-rumi
i see the logic of your words. i understand and agree. but for some reason i have not broken through to that emotional, experiential place of understanding and acceptance. or maybe i haven't gone deep enough.
everytime i reach one of those places of self-acceptance and joy, i seem to glory there for a short while. then the universe sends me a new teacher - someone who pushes me into a new place, and i am seeing another layer of fear, another aspect of self-loathing - something inside i never noted before.
i think maybe i am complaining and exploring and talking my way into a new life. you are my sounding board, and also the reason i show up every day. i am doing the work because i am not alone. but i'm psychologically kicking and screaming the whole way!
i think maybe i go back to my bad moments because i don't want to forget. i don't want to be part of the family pattern that conveniently lets the bad slip away - only maintaining the facade of loving health. think about how many memories you needed to have returned to you, or corroborated. what we have forgotten - never happened. i want to model taking responsibility for bad behavior, for being truly sorry, for letting people i hurt know i would do it different if i had a chance, and that i am different now. i have become softer, more loving, patient, more serene - more whole.
i keep going back to something you wrote about cycling. we continue to return to the same issues, but we see it from a different perspective each time. i think what i am doing now proves that is true.
how were the baseball games? we'll be going to a softball game this afternoon. my youngest son plays on a community league. my middle son played until last year, but i think the realities of home ownership and parenthood have reared their exciting head!!
love to you...see you soon!!!
clare
(i think i get to the brink, look over the edge and throw up...fear of falling!!!)
No comments:
Post a Comment