a basis for fear, anger, protection, vengeance, or self-promotion--the things that often cause violence...

I sent you the link by email. According to this post the answer is contemplation and then action. I love the part of being made small and humble to find your center.

I applaud your decision to stop eating meat. I am wondering if supplementing your B12 would help your temperature regulation. It's the one nutrient that we get from animal flesh. I get mine through a vegetarian vitamin. A lack of B12 leads to a type of anemia. I am celebrating 10 years of vegetarian eating this Thanksgiving. I've only once knowingly eaten 2 shrimp, made by very dear friends who were so pleased to cook specially for me. So, I ate them and felt very sick. The compromises we make…

I stopped eating meat after reading about the animal flesh industry. I pass several mennonite farms on my familiar routes and they pen up the veal calfs. I am tempted to let them out and lead them back to the pasture with the cows when no one is watching. 

I am thinking about how slavery has influenced the black family…

absent fathers…

I've never considered that before…

it does make sense though.

I was supposed to have a job interview tomorrow, supporting intellectually disabled school students in 5 counties. I am going to cancel it. I don't want to travel that far. I am tired of sitting in a car for several hours each day. I am going to stick close to home… 

I was talking with friends at the funeral last week about my job and surprised myself by saying how much I enjoy what I am doing. I think I'm going to sit tight, take the online trauma course, develop the new course for Penn State and see where that leads me. That's what feels right at this point.

I'll find you here tomorrow,

Love and Light beautiful sister,

Maggie

enslaved thoughts

Hi Maggie,

I'm glad you had a rewarding time.  I took prenatal yoga during my second pregnancy, because I had a placenta previa. The midwife said that sometimes the placenta migrates.  So I took classes and meditated on placental migration. It worked.

I don't think we have sling yoga here.  I was doing Svaroopa yoga, which used a lot of bolsters to support various body parts, for awhile, but the teacher is not teaching here in the village any more. No one is teaching yoga here right now...

I have been caught up in thoughts of slavery...trying to understand.  Reading about the book I mentioned, describing the breeding programs for slaves, the forced pregnancies, discarding females who were no longer fertile - or as fertile.  Taking babies, separating families.

We have the stereotype of the absent black father.  We created that culture.  So what did we create for our white selves?  I think we created numbness.  We had to blind something inside to be able to live in a world where humans own humans. We learned to categorize and rank.

You are less than me, you are other, therefore I am not connected nor responsible for you. Or maybe, I am completely responsible for you, you pathetic heathen. It is what is happening between Palestine and Israel.  They each see the other as a different, lesser species.  I read a lot of literature about the horrible things that have happened to the Jewish people through time.  I've read about the ways they were treated as the UN created an artificial country for them in 1948.  Now they've gained power and rather than remembering the pain they went through, allowing compassion to shine through - the have decided to be even less humane.

I went to a peace roundtable years ago, and met a woman who was part of an international peace group.  The group was asked to come to Palestine.  In trying to find a place to start, they listened to one group tattle on the other, and the other explained what they were retaliating for, which led to the causative incident...they went for a long time, each remembering. They can remember generations...they tally each hateful event and remember.

That has influenced their genetics, I'm sure. It has led to their current culture, created who they are.

We are similarly formed by slavery. We are not past it.  It still defines who we are.  I mean, one thing that has always bothered me is:  Why is Barack Obama a black man.  He is as much white as he is black.  Why do we only see the otherness.  Because in days when slavery was legal, even octaroons - people who were 1/8 black - that means one black great-grandparent - they were black.

Why do we have such a hard time seeing we are all the exact same species.

So, I was also reading about and then thinking about the way we own and enslave animals - other sentients. Our comfort and ease with slavery means we don't see the wrongness, the sin, of factory farming and CAFOs.

I think, because we are so  comfortable with the rightness of slavery, we have a hard time seeing our own enslavement...

This numbness covers, therefore allows so much pain...but I see people waking up.  I feel it. I feel corners of light in the world where people are saying No More!

So even though my heart feels broken, it also feels like healing is not only possible, but imminent!

Love and hugs from Clare

Final thought - I saw a quote once that pointed out that human beings are the only species, where if we disappeared from the planet, the planet would be healthier. All other species are a necessary part of the web. We used to be, when we were humane...

I'm back

Clare,

I am back from my conference. I taught my workshop on Yoga. I was joined by my daughter's former boss, a yoga instructor. I spoke about the self-care, health benefits of yoga. We had 2 pregnant participants and a woman with a hip replacement. The instructor was able to modify the poses to accommodate their needs. I had many stop me to tell me about their experience. The woman with the hip replacement was radiant- she told me that she hasn't exercised in years and how good it felt to move. I suggested she look for sling/arial yoga or restorative yoga. I'm glad we did it.

