Adaptable

Dear Clare,
Never, ever apologize for honesty. You are acceptable even if you're whiney and teary eyed. That makes you even more perfect and unique. You are acknowledging your emotions…and that is authentic and healthy.

I am also feeling lonely…
or should I say alone…
at the current time.
I am bracing myself up…
fortifying myself to maintain strength and stamina through this current battle…
or stage that my family is going through.
Reading that makes it sound like an all out war…
which it isn't…
it's just a period of growth and change…
but I am telling myself it is a battle to be won or lost…
ridiculous when I think of this…
it's just normal family transitions…
a dynamic family has to go through periods like this to mature and allow each person to become who they are meant to be.

As I re-read this I realize that I am talking to myself…
convincing myself that I do not have to be petrified by my current circumstances…
I can be stressed and made to adapt…
which is the purpose of life and its experiences.
Those who survive and thrive are those who can stay pliant and adaptable…
those who are fittest for the future…
those who will be the future.

So, what does this mean for my current circumstance? Am I teaching myself…
and my children…
to be adaptable, open minded, flexible?
Is that the lesson that I am hiding from?

Ever since my wise friend told me to identify what is most frightening to me…
I have been stress eating.
When I identified that emotions and feelings scree me the most I could understand the stress eating…
it got better, but hasn't quite resolved itself.
When the Reiki healer started to work on my trauma centers…
particularly the male portion…
I have been extremely tight in my hips, pelvis and knees.
I have pain where I haven't felt pain in a long time. I feel as if my body is trying to fortify itself against the memories….
petrify itself…
so that I go on living…
at least look like I am living…
and not have to feel anything that's coming.

I am trying to remain open, flexible, receptive…
but there are parts that just want to go back into hiding…
ignore the memories…
deny the abuse…
re-write my history so that it is easy and pleasant.
But, if I did that, I would truly be dead…
and I will live…

Love and Light,
Maggie