Rape Culture

"If a woman has (the right to an abortion), why shouldn’t a man be free to use his superior strength to force himself on a woman? At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t (in most cases) result in anyone’s death.” - Lawrence Lockman, GOP Representative, Maine

I am sure you have seen this.  I am flabbergasted.  I don't see the connection,  really.  I want to argue, but no words come.  Every time I start to respond, to put ideas together, they fall apart. 

I know several women who have had abortions.  None were easy decisions.  Everyone agonized.  Their decisions were made because of financial reasons, because of custody reasons, in one case because parents forced it.  None were easy, none had anything to do with sexual freedom, and every woman misses her baby around the time it would have been born.  Every woman also suffers physically. 

Having to endure an abortion is a kind of rape.  Our bodies, our lives, our financial security are all at the mercy of someone else.  Women make a fraction of what men make.  After divorce, a woman's standard of living falls, a man's improves.  Rape. Rape. Rape.

It's all a culture of disempowerment.

Another horrified thought wonders how a man who considers himself superior and would tolerate the thought - who would even entertain it, then speak it out loud - sexually assaulting women should not be a political leader.

He is telling us that in no uncertain terms should we have any control of our own bodies. If we have the freedom to decide not to bear a child, then we are available for rape...we lose the right to decide who we would like to be sexual with.

Rape culture.

I am so nauseated...

Clare

quick note

Read an article tonight about a group of biker's who protect children who have been abused.  When the young person is afraid or afraid to testify, the bikers dress in leather and stand guard 24 hours a day until the young person feels safe again.

Connection and community.

Sleep well...

C.

Mind exhaustion

Clare,

It is very compassionate and generous of you to offer your home and love to these young women. I am sure that it fills a space in their heart and soul. Just knowing that someone cares is helpful.

I think you are right about hearing stories that I am now able to hear…but there are times when I question my own readiness…I guess I have to trust in the process.
Today I did a guided meditation with a young woman…it was really amazing…I felt myself totally relax and go with it too.

I am still rather tired from last weekend, I notice that I am fatigued much earlier than usual and my mind is too tired to consider complex ideas in the evening…it's kind of weird. Last night I was trying to decide what patterns to order to begin the costuming project and had to put it away because I couldn't choose between 2 types of breeches. I had to go back to it this morning…it's humbling.

I have been feeling a lot of gratitude this past week. Last weekend's activities certainly reminded me how fortunate I am…but my house is experiencing a peacefulness that was lacking for the previous 6 weeks or so. My sons are actually settled and pleasant to be around…they are doing their work…they are not deliberately breaking rules. I am sure that the storms are not over…but we seem to have survived this last one. I am grateful for the respite.

I am also grateful to be gathering with you and S#3 next week…I am so looking forward to it. It will be a very relaxed time, just being together.

Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie

Another long day

Ahh...the end of another long day.  I'll post, make dinner, then crash!  I thought it was Wednesday, so the fact that it is Thursday is making exhaustion easier to bear!

My young friend lives in another part of the US. She hopes to move back here next year.  I hope she does. The weather is harder to take, but the community is fine!  She made a nice realization about the difference between being the mother and the mommy. She pointed out that some women are good at both, but it's possible to only be good at one.  And she got a mother. She ended by saying she hopes she never lets pride stand between her and her children, between her and being a mommy.

We have another situation here, with another young woman in an abusive situation.  Friends have witnessed the way the boyfriend speaks to her - abusively. Now she has bruises on her arms.  My daughter got in her face and pointed out that it will get worse. And she reminded this friend of how hard it was when she left her abuser and came home pregnant.  But my daughter said that after she walked through the fear and got out, once she believed she was out, suddenly a great weight lifted and she has never felt so high in her life.  But we also reminded this young woman we are always here for her.  Our home is and always will be her home.

My daughter has just begun a new relationship.  I am pleased with her choice. But being in the relationship is bringing back a lot of the pain of the former relationship. For instance, she was wrestling around, playing, with her new companion and he put his hand up. She involuntarily flinched. He was very upset...both because someone had taught her to flinch, and because she would flinch around him. He is also making her aware of her need to apologize about every little thing that might annoy him - like falling asleep. He keeps reassuring her it's okay.  I think this will be very healing for her. She has drawn a good teacher into her life.

I lent my copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves to a friend going through a divorce.  I think she still has it..Thanks for the reminder!

Sometimes I think I have rewritten some of my memories. But I am not sure...I do know I am more aware of what happened than some of our sibs though!

I think the stories you are hearing are more, more, more layers of Me, too!  I think you are hearing them because it is time, and because you have the strength and the wisdom.  I think they will help you integrate on many levels...

Love and hugs,

Clare

Integrating

Clare,
We hold onto the victim identity to remain sane…until it no longer works for us…until being trapped in powerlessness is more painful that moving forward. That's what the drawing "Blossoming is Bliss" was all about. Being the victim is also one side of a coin, with survivor on the other side…it still holds you in its tight grip…emotionally and physically paralyzing you.

The only way to truly be sane is to walk through the painful swampy fire-storm that we are walking…it's about gathering all of the courage that you can muster and just taking the steps into the fear and pain. The amazing thing is that as you release the painful memories …it becomes much less painful…and I have been able to reclaim certain parts of my soul that I had left behind.

You could share the Women Who Run with Wolves book with your young friend….particularly the "lost zygote" part about feeling like you were placed with the wrong parents…I have felt that so many times.

The perpetrator has made me do much thinking about our siblings who have rewritten their childhood memories. This boy is only a few years into cohesive memories…only a few years out of protective foster care…and he can't remember what he did to others and what was done to him…in a weirdly twisted way I believe the Divine is showing me how common this type of amnesia is…and to feel less frustration because of it. It's not about them lying to save face…their mind really cannot hold those memories in an accessible way. The problem is that healing is not possible without letting all of that go.

The beauty of Reiki is that the Reiki master can release that trapped energy/memory and the person doesn't have to have full recall. I have stories that flash into my mind as she is working…but the really difficult stuff is mostly just tense energy sensations moving through my body. I really do think it is miraculous for those who have been so deeply violated…perhaps it could help your young friend. If I ever get trained I would help gladly her…but that may be a year or so in the future.

I am really coming to a more integrated, peaceful state of mind and body…although I fear being split again by the stories that I am hearing. I have to trust that the Divine will offer me stability…through you, and other supportive people in my life.

My mind is fried today.
Love and Light.
Maggie

Victim thoughts

Hi Love!

Go ahead and rant.  I have known this young woman since she was about 9 or 10, and she has often said she thought she was adopted by the wrong women or that she wants to have a relationship with her mom like I have with my youngest or that she wants to move back up here, near her Dad - who is my friend, and be part of our family.  Somehow I have become part of her safe place, her community, even though I don't know if I am good enough, strong enough.  I do love her enough, though. That may just be enough.

What is becoming clear for me, when talking to my young friend, and then recalling my marriage, and then our family dynamics, is that once we have identified ourselves as victims, our sanity depends on maintaining that.  All of our observations and interpretations about life are analyzed to maintain that.  I know what happens when that shatters. It hurts like hell.  Not only do we have to look at what happened to us, we have to look at what we have done to others.

Mostly what we have done to others is below the radar screen, so we don't have to even recognize it.  Calling kids names, ignoring them, pushing them around.  It kills part of their souls, lets them know they are rejected, not loveable, not valued - but, hey, it's normal...

My ex saw the kids once or twice a year, called them every few months.  Yet he persists in telling the story of being kicked out and denied his children.  He conveniently forgets our mediated agreement that said he could have them whenever he wanted for as long as he wanted.  That doesn't fit with his version of reality.  He needs to be victim and he needs to surround himself with people who maintain his version.

The same is true for my friend's mother.  My friend is calling her mom on her behavior, challenging her worldview and it's becoming obvious that her mom would rather give up her daughter than her story.  The story provides too much safety.

I wonder about people like the sexual predator you are counseling. I know it happened to him - whatever he has done to others- it happened to him. He was the victim, and yet he has victimized others to the point of not being able to hide it.  So he can't hide behind victim.  He has nowhere to hide...

I know we agreed not to tell sibling's stories, but I liked the succinct way you told our brother's story - people get too close, we break it off. It describes a friendship I was in the midst of  when the other got angry, I was holding back from closeness, which added to the screwed up dynamics...But you are right.  B#4 is a great guy, and he deserves the best.  I hope he can find peace within himself.

