faithful

well, you can't get rid of me!

i am so glad your son is okay.  this was an important lesson.  now he understands the huge responsibility of driving.  it's fun, it's free, but you have the capacity for great damage.  i know i can't sleep after something like this happens.  i see it over and over everytime i close my eyes.  i still get nauseous, just for a moment, when the sirens go off .  i have not completely released my emotions from my son's accident.  as a parent, letting a child go is so, so difficult.

and i have felt what you are feeling - left out of the family.  often it's not done  purposely.  but i am usually not invited to family functions, either.  i wonder why we don't think about it, why we are not attached.  but think about the sister gatherings - there was never any intention to hurt me. 

my youngest son is dating someone from an extremely attached family.  i have long admired them.  maybe that's why she's come to us.  i haven't met her, yet - he's not ready to bring her home to mama.  but i know some of her extended family.  i am hoping my kids will bond like that.  somedays i have hope...

...then the sniping begins.

my ex, unexpectedly to me, was here yesterday.  we are like old friends now.  it's pretty comfortable, although i am happy with very sporadic contact.  but he started in on our youngest not having it together like our oldest.  he doesn't do it in front of me - i get the hurt reports.  i want to smack him sometimes, make him just stop talking.  he has forgotten how much his parents hurt him by comparing him to his brother.  he used to make hurt comments, referring to his brother as the favorite.  now he's doing it to his children.  when way opens, i'll get in his face - just a little!

when i read the rumi, i had a vision of the force of my sorrow uprooting the sources of pain. then tears washing it away.  i was passive, ready to allow the process - trusting the process.  you are taking control, deciding what to prune. 

somehow, when i read that passage, i feel soft and vulnerable.  i feel open and ready...i feel faith.

hope my brother-in-law is breathing better today!

love to you all...

clare