I had a good time this weekend. I met several women, one in particular with a dry sense of humor. She seemed to do a lot of the same workshop as I did. At first I found it annoying because she wanted to talk- even during the presentations. But I listened to her and her insights were good- and funny.

I will hold each of those questions in meditation and see what comes up for me. I think it's a good place to start- questions. I will sit with it.

I'm going to spend time with husband…he's feeling less than attended to after a night away. I'll be back tomorrow.

Blessings,
Maggie

wear it as long...

Happy Friday My Sister!

Singing "Wear it as long as you can" in my mind.  It won't go away.

I have been battling my conscience about meat eating and industrial farming for quite awhile.  I don't eat beef or pork.  I don't eat fish.  I do eat some chicken and turkey. I eat cheese and eggs.

I watched a video of a newborn calf being pulled away from its mother. Yanked by one leg, like it was a piece of trash.  I thought of that every time I ate cheese. But I managed to feed my addiction and ignore my conscience.

Today I saw a photo of two cows waiting in line at a slaughtering plant.  They have their heads leaning against each other - just as we do for comfort.  Their eyes are so knowing.

My heart broke.

I can't do it any more.  I can't be part of their enslavement.

I have to stop eating all meat and milk.

The small still voice in my mind says "Vegan plus eggs."  So I will follow that voice.  And hopefully, someday soon have a few hens in the backyard.  I will engage in their enslavement for my own benefit. I will be part of the myth of the kind owner who gives them a good life.

You know, like Gone With the Wind.

I don't know how we will release chickens. They don't really belong on this continent.

The reason I eat chicken is because in the winter I get cold.  But if I eat meat a few times a week, I don't get cold.  I need to find a way to stay warm. Maybe more peppers, which will mean better circulation...

Still thinking about computers and phones and other items made by slaves.  Since I am not in a position to make any purchases, that's simmering.

Love and hugs from Clare

showing up

Hey Maggie,

Maybe you are tiptoeing out of your yellow chakra.  Releasing your need to control everything and just going with the flow.  It seems that when we make a change, we live in a void for a short while.  That seems to be how transition happens for me.  I have learned to enjoy those moments of chaos when all things are possible.  But those moments don't last for long.

How did you feel as a beast cancer patient? Survivor? How did you feel seeing your sister go through the process?  How do you remember Aunt Sissy's death and then later, Mom's brush with breast cancer?  You have amazing perspective, because you have the logical, medical experience as a doctor treating patients, the compassion and that feeling of helplessness seeing a family member step into the cancer machine.  But you have also been there.  You know the range of feelings that each person who is diagnosed with cancer goes through.

What do you have to share? It is going to be rich and deep...

I have periods of time with no aha also.  That is when posts get short and a bit mundane.  But sometimes life is just about showing up.  I miss days here, too...it's life.  I do miss you when you aren't here, though.  This is still a touchpoint of each day in my life.

I'm trying to organize two community contra dances.  It is so difficult to get people to commit to dates, to showing up, to not changing plans.  Both have had to be rescheduled once so far. And I fear for the turnouts.  The second one - no caller. So a friend is going to call the few she has just learned, and I am going to learn a few singing calls.

This ought to be fun!

The course on trauma sounds promising.  Keep me posted please.

I could not watch the show I mentioned which was on last night.  I don't have a cable provider.  And today I tried to watch and my Adobe Flash crashed.  I am taking my computer in for it's annual physical next week.  Then I'll watch. My youngest watched and said she felt upset...

That's life!

Maybe tomorrow will aha...Love and hugs from Clare

sporadic

Clare,

Sorry, I'm really sporadic recently. I am not sure why either. I guess I'm not having significant "ah-ha" moments that make me excited to share. I am putting together a  workshop for Friday entitled Yoga as Self Care. Luckily I only have to fill 30 minutes, then a friend is going to teach an hour of yoga.

I am also trying to organize my thoughts for the breast cancer awareness dinner next Wednesday. I still am not sure how I want to approach the subject.

I signed up for a 6 month course on trauma…it begins next Monday. It is online, so it should be very manageable. It requires about 2.5 hours per week to do the work. It is partially taught by a researcher who has written the book I am currently reading. I'm really excited about this course.

 I am feeling less than engaged in life right now…
kind of like being an observer.
I'm not sure why I am feeling this way. I am usually actively participating in my life…controlling or at least making decisions. Right now I can't seem to make anything happen. I have been walking more…my university has a competition this month to see what campus' participants walks the furthest distance. I have a pedometer and am trying to get to 10,000 steps each day. I haven't achieved that every day, but most days I do. At least one thing is working as planned.
I guess I shouldn't worry about control…
live more in the flow and the moment…
I'm trying.

I think the early dark is affecting me. I took my dog for a walk today about 6:45 and it was dark before we finished a mile. That's just depressing. I will have to rearrange my day to walk earlier.