With Mom - she is blocked by anything sexual. She can't hear it, know it, cope with it.  She simply can't.

I love you.  I hope you sleep well!

Clare

Ranting…again

I am glad that you pointed out the connections…
I was able to use that idea as a follow up blog post to last week's…thanks.

My heart breaks for your young friend.
It has taken me a long time to abandon the hope that our mother is going to somehow rise above her own wounds and see the hurt that we all experienced. It just isn't within her.
She, your friend, is going to have to arrive at the realization that her mother is a wounded soul…
unable to bear any more trauma…
even if it vicariously through listening to her own daughter's stories.
I have tried, several times, to tell mom my stories…
she listens and cries…
profusely apologizes…
Mea culpa, mea culpa…
and then asks about the weather.
I've come to understand that she is not callous or ignorant…
she is unable to face the demons that sit within her own past.
She will have to conquer them in another lifetime.
Maybe we will journey together and next time I can help her to fight these demons and triumph…
or maybe next time she will be able to open and listen to the painful trauma stories and feel empathy and compassion. But, I really don't want to come back to this level again.

I sat face to face with a sexual predator last week.
It scared me.
But, I have been placed in a unique situation where I can influence their future behavior. I might be able to stop them from deeply hurting another human being.
I am frightened, because I question my wisdom…
but, if the Divine is putting this at my feet I trust that I will be guided…
I just have to stay open and listen for guidance.

Listening to trauma stories is now my job. Even this predator has his own trauma story. He claims to have no cohesive memories from before he was 10 years old. When I suggested that something must have happened he stone cold, straight faced said, "yeah, I guess something did". When we finally unpack all of that it is going to be grueling. But he's not the only one. Each person that sits opposite me has a story of pain and suffering. It's funny, before I sought counseling and came to peace with my/our story I thought I was so unique…now I realize how common incest and abuse are…one in three…one in three have secrets that are binding them emotionally, physically and spiritually…one in three.
This is a f*%#ing epidemic and we politely let it continue! Generation after generation it continues. Almost every culture has its own "traditions" and it all stems from disconnect to the other…conceptualizing them as property…objects to be used and abused. It makes me so angry.

So, my heart breaks for your young friend. But eventually she will come to realize that there are other people who can consistently be there for her. They can teach her unconditional love and acceptance…if she can find the courage to allow herself to be seen…vulnerable. It's a scary, monumental task.

That's why most traumatized people have such inconsistent relationships…once they get too close we break them off. I am thinking of B#4 and his most recent relationship. Breaking it off when he needs support for his medical issues is classic. He is such a good person though, I wish he could see that he is using escape as an unnecessary protection…and that if he could make that leap of faith and trust his partner…he might just find that lost parent he never had.

Sorry, we aren't supposed to analyze others…forgive me if I overstepped a boundary. I only want good for him…he genuinely is a good person.

Enough of a rant for today.
Love and Light to you and yours,
Maggie

Y'all made it!

The THON sounds amazing.  I'm not surprised your kid made it.  I knew she would.  The family support was great.  You didn't learn that from the Delanas!!  As I was reading your account and feeling your love and joy stream through, I realized the THON was all about connections.  I started seeing connections on so many levels. So it was the opposite of violence, but more - it was human.  It was community and vulnerability.  I think that is why you are feeling so much.  Why your family will float for awhile - until real life mundanely saps the joy - because we don't have enough community or community events to sustain us on this level.  And to sustain it, we need each other and we need events and shared purposes.

I think you may remember my post where I was wishing I could be violent to a woman who allowed her daughter to be molested, raped.  I had a long talk with this young woman today.  Her mother has a new boyfriend, who is trying to step between mother and daughter and protect his lover without really knowing the history.  It is bringing some issues to a head. So we talked...

What she wants is for her mom to apologize.  I told her I recognized that.  But her mother so strongly identifies as a victim she can't possibly apologize without threatening her own sanity which revolves around her self identity- she is the victim. If she apologizes, admits that she did something wrong, her safe place inside  is gone. In speculating, we assume she was probably sexually abused when a child, also. It makes sense, but we'll never know.

I ended up telling my young friend that she will never have a mommy. What she really wants is a mommy, but it will be an unmet need in this lifetime.  Her best bet for experiencing mommy is to mother her children, and learn from that side of the relationship.   She has to decide if what she has is enough.  If not - break off the relationship. If it is, the veneer of a grandmother, the appearance of family, then she has to accept what her mom can offer and not expect/demand/long for anything else.  Because she is wasting all of that time focused on her mom that she could be spending with her children - with adoring them and being fascinated by their development and personality.

It was a hard talk, because I had to ask myself all of the same questions. I looked at some of the photos of the 9 of us together last summer, and realized I simply have no connection to some of my sibs.  It is weird to look at us all together - physically together...

But I also had to wonder what my kids have to settle with from me...

Well, questions like that mean I no longer see myself as victim!!

Love and hugs...sleep well little sister,

Clare

Surrounded by positive energy

Clare,
We survived THON…
we actually thrived at THON.
It was and incredible weekend, it was filled with laughter and singing…
some shouted conversations over the other 15,000 people in the building…
support and love were everywhere.
There was frustration with the pass system for getting onto the dance floor with the dancers…
but thankfully the lines for food and bathrooms were short…
and people were smiling.
I commented to my daughter#2 about how happy everyone was…
for 46 hours we were bathed in positive energy…
the whole event is about helping others when they need it most.
It was especially good to see veteran THON families helping the newbies…
those who had fought the battles…
some winning and some losing their children…
helping those who are struggling now.

There is one family in particular, who lost their daughter on Christmas morning who attended with their other 2 children. I knew their story because they are the THON family of daughter#2's campus. They were so tentative and looked overwhelmed when they arrived Saturday morning…
by Saturday evening they were surrounded by loving supportive parents who had children with cancer and students who just want to love them…
they were smiling and happy and their kids were playing with others.
I watched the Mom's face as a band played a song about loving and being seen…
she was living those words…
right there in front of me…
she was feeling every emotion…
I could see it in her face...
It was good for my heart…and those of the others in the building I would say.

Daughter#1 was strong, mentally and physically…
but she allowed her support people to help her and share the experience every step of the way.
She LOVED the messages from everyone!
I received text after text from her about them…
or she would run over to our corner in the stands and yell, "Miss Marybeth!?! Really?!?"...
she would sometimes just text a name from her past with emoticons of excitement and appreciation.
I think this weekend will give her a very different, much broader idea of the true support network that she has in this world. I was able to get messages from her grandparents, and 3 aunts (thanks), her first babysitter, her teachers, her gymnastics coach (from when she was 6), her kindergarten best-friend and her mother…and so many others…I am too tired to remember all of them.

She said she will make a scrapbook and put all of that love into it…
what a wonderful reminder that will be…
not only of the incredible weekend…
but also of the people who have helped to shape her into who she is.
I wish I had a scrapbook like that.

Anyway, they raised a record amount of money, $13.3 million…
that really resets my belief in young people and their abilities.

Daughter #2 and I stayed most of the weekend in the building, but not all of it.
We both left about 4 am Saturday…slept for 5 hours and showered and returned about 12 noon. Husband and sons arrived about 8 and got to see the pep rally- all of the teams do dance routines for entertainment. I took the sons back to the hotel about 11…husband and daughter#2 stayed. About 3 am husband returned to the hotel so I got dressed and returned to the dancers…the building was at capacity so I had to go to an overflow area for 2 1/2 hours and then got into the building. After that daughter#2 and I stayed until 4pm when it was all over.

It was grueling, especially for daughter#2 who was on her feet for 27 hours straight…I can't imagine how those dancers felt, many were being supported (literally held up) by their THON families. In Viktor Frankl's book about WW2, he told about Nazi tortures of forcing people to stand still for extensive periods of time…I caught a glimpse of that this past weekend. Daughter#2's feet are swollen past her ankles and tender to touch. I haven't spoken to daughter#1 yet…but I would assume she is in pain as well…although she runs extensively so her body is used to physical demands out of the ordinary.

Courage, Wisdom, Strength, Honesty…those are the four diamonds…it was so good to see all of that play out in front of our eyes.

I am so grateful for your love and support.
Love and Light

PS- I just spoke with daughter#1 she is awake and getting ready to walk to class…what a woman!

Checking in-ish

Saw some photos of the THON.  Looks like you daughter is still smiling.  Way to go, girl!!

