patience

oh good...i really hesitated before mentioning sisters weekends.  i wasn't looking for apologies.  i was so happy that you simply adopted the perspective.  there's a good chance that i would not have come to he weekends.  i never had the money or freedom, with my ex only home on weekends.  and i was invited to spend a weekend listening to bible based women speakers once.  but i could never go to something like that.  having the chance to say no, i can't go, and feeling sad is different than feeling forgotten, though.

it all sort of takes me back to always feeling alone in our family.  everyone else had a friend/companion/bunk mate except me, and being the oldest forced me into a position of responsibility which further isolated me.  i think we each have this feeling of having nowhere to belong.  it's sort of comfortable being separated and isolated, which is hard to be at peace with when i also desire connection.

way will open and i will point out my ex's behaviors.  he will listen...and try to change.  he doesn't want to be mean.  my youngest does react strongly.  she wants a daddy, even though this need will never be met.  her inner little girl will never have a daddy.  she will only have me...they both have to grow up.  he wasn't great with any of them when they were in their late teens/early 20's.

i had a cranio-sacral appointment yesterday.  it was a christmas gift from my oldest son and his wife.  i went to a therapist who has a good reputation, and i have long wanted to go to her.  she ended up doing energy work.  i felt a great weight lift off my heart, and leave through my ear...strange.  she worked on my hand/wrist, too.  she said she would be willing to trade some sessions for herbal advice. 

she said i would be emotional for a few days.  i do feel over-sensitive, and like i want to cry...

so maybe i'll just go do that.

i love you...we're really looking forward to seeing you!!

clare