I'm going to go back to my powerpoint creation…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

tears?

Hi Mags,

Hope everything is okay...

I'm going to stay up past my bedtime tonight and see if I can watch a show on the internet...a show that premiers tonight.  It is a show where antique experts go through old homes or barns, looking for treasures.

I didn't understand that then they buy things,

I know I mentioned the death of an older friend about a year and a half ago.  Tonight they will be in her house, going through three generations of memorabilia.

She always wanted to institute a museum of sorts.  She used to have open house twice a week for people to come and see what she had.

Her niece inherited the house and everything in it, and called the producers and competed to have them go through the house...

This makes my friend's death so final...these are her things being made so public, being seen only for dollar value.

Yet, they are only things. And things change and pass on.

I think I will probably cry if I do get to see the show...

Love and hugs,

Clare

white day

Hey Maggie,

It's my thing!  Your healer did our past lives as sisters...in both lives she saw me as an intellectual, separated, watching, analyzing.  I guess I am just this stalker type, sliding silently through life, yet observing and seeking understanding...I remember asking her if I was ever going to get into my body, and she just smiled.

And made me hold a meteorite to prove how otherly I truly am!!

I was thinking about the toad today. I was thinking that it is so strange to come in the house and google the spiritual meaning of things I see.  Yet when I am outside, when I am connected and noticing, that is when I feel most of this Earth.

Then I realized that if I lived in a true community with elders, I would have someone to ask when the animals have a message.

I used to be close to a Cherokee woman. She told me that when the animals do something to draw your attention, there is a message for you.  Then she added that I should consider these encounters the same way as I would try to think about a dream.

So I do...

I have been yoga walking, I think. I read about it, and have been trying to do what the article described. One is supposed to inhale for as many steps as to exhale.  To move slowly and deliberately.  I was doing that today, when I realized I could feel my knee bend, my foot come into contact with the Earth.  I realized, I usually just walk, one more thing I do without presence or focus...


I watched a documentary about Henry VIII. It said he was the most tyrannical, selfish man to ever lead a country.  But it said that the US would not be the country it is without him. He started the religious fervor that led to the Pilgrims leaving Europe, looking for religious freedom - the kind of freedom that meant they had the power to kill those who did not conform, as opposed to being the prey in Europe.

I was thinking about our Irish ancestry a few days ago when we were talking about the lack of healthy in the world.  We have two Irish great-grandmothers, Bridget Mary and Mary Frances. I wonder how much of the violence in our family comes from them.  The British Isles were repeatedly attacked.  That creates a national gene associated with violence. But Henry took manor-lands away from Catholics in Ireland, and gave them to his loyal Protestant followers, which started the problems in Ireland today.  Generations of violence, it had to move into the families, into the homes...became part of the culture...

Now we have families who have been there for hundreds of years, who feel like this is home, warring with people who have been there for thousands of years.  It's the exact same thing that has happened here.   The same people, British monarchs, gave away these lands to colonists, never recognizing the people or the culture here. Now we have land claim trials - people who have been here for hundreds of years are terrified of those who have been here for thousands.  The terror stems from our knowledge that we are wrong...

How do we escape...the ongoing question.

Also read a summary of a new book about slavery, showing that slavery was central to our country right from the beginning.   If I can find it, I need to read it...The American Slave Coast: A History of the Slave Breeding Industry by Ned and Constance Sublette.  I remember reading a recipe for slave feed, that looked a lot like what I fed to my sheep.  The idea was to feed them as cheaply as possible, and get as much from them as they could.  That may have been when I started considering our relationship to animals...are we morally allowed to own and sentient being?

(http://www.alternet.org/books/new-book-america-was-built-slavery-and-it-was-much-worse-you-might-imagine)

Happy Columbus Day...

Clare  (feeling very white right now)

Toad and snake

Clare,

It's fascinating that you choose to play in dreams…
in your mind…
away from your body…
you are most comfortable disconnected.

I have seen toads here…
several summers ago I walked out at night and there was a large toad being swallowed by a snake. My first instinct was to rescue the toad. But it wasn't struggling. And the snake wasn't being cruel, just feeding itself the best way it knows how to. So, I gathered my courage and left the scene. If I had stayed I would have attempted a rescue and that's not part of the balance of life.
I wonder what a snake eating the toad means??

We went to NY City yesterday. Husband, youngest, his girlfriend and myself. Our oldest met us there. We saw the show Les Mis…
my all time favorite musical…
it was a wonderful performance.
After the show our youngest got testy…
He wanted to be able to walk around the city without us…
he had never been there before…
but to the point of bully-ing us to let him wander.
I was so frustrated by his lack of a sense of family that I wanted to scream…
I didn't…
I got very quiet for the remainder of the day.

I've got to put dinner on the table …
I'll try to get back to this later.

Love and Light sister,
Maggie

toads

Hi Maggie,

I'm glad you are getting through this week.

I remember reading about dysfunctional families once.  The author stated that 96% of families are dysfunctional.  I remember thinking,  "Show me that 4%.  I want to see healthy.  I want to see who to imitate!!"  One more thing to add to your list of unhealthiness of modern civilization.

But you are right.  We are not healthy. We do not see healthy.  We do not have access to healthy.  Even with growing my own veggies, intentionally avoiding poisons, I know there is Roundup in the rain. 

But I think the first step might be getting into our bodies.  Finding our physical selves and possibly even accepting ourselves.  Then discovering our inner playground.  I remembered, after I wrote yesterday - Anthony Bourdain says our bodies are playgrounds. I lke that better than amusement parks, because you sit passively in the roller coaster waiting to experience a rush.  But you have to climb the monkey bars with your own strength.

After writing yesterday, I started thinking about how I would like to play.  At first I was definitely blank...but then it came...dreams.

Is disease part of the suffering? Maybe disease is part of the message.  And we have to endure until we get it...

Today has been a beautiful day.  Partly because we are having beautiful weather, partly, just because.  I had the baby overnight.  Mama came to get her early, and we went apple picking for a few hours.  So we were outside, walking, moving, talking, being together. My daughter said this was the way she should start every day...

I agree.

Then I started steaming a squash for a soup for dinner, and roasted its seeds.  And I made sauer kraut...my favorite kind...with apple and ginger in it.  Then I mowed the back lawn. I got to walk in circles in the sunlight, and just think.

I have been working with keeping my heart chakra open and flowing. I can feel it. But as I was walking, trailing the mower, I started thinking about Thanksgiving and wondering what would happen if everyone had other plans, and no one was coming here this year.  I have no idea why I got stuck here, but as I took a step back to both comfort myself and laugh at myself, I felt I was trapped - locked out of my heart chakra.

So, I took a breath and I stated the truth as I know it. Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Everything is alright.

Then I saw the biggest toad I have seen in a long time.  It came out from under the lilac, I think, and was trying to find a safe place away from the mower.

My lawn looks like a little kid who took a scissors to his own head's hairdo!  I avoided where the toad was...

And of course, I came in to see what toad's message is.  Just as a note, a friend has a set of totem cards and did a read for me decades ago.  My grounding totem is toad.  I had completely forgotten until this afternoon.

Toads are inner strength and luck, and changing bad luck to good luck.  It poses three questions:
Am I hesitating and missing opportunities?  Am I allowing fear to hold back progress?  Have I forgotten my inner strength?

(http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/toad.htm)

Aren't these questions appropriate for me??

Off to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day.

Love and hugs...missing you!!

Clare

Healthy

Clare,

I am reading a book called, The Body Keeps the Score. Another book about trauma and its aftermath. It talks about in PTSD, particularly depressed people are not connected to their bodies. A familiar object can be placed into their palm, eyes closed, and they won't be able to identify it. Their brains have learned to disconnect, and they've perfected it. It's so sad how many people are walking around in their brains…bodies not connected. It reminds me of a Star Trek episode where there was a race of heads, talking heads. Is that what we really are? The fact that you avoid mirrors is fascinating to me.

What is healthy?
I don't think anyone that is really healthy today. Toxins, stress, pathogens, are everywhere. Our bodies are designed to fight or adapt to these. Unfortunately generations of trauma and stress have accumulated in our genes…and we are more likely to suffer from PTSD, because of alterations in the genes coming from parents' and grandparents' traumatic experiences. I often wonder if the current violence is secondary to World War II, Korea and Viet Nam…not to mention all of the wars in the Middle East. I don't believe there are any unaffected humans any more.

Have we redefined what healthy is? What standards are we using to define health? If there are no really healthy people than it is an abstract ideal. Are humans supposed to live in health or is disease part of the suffering and lessons? I'm not sure what any of the answers are.

We have to fight for healthy food, healthy water, healthy air, healthy relationships, healthy parenting…the list goes on and on.

I was talking with the significant other of one of husband's friends yesterday after the funeral. She was commenting on the catholic service…how wrong catholics are to believe they will go to heaven, because they aren't "born again". I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I was about to ask what her definition of heaven was when she directly asked me what my religion was. I answered, Quaker. She was not familiar, so I said that we believe that there is that of God in all beings, so I treat everyone with honor and dignity, all else flows from that principle. She asked if we are bible based, so I said that we do respect the bible, and other wisdom writings from other faith practices. She was getting more and more frustrated…it was so strange. She basically told me that I would end up in hell unless I am born again. I thanked her for her insight. I haven't been damned to hell in a long time. I'm still thinking about this interaction. I am so thankful for the ability to not be ruled by a fear based religion any more.

I hope that you are having a good day. Enjoy your little ones.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

somebody, anybody, healthy body

Hi Maggie,

Checking in now, because I will have an overnight guest - Sleepover at Mima's!! 

I have been knitting a lot, in anticipation of Christmas.  And so I have been watching stuff.  I saw something with kids in gym class - doing squat and thrust.  Remember?  I do. I did them, begrudgingly.  But I always felt like a walrus, with my body just flopping along with me. I have also been watching Anthony Bourdain, Parts Unknown.  He said, in one episode, our bodies are like amusement parks, maybe...something to the effect that we should be using our bodies to taste everything, to try everything, to experience everything. 

That has been on my mind.

I am so separated from my body.  And when I war with depression, my body becomes deadweight.  I remember a few times when the kids were young, when it took every ounce of strength I had to get up, to stay awake, to make a few meals.  I felt like I was trapped miles behind my face.

I don't know how to be my body. 

Mom used to say I was the most unaffected person she knew.  That was her polite way of commenting on the fact that I am clueless about the way I look. Which is true...

I don't know what I look like. Mirrors always shock me.  I don't know what looks good.  I find an article of clothes that feels comfortable, feels good, and I think I look good.  Then I get a glimpse of myself and realize, I don;t look good.  I am not okay...I don't even know how to wear makeup. 

I think because I am going to be 60, I am facing mortality...I know I am way over half way through this experience.  and I am realizing that if I want to stay here, my body - my healthy body - is the only ticket.

I still wallow in depression, but less frequently and it doesn't seem to last as long any more.  So how do I use this step into something lighter to be...sounds corny...but maybe, reborn?

I feel like I am going to cry...

I must be on to something important to me right now...

Love and hugs from Clare

mid-nights

Hi Maggie,

How are you. love? Did you get through the funerals and the loss of the horse?  I imagine you are feeling rough and open.  When an animal dies, I always feel something wide - like they rip our souls open. When it's a person, I feel more folded in on myself, with grief...You may be both at once. All twisted with emotion.  I'm holding you in the Light, my dear sister.

I have been interacting, virtually, more with S#5, and so I have been updated about S#4's surgery.  And S#3 sent me a few messages today, so I know everything went well, and S#4 is home.

I had a strange thought.  I was all mad again, like I was with your surgery. Hospitals send people home too soon. I wondered if part of the maternity leave until 6 weeks in the US is to teach us that we aren't worth care. I wonder if that is why we are so complacent about going home so soon after major surgery...

My old dog woke me up at 2:45, because she wanted to go out.  Her kidneys have been failing, and she just goes sometimes - so out is good.  I couldn't go back to sleep for two hours. My alarm rang  15 minutes later. Needless to say, I was tired today.

But, she woke me from a dream, and so I remembered it.  I was in a big house with our family of origin, as well as my family.  I overslept for work, and couldn't get my computer turned on.  It kept changing sizes, and at one point there were about a dozen small screen, hinged together like picture frames.  I kept reassuring myself, that I really never miss work.  There was so much noise.  I couldn't find a quiet place to work.  I was feeling frustrated and confused, so I walked away.

I was with you and S#3.  We each had a toy.  Mine was some sort of stuffed animal.  Yours was a classic baby doll wearing a maroon dress.  We were organizing some kind of game, and as the dog woke me up, you told me that if I made you some new doll clothes, you would play with me...

For the two hours that I lay awake, I sent love to family members, and let my mind wander.  I remembered an old friend - we used to be close. He is very open about being gay, and in a long term relationship. We were involved with some activism and were spending a lot of time together.  For some reason, we were with one of my closest friends one night - who was also friends with him and his partner, and she made a comment that I had a crush on him. I remember being shocked. I never said I had a crush on him.  I never talked to her about any of my feelings for him, because they were pretty much like my feelings for her.

He said, "I hope that isn't true."

I was still shocked, wracking my brain for why she said that...

The reason I liked him so much was because I had no crush on him at all.  I just liked him. I felt absolutely safe with him.  That was partly because of his personality, but also - because I had no romantic feelings.

We pretty much drifted apart after that...

And for some reason, it all came back in the dark last night. I wondered about men and women being friends, and about relationships being misunderstood.  I wondered about the slow way I analyze and react. I retreat, and think, and often miss my moment. I wondered whether we ever get out of middle school humiliation...

If way ever opens, I will say something.But I rarely see him anymore. And he is too kind and discrete to ever ask...

Being haunted in the middle of the night, all because of my old dog.

Love and hugs from Clare

death all around me

Clare,
I am in awe of that level of happiness…
too happy…
What a wonderful little girl.

Rough day. Our house phone rang at 2:30 this morning…
a house phone ringing in the middle of the night is never good.
It was the barn keeper telling husband one of our mares was colicky.
He was so tired I heard him answer, "She'll be over some time today".
Needless to say, I went right over and found my friend, the barn owner walking my daughter's mare. She was so agitated and in obvious pain. She was sweating so much, steam was lifting off of her body. She didn't want to roll like most horses with colic…
she laid on he back with all 4 legs in the air…
neither of us had ever seen that before.
The vet arrived and went to work…
it became apparent that CC was very ill…
he maxed her out on meds over the next two hours and she was still in pain and in shock…
her ears and legs were ice cold from the shock.
Before my heart could understand what was happening I/we had made the decision to euthanize her…
it was only a matter of hours before the shock would kill her.
As I said good bye the tears flowed.
I was so very sad because this was not my horse…
she was bonded to my daughter and our friend, her trainer…
neither was with her as she died.
It happened so rapidly that I didn't have time to consider gathering the necessary loved ones to help her pass.
She died peacefully once the meds were given.

I came home and husband was up, getting ready for work. "How did it go?" he asked…
all I could do was cry…
it was so hard to say she is dead.
A little later I had to call my oldest daughter…
she chose this horse, CC, 13 years ago and they grew up together…
daughter was 10 and horse was 4 at the time…
the were a perfect match.
The mare intimidated me…
I wouldn't take her out of her stall alone...
but my tiny daughter was hers to protect…
CC carried her well and they learned to jump fences together…
that was their play time.
My daughter was devastated.
She felt guilt for not having been there, and she feels the loss deeply.

My herd of 6 horses is down to 2 now…
I am wondering what this means.
Am I moving away from horses in my life?
My gelding is 28 years old…he won't last too much longer.
I've learned so much from my horses…
experienced so much peace from their gentle ways…
been amused by what big scaredy-cats they are.
The chapter isn't complete, but the mare that I thought would be with me longest is gone.

Tomorrow is the funeral for the brothers, friends of husband.
We are going to the viewing and Mass…
in the church that he and I attended when visiting his parents.
I am looking forward to the nostalgia…
but will definitely be raw from today's loss.

Tomorrow is S#4's reconstructive surgery. S#5 is there with her now. I hope it all turns out well for her.

I'll visit you here tomorrow, once things settle down.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

too happy

Hi Maggie,

Just popped in to share a vignette before I go to bed.

I have been trying to walk everyday, weather permitting.  The goal is to walk for at least 30 minutes. Once I am out, though, we usually stay longer. Today my granddaughter and I went into the woods. While we were going down a trail, she asked if she could get out and walk. 

Of course.

I was watching her, swing her arms, and I realized she was singing.

Her song: I too happy.  I too happy. I too happy.

What a great companion I have. The conversations are not intellectually stimulating - usually, but the positive attitude is such joy in my life.

Love and hugs and happy, happy-ness,

Clare

shame again...

Hi Maggie,

I'm not really down, although I really appreciate your consideration. Thank you!  I feel more interest, like I need to understand and analyze the dynamics of the way we pass alcoholism down the line.  Your husband's friend's family is a glaring example. This passes on every conceivable level - habits, and physical addiction, and numbing psychological pain...it's psychic,generational...and on and on. It's easy to see in someone else's family, and so easy to be blind to in one's own family.

Just reread...and I have to admit I missed your compliment at the bottom. I am so pretty. I didn't even see that!  Talk about having a block!!

I read an article today that sparked some thoughts about shame.

http://veganstrategist.org/2015/10/05/shaming-vegans-harms-animals-melanie-joy/

The author states that the flip side of shame is grandiosity.  I thought about that quite a while before I decided that the flip side of shame is really deeper shame.  We use grandiosity to pretend, to hide, to try to make others believe we have nothing to be ashamed of...

The people who used shame to control us, were pulling on their adult costume, and being bigger, stronger, better by making little people smaller and worth less.  They did it to us because someone did it to them. I remember doing it to you, my siblings.  I don't know if I did it to my children. I tried not to, but that doesn't mean I didn't succeed.  And besides, when I was yelling, that was demeaning - and kids always think things are their fault. So, I did it...

I feel a bit lost in the swamp right this minute...like I don't have an oar, and I can't move, much less move forward.

But in reality, another part of me is on shore, trying to figure out how to rescue myself.  This is a bit of a dissociative process!

The author said that the grandiose among us use shame to boost ego and to manipulate others.  Maybe...on one level. But really, I think the grandiose are simply discharging pain, and puking it on the most vulnerable among us.  Then we need to develop a sense of righteousness, agan to avoid our own pain.

The end was what hit me hardest though, and I agree with the author 100%,  People who fear making mistakes do nothing...That is me.

So how do I find my vulnerable self, who has been in hiding ever since I discovered I'm not pretty? It is amazing that our vulnerable self is our most powerful self.  That is the part that will take a risk, step into the unknown. And shame takes it from us so easily and so young.

Many times I have had the thought that this is harder than we thought.  When we were on the other side, preparing for birth, we thought we were strong enough to step into generations of sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse,and the accompanying addictions to numb all that pain.  But, damn, this is so much harder than I thought it would be...

Gonna paddle around in the swamp (at least I'm in a canoe, now, rather than doing the doggie paddle!) and see what else I can dredge up and polish.

Love and hugs from Clare

attachment

Clare,
You are right about B#2 and the lack of family involvement. I heard B#4's side of the story…
no motivation…
no interaction…
goes to work comes home and drinks beer…
I have no idea what B#2's story is.
He is probably hurting and isolated.
I should reach out to him…
but cannot invite that energy into my life.
I could offer hims sober community…
I'm not sure he would want to hear me.
B#4 made it ok for him to hide with alcohol each evening…
he has came to the realization that B#2 is going to die of some alcohol related issue…
so why fight it.

The real issue is that we cannot truly connect to each other. We are damaged psyches, left with no real attachments because of the lack of parenting that we were given. I wish ours was a different story. I am trying to make my children's story different. I cannot find a way to create attachment to our parents or most siblings. I am too old, and set in my patterns. I can work collaboratively with almost any of them, towards a common goal, but true connection is not possible.

That's a sad statement.

My husband's friend was expected to die after the last accident, about 2 years ago.
Husband did not go to visit him. I asked him time and time again if he was going to visit, before he died…
he was too busy.
Then he recovered enough to go to rehab and home, still no visit.
Last night he was reminiscing…
he first met this friend in third grade at the catholic school. That year this friend's dad died from injuries sustained from a fall while intoxicated. Husband was remembering the hearse at the church and the nuns telling them that the boy's father had died. What a memory.
We will be going to the funeral on Friday in the same church that they went to grade school in…
deja vu for husband…
only this time is will be two sons in the hearses.
Their mother is still alive…
what she must be going through.
The younger brother had been incarcerated several times for DUI…
neither had worked much in the past decade because of their alcohol addiction…
estranged from their ex-wives and children.
It's such a sad story all around.
Anyway, the true problem lies in lack of attachment and trust.

Sorry to bring you down.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
PS- YOU ARE SO PRETTY!!

I'm so pretty

Hi Maggie,

I'm sorry about your husband's friend's death.  I'll bet everyone talked about what he needed two years ago, when he almost killed himself.  But when he survived, life reverted to normal...

It's a lot like our family, with B#2's suicide attempt. I have heard through the family grapevine that things are bad again. But no one is doing anything. We all wanted him back on our coast so he would be near family.  But in reality, nothing had changed.

What does it take to be noticed? Or, maybe a better question is - does the pain ever stop?

Actually, something has changed.  We have created this space. We have learned that the pain can lessen...

I watched my baby today. She came in wearing polka dot pants and had two pony-tails, two flowered barretts and a flowered headband.  She put her arms out and announced,  "I'm so pretty!"  And I agreed, whole-heartedly.   The other day, I glanced back in her car-seat and caught her making faces. I laughed and told her she was so pretty.  And then I stopped, and reminded myself that I need to tell her how smart and strong she is. I don't want her to value being a Disney princess too much!

I stopped to wonder if I ever made that announcement...I'm so pretty. I don't think I have.  The closest I can get is - I'm not too bad. 

So how do we raise her to remember this? And then add strong and smart to it?

One last little observation for the day. I saw a meme that said Imagination used in a positive way is creativity.  Imagination used in a negative way is anxiety.

I need to remember this!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Fun Family

I worry sometimes that we don't spend enough time together as a family...I mean, I worry in general, but specifically about my children and their families.

But we get together, like tonight, and I am left with sweet feelings.  I have so many snapshots in my head to treasure.  Uncles playing with kids, kids being passed around the table, conversations.

They are all so beautiful.  I am so grateful, for each of them.

Tonight, we had a German themed dinner, as chosen by the birthday boy.  I made a lettuce with hot bacon dressing salad - yeah, I know. I don't eat bacon, but...I was thinking about it, and these kids are the fifth known generation to eat this recipe.

I made it for my mother-in-law's mother once.  She was my favorite person in the extended in-law family.  I loved her so much.  She asked how I had learned to make it, and then told me that she had made the same dish the very first time my father-in-law came to her house for dinner, when he was first dating my mother-in-law.

I like tying a family together through history through foods.

I had my son's two kids here overnight. They helped me pick apples that we used to make an apple streudel.  My daughter-in-law called to check in and to see if they wanted to come home for a few hours.  They both said no, but then my granddaughter realized it was Sunday and she had homework to do.  So she went home for a few hours, and the boy stayed with me.  So he rolled a streudel. It was so much fun having him...

So, nice day.  No phones at the table - and it's not even a rule.  Everyone was just here.  Simply present.

I am grateful.

Love and hugs from Clare

good and bad

Clare,

I will have to check out that website.

I've had a good day. Meeting with potluck after. I put a bite of what I thought was green beans and quinoia into my mouth and had to politely spit it out because it was some sort of sausage, finely ground up. That's always a hit at a table of Friends.
I spent the morning with my 91 year old friend…always a pleasure.
I made onion soup and then mowed the lawn.
The sun was finally shining and it felt good.
I spent yesterday on the couch with a terrific headache. I think it was from trying to do "crunches" on Tuesday at an aerobics class. I convinced myself to take the class prior to sling yoga called Dance Party. It was a lot of fun until she had us do crunches and other spot muscle work.
I hate to say it, but I'm too old for that shit. Just give me stretching an cardio work.

We had some sad news this weekend. A friend of husband, since catholic grade school, died in a car accident along with his brother. Both were killed when the car flipped on a rainy road and slid on the roof into a pond. We are both shocked, but not surprised. Husband's friend was in a near-fatal accident about 2 years ago, he flipped a car on a back road, survived with multiple injuries. Most of his friends considered this a suicide attempt. He had years of alcoholism and multiple losses. So, the question now is how did this happen along with his brother, who also had serious alcohol abuse. Husband and I were discussing the Adult Children of Alcoholics' characteristics and how these brothers fit the pattern. It is sad to have watched this friend's life fall apart.
It's amazing how the patterns repeat generation after generation…
it's incredibly sad…
and yet no one notices until it is too late.

Why do we fail to notice patterns?
Why do we want to believe that people are just going through a bad period…for 40 years or so?
This will be an incredibly sad funeral.

I've got to prepare for tomorrow's lecture.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

don't have to

Hi Mags,

Quick check-in.  I had the littlest one last night, and the other two are coming in a little while and will stay here tonight, then help me prepare their dad's birthday dinner tomorrow.. So I'm going to write fast.

I remember going out with my youngest once.  We had Chinese or something, but during our dinner, we watched a couple at a nearby table. They shared a meal, but never spoke to each other.  They only interacted with their phones.

 And, I saw a cartoon - a drawing of a group of teens walking, looking at their phones. The caption said The Zombie Apocalypse has occurred!

The phones, and technology in general, is addictive...one more way of escaping the pain of life.

I was with my youngest at the grocery store today.  I was walking, looking at my list, and she came up and told me the guy we just passed was on something. He could not even walk straight.  I never saw him.

I guess I don't even need an electronic distraction to be oblivious, unconnected.

I talked to someone I respect a great deal about this.  He went off to a place where he does things to make up for the evil that is caused by our getting stuff.  He showed me a website called Good Planet where you can calculate your carbon footprint from your travel and pay for it. The money is used to plant enough trees to offset the added CO2.  He also talked about keeping the same phone for 10 years.  Both are good.  But it's also justifying - because we NEED it for work.  It's all rationalization.  It's as if we can not/will not take that step into the misery of child miners and suicide fences.

It's kind of like the difference of trying to salvage someone who's been through child abuse, to help them find some sense of sanity, rather than stepping into the horror of the abuse and stopping it in the act, or before it begins.

The abuse continues in the dark. We rescue one, but the abuser has another in their clutches.

I have begun thinking that psychically, we feel the pain attached to our gadgets.  It adds to our need to numb.

One last observation...in the past if someone was having a problem - a car breakdown, for example, we would stop and see if we could help.  Now we don't even look twice. We know they have a phone, and don't need us. We don't have to care anymore...

Enough from me. I'll be back tomorrow evening after everyone goes home...

Love and hugs from Clare

How long?

Clare,

Wear it as long as you can…
How long can I wear something and not even notice the suffering?
How easily can my mind ignore others' suffering?
When is the time to finally see clearly?

I am trying to imagine my life without that phone for instant connection…
I realize I want that connection…
even if it isn't true human connection.
It gives me a certain sense of certainty and security.
I can check in with any of my kids at any moment and feel reassured that they are all right.
I can call for help if I am ever stranded.
I can get husband to bring home things that I've forgotten.

I have been consciously trying to not just use it as entertainment. I am more aware of the real lack of connection by people hanging out with each other. No one talks. They are either looking at their phones or playing virtual reality games. I heard they are trying to create screens that are so detailed and 3D that people believe they enter the virtual reality. So, I try to keep my phone away, not pull it out if I'm waiting for someone or in a line. I try to make eye contact with others and even exchange a few words. It's hard though. It's easier with older people.

I've got a wicked headache…again. I had a massage yesterday and felt fabulous. She was able to release these knots in my neck that never relax. Then we went to son#2 football game. It was 48 genres and raining on and off. Shivering makes everything go into spasm in my upper body. So today I will work on getting my neck to release…again.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie