i think maybe i am being boring and whiney as i try to find a way to look at myself, really see myself, accept myself - and maybe get a glimmer of why this is so difficult -- well besides having dad's voice echoing through my psyche, "fat, dumb and ugly..." i guess i've cycled back. wonder what my perspective will be this year. just had a thought - i wonder if the cycle is annual. maybe i'll remember to check when i'm working with two hands again.
we had dinner with a friend of my youngest daughter's last night. she had to flee a domestic violence situation with her two sons, and hid out here, about a year and a half ago. my daughter asked if she could stay for a night, which turned into ten until all of the legal work was done and she could go home. ever since then, this young woman calls me mom. while we were spending time together last evening, i realized that this young mama is built almost exactly like me. she is cute and dramatic - some tattoos and piercings, lots of dark hair, gorgeous eyes, big, smiley personality...i really considered, for awhile, why is she cute while i am disgusting. sure, she needs too lose weight, but she is fine, she is loveable the way she is. she never lacks for romantic interests.
i, though, am so afraid of rejection, i am paralyzed. i am afraid to move. i still still, in agony, in such emotional pain, not knowing how to break through my addictions - to wheat, to sugar, to being invisible. i want to emerge, step into the light, but i am still afraid...
my little dog is still breathing. that is one of the first things i check each morning, and throughout the day.
i hope you have a great weekend. if the sun wins out and we have clear skies, i will!
love to you,
clare
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