hard remembrances/hard questions

Hi Maggie,

S#3 and her daughter and grandchildren were here for the weekend.  They just got on he road this evening...so I am back!

Last Thursday night I had a dream that S#3 was chasing me with a gun. She was mad because I had not told her son about his football scholarship.  I was running from her thinking - she can't run fast. But then, she could. I jumped at one point and landed on top of a car, maybe,with Jan Fonda, and lots of sparkling confetti.

What was I working out there?

I told both nephew and sister about the dream. They laughed.  S and I were supposed to go somewhere this weekend, but it didn't work out. She noted that I really wanted to go, but she was mediocre. I thought maybe the dream was her reaction to me pushing her around and making her do things she doesn't want to do.  But she said that isn't true.

I am glad you are asking yourself the hard questions. You and your foster son have potential to be magnificent teachers for each other.

I saw the photos of you and your family on vacation. You are all glowing and beautiful. You look perfect. But then I think about the stories of drama and fighting throughout your time there...

And I go back to lessons from my mother-in-law.  Kids raised in alcoholic chaos often try to control every situation.  It has to look good, and damn the truth.  My m-i-l's house had to be perfect. Her kids had to present the perfect image.  She could not handle anything but.

She had a story of what was happening and that was the only possible truth.

There was friction between us, because her poor son got stuck with this crazy hippy girl who would not even wear her shoes.  They always seemed to have the idea that I married into their family because I wanted to be like them.  That was the basis of the classist rejection I lived with.  What they never understood, though, was that it was never true. I never looked at them and wished that I was like them.

Don't make the mistake of assuming your foster son wants your lifestyle.  What he wants may be the compassion and acceptance, the safe place, you offered while you were his counselor.

I always go back to your opinion when he was playing Pokemon Go.  You felt that he was not engaged enough, therefore you were going to take it from him.  It seemed like he had to join you.  There was no meeting in the middle. Why not go for a walk with him while he was playing the silly game?  I agreed with your assessment of the game, but that does not make us right.

I am also afraid you are putting too much on him to make decisions.  Is that to let you off the hook if he chooses not to stay? Because it will still be a mutual rejection.  You are both going to hurt.

What did you like about him to begin with?  Go there...

I admire your willingness to examine yourself, to look at the hard things.  It is painful, but you are willing to walk through the pain.  Be strong, sister...

Love and hugs from Clare