unlikeable

Hi Maggie,

Patterns. Of course it all relates back to Dad.  I didn't think about it, though, until you said it here.  Then - aha!!

Obviously you felt rejection from Dad, and so you are replaying it over and over, trying to make it right. Me, on the other hand...I reject.  Interesting.

I am so grateful that you are reaching out for help, because, vicariously, I am gaining insight, also.

My rejection of those who love me is tied to: I'm not good enough. I guess I let them go, or make them go, or turn my back before they have a chance to reject me. It's like preemptive warfare, which I morally object to.

So how did this play out in our family of origin. I have never considered this before.

I always felt like Dad didn't like me. I still feel like Dad doesn't like me. But I don't especially feel unlikeable.  But if a parent doesn't like you, rejects you, there must be something wrong with you...does it follow?

I rejected my college sweetheart, and we didn't communicate for about 10 years. Then we got back in touch, and he has been a dear friend ever since.  I remember once when we were living together, and doing our laundry, he told me his mom ironed sheets, and I thought - I will never be good enough for this family.  And I started pulling away, and broke up probably a few months later.  So, I guess that was a kind expecting people to not like me...

With my ex, I always had the feeling that he really loved me, but didn't especially like me. He always thought I was a tad off. And I probably am, but that can be fun.

Maybe my core issue is that I don't think I am likeable.  Hmmm...never considered this before.  Maybe I do believe I am unlikeable...sort of different than being unloveable. I can go there, too.

I met a man on the bus. I was boarding and he took one look at me, his eyes lit up, and he asked me to sit with him.  I said I would love to, and climbed in.  He told me I was beautiful, I am exactly the kind of woman he is attractive to. He had his hand on my leg, and was moving me into positions - shifting me, sort of. I felt like a doll.  I was monitoring myself, waiting to see when the panic set in.  He finally noticed my face, and that I was not into it, and so we talked. For hours.  It turned out he was funny and intelligent and had an interesting job.  But every once in  awhile, he would break and tell me I was so beautiful...after the bus ride, he started calling me via Messenger on my tablet every day.  I was checking my tablet in the morning and the evening, and leaving it in my room during the day.  That was partly because I was there to spend time with family, not to be involved with virtual reality, and partly to avoid the consarned ringing. Missed calls made me feel guilty. I was not interested in feeling guilty.

So one morning I answered. He said - oh there you are, you are so beautiful, I wish I could kiss you...smile for me...Really?  Smile for me. I made the Delana face...the incredulous one where we life one eye brow and half the face, with a look of WTF.  He said oh, thank you...

I never answered the phone again.

I had the impression that he never saw me and was aware of me. He had an ideal that I sort of fit.

But it made me think.  If I wanted a relationship, here was someone who was willing and easy.  I obviously don't. I don't want to have to entertain someone. It just seems like work.

Maybe I just don't want to ever be in a relationship again...

Bing...Reject...gone, no more problem.  I did send him a message telling him my life is out of control right now, and I don't have anything left over at the moment.

I don't have any regrets about this...it has just been a real curiosity for me to sit with it and notice it.

You and S#4...stress = weight loss. I envy you. I'm like S#3. Stress = binge eating. Numbing or controlling, those are the classics of children of alcoholics. We are the poster children!

I wonder how many of us are having a chance to reclaim our lost souls through your process...

Love and hugs from Clare