Grounded/ungrounded

I think the rape culture is created and taught.  I don't think that violence is innate.  Not to the level of rape and murder. I think we are taught, brainwashed, directed.

Maybe women go back to abusive men because they don't want to be alone.  They are afraid of being alone.  Personally, I can tell you that alone has serious drawbacks.  But it's survivable.  I know that I am afraid of repeating mistakes, of being drawn in by the same kind of man who I had to leave.  There's that Irish wisdom - Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.  But there's also that threat - if you leave, I will find you.  If you leave I will hurt the people you love.

Watching my youngest, after she left her abuser - I saw him apologize and beg and cry real tears.  He was in pain.  I was very proud of her for realizing he was not going to change, even though his emotions were authentic and he was swearing he would change.  We always want to believe.  My questions is always: What's different?  Are one or both of you in therapy?  If not, the patterns will repeat. It is not  possible to avoid the patterns.

Had a flash of memory today that has been lingering and haunting...I was Skyping with Mom, and told her that S#3 and the grandkids were coming for an overnight next weekend.  S#3 is going to get to meet the new boyfriend.  (I mentioned to my daughter that you were here the first time I met my youngest son's new girlfriend.  It must seem I rely on my sisters a lot!!) Mom said the boyfriend would like S#3, everyone does.  And I reminded her of S#3's similarity to Aunt S. - they both get everyone laughing.

Later I remembered - I accidentally overheard Grammy and Aunt S. talking once.  Aunt S. was married to her third husband, Uncle C.  If you remember, he had been a friend of Grampa's - Mom's dad.  So he was substantially older. 

They hadn't been married long, and Uncle C's mother was ill.  Aunt S. was expected to help take care of the older woman.  She was complaining about it to her mother. Grammy listened for a little while, then suggested to Aunt S. that it was time for her to grow up and do what needed to be done.  This was her husband now, so in loving, gentle terms - Deal with it.

I didn't get the impression that either was at peace with the other, although they were genuinely loving.

Thinking about growing up and acting like an adult. Who does? Who doesn't?  Why?

May your sons remain ungrounded, may your household exist in peace!  May your warriors bless each other and find creative ways to channel that spirit.


Love from Clare

Rereading - not that I want your sons to be ungrounded.  I want them to be very grounded and very centered.  I just hope they...you know!!