I have had a lot going on all weekend.  Watched grandkids, time with middle child, dinner with friends.  I have two old, old friends - I've known each of them for 15 years.  And they have known each other, aside from knowing me. They decided we should all start getting together, along with another friend they have each known for a long time, but I met about a year ago when we started trying to get together once a month.  So all of these independent connections coalesced.

So last night we met for Vietnamese food and talk.  And as always, I left with a lot to mentally chew on.

In our conversation, I said we live in a rape culture.  One man who is progressive and open minded and extremely peaceful said we had a problem with our culture, maybe it more than a rape culture.  I tried to explain that rape is about disempowerment.  It's about someone more powerful controlling you, using you, taking your choices.

I think I have this concept fairly well developed now.  I think I can make sense when I explain this.

Everyone asked about my kids. The newest person, for me, has only met my youngest and her babe.  He really likes both of them and everyone asks.  But last night the people who have known my and my children longest talked a little about how great my kids are, how much they have grown up, how much they miss them.  And they made me feel proud.  I had a moment of,  "I created this."  I created the family culture.  We're not perfect, but we're okay.

Looking or ward to hearing Thon-reports!

Love and support,

Clare

reasons?

Hey,

I hope you're all having a blast at the THON.  Are you going to stay awake as long as your daughter dances?

I had to get through colic, too - the first time.  After about 6 weeks of constant nursing and crying, of being awake at 4 am, crying with my infant - sure I would never be a good mother - I went to a nursing mother's meeting and my counselor recommended I stop all dairy products. I did and within days I had a different baby.  The same was true with all my babes.  Their dad almost died as an infant.  He was severely allergic to cow's milk formula, and was projectile vomiting everything he was fed.  They had him on baby foods when he was weeks old, and that sustained him until they found a soy formula he could tolerate.  My oldest was also projectile vomiting.

I read a lot of Lendon Smith, writing about food allergies.  We have more allergies to foods that are introduced too early. Many kids developed allergies to cow's milk, and so manufacturers started producing soy formula.  Guess what we're allergic to now...Soy, of course.

I think this movement toward feeding a baby with a rubber nipple, making the mother unnecessary, is one of the first broken connections we suffer.

It's part of the whole movement toward things representing connection, because we don't know how to connect.  So I'll show you I love you by giving you a new toy...

As far as the autism, I have read theories.  A friend from high school is an autism advocate.  She is sure her child developed autism because of a MMR vaccine.  Her baby had the vaccine, got sick, had a massive diarrhea, which was actually the shedding of the intestinal mucosa layer.  There are coincidental statistics showing the mirrored results comparing the increase in vaccines with the increase in autism.

But a young midwife I am acquainted with found something different.  She showed a direct correlation between the use of prenatal ultrasound and autism.  She found something, a study or something, that showed that ultrasound can create hot spots in the brain and can cause localized destruction.

I have long felt that ultrasound is like X-ray.  I had an older friend, and when he was young the doctor X-rayed his acne.  He developed skin cancer.  X-ray went from being used in shoe stores to show how children's shoes fit to being used more judiciously.  Now we wear aprons to protect our reproductive systems, and we wear bibs to protect our thyroids. Not such a safe technique, after all. I have a feeling we are going to stop and realize we should not have been using ultrasound so  rampantly.  I refused for all but one pregnancy - the second one when I woke up in a gush of blood.

Ultrasound is rather invasive.  It is a breach of connection on some levels.  We are not even safe in the womb.

And of course there are the chemicals and poisons in the air, in the water, in our food - all capable of poisoning any one of us.  I read that every sample of human milk tested in the US had jet fuel in it.  Every single sample every place in the whole country.

Then we're shocked and saddened that our children are cut off, unable to connect right from the beginning.

Just sharing thoughts I have had...not sure where they will go.

Good luck, and lots of caffeine to you all...Love from

Clare

Autism…disconnect from birth

Clare,

I agree that violation creates the disconnect…
or shall I say destroys the connection…
but there are many kids being born now who cannot connect…
we have so many kids with Autism and related spectrum…
what is going on?
What is the connection that leaves them unable to connect to other people almost from day one.
When I had kids…
colic was a problem…
3 or so months of the baby crying through the day…
and now we have kids who cannot make eye contact; are emotionally mute, deaf and dumb; kids who are untouchable but not unlovable.
What is going on?

I had a wonderful discussion with my students today…
off topic…
and we are really behind on the syllabus…
but it was compelling.
They were asking about epigenetics…and environmental stress…and environmental changes…and mass extinctions…and the brain's capacity to expand and master so much more than we already do…it was so much fun. I hated to end it…but we had to start the lab to get that done.
I love teaching on days like these.

I had 2 new clients today…
both 14 year old adolescent boys/men…
I told husband that the universe really wants me to have to learn to deal with 14 year old adolescent males…
one way or another I am being given the opportunity.
They break my heart because they are both very active, aggressive boys who just don't fit into the world they find themselves in. Don't get me wrong…they need guidance and counseling…but this is a cruel world for those who are different. I feel as if 100 years ago they would have plowed fields and hunted, fished and spent a lot of time outdoors…with great contentment…now they are in a sedentary, intellectually demanding world with little patience for those who fit outside of the box. The one told me his strengths are curiosity, ingenuity, creativity and strength (physical and emotional)…and he has 3 diagnoses. It breaks my heart…but I love the challenge of finding the diamond in the rough…I should say helping them to find the diamond in their rough.

This weekend I am going to daughter#1's campus for the dance marathon. I am already tearing up just thinking about it. She has worked so hard and this weekend will be physically and emotionally exhausting for her…and yet she wants to do this…as much as she has wanted to do anything lease in her life. I will take my computer along…but don't know how much I am going to check in. I want this to be a raw experience for all of us…open my heart to this emotional tidal wave that I know is coming…so I may just stay disconnected for the weekend. I am not sure…either way, I will be back to this on Monday…I will meet you here in cyber-space for our connection.

Love and Light,
Maggie

circles

The predictions tell us we can't turn back. We  can't stop this boulder from rolling down the hill.  But we can get some of us out of the way.  Or maybe we can alter the path just a little, and preserve more species, more water, more trees.

I am willing to write together.  I had a thought last night - you write from the point of connection, I write from the point of violation.  Then I started thinking about our lack of connection.

Once we have been violated, our shame isolates us.  We have lost connection. The shame, the pain - it hurts.  It hurts all the time.  The child in us understands that we were violated because we are not loveable, we are bad, we deserved it.  Think about the messages we receive as children.  You said it.  We are hurt and humiliated for our own good, to teach us a lesson, to make us decent citizen, acceptable to be around others.  The pain is always there, and so we must numb and/or release.  We release by violating others.  We numb with video games, television, pornography, alcohol, food - chocolate, sleep ---  anything that keeps us from feeling.  But if we sit ion front of a screen all day, the lack of connection streams into all aspects of our lives.  We are not connected to nature - it is outside. We are not connected to each other, although the response on social media makes us believe we are.

I think we need foods that are more numbing.  So we eat processed foodstuffs. We are cut off from our bodies, we are cut off from the way the food was produced.  We don't associate our chicken nuggets with animals, and so it is hard to see the piles of wire cages with girls packed in, never being able to see the sun.

So maybe the key is that violation destroys connection. 

The question becomes, how can we heal the violated?  That is the way to stop the need to release pain by violating others.

The answer is always love, but what if we can't even define love???

Circles, my mind is going in circles.

I need to move some more firewood inside.  And start a spaghetti squash for dinner,

Love to you and yours...and really looking forward to our sisters weekend!!

Clare

More on connection

Clare,
The Native prophecies are frightening…and yet there is hope in them.

It's funny that you are back to connections…so am I.
It has been tugging at my heart for the past few days, so I explored it for my other blog.
I am going to copy and past it in here because it's a members' blog.

I spend a lot of time thinking about violence and violation. It’s more than a sick hobby; I want to discern humans' failure to acknowledge their impact on another human, animal, or the earth.  Violence is a universal experience- nearly impossible to escape. After much rumination I keep coming back to the word connection.

Connection is defined using the word connect. Using a word to define itself generally signifies a complex concept, difficult to put into words. Connection is a mosaic involving communication, and joining, and intimacy, and causality; it is about relationship.

Herbert Melville wrote, "We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.” Understanding the inter-relatedness of human beings with each other and their environment is key to understanding connection and health.

