Hi Maggie,
I had the definite impression that Mama was doing her Little Mary Sunshine, everything is okay, routine. Which includes - of course - he will have chemo. And Dad is tired, and not ready to do anything at all, no matter what, no matter what the quality of life. He told S#5 - no chemo.
So we will see. It all has to come to an end. That is the way life is played.
I am still sick. Every day is a little better, but I am tired of this hacking cough...kinda wondering how much chronic illness I would endure. I have an immensely high tolerance for pain, but the I kinda wonder about the trade offs of joy and magic moments, and of possibilities of magic versus this tedium. And being sick...
My youngest got her surgeon to push her date back two weeks. Her boss, a colleague and her boyfriend all freaked out, telling her that if she waits there will be more damage. She asked me for advice. Then she almost had a panic attack because she could not think. My advice was to make a list of what had to be done before the surgery if she went on Friday. Try to make it work. If it is not easy...wait. It is not meant to be this week.
My neighbor told me, after the first surgery, there would be one more. So I have been expecting this. Today, she said waiting will be fine. Her leg will be fine. I definitely appreciate this woman!
It just breaks my heart that my child will continue to be in pain for so long. And the pain killers and muscle relaxants seem to be affecting her health.
In RC, Re-evaluative Counseling, we learned to be totally present and listen. We are rarely listened to, because we are waiting to butt in a share what we are thinking about. Maybe shut up and listen is perfect. Let him speak, as much as he needs. Maybe allow him speak until he comes to a solution. If it is fair and reasonable, honor him.
I say don't spring a school change on him. You know how traumatic that can be. And don't blame it on him.
Needing sleep...Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
so many layers
Clare,
I spoke with Mom today. She is optimistic that chemo will take care of everything. She threw in a side-note as well…
Papa's aneurysm is leaking so they have to also see a vascular surgeon.
I told her a bit of what's going on here…
but felt like I was dumping.
We had more problems with the young man…
he ordered something from AT&T which was delivered and he wanted my youngest to hide it in his room to avoid questions. We asked him to open it with us and explain. It was a $45 prepaid card for a cell phone. He paid $91 total, so I don't know if the extra is for expedited shipping? Anyway, he told us he ordered it for a friend who asked him to help her. He told us her name and that she has been one of his best friends for years…
we've never heard him speak about her.
I told him that we need to know what she is doing in return for this "gift"…
is there drugs, sex, a cell phone, a ride outta here?
He remained silent.
He skipped 2 hours of school yesterday morning…
just walking around town…
stopped at a friend's house…
why wasn't he (the friend) in school? was our question…
"he's a dropout"…
not a great choice young one.
Grounded for a week…
once again.
We are the one's a fault in his eyes…
no, correction, I am the one at fault…
I am pushing him too far in relationships.
After he returned to school he told the guidance counselor we force him to do family things too much.
The counselor told our caseworker that he felt keeping the young man in his old district might be a bad idea…
he feels it's isolating him more because of the distance from friends.
We are considering sending him to the parochial school that our youngest goes to. Perhaps a major change will break the dysfunctional cycle we are in.
I had massage and reiki today…
the reiki guide sent me a message to "restrict your voice and stay open"…
what does that mean?
Probably shut up and listen.
The reiki guide was stitching something closed around my throat.
Perhaps she is adding a filter…
a filter of compassion…
I don't know.
There are so many layers to this relationship.
It's exhausting to keep up with it all.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I spoke with Mom today. She is optimistic that chemo will take care of everything. She threw in a side-note as well…
Papa's aneurysm is leaking so they have to also see a vascular surgeon.
I told her a bit of what's going on here…
but felt like I was dumping.
We had more problems with the young man…
he ordered something from AT&T which was delivered and he wanted my youngest to hide it in his room to avoid questions. We asked him to open it with us and explain. It was a $45 prepaid card for a cell phone. He paid $91 total, so I don't know if the extra is for expedited shipping? Anyway, he told us he ordered it for a friend who asked him to help her. He told us her name and that she has been one of his best friends for years…
we've never heard him speak about her.
