whose fault?

still thinking about what we mean to each other - both personally and generally.  i think it was in my mind all night long.

i thought about hermits - people who live alone without reflection from anyone else.  what do they think?  what do they think of themselves?  i have taken this on to a small extent - since i got rid of my car.  i can spend days with no human contact.  i can be incredibly silent for long periods of time...then, just for my own entertainment, i can sing loud.  but, what do i think of myself?  mostly i don't.

it is in the presence of other humans that i become self aware.  i become self-conscious.  and truthfully, it is in the presence of humans that i feel judged and judge myself more harshly than anyone else would.  it is in the presence of humans that i become fearful.  i am aware that i am unworthy....even though that's my truth, not a universal truth.

where did we get this cultural belief that we need to put kids in their place, teach them that they are lesser, teach them to be seen and not heard - that their role is simply to make us look good - to be accessories to our successful life...

we can be beaten and burned and raped and scapegoated in private, as long as we keep quiet, smile, and gaze adoringly at our parents in public.  and good students grow up to do the same with their spouse.

i knew, i knew when i yelled at my kids that it was a formula for crazy...the were forced to depend on their abuser for everything, they had to reformat their brains to find a way to interpret me and my horrible outbursts as love.  and to make it better/worse (not sure)  most of the time i was the good, nurturing mom. 

i don't know...i don't know...more and more thoughts...

the haudenosaunee people teach that every species has its duty.  our duty is to celebrate.  finding the beauty of this planet - easy.  remembering to celebrate - not so easy, but doable.  but maybe, just maybe, we are also supposed to celebrate each other. 

i think we could heal the world by seeing each other, listening to each other, complimenting each other, celebrating each other.  i have found that the best gifts i can offer are listening to others, and stability.  i am always here.  i am always as gracious and calm and open as i can be.  i am trying.

but i still don't feel worthy of the other side.  i still suffer in silence, afraid to share, afraid to be a burden..."you damn kids, it's all your fault, all your fault, your fault, your fault, your fault".....i am trying so hard not to be resented by anyone else...

enough for now.  if all goes well, i will get some seeds in the garden today.

love you, enjoy your day...

clare