How many people appreciate their dependence upon plants on a daily basis, or even monthly or yearly basis? OK, we probably acknowledge the food we consume, some of it may actually be natural, plant material.

But do we stop to consider a more basic need- breathing? Most have forgotten the photosynthetic cycle, perfectly complementary to the metabolism of glucose through glycolysis, the TCA cycle and oxidative phosphorylation occurring in our cells; Wow-put into those terms it is reasonable to forget. To break that down, plants take water, carbon dioxide and sunlight and convert it into sugars, water and oxygen. Humans (animals) use those sugars, water and oxygen to make ATP energy for living and give plants carbon dioxide and water. This cycle is the heart of a positive, balanced symbiotic connection- they feed us and we feed them. And, despite this scientific fact, we continue to clear cut the earth’s forests, monocrop, allow erosion and depletion of topsoil, pollute and look the other way for numerous other violations of our partner plants. We have twisted this relationship into a nonsustainable, parasitic one.

We are reminded by Chief Seattle that, "Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.”

But, we conveniently disconnect. It’s easier to forget that most of the meat you are consuming was raised in a concrete feedlot packed full of animals- fed an unnatural diet- and their waste. It’s easier to maintain our current fossil fuel consumption than to acknowledge it’s devastating impact on the environment and work towards sustainable alternatives. It’s easier to make and break relationships because they no longer serve us- or demand connection- than to expose ourselves in true vulnerability and work to create true connection.

Connection between humans is a necessity for health. Humans are not meant to live in isolation, even religious hermits gathered for worship. Relationships require respect, vulnerability, and the suspension of judgments- knowing the other as they honestly are.

People yearn to be seen, heard, and appreciated. Unfortunately, many who have been abused or neglected fear these as well. Many are surrounded by people all day and yet consumed by loneliness. Many who have been maltreated carry those behaviors into their own relationships- violating their partners, family and friends. Their relationships lack true connection. Ai Yazawa wrote, " People can’t just be tied together. They have to connect. Otherwise, they’ll find themselves bound hand and foot.”

Are we prisoners in our own lives by disconnect?

Each time I consider this topic, I expect to find some clarity, but it just becomes more complex.  I continue to seek understanding of violence and violation. 

So those are my thoughts today on connection. I think we are supposed to start on the collection of material from victims/survivors/thrivers. I think the common thread will be disconnect. I am not sure that i am ready for this, but I am ignoring something from the universe…

and it is making me damned uncomfortable. 

I have an anxiousness in my body…

reflux, tension…

and I am allowing drama to distract me…

all classic signs that Maggie is avoiding a task.

Perhaps we can brainstorm and outline some of this while we go on our retreat in a few weeks…

it might be more efficient to do this face to face…

maybe S#3 will have insight and guidance about our methods, concepts, other stuff.

Maybe it's time to begin.

Love and Light,

Maggie

Cushions

Hi Maggie,

I did my taxes last night.  I hate that job.  And I was up later than usual.  I looked at the blog, and looked at my schedule, and saw a big hole this morning - ah, time to write then...  But when I got up and got started, my schedule had filled in.  Then today we had a cord of firewood delivered before I was finished writing my reports.  So I am finally making it here.  Yay me!

I'm glad you and S#3 have each other.  She is wonderful.  She stays so calm no matter how bad things get.  But it's good to have someone to talk to. And I always remember how discrete she was when she decided to try and kill herself.  So she is in my heart a lot of time.  And you are so practical, it helps to have you sitting there.

I think that when someone is reading a past life, they see what is most appropriate for here and now.  Just because the boys' experiences seem disparate doesn't mean they are.  They both may have been part of each of the lives they heard about, but each is working strongly with what was shared with them.


http://www.fwii.net/profiles/blogs/indigenous-prophecies-fulfilled-dr-lee-brown-eastern-Cherokee

So this is where my mind has been.  I have been thinking about the last section. We can still cushion. How do we cushion?  Somehow it gives me hope.  I have been awake in the middle of the night thinking about gardens and plants and dogs and community.  I have been thinking about education and social justice.

Guess I am thinking about connection.

Anyway, it's the end of a long day. One more chore, then off to bed with me.  Hope I feel inspired, and awake, tomorrow!!

Love and hugs,

Clare

A good reminder

Clare,

I like the thought that these boys are gifts…
I needed that reminder.
They have been exceptional in many ways…
why should I expect their transition into manhood to be anything less.

I had a talk with S#3 today…
I am glad she reached out.
We brainstormed some solutions…
and she seemed calmer than I would be under the circumstances.
She seems to be experiencing a myriad of emotions…which is good and healthy…as long as she projects them away from herself.
When she told me the circumstances for the move I felt immediate discomfort in my solar plexus…
another instance of one family member reaching out with generosity…only to pull the rug out from under your stability.
I immediately thought of the promise you heard about getting the house…only to have that pulled out from under you.
I thought of many promises over the years that were left unfulfilled.
"Delana's don't stick"…was the excuse…
I am sorry but translation to real life is "Delana's run away when things get tough or demanding"…
they take their toys and run for the hills…
I wish there was an awareness of the deeper wounds that drive these actions and reactions…
rather than the knee jerk, primitive responses that we are habitually making…
the wake we leave is hurting so many.

I saw my Reiki healer today…
she told me that I am surrounded by negative energy today…
and that my trauma centers are filling with drama from my boys…
I have to learn to remain open, but not absorb or attract that negative energy.
She saw my boys last week…
she read a few of their past lives…
and then told them a little about their current life…
they loved it…
and she is pretty accurate in her impressions.
She pegged the older on as a 'Gatsby' type…playboy…laissez faire...very true…and he loves that movie and book.
She described several warrior lives for the younger…one of service to a high ranking official, and one in which he was a warrior-king type in Wales.
It really is fascinating to hear all of this.
I try to figure out why we are all in the same family at this time?
What lessons are we teaching and learning?
What do we really mean to each other?
But, the truth is that those lessons won't be clear until I leave this world and pass through the veil.
I just have to love them as best I can.

I hope that you have a wonderful night. Stay safe in all of this wintery weather…
Love and Light,
Maggie

It's hard!

I remember how hard it was to have hormones  changing my body, my thoughts my understanding.  I remember how much I continually changed until I was about 22. It's really hard work.  None of us thought the rules pertained to us. We all thought adults were stupid. Your son is just verbal enough and safe enough to share it aloud.

I'm not sure which son is doing what, but my youngest girl compares your older son to my youngest son. Beautiful and charming and able to slide through so many things on these attributes.   Then life rears up and smacks them.  When they get it, life calms down.  When they don't get it, a friend of mine says - Spirit comes back and whacks them up alongside the head with a 2x4.  Still don't get it?  Spirit comes back with something larger...

Mine didn't listen, but I often said that if they think the laws are unjust, then they have a responsibility to try to change them.  With the way our country is changing, and the ever-apparent burgeoning power of the police state - the last thing they should want to do is break the law and make themselves vulnerable to the unjust power.

Gifts, like these boys have, are also trials.  Being smart and beautiful - and I'm talking about all of them - can be hard.  And again, as my oldest friend tells me frequently - it's the change in brain chemistry at age 25 when they understand they are mortal and bad things can happen to them. With my youngest son, my frequently repeated prayer - Just get him to 25, please. This week, he will be 27. And it's been a pretty quiet 11 months with him...yeah, don't ask.

I know men who are great with pets.  I guess I know quite a few vegan men.  So your initial reaction to adoption is a little foreign to me.  But I recognize the pattern.  It is always shocking when our innate bigotries show up.  I was getting to be good friends with a man, once years ago.  We had all kinds of really interesting lifestyle talks and information-exchanges.  Then I found out he was an OB-GYN.  I knew he was the bad guy - because I only ever went to midwives, and would only be attended in birth by someone who had physically given birth.  I was shocked, then I laughed at myself.  Then I gave him a chance.

My daughter had several friends spend the weekend.  I am so exhausted.  I   need sleep.  I really need sleep...

I love you, I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs of Light...

Clare

Frustration

Clare,

I am going to get really old…really fast with these boys!

Son#1 is playing the golden child…everything is stable on the surface…but, found out through the grapevine that he attended a party last night…where the parents bought alcohol…and got a hotel room so they wouldn't be around.

Son#2 just doesn't understand why rules pertain to him. I keep trying to get him to understand consequences for his actions and he just laughs in my face and tells me he's too smart to get caught…really??? I catch him…just because others let him off because he acts charming and respectful…it doesn't teach him anything.

I am tired of parenting teenaged boys…and I still have 3.5 + years to go.

Can I just say 'stop the merry-go-round I want to get off' now?

I had a great brunch with my daughter…great catching up and talking about current and future plans…and then come home to the youngest telling me how unrealistic and strict I am…my rules are too strict…I just go by the current PA and federal law…


Anyway, Son#2 threw my marital separation and dating another man in my face when he didn't get his own way…when I asked him if he wanted to talk that out …because it obviously still bothers him…he got all tough and claimed it doesn't mean anything to him…no problems there.

Sorry I am ranting…no real ideas…just frustration tonight…
I will come back tomorrow when I am calmer and have better insight.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Cabin fever is setting in...

Clare,
I texted S#3 this morning, just to check in…
she made no mention of the move.
I am worried as well…
I don't want to pry…but if there is anything that I can help with, please encourage her to contact me.
I would happily help her.
It is amazing how so many difficult life-events can happen to one person…

I will hold her in the Light.


While reading your thoughts on adoption I stereotypically thought…
women adopt- men discard once it no longer serves…
Goodness, my biases are strong…sorry.

I went to the gynecologist yesterday. I asked her about genetic testing…the stander test does not test for the mutation that our cousin has reported. So I have to bring more information to my MD and then hopefully will  be able to have the test run. I am wondering if we should urge Mom to have this test done, because of her history she should have the same mutation if it is a family genetic issue.

Daughter #2 and I did arts and crafts today…making pictures for daughter#1 and the young woman who is supporting her for next week's dance marathon. It was a lot of fun. Son#1 even made his own art piece for his wall. We taped off a canvas and ground up crayons, then laid them into a pattern and melted them under the broiler. It was really fun.

How do I teach my son that rules really do apply? He thinks that as long as he outsmarts the rule keepers (police, school disciplinarian, etc.) they don't apply to him. He is so obnoxious when he gets caught breaking rules as well. I think I've created a "monster"…not really…he has always been very considerate and protective…now he is pubertal and he thinks he's "all that and a bag of chips"!

I am really brain-dead today…I have no ideas to share…I will check back in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Roaring, rambling...phhht

No tea party today.  Many forces of the universe have conspired to snow on us!  There is a different chaos in S#3's life, and she needs to move in 6 weeks - unplanned.  I am worried.

My mind has been on our dialog a lot. I go back to infanticide, and I also know we are the species that adopts.  We adopt because we want children and a family.  We adopt because there is someone who needs us.  We adopt other species.  And our hearts melt and we become ooey-goo-balls when we read stories about other species adopting.  Loving and parenting run deep in us, because we are alive and here and part of the Earth.

I almost have to divide us between human and quasi-human.  Between humane and violated and violator.  And I don't just apply those labels to Homo sapien.  What is even more difficult is that so many of us have been violated, and yet we struggle with remaining humane.  And with the other species, the struggle, I think, comes from those same places that violated humane-ity.

There was a meme a few years ago about the two wolves living in our hearts - the cruel one and the kind one.  Which one thrives? The one we feed.  When I read that, I saw the truth.  But I hate the fact that the image is of wolves.

I also think that we are a species of the forest. The trees are part of us, our direct ancestors, our guides. Or maybe, we are part of them.  An herbalist I admire said we'll never truly lose the plant lore as long as we have the trees.  When I read the old fairy tales, so often they make me afraid of the forest.  I have felt fear when "alone" in the forest.  There are others out there, out to get me.  I think the big, bad wolf archetype (?) keeps us out of the forest, separated from home. Make it easier to accept clear cutting, which makes me feel as sad as the murdered giraffe as all the dogs and cats we "put to sleep" everyday.

I had an "experience" once. When my ex and I were living on the farm, he decided we needed to cut down this healthy, gorgeous choke cherry tree that was growing too close to the garage, forcing one wall to slant and tip in.  The garage was pretty  dilapidated - I still wonder why it was more important than a tree.  As he cut, I felt sadness.  It rolled over me, it was palpable. I suddenly understood it was the tree. I had studied biology, I knew the tree was "alive". But this was different. This was one of those defining moments that led me to the knowledge that trees, plants, nature is sentient.

Another of my favorite writers, Derrick Jensen, is also a forest activist. He walks in the forests, alone and at night, and people ask him why he isn't afraid of bears.  So he compared statistics- the number of people killed by bears each year can be counted on one hand I believe.  But the number who die because of car accidents is in the tens of thousands (I think).  He wondered why we don't slink through parking lots being terrified.  We are skewed.  We don't live in reality!

I was on a roll, but my daughter and the baby are up, and so this day has begun in earnest!  I hope you and your daughter have a wonderful brunch, and celebrate her.  A lot.  And I will check in later.

Until then, sending love...

Clare

Dispair is contagious

I, too, have a very soft spot for animals, and people in need. I feel an almost immediate connection with animals, even in pictures. I think, if I was living alone, I would rescue a lot more animals than I already own. But husband keeps that balanced.

So, four horses, two dogs and three cats is where I am at for the moment.

I was appalled when I read about the euthanized giraffe, but generally do not let myself think about all of the other domesticated animals that are euthanized each day, because they were cute as puppies and kittens, but not as endearing as adults. I still remember our father's words that killing our cat was more humane than letting her carry a pregnancy to term without back legs…I hate those words.

I was racing about the world water scarcity…and found a silver lining…China doesn't have enough potable water to be able to frack. They are being held back due to scarce resources. The fact that they have to import water from the US and elsewhere just for drinking is a tragedy on it's own…and we are selling them the great lakes' water. This world's use of natural resources really is unbelievable…it's a bunch of bad, band-aid solutions…instead of thorough planning and thoughtful consideration of enough for all.

I give the environmentalists a lot of credit…it seems hopeless to me…what can be done to reverse this trend? The answer in my mind is that man (universal) has to be eliminated…through natural selection…and within 10, 000 years, or so, a different species will dominate…hopefully one that is brighter and less ego-centric and profit-driven than we are.

I am in despair now too…
Where to start…
individually- Be the change you wish to see
as small groups and communities…
as states and nationally…
or globally?
Or all of the above?

What am I doing? I still drive way too  much. I have too large a carbon footprint…but smaller than most of my friends. I need to do more.
But, what does that look like?

I was just thinking of my daughter's dance marathon next weekend…
wouldn't it be nice if we didn't pollute water, soil, air and food…so that SO many kids didn't develop cancer? Isn't prevention the way to go? Support and intervention are incredibly important, but…what if cancer didn't affect so many.

Also, what about the malaria and dengue fever and AIDS and other vector-borne diseases that kill more kids than cancer does…those are on the rise because of our exploitation of the resources and destruction of habitats…and climate zones…shouldn't we be dancing for them as well? But, most of them are in some far off land, like Africa, out of sight, out of mind.

I am on a roll and my mind is swirling.
I hope that the weather doesn't ruin your tea-party this weekend.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Despair is followed by...?

The other big deal with getting the pan was getting the extra crumbs that dropped off the other pieces of pie. Just one more little thing to bicker over.  I think we spent a lot of time struggling for status. Any bit of attention was enough.

I have been thinking about Peaceable Kingdom today. And the quote about the lion lying down with the lamb.  I think it alludes to a time or a possibility of little violence, or perhaps no violation.

I am very concerned about the fracking going on in the northeast.  Today I saw a photo of a fracked area.  It was lined and outlined with a maze of pipes.  I had the impression of a massive sucker draining the Earth.  Just ripping all the life-force out of her.  Violation.

I discussed nuclear power with someone from a different country today.  Discussed the fact that it is touted as clean energy...just ignore the fact that we don't know what to do with the nuclear waste.  I am still angry at Reagan.  One of the first laws he passed, to be enacted 10 years after passage, stated that the people had to take title to nuclear waste.  Really?  And that each state had to create it's own solution.  The people fought back in New York, and so the state created a "temporary" solution- 25 years ago.  The people thought they won, but really the state did...We can't keep up.  It's not moral.

And...and...and what really makes me mad is that the CEO of Monsanto eats organic food. He won't eat his own GMO fooodstuffs.  But the pollen from his corn is polluting everything. And his grandchildren will not have the luxury of avoiding GMOs.  So either he doesn't give a f*** about his grandchildren or he's a moron.  I can't believe he could possibly be that stupid.  So he must just not care.  He must not have the ability.  I don't know what else it could be.

I'm on a roll.  Today I saw a photo of a dog in a shelter, sitting with her face in the corner. The photo embodied the despair I have been feeling.  It really touched my soul.  I wanted to go to a shelter and find a dog who had no hope and bring it home.  I wanted her, but she's in another part of the country.  Damn, I heard a story about a 9 year old, underfed, overmatted poodle in Spain. and I wanted to rescue her...And the murdered giraffe in Denmark, and poisoned elephants that interfere with OUR palm plantations...My soul is wailing, but what can we do except sign petitions and bring Emilies into our homes and let these dogs know they are safe.

What is wrong with us?  Why are we so callous?  Somehow dumping our dogs at the shelter seems to be equivalent to polluting the world with GMO pollen. There's a breach in us.  Something is broken. And it hurts like hell...

I think you are right.  We are rushing toward extinction.  We all want to do something to help, but not if it means giving up electricity or warm running water or our Smartphones or television.  We feel entitled even though we know it's not sustainable...that is part of the break within, part of our societal schizophrenia.

So I'm feeling angry and hopeful and that another way is possible.  But I don't know how to jump over the ever-widening breach between this sick society and simplicity and health...

I just found out my county has been dumping fracking brine on the roads to melt snow.  We are doomed by those who are blinded by money...

At last my despair has voice tonight...

Clare

Snow days

Why was it a privilege to eat from the pie pan? I guess it was because there was a limited number and if you got one you were special. Too bad that was what defined special in our house. I remember getting to choose the dinner menu and control TV watching on your birthday too. Simple pleasures.

I have spent my day cooking, shoveling and researching for a talk and article on the social justice issues involved with climate change. It has me fired up…we are heading, full speed, into mass extinction number 6 and no one wants to talk about it. I guess it's easier to ignore and then claim ignorance when it happens. But, I am going to take the opportunity to bring environmental topics to light…to help make it clearer to others how important this all is.

Anyway…I just had to investigate a leak…water is coming in through a dormer and dripping into the family room. I am sure there is ice backing up under the roof. Sometimes I hate owning a house.

We had a snow day today…have another tomorrow…and President's day on Monday…nothing like a 5 day weekend. I really like winter…I even like shoveling snow…but all of this time off and togetherness is making me a little stressed.

I don't have any great ideas to write about today. I will be back tomorrow…hopefully with my brain engaged. Stay safe in this snow and ice.

Love and Light.
Maggie

Peaceable Kingdom

I always come back to what it means to be human.  I think about Peaceable Kingdom.  I think about all creatures living together. That would bean ultimate connection.  And I agree that connection is the antidote to violence. I think that humans are basically nonviolent if not violated. But this patriarchy has violated our species, and we have violated the other species.

I know I have mentioned Alice Miller's book - For Their Own Good.  She explores violence in parenting. It goes right along with teaching people a lesson.  Which is chilling.

My daughter has company, and I am distracted.  I will get back to you tomorrow.

I did have another flash of memory.  I made an apple pie yesterday, and I remembered how mom used to make two pies for a dinner.  And we used to fight over who got the pan.  Everyone got their piece of pie on a plate except the last person.  Whoever got the pan got all the crumbs...

Gotta go to bed,

Love from Clare

More musings on violence

I think that difficult times make violence more prevalent, but I think that even in the best of times violence occurs.

As I read your post I am struck by the word connect…
once again violence can only happen intentionally when there is a disconnect of spirits…
seeing self as separate allows you to view another as inferior…or not even a worthy, living being…
When you see the other are less than worthy…it isn't too far a stretch to think that it is helpful to treat them badly…to teach them lessons…God that's a scary train of thought…but I tried to delete it 3 times and it kept coming back …I think it's meant to be written….forgive me if it sounds harsh.

Today, I wrote a blog about revenge porn…there's a law proposed in my state to make it a misdemeanor to post explicit photos in order to exact revenge on a former partner. I found myself calling for a social, paradigm shift to stop questioning and blaming victims for the actions of perpetrators. I think I need to put together a few of these blogged messages and create a strong statement, instead of making partial suggestions.

As for my daughter's motivation…anything that lets her know she is supported will help. She is strong…strong enough to run marathons…and she is smart…and has common sense. I really think she will do well…but she will have to find a depth of strength that she hasn't tapped very often in her life. But, what an amazing opportunity that will be for her.

I met with my friend who invited my to costume her project today. It was so much fun. At the end I surprised myself by telling her that when she called I thought she was going to ask me to invest in her project. I told her how thrilled and edited I was when she asked me to be part of the creative process. I hadn't realized how much I missed this activity…I am glad the door has reopened.

I hope that you have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Thinking...

I saw the family email - asking for ways to support our dancer.  I have been thinking about music, but then realized, there will be music. I will think some more!  I liked your maternal overview of her life.  I hope she can make it for 46 hours.  They have been doing this THON since I was a student.  Does she have a strategy?

So I spent some time reading about infanticide in animals other than humans.  And I read a little about infanticide in humans.  Not a fun topic to read about.  I think the research is skewed.  I keep going back to the survival of the fittest - the theory neglected altruism because it didn't fit.  What if there are extraordinary circumstances, either misconstrued, or simply presented to look normal - because it doesn't fit with the way those who write the books want to see the world.

Our culture has ingrained what is attractive deep into us. We no longer know how to stop and see someone's spirit.  We see appearance and we see monetary potential.  Nothing else matters.

It seems infanticide is most likely when there are not enough resources. How much has our species caused those severe lack of resources?  And since we are there, we watch and analyze. Simply by being, we skew everything.

I have an occasional guilty pleasure. My youngest and I have watched a reality show about a polygamous family.  We appreciate the community bonds they have formed, and envy that lifestyle.  We don't like the shared lover part, but it's not our life and so we don't get to choose or even say anything.  What I was thinking one night as I watched it is that herds are polygamous, one male with a group of females and all their young. And they are prey.

I'm not sure how that fits.

My oldest read a book showing statistics that when women have access to birth control and abortions, the birth rate falls and education rates increase and the kids have a better life.  Not sure how that fits, either.

I don't know, but I think gender politics has been created.  I think it developed when patriarchy came into vogue and destroyed humanity, the environment, spirituality, the creatures who share our lives.  I don't think women agreed to it as much as were violated into it...

Perhaps I am stubborn and have a skewed world view, and am trying to readjust facts to make myself comfortable.  But I really don't think the current analysis is a complete look.

I'll be thinking.

I need to get to bed.  I work early tomorrow morning.

Sleep well.  Enjoy your peaceful home.

Love and hugs from Clare

A day of gratitude

Today I have been on the verge of tears most of the day.
I started my day with an email from a young woman, who doesn't know my daughter or my family, who will spend 46 hours keeping my oldest going through a dance marathon. She has reached out, asking for motivation to help her help my daughter. I am touched.
I reluctantly  sent an email to our family, requesting notes to help motivate daughter#1…
expecting very little response…
I hope that I am wrong…
but family apathy runs deep…
even if it would only take a few minutes to email something.
Then I started to think about the people who have touched her life…
her first babysitter,
her first friend(the babysitter's daughter)
her preschool teacher
her first gymnastics teacher
her horse coaches
her tennis coach
her teachers from grade/middle and high school
her friends' parents who she has maintained ties with
her marathon coach
her marathon partner
the other side of her family

I reached out to each one, making the request…
and they are beginning to come in…
and they fill me with joy.

I also started to reminisce…
-when she was a baby she was willful- refusing anything but the breast- she has used that to her advantage
-when she was a year old, the nurse asked what was in her cup…she replied 'apple juice'…the nurse wasn't expecting a full answer
-when she was two she was so small and weak she couldn't crawl into or out of a toddler bed by herself- now she runs marathons and will dance for 46 hours
-when she was a young girl we found that she was anaphylactic to peanuts- she learned to read food labels very early on- now she's a nutrition major and vegetarian.
-she can work a 1200 lb horse
-she can teach 3+ hours of aerobics in a day
-she is smart, funny, compassionate, level headed, and loving
-she was deeply disappointed last year- not being chosen to dance- and yet she learned that doing good for good's sake is enough of a reward
-she is remarkable
I love her and am so proud of her.

Tomorrow is daughter #2's 20th birthday…
and she is very differently, but equally as gifted and talented.
We shared a quiet day together yesterday…and will have a wonderful celebration over the weekend.

The boys are quiet and getting along...
I am blessed.

Gratitude for the good in my life…
That's what today is all about.
Maggie

A stream of ideas

I am thinking on paper here…not sure where this is going.

There is an innate violence in animals.

In the animal kingdom there is a fight for dominance…
if one male replaces the alpha male of a herd/pride/etc…
he will kill all of the young in order to reproduce his own offspring.

In the past, within evolution, a single male dominated multiple females…this was the rule until the females grew to comparable sizes…
now they are monogamous…
or expected to be.
Females expected the males to protect and provide for them….
which translates into using physical force to keep predators away.
Women are still most attracted to the strong, large, alpha males.
I watch my kids' friends and see who the young girls are pursuing…
the football hero…
the biggest, strongest, fastest…
or the first to hit puberty…develop facial hair, fill out with muscle, deepening voice.
It isn't until women get a little older that they look for the brightest males as well.

I think of those two facts and then about intimate partner violence.
Perhaps we do have a genetic program…
that sets humans up for gender roles. (I believe that this is changing.)
I have trouble understanding women who allow themselves to be dominated…
but some women feel most comfortable in a relationship of domination.
While they are frightened by the violence…
they return to it time and time again.
There has to be some genetic or innate drive for that.
The violence is handed down, generation by generation…
learned from our wounded caregivers.
But the need to defend, protect, acquire runs deep.

I think the future depends upon women…
as mothers of sons…
and partners.
It will be our choices and influences that change the future.
Once we stop preferring violence and domination, men will adapt…
adapt or perish without passing along their genes…
which is the primary biological drive.

I am not sure if any of this makes any sense. I am writing with the Olympics on, dogs barking to go in and out, and other, occasional interruptions.
Don't take any of this as set…it is just a stream of ideas.

I will sort this out tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Grounded/ungrounded

I think the rape culture is created and taught.  I don't think that violence is innate.  Not to the level of rape and murder. I think we are taught, brainwashed, directed.

Maybe women go back to abusive men because they don't want to be alone.  They are afraid of being alone.  Personally, I can tell you that alone has serious drawbacks.  But it's survivable.  I know that I am afraid of repeating mistakes, of being drawn in by the same kind of man who I had to leave.  There's that Irish wisdom - Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.  But there's also that threat - if you leave, I will find you.  If you leave I will hurt the people you love.

Watching my youngest, after she left her abuser - I saw him apologize and beg and cry real tears.  He was in pain.  I was very proud of her for realizing he was not going to change, even though his emotions were authentic and he was swearing he would change.  We always want to believe.  My questions is always: What's different?  Are one or both of you in therapy?  If not, the patterns will repeat. It is not  possible to avoid the patterns.

Had a flash of memory today that has been lingering and haunting...I was Skyping with Mom, and told her that S#3 and the grandkids were coming for an overnight next weekend.  S#3 is going to get to meet the new boyfriend.  (I mentioned to my daughter that you were here the first time I met my youngest son's new girlfriend.  It must seem I rely on my sisters a lot!!) Mom said the boyfriend would like S#3, everyone does.  And I reminded her of S#3's similarity to Aunt S. - they both get everyone laughing.

Later I remembered - I accidentally overheard Grammy and Aunt S. talking once.  Aunt S. was married to her third husband, Uncle C.  If you remember, he had been a friend of Grampa's - Mom's dad.  So he was substantially older. 

They hadn't been married long, and Uncle C's mother was ill.  Aunt S. was expected to help take care of the older woman.  She was complaining about it to her mother. Grammy listened for a little while, then suggested to Aunt S. that it was time for her to grow up and do what needed to be done.  This was her husband now, so in loving, gentle terms - Deal with it.

I didn't get the impression that either was at peace with the other, although they were genuinely loving.

Thinking about growing up and acting like an adult. Who does? Who doesn't?  Why?

May your sons remain ungrounded, may your household exist in peace!  May your warriors bless each other and find creative ways to channel that spirit.


Love from Clare

Rereading - not that I want your sons to be ungrounded.  I want them to be very grounded and very centered.  I just hope they...you know!!

Violence…innate or learned?

Is the 'rape culture' that we live in innate or taught?
Probably both.

Are we teaching our young men to dominate through the use of their power and brawn…
or does it come to them through their genetics?
Men and women are driven from different motives…
women want inclusion and community…
men want exclusivity and power.
Also, women tend to flock to those men with the strongest, most domineering characteristics…the alpha male…it's who they are attracted to mate with and continue that genetic line.
That worked before…but, "the times are a changing' ".
A frustration that confuses me is why women return to abusive men, when they promise to change, even though they've been through the cycle before. Men and women are loyal to love in different ways.
A man is loyal if he provides food, clothing and shelter.
A woman is loyal if she takes care of him.

I am not sure where any of that is going…

Back to the violence thing…
I was told that my sons were warriors in the past…
they definitely act like warriors now, despite having a set of nonviolent parents.
They were kept away from violent TV, movies, lyrics until they hit middle school and then we lost our 'control' of their consumption. And yet they talk violently, they talk power-over, they threaten and posture…where did that come from?

I don't have an answer to that question.
I guess my goal is to channel that violent energy into something constructive.
But I am at a point where my influence is becoming less and less…
and their friends and media's influence is becoming more and more.

I had the laziest day today. I was able to do a little cleaning and then shopped for daughter#2's birthday. Then I came home, sat down to watch the Olympics for a short period and fell asleep…for 2 hours.
The boys are finally ungrounded…they are out with friends…the house is quiet…I think that's why I could let go for a short while.

I hope you have a good night with your granddaughter.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Random reactions...

I guess I was thinking about bullying, and how the questions have to be used both ways.  It seems as important to look in as it does to look around.  I was thinking about balance.  And maybe I went there because it is so difficult to focus on self, but so easy to be fair.  It's easier to accept when we feel in balance...

Sometimes I think the best way to live is simply to show up, to be present.  That is what you are doing with your ornery young.  (loved that word!)

Talking about Star Wars today, and said my problem with the movies is that they promote and support the belief that violence is the way to peace.

Later, I was thinking about our rape society.  I suddenly wondered if that belief, that violence is the path to peace, is the basis of the ways men and women interact. Do men feel so oppressed that they must control the females in order to be manly?  Are they using the innate violence, the innate threat, to keep peace in their worlds?

Just a stray thought.

Babysat tonight as youngest went on a first date since the big breakup.  She is showing a lot of good judgment now.  I am impressed.

It is so late.  I am exhausted.

I love you,  I'll check in tomorrow.

Clare

Self- exploration is uncomfortable

Clare,

I find it very interesting that you switched those uncomfortable, self-exploratory questions into service to others questions.
How did you help someone else……?

Why are we most comfortable focusing on others' needs instead of our own?
It is easy to pour ourselves out, without measure, to those around us who seem to need all that we can give. But, that leaves us empty and unable to nurture and nourish ourselves.
Is this mommy-guilt?
Is it residual catholic guilt?
Is it an American work ethic?
Or, is it the battle cry of the abused…
Let's take on the weight of the world so that we don't have time or energy to deal with our own shit?
Sorry…I'm on a rant.

Thank you  for the invitation to tea, but, with the current circumstances in my house, and our short get-away coming up, I think husband would freak if I said I was going on another road trip. Not only that I need to be present, here, no matter how ornery my sons act. They need to know that they cannot stop my loving them…even if they call names and say hurtful things.

Son#1 is officially un-grounded today. He finally stayed home and clean long enough to fulfill his punishment. I just hope that he is smart enough to stay clean and make good choices.

I have to run some errands.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Another perspective

Hey Maggie,

After brunch, head north. Your daughter would probably just love to be part of a tea party with all her little cousins.  I'm glad you considered the invitation.

The costuming project sounds like fun.  I did costuming for a couple of student plays many years ago. It was fun. I did one for a play the students wrote, and a Shakespear...Comedy of Errors.  Have fun researching and designing and constructing.

I have been rethinking the questions, as a way to a place of peace of nonviolence. Rethinking the questions, I guess there has to be balance.  If there is balance, then maybe you have appropriate boundaries.  And I definitely understand the being unnoticed.  It's like we have magic toilets that scrub themselves.  It just happens...

But here are the questions from another perspective:

When did you help someone feel loved today?
When did you notice someone feeling lonely?
What did I do today that made someone feel appreciated?
What did I say that made someone feel unnoticed?
What can I do to help someone right now?

Karaoke would be fun.  I know we're all hams!

I love the word brainwashing, as you use Light to remove the debris and dark and dirt and leave your mind and self clean and fresh and unburdened...I'm not living a very authentic life.  I am still hiding behind chocolate.  But maybe the teary, alonely, evenings of despair are authentic.  I am definitely feeling, acutely.

Things are going well with the new computer.  Last night I was playing and somehow my screen page was turned sideways.  I finally called S#3, who laughed at me.  Luckily, I was already laughing at myself.  She said S#4 had similar problems when she went to Windows 8.  I felt the connection!!  I had to google "my screen is sideways" and there was really an answer.  And it worked.  I was almost to the point where I was going to set the old computer back up for work.

Have a wonderful dinner with your family.  I love you.  I miss you...

Clare

Interesting questions

Clare,
Thanks for the invitation, but I have reservations to take my daughter to brunch on that weekend. She is turning 20, and for almost 10 years I have been talking about taking her to brunch at the circular dining room at the Hotel Hershey. Every year we call to make a reservation and they laugh, remind us that it is Valentine's day weekend and put us on a waiting list. Well, this year we booked early enough that we have a brunch date to celebrate her 20th year.

I love the questions…that make me think a lot.
I spent most of today working alone, with intermittent interactions with the boys. It was a quiet, calm day…no fighting (yet). I got my cleaning done in the morning, and as I was settling in for a webinar a friend called me. She is one of daughter#2's favorite high school teachers, an actress and a friend. She is collaborating on a pilot with some former students and asked me to costume the project. I am thrilled that she thinks I am capable of such a task. We are meeting next week to talk about it…I've got research to do before then. It is set in the 1740's…I've never done anything from that time period, but I've been looking and it is a variation on the civil war era costumes I've done before. I am excited.

I guess that made me feel appreciated.

I felt unnoticed as I was scrubbing toilets and shoveling snow today…although in reality I am sure that they really saw me…and chose to pretend not to in order to avoid the work.

The rest of the questions I will have to thin about.

I sat today and thought about all of the changes that are going on inside of me…it's pretty amazing that, after 50 years, I am finally ridding myself of the garbage from the past. So, in my usual fashion, I've decided to tie the shedding of negative energy with the shedding of weight. I am trying to picture that, as I lose pound after pound, I visualize losing negative energy and replacing it with Light. How's that for brainwashing myself?

I have to attend to my young ones. I hope that your touch screen experience is a good one.
I love you,
Maggie

P.S. I have a Karaoke machine…we can take that with us next month.

Tea?

Hi...

Writing down my negative self-talk would be a good exercise.  I could add two more columns.  One would be what others say.  But the last would be the negative things I say about anyone else in the whole world.  I am invariably kind, and I have learned to be kind with my words.  Although sarcasm does escape my lips on occasion.

I am looking forward to singing.  I want to sing in the car, and sing on the beach.  Sometimes I just want to serenade the world.

I talked to S#3.  I think she is going to bring grandchildren here for Valentine's Day weekend.  Would you care to join us?  I am thinking it might be fun to have a formal tea party, and get all the kids dressed up.  We'll bake cookies and make finger sandwiches earlier in the day.

My daughter-in-law shared a beautiful article with a list of questions we should ask each other every day. It took a little ingenuity, but I found them.  (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html)


When did you feel loved today?
When did you feel lonely?
What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?
What can I do to help you right now?

I have been thinking about them ever since I read them.  And so I post them for you.

I felt loved today when, after babysitting her last night, and making her cry by not being her Mama, my granddaughter put her arms out for me this morning.  I felt loved when a colleague agreed to do my a favor I really needed done.  I felt loved when I saw you had been here.

I can't tell if I feel lonely.  I feel abandoned sometimes, but almost unaware.

The questions are intriguing...

I am going to go make dinner, and set up my new computer and see if I can wrap my brain around touch screen!!

I love you!

Clare

Heard and Appreciated

Clare,

The first lesson that I have learned as a therapist is to stop negative self-talk.
You are so tough on yourself…for understandable reasons…mostly that you are parroting back all of the garbage that's been heaped on you for 50 some years…but now it is only you saying those things.
Keep a running list of all of the negative thoughts about yourself and all of the negative statements you make about yourself for one week…and then look back on it. You could even make a comparison list of all of the negative things that others say about you during the same time. The exercise might be eye opening.

I am so glad that you and S#3 can join me at the beach…just the 3 of us…what a wonderful treat. Husband wanted to know if I made airline reservations for us…I told him the drive will be half the fun…whatever we do, as long as we are together, will be a chance to talk and connect…it will be great.

I saw the Reiki healer today. It is interesting that she told me that the hip, knee and foot pain is a sign that I am draining all of that negative, male, trauma energy down through my lower chakras and out of my system. She was rather pleased that I am processing it through those lower chakras…ridding the memories of their power. In the past I've always intellectualized all my difficult memories. It was good to hear that I am progressing.

We talked a lot today…she told me that she had a vision of my sons…from a previous life (lives). She said that my youngest has been a warrior many times over. She also said that my sons have been enemies in battle multiple times also. She said things that gave me better insight into their constant fighting…and showed me that part of my purpose is to raise them to respect and hopefully not hurt each other this time around…it was one of those moment when things fit and the Light got brighter.

Today I ran a review session for some of my students. The first test is Thursday. We reviewed the important points, and discussed tangents…it was really nice. Near the end of the time one of them asked about the career of medicine, and another asked if I regretted not practicing medicine. I told them that I still practice in a very different way…therapy is a way of healing deep wounds, many of which drive the behaviors that cause disease in our country. We started talking about birth…and then death. I told them that one of the greatest honors is to be present with someone when they are born and/or die…the veil is never thinner than at those times. I told them about how college and medical school were grace…something I could never have arranged or paid for without divine intervention and that my biggest question when leaving medicine was…am I disappointing God? Which I don't believe to be true at this point…I am doing so much more than I ever did when practicing medicine. It was a nice discussion. I felt heard and appreciated.

Anyway, back to reading the DSM5…
Love and Light,
Maggie

The whining continues

I almost think you are learning to stay in the open.  In the open is where predators can pick you off easily.  But in the open is where you make loved ones feel secure, not alone.  But standing alone in the open is scary as hell!!  And feeling the stiffness in your knees, pelvis, hips - that might be the protection you developed showing you where it is, waiting to be acknowledged, blessed and released.  It might be saying goodbye...because it's job is done.

I go through moments of awareness when I try to purge my vocabulary of all violent and war-like vocabulary.  It is difficult.  So much of our thoughts and words are war-like.  We're always fighting something.  Always...

I'm feeling alone...Tonight I stepped outside just after dark.  The dogs were nervous and I wanted to check.  Just behind the treeline at the back of the yard, I could hear a pack of coyotes.  They were howling, and one young-sounding individual was yipping as a counter point.  It was so beautiful - like being surrounded.  They spoke right to my soul - they were singing to wild me, to heal me.  I was so grateful.  I told them, out loud, that I was grateful and they were beautiful.

It's almost - well, not that I feel alone.  I have an amazing capacity to be alone.  I always thought it was because there were so many of us in the houses where we grew up.  It was so impossible to ever be alone, that I treasure being alone.  I can always entertain myself, and I always have a long list of things I would love to do.  But I can't do any of them  I am always busy.  Rather than being alone, what I feel, what I fear, is this unending hallway of sameness ahead of me.  I feel like there is no  escape.  This is my life and nothing will ever change.  I will never get caught up.  I will never do the things I want to do.  I will just struggle to catch up forever. 

Writing that is making me cry yet again.  I am such a whiny brat.  I'm tried of myself.  I need to, as someone I knew used to say:  Buck up Buttercup.  Get going, keep trudging.

I talked to S#3 for a little while tonight.  I was planning another wine dinner for this weekend, but I can't do it.  I can't get my house clean.  I can't afford the extra groceries.  Turned out to be a good call, since I saw our weekend forecast - another nor'easter.  More snow.  More cold.  So it won't be a good weekend for    driving.  We'll try again next month, I think.  Are you interested? 

We talked about our weekend with you next month.  I think I can make it.  I'm working out details.  We are both looking forward to simply being somewhere else.  And we're looking forward to sister-time.  I'm so glad you thought of us.  Thank you...you are beautiful!

Love and hugs,

Clare