I told him that we need to know what she is doing in return for this "gift"…
is there drugs, sex, a cell phone, a ride outta here?
He remained silent.
He skipped 2 hours of school yesterday morning…
just walking around town…
stopped at a friend's house…
why wasn't he (the friend) in school? was our question…
"he's a dropout"…
not a great choice young one.
Grounded for a week…
once again.
We are the one's a fault in his eyes…
no, correction, I am the one at fault…
I am pushing him too far in relationships.
After he returned to school he told the guidance counselor we force him to do family things too much.
The counselor told our caseworker that he felt keeping the young man in his old district might be a bad idea…
he feels it's isolating him more because of the distance from friends.
We are considering sending him to the parochial school that our youngest goes to. Perhaps a major change will break the dysfunctional cycle we are in.
I had massage and reiki today…
the reiki guide sent me a message to "restrict your voice and stay open"…
what does that mean?
Probably shut up and listen.
The reiki guide was stitching something closed around my throat.
Perhaps she is adding a filter…
a filter of compassion…
I don't know.
There are so many layers to this relationship.
It's exhausting to keep up with it all.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Just a little more chaos
Hi Maggie,
I got a message from S#5 today. Dad's pathology report showed cancer in 9 of 18 samples. So it has spread. The party is going to be important.
Then my youngest had an appointment with her orthopedist today. She needs a reparative surgery. They scheduled her for the day before Dad's party. She got back to work and asked if she could travel right after the surgery and was told - No Way! But they told her that she is the customer, here, and she had the right to ask for a date that works better for her. So tomorrow she is going to do that. She wants to see if it can be done the week after.
Happy Halloween!!
I am still feeling yuck, although I am improving. We always sound worst as we drain after a cold. Last night I dreamed about creating tourist walks, teaching people what to see, where to go...I kept getting lost in this long cave walkway that had something to do with pirates.
Talked about life with Dad to Nephew last night, and he cried. I told him the best we can do is go to the party and be sweet and kind. Nephew asked why, and I told him it was for us more than for Grumpy. We needed to know, in the end, we were loving and available.
Still have a headache. Blocked my schedule again tomorrow, trying to make a lighter day.
How are you? How is life with boy-drama? Any word from your healer?
Love and hugs from Clare
I got a message from S#5 today. Dad's pathology report showed cancer in 9 of 18 samples. So it has spread. The party is going to be important.
Then my youngest had an appointment with her orthopedist today. She needs a reparative surgery. They scheduled her for the day before Dad's party. She got back to work and asked if she could travel right after the surgery and was told - No Way! But they told her that she is the customer, here, and she had the right to ask for a date that works better for her. So tomorrow she is going to do that. She wants to see if it can be done the week after.
Happy Halloween!!
I am still feeling yuck, although I am improving. We always sound worst as we drain after a cold. Last night I dreamed about creating tourist walks, teaching people what to see, where to go...I kept getting lost in this long cave walkway that had something to do with pirates.
Talked about life with Dad to Nephew last night, and he cried. I told him the best we can do is go to the party and be sweet and kind. Nephew asked why, and I told him it was for us more than for Grumpy. We needed to know, in the end, we were loving and available.
Still have a headache. Blocked my schedule again tomorrow, trying to make a lighter day.
How are you? How is life with boy-drama? Any word from your healer?
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, September 26, 2016
Whupped
Hi Maggie,
Still fighting this bug, whatever virus is making the rounds right now. Had a fever last night, which always makes for crazy, crazy dreams. Last night, I wasn't sure if it/me was me or the Earth. But Light would erupt, and make a hot spot, which made grids related to populations. It's not the best sleep ever, but it was entertaining.
Today, I blocked my schedule so I work a lighter day - I did it again for tomorrow. My little companion was here. I tried to lure her into taking a nap with me. She was really into it to start, but then she got up and started taking care of me. She got out scarfs. She found some hats. She felt my forehead to see if I was warm. She fixed my hair.
I was afraid to go to sleep, even though it would have been nice. But it is the code. One never sleeps if the toddler is not sleeping. Besides, she likes my earrings!
