Aha-ing

Hi Maggie,

I love the energy of this post. I can see you are breaking through and Aha-ing all over everything!!!

This is an amazing post. What was Dad thinking?

I think most of us in the Delana clan have been somewhat suicidal...or had moments of touching the idea, poking it a little...wondering if it was doable, if it was a good idea.

Wild car rides...going to war as a teenager. It's all tied to death wish.  But there are always more layers than we can know.  I remember talking to Dad once when he was reading a war novel. He said he always knew what was going to happen on the next page. There is something in him, in his mind, in his memory that understands war. I think he is also a warrior.  One more warrior in our line, who got corrupted by the powers-that-be.

But he was also a bit of a wild child, who may have gone to the military to end it...Interesting point.

When I was raging, I knew my kids were wary, waiting for it to end...walking on eggshells.  They were nervous, wondering when it might happen again. Always wondering what started it, and how they could avoid it.

But they didn't start it. The pain started in my head, in my soul, and puked out of my mouth.

It never lasted long, but it was awful for all of us.

But there was power in it, in knowing someone was paying attention to me, was watching. Isn't that sick?  It really sickens me to write that.  But it is true.

When someone is absolutely powerless in their life...child, female, the new kid every school year, abused from an early age...absolutely powerless...any sense of power is gratifying.

I feel bereft admitting this is in me.

One of mine was talking about divorce, saying it can be good...look at us, that was when the yelling stopped. Because apparently their dad yelled when I wasn't around. I never knew that...my poor babies.  I am so sorry.  I told him, it wasn't the divorce, it was Al-Anon.  Yeah - okay for yelling from me, but the divorce removed their father's relief of his own pain on the weakest...true bullying.

It is remarkable that my children turned out to be so kind.

I think Dad wanted to be noticed, but didn't know how. And his power over us sufficed. In the military power is deemed by rank. He was an NCO, so he was always low-ish man on the totem pole - except for when the new recruits showed up, and he got to whip them into shape.  He was the youngest of three brothers - the oldest was mean. Uncle B. was mean. He was just mean. 

Power...being noticed...protecting ourselves...stepping out...risking being a target...

It is all such a mess. But here we are dancing in it!

And being kind and, almost, admiring the mess, or at least acknowledging it.

The weekend here was wonderful. I loved being with S#3 and with my best friend from college, and her oldest. There was a lot of laughter and reminiscences and now some new memories.

Niece's chihuahua has escaped twice now. The first time he tried to take down a Fed Ex truck. Today - it was a cow. He has a very inflated sense of self!

Exhausted...but nicely...


Love and hugs from Clare