my annular return

good morning maggie,

between trying to heal my wrist and having my daughter want to spend more time with me, it's getting harder and harder to get here.  i think perhaps your impending graduation is keeping you busy, too.

it's my birthday again.  last year i had the strongest sense that i should go to grad school.  it seemed like an ideal way to open more options in my life.  but the financial crap stopped me.  i have not been able to find a way through.

my birthday has always been a quiet, reflective day.  i try to think about what i have accomplished, besides simply sliding through another year.  what's different...i feel like i am in transition.  i feel like things are changing, but i'm not quite seeing them.  i think that comes from our steady experience of revelation in the work we are doing here.  we are challenging each other to think, analyze, remember, be aware.  some days this is hard work - the writing and sharing.  some days the hard job is showing up.  but mostly i look forward to reading your words and seeing where they take me.  a lot of days this work with you is delight...

so - here i am - same house - i love it,  same job - i enjoy it, still struggling with money, still being a hermit.  how does that feed me?  i have to be learning something or i wouldn't live like this.  a few friendships have changed.  i remain hidden, and full of self-loathing and fear as far as romance goes.  i was peripherally involved in my youngest's drama resulting in a three-generational, all female household.

i feel like i got through another year.  i didn't celebrate it, though.

my daughter has been showing an amazing amount of confidence for a first time mom.  she has definitely been bonding with her daughter.  that has been sweet and successful.

my kids spent yesterday with me.  they gave me the gift of time and labor - plus some flowers and seeds for the garden.  it was so sweet.  they are so wonderful.  i am so lucky.

mom let us star in the weekly family letter.  we got headlines for baby and for broken wrist.  s#5 sent a quick note asking about us saying she would love to see a picture.  i responded with our little explanation about keeping mention or photo of baby off of social media.  delana drama, the next generation.  i started thinking about the key players and realized it is the girl cousins, but it's the daughters of sisters, but even more specifically it's the daughters of the three of us who married and divorced alcoholics.

since we are all about secrets and superficial facades of happy family, i don't know what is really happening in the other families.  but when the girls get pregnant we hear enough to know they are choosing abusive or addicted males - i can't call any of them men.

so, happy birthday to me.  i wonder what will happen during this next ride around the sun.  should i make plans or is that foolish?????

love to you this gorgeous spring day...clare