Outwardly, I'm feeling positive about Dad's birthday party. Inwardly, there is trepidation...I was changing the cat litter box today, thinking it would be great if he took time to speak to each one of us. In my imaginary dialog Mom said he can't handle it. In my imaginary dialog, I told her it was not for him...
I was replaying the words of one of my heroes...Erma Bombeck. One of her best columns ever was: Why I Love You Best, written to each of her three children.
Mom has done a little of that, and I appreciated it.
Dad...could he?
Anyway, to bed early with me. I am still whupped.
Love and hugs from Clare
Still fighting this bug, whatever virus is making the rounds right now. Had a fever last night, which always makes for crazy, crazy dreams. Last night, I wasn't sure if it/me was me or the Earth. But Light would erupt, and make a hot spot, which made grids related to populations. It's not the best sleep ever, but it was entertaining.
Today, I blocked my schedule so I work a lighter day - I did it again for tomorrow. My little companion was here. I tried to lure her into taking a nap with me. She was really into it to start, but then she got up and started taking care of me. She got out scarfs. She found some hats. She felt my forehead to see if I was warm. She fixed my hair.
I was afraid to go to sleep, even though it would have been nice. But it is the code. One never sleeps if the toddler is not sleeping. Besides, she likes my earrings!
Outwardly, I'm feeling positive about Dad's birthday party. Inwardly, there is trepidation...I was changing the cat litter box today, thinking it would be great if he took time to speak to each one of us. In my imaginary dialog Mom said he can't handle it. In my imaginary dialog, I told her it was not for him...
I was replaying the words of one of my heroes...Erma Bombeck. One of her best columns ever was: Why I Love You Best, written to each of her three children.
Mom has done a little of that, and I appreciated it.
Dad...could he?
Anyway, to bed early with me. I am still whupped.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, September 25, 2016
crazy week
Hi Love,
Sorry I have been AWOL. It has been a hard week. I have been dealing with family upset, and working too much, and being exhausted, and now with having a cold and sore throat - which I got because my resistance is low because of the week I had...vicious circle!!!
If your foster son's media rant becomes a point of discussion, that lovely post your foster son posted about you, just very gently remind him that those words say more about him, about his character, about who he is, than it does about you. Important lesson many of us miss.
You knew though...you knew that after the step forward, he would regress into fear of vulnerability. We all do it.
S#3 was here overnight, on her way home from her week retreat. She looked all rosy cheeked and relaxed and happy. I was so happy she was able to have some interesting down time. But after her week of travel, and mine of chaos, we ended up going to bed by about 8:45. After we fun party girls? Nephew wasn't far behind us, but he worked 7 shifts in the last 6 days, and had to go in this morning.
Adulting sucks sometimes!
The air has suddenly become cooler. I smelled my first whiff of wood smoke last night...someone fired up their woodstove. I have to clean my chimney today, then go help my older neighbor clean hers. I have been helping her for years, and have gotten quite good at it!
So, how is life with your boys this week? Anything calming down now that we have survived the eclipses and Mars is no longer retrograde? (Ha! I read something this morning about astrology, or I would never have known that!)
I think I am mentally preparing for the upcoming birthday party...I don't know if this is good or not. S#3 found some cute joke gifts...I think we can stay there, and stay kind and superficial...but is that what I want????? I think I need to clear my heart and arrive calm and open.
Still not very clear-headed because of this cold. SO I will stop rambling and clean my messy house!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sorry I have been AWOL. It has been a hard week. I have been dealing with family upset, and working too much, and being exhausted, and now with having a cold and sore throat - which I got because my resistance is low because of the week I had...vicious circle!!!
If your foster son's media rant becomes a point of discussion, that lovely post your foster son posted about you, just very gently remind him that those words say more about him, about his character, about who he is, than it does about you. Important lesson many of us miss.
You knew though...you knew that after the step forward, he would regress into fear of vulnerability. We all do it.
S#3 was here overnight, on her way home from her week retreat. She looked all rosy cheeked and relaxed and happy. I was so happy she was able to have some interesting down time. But after her week of travel, and mine of chaos, we ended up going to bed by about 8:45. After we fun party girls? Nephew wasn't far behind us, but he worked 7 shifts in the last 6 days, and had to go in this morning.
Adulting sucks sometimes!
The air has suddenly become cooler. I smelled my first whiff of wood smoke last night...someone fired up their woodstove. I have to clean my chimney today, then go help my older neighbor clean hers. I have been helping her for years, and have gotten quite good at it!
So, how is life with your boys this week? Anything calming down now that we have survived the eclipses and Mars is no longer retrograde? (Ha! I read something this morning about astrology, or I would never have known that!)
I think I am mentally preparing for the upcoming birthday party...I don't know if this is good or not. S#3 found some cute joke gifts...I think we can stay there, and stay kind and superficial...but is that what I want????? I think I need to clear my heart and arrive calm and open.
Still not very clear-headed because of this cold. SO I will stop rambling and clean my messy house!
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, September 22, 2016
short lived ceasefire
Clare,
So, the peace is being tested. My young man is picking a fight. He tries to engage in conflict to gain attention. He started right after the family session…
"when can I get my phone back?"...
"when we have a trusting"...
"that's unreasonable, how can I gain trust if you don't give it to me?"...
"it's gained in the small, everyday things".
Yesterday he forgot to clean up after his messes…
forgot to wake up for school…
went to dinner with us and then asked
"when can I go to football games?"...
"you already go to football games"…
"at my high school"…
"not in the near future because your foster brother plays at the same time".
Then he started asking about dating…
which evolved into not having freedom.
"how old is the girl?"...
"15"…
"maybe you should start with someone your age"…
"why, lots of people date younger people?…
"because it is safer- parents don't get a fearful if they are with someone their own age"…
and on it went.
He didn't go to bed- I asked
he went upstairs and cursed loudly a few times…
threw a few things…
and then had a social media rant about me.
He's threatening to escalate or leave.
I've talked with the CYS worker and Group home director…
both said let him decide what he's going to do.
Engaging will make it worse.
I have not brought up the social media posts…
he is walking on eggshells…
I'm imagining him anticipating a blow up from me.
That's what he's after.
I have to remain cool and detached.
Life is a roller coaster.
Be the change you wish to see.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
So, the peace is being tested. My young man is picking a fight. He tries to engage in conflict to gain attention. He started right after the family session…
"when can I get my phone back?"...
"when we have a trusting"...
"that's unreasonable, how can I gain trust if you don't give it to me?"...
"it's gained in the small, everyday things".
Yesterday he forgot to clean up after his messes…
forgot to wake up for school…
went to dinner with us and then asked
"when can I go to football games?"...
"you already go to football games"…
"at my high school"…
"not in the near future because your foster brother plays at the same time".
Then he started asking about dating…
which evolved into not having freedom.
"how old is the girl?"...
"15"…
"maybe you should start with someone your age"…
"why, lots of people date younger people?…
"because it is safer- parents don't get a fearful if they are with someone their own age"…
and on it went.
He didn't go to bed- I asked
he went upstairs and cursed loudly a few times…
threw a few things…
and then had a social media rant about me.
He's threatening to escalate or leave.
I've talked with the CYS worker and Group home director…
both said let him decide what he's going to do.
Engaging will make it worse.
I have not brought up the social media posts…
he is walking on eggshells…
I'm imagining him anticipating a blow up from me.
That's what he's after.
I have to remain cool and detached.
Life is a roller coaster.
Be the change you wish to see.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
a step forward
Clare,
So we had some forward steps yesterday here. My young man and I were able to come to an agreement that when one of us needs a break, we say,"I need space." and the other will step away. My young man admitted to continuing to fuel the fire to keep my attention…
he escalates conversation into battle to keep me engaged…
when I finally "lose it" and direct him to his room, the refusal is because he's hearing "I don't want you" instead of "give me space before I do something I'll regret". We were able to agree to walk away and then re-engage once our hearts were calm again.
We shall see how this plays out.
We went to family therapy last night. He was able to identify that he may be disrespectful towards women. He was able to see there is a difference between his interactions with me compared with husband's. I was able to see my misunderstanding of his reactions. I didn't realize how desperately he wants to be seen and heard. The only problem with that is that to him being seen and heard equates with getting what he wants.
Last night as we drove home he once again tried to bargain for his cell phone's return to him. He wants a date of return. "If I behave X days then you'll give me the phone"
I want a building of trust.
I told him there is no deadline.
It will be given to him when husband and I feel comfortable that he will act in a trustworthy manner…
Do what you say you're going to do.
Be a man of your word.
Then you will have additional privileges.
He had his tablets returned to him on Sunday and there is a noticeable difference in his activities. He hasn't picked up a book since…
he's internet browsing constantly.
I wish we didn't have internet here.
So…
some positive steps.
Families are challenging.
I sometimes want to stop the boat and get off on an island where I am alone.
That sounds like paradise.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
So we had some forward steps yesterday here. My young man and I were able to come to an agreement that when one of us needs a break, we say,"I need space." and the other will step away. My young man admitted to continuing to fuel the fire to keep my attention…
he escalates conversation into battle to keep me engaged…
when I finally "lose it" and direct him to his room, the refusal is because he's hearing "I don't want you" instead of "give me space before I do something I'll regret". We were able to agree to walk away and then re-engage once our hearts were calm again.
We shall see how this plays out.
We went to family therapy last night. He was able to identify that he may be disrespectful towards women. He was able to see there is a difference between his interactions with me compared with husband's. I was able to see my misunderstanding of his reactions. I didn't realize how desperately he wants to be seen and heard. The only problem with that is that to him being seen and heard equates with getting what he wants.
Last night as we drove home he once again tried to bargain for his cell phone's return to him. He wants a date of return. "If I behave X days then you'll give me the phone"
I want a building of trust.
I told him there is no deadline.
It will be given to him when husband and I feel comfortable that he will act in a trustworthy manner…
Do what you say you're going to do.
Be a man of your word.
Then you will have additional privileges.
He had his tablets returned to him on Sunday and there is a noticeable difference in his activities. He hasn't picked up a book since…
he's internet browsing constantly.
I wish we didn't have internet here.
So…
some positive steps.
Families are challenging.
I sometimes want to stop the boat and get off on an island where I am alone.
That sounds like paradise.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, September 19, 2016
Aha-ing
Hi Maggie,
I love the energy of this post. I can see you are breaking through and Aha-ing all over everything!!!
This is an amazing post. What was Dad thinking?
I think most of us in the Delana clan have been somewhat suicidal...or had moments of touching the idea, poking it a little...wondering if it was doable, if it was a good idea.
Wild car rides...going to war as a teenager. It's all tied to death wish. But there are always more layers than we can know. I remember talking to Dad once when he was reading a war novel. He said he always knew what was going to happen on the next page. There is something in him, in his mind, in his memory that understands war. I think he is also a warrior. One more warrior in our line, who got corrupted by the powers-that-be.
But he was also a bit of a wild child, who may have gone to the military to end it...Interesting point.
When I was raging, I knew my kids were wary, waiting for it to end...walking on eggshells. They were nervous, wondering when it might happen again. Always wondering what started it, and how they could avoid it.
But they didn't start it. The pain started in my head, in my soul, and puked out of my mouth.
It never lasted long, but it was awful for all of us.
But there was power in it, in knowing someone was paying attention to me, was watching. Isn't that sick? It really sickens me to write that. But it is true.
When someone is absolutely powerless in their life...child, female, the new kid every school year, abused from an early age...absolutely powerless...any sense of power is gratifying.
I feel bereft admitting this is in me.
One of mine was talking about divorce, saying it can be good...look at us, that was when the yelling stopped. Because apparently their dad yelled when I wasn't around. I never knew that...my poor babies. I am so sorry. I told him, it wasn't the divorce, it was Al-Anon. Yeah - okay for yelling from me, but the divorce removed their father's relief of his own pain on the weakest...true bullying.
It is remarkable that my children turned out to be so kind.
I think Dad wanted to be noticed, but didn't know how. And his power over us sufficed. In the military power is deemed by rank. He was an NCO, so he was always low-ish man on the totem pole - except for when the new recruits showed up, and he got to whip them into shape. He was the youngest of three brothers - the oldest was mean. Uncle B. was mean. He was just mean.
Power...being noticed...protecting ourselves...stepping out...risking being a target...
It is all such a mess. But here we are dancing in it!
And being kind and, almost, admiring the mess, or at least acknowledging it.
The weekend here was wonderful. I loved being with S#3 and with my best friend from college, and her oldest. There was a lot of laughter and reminiscences and now some new memories.
Niece's chihuahua has escaped twice now. The first time he tried to take down a Fed Ex truck. Today - it was a cow. He has a very inflated sense of self!
Exhausted...but nicely...
Love and hugs from Clare
I love the energy of this post. I can see you are breaking through and Aha-ing all over everything!!!
This is an amazing post. What was Dad thinking?
I think most of us in the Delana clan have been somewhat suicidal...or had moments of touching the idea, poking it a little...wondering if it was doable, if it was a good idea.
Wild car rides...going to war as a teenager. It's all tied to death wish. But there are always more layers than we can know. I remember talking to Dad once when he was reading a war novel. He said he always knew what was going to happen on the next page. There is something in him, in his mind, in his memory that understands war. I think he is also a warrior. One more warrior in our line, who got corrupted by the powers-that-be.
But he was also a bit of a wild child, who may have gone to the military to end it...Interesting point.
When I was raging, I knew my kids were wary, waiting for it to end...walking on eggshells. They were nervous, wondering when it might happen again. Always wondering what started it, and how they could avoid it.
But they didn't start it. The pain started in my head, in my soul, and puked out of my mouth.
It never lasted long, but it was awful for all of us.
But there was power in it, in knowing someone was paying attention to me, was watching. Isn't that sick? It really sickens me to write that. But it is true.
When someone is absolutely powerless in their life...child, female, the new kid every school year, abused from an early age...absolutely powerless...any sense of power is gratifying.
I feel bereft admitting this is in me.
One of mine was talking about divorce, saying it can be good...look at us, that was when the yelling stopped. Because apparently their dad yelled when I wasn't around. I never knew that...my poor babies. I am so sorry. I told him, it wasn't the divorce, it was Al-Anon. Yeah - okay for yelling from me, but the divorce removed their father's relief of his own pain on the weakest...true bullying.
It is remarkable that my children turned out to be so kind.
I think Dad wanted to be noticed, but didn't know how. And his power over us sufficed. In the military power is deemed by rank. He was an NCO, so he was always low-ish man on the totem pole - except for when the new recruits showed up, and he got to whip them into shape. He was the youngest of three brothers - the oldest was mean. Uncle B. was mean. He was just mean.
Power...being noticed...protecting ourselves...stepping out...risking being a target...
It is all such a mess. But here we are dancing in it!
And being kind and, almost, admiring the mess, or at least acknowledging it.
The weekend here was wonderful. I loved being with S#3 and with my best friend from college, and her oldest. There was a lot of laughter and reminiscences and now some new memories.
Niece's chihuahua has escaped twice now. The first time he tried to take down a Fed Ex truck. Today - it was a cow. He has a very inflated sense of self!
Exhausted...but nicely...
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, September 18, 2016
excruciating…terrifying…opportunity
I was in a situation where I had to walk on eggshells. It was all deja-vu-ish in my brain. Then I got it...it was Dad. We always monitored Dad's moods when we were little. I remember listening for the weight and cadence of his footsteps. A certain walk meant he was going to be mean. I found lots of ways to avoid drawing his attention. Life was safer without it.
So what happens after we learn that we are better off without attention? What happens when we learn to make ourselves small and quiet...and as invisible as possible?
It is safer there...
Then, thinking about your young man, what happens when someone notices you. Not only notices you, but is kind, and who sees your value.
Excruciating.
Clare,
This describes how I feel in my house right now…
you've nailed it perfectly.
I walk around on egg shells…
listening for cues of a pending explosion.
I am, once again, hypervigilant.
The only difference is that now I stand up and get hit with the full force of the anger, rather than hiding from it.
Sometimes I provoke it…
unintentionally…
or maybe sometimes I am trying to break through using the anger…
eventually his wall has to come down.
The wall has to be dismantled…
but, mine came down on small piece at a time. First just enough to let some light inside. Then the pieces got bigger and more significant. Now, this young man is giving me ample opportunities to drop my defenses. Sometimes I am up for it, and sometimes I'm not.
I am trying to understand this from Papa's perspective…
because I believe this is a breakthrough that is hatching.
Perhaps his being noticed by children was excruciating. Perhaps their expectations of him- guidance, nurturing, attention, affection, love- was overwhelming to him. He could receive kudos for leading men sternly as a drill sergeant. He could receive recognition for being injured. He could not receive the attention of a child- innocence.
I'm getting a strong sense that he went to war in hopes that he would die.
Wow that's a strong statement…
but it's in my head and heart.
I'm having an impression that, because he never really knew tenderness and affection he didn't have the well to draw love and positive energy from. He only knew negative attention- or rejection.
Perhaps he really did want to do better than his parents and family did. Perhaps rejection along with less physical and emotional abuse was a step forward. Perhaps he did his best, under the circumstances.
Where does that leave me…
reliving this scenario with an explosive male?
I am critical of him many times…
is this exacting a revenge on Papa?
I am trying to mold and nurture him…
but he perceives everything as criticism at this moment.
I don't trust my responses to him any more…
I am becoming reactive rather than responsive.
I am becoming more and more like Papa D.
It's funny, in your last post you wrote about attention and the negative aspects when it came from Papa. I, too, was ridiculed for being smart with no common sense. But, as I got older in high school, he eventually began to notice me. He actually said he loved me once- spontaneously.
It's funny, I say it daily to my own family, multiple times, without a second thought.
But, I can still remember that one "I love you" coming out of his mouth.
I asked Mama to have him say "I'm proud of you" at my med school graduation…
he did, which was nice…
but I knew it was my prompting that did it…
so it wasn't valuable to me.
Actually the value was the lesson to myself that I would go to great lengths just to get a positive comment from his mouth.
I'm screwing this relationship up…
between the young man and myself…
because of my past experiences with Papa.
OMG…
the universe is telling me that I had the opportunity to go and learn this lesson with Papa…
which I've procrastinated doing…
and now it's brought the lesson into my own home!
Holy shit.
I cannot escape this lesson.
"Tear down this wall"
Excruciating…
terrifying…
opportunity.
The wall needs to be dismantled with attention, loving kindness, and tenderness.
Thanks for the insight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
So what happens after we learn that we are better off without attention? What happens when we learn to make ourselves small and quiet...and as invisible as possible?
It is safer there...
Then, thinking about your young man, what happens when someone notices you. Not only notices you, but is kind, and who sees your value.
Excruciating.
Clare,
This describes how I feel in my house right now…
you've nailed it perfectly.
I walk around on egg shells…
listening for cues of a pending explosion.
I am, once again, hypervigilant.
The only difference is that now I stand up and get hit with the full force of the anger, rather than hiding from it.
Sometimes I provoke it…
unintentionally…
or maybe sometimes I am trying to break through using the anger…
eventually his wall has to come down.
The wall has to be dismantled…
but, mine came down on small piece at a time. First just enough to let some light inside. Then the pieces got bigger and more significant. Now, this young man is giving me ample opportunities to drop my defenses. Sometimes I am up for it, and sometimes I'm not.
I am trying to understand this from Papa's perspective…
because I believe this is a breakthrough that is hatching.
Perhaps his being noticed by children was excruciating. Perhaps their expectations of him- guidance, nurturing, attention, affection, love- was overwhelming to him. He could receive kudos for leading men sternly as a drill sergeant. He could receive recognition for being injured. He could not receive the attention of a child- innocence.
I'm getting a strong sense that he went to war in hopes that he would die.
Wow that's a strong statement…
but it's in my head and heart.
I'm having an impression that, because he never really knew tenderness and affection he didn't have the well to draw love and positive energy from. He only knew negative attention- or rejection.
Perhