overwhelmed…for now

Clare,

I was driving today…
listening to NPR…
a segment on schizophrenia came on.
The research shows schizophrenics do better if they are placed in homes with strangers.
The studies concluded that families are too invested in the outcome for the schizophrenic. It identified 3 emotions that are correlated with relapse…
hostility…
criticism…
and being emotionally invested in the outcomes.
I started to feel myself being pulled into the conversation.
I am, or have felt, all of these with the young man.
I took him in as a project…
a life to save…
or fix…
to offer opportunities he would never have without us.
And when he rejected that approach I became critical and controlling…
and now that he is rejecting that and refusing to conform I am being quietly hostile…
"I need my space"…
refusing to engage in anything but superficial interactions.

I spoke with S#5…
what does it look like to be uninvested in the outcomes?
Am I capable of just letting things happen?
I understand that hostility and criticism are not good, but what else can work?
I am really soul searching here…
I understand I am contributing to this conflict…
but I don't know how to backtrack to get it back on track.
(that's a great lyric for a song- backtrack to get it back on track)
What does that look like?
At this point I think I need to allow him to decide if he wants to stay and be a part of us.
Then I can re-negotiate the particulars.
If I offer a re-negotiation at this point it is confusing. He was asked to contemplate his desire to be here and do the work of connection. If he chooses to stay, then we can discuss what the solid rules are and what we can work with.

I don't know where I am or what I am doing anymore.
I am lost…
looking into dirty ponds…
life supporting, messy ponds.
Waiting for answers…
water bugs and dragonflies wisdom.

Life is ironic.
Life is a tough teacher.
Life is a task master.
Life makes demands upon us that we have to rise to meet…
or fall under the weight of.

I do love life.
I love the challenge.
But sometimes I am overwhelmed.

I hope that all is well with you and your world.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie