Victim thoughts

Hi Love!

Go ahead and rant.  I have known this young woman since she was about 9 or 10, and she has often said she thought she was adopted by the wrong women or that she wants to have a relationship with her mom like I have with my youngest or that she wants to move back up here, near her Dad - who is my friend, and be part of our family.  Somehow I have become part of her safe place, her community, even though I don't know if I am good enough, strong enough.  I do love her enough, though. That may just be enough.

What is becoming clear for me, when talking to my young friend, and then recalling my marriage, and then our family dynamics, is that once we have identified ourselves as victims, our sanity depends on maintaining that.  All of our observations and interpretations about life are analyzed to maintain that.  I know what happens when that shatters. It hurts like hell.  Not only do we have to look at what happened to us, we have to look at what we have done to others.

Mostly what we have done to others is below the radar screen, so we don't have to even recognize it.  Calling kids names, ignoring them, pushing them around.  It kills part of their souls, lets them know they are rejected, not loveable, not valued - but, hey, it's normal...

My ex saw the kids once or twice a year, called them every few months.  Yet he persists in telling the story of being kicked out and denied his children.  He conveniently forgets our mediated agreement that said he could have them whenever he wanted for as long as he wanted.  That doesn't fit with his version of reality.  He needs to be victim and he needs to surround himself with people who maintain his version.

The same is true for my friend's mother.  My friend is calling her mom on her behavior, challenging her worldview and it's becoming obvious that her mom would rather give up her daughter than her story.  The story provides too much safety.

I wonder about people like the sexual predator you are counseling. I know it happened to him - whatever he has done to others- it happened to him. He was the victim, and yet he has victimized others to the point of not being able to hide it.  So he can't hide behind victim.  He has nowhere to hide...

I know we agreed not to tell sibling's stories, but I liked the succinct way you told our brother's story - people get too close, we break it off. It describes a friendship I was in the midst of  when the other got angry, I was holding back from closeness, which added to the screwed up dynamics...But you are right.  B#4 is a great guy, and he deserves the best.  I hope he can find peace within himself.

With Mom - she is blocked by anything sexual. She can't hear it, know it, cope with it.  She simply can't.

I love you.  I hope you sleep well!

Clare