what was I thinking?

Clare,

I am walking the tight rope…
I am balancing because I am moving cautiously and choosing how to place my feet. I am no longer dancing or gliding through life. I am careful about my words. I am waiting for the next reaction. But knowing some pressure and confrontation is needed.

Yesterday the director of the group home paid a visit to my house. I invited her to visit and help us. She agreed to come. I invited the young man to begin. He didn't know what to say. So she jumped in. She was very direct to the young man.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime…
don't blow it because of fear of attaching…
that's a synopsis of a 2.5 hour conversation.
He was able to vent a bit…
but mostly about losing his stuff…
not caring about stuff…
losing his stuff…
but it's not a big deal…
losing his stuff.
Relationship is excruciating for him. He is convinced we are going to reject him…
like all of the others.

After she left I saw my reiki healer. She told me I am almost a train wreck. Not as bad as the first time we met, but not good either. We talked about the household…
what's going on. My unfinished business with dad and turmoil with the young man. She told me that this is a 'karmic contract' which cannot be renegotiated. If I fail this the next 'test' will be even greater.
Great…
I've got to ride this out…
but I've also got to maintain my sanity in the process.
I'm not sure how this is going to play through.
What was I thinking?
She told me I'm a warrior…
a peaceful warrior.
This warrior wants to go on a vacation…
and get her nails done…
a facial and a pedicure would be great too.
Or at least a glass of wine.

Why did I choose such a tough life this time around?
I am always the overachiever…
I'm never satisfied with good enough…
it has to be over the top!

I wish I could see the big picture…
at least a glimpse.
Maybe that would strengthen me for this period of time.
I need strength.

The reiki healer did tell me that I should play more with the young man…
'get dirty in the mud with him' was how she put it. She told me he needs to be fixed and healed in his 5 year old self before he can grow up and move on. That sounds much like you've been telling me. I should listen to you more. I'm not a very good playing person, especially when it is with a 17 year old male. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm picturing baking and science experiments. That's where my comfort zone is right now.

I met with my "Creating Zen" group today. It is a yoga instructor, massage therapist, psychologist and myself. We are creating a 6 week seminar for trauma healing, working from the body into the mind. It is probably going to run in January - February.
This is a pilot…
see what works and what doesn't.
We are picturing 3 hour sessions once a week…
gathering and greeting…
half go to yoga (trauma sensitive)…
the other half will work in group on a Seeking Safety course, mindfulness, and be taken out one by one for massage (cranial sacral release).
then switch halves and do it again…
we will finish with a meditation and group processing session.

What do you think?
We need to figure out the marketing and who to market it to.

That's all for now. I'm off to the youngest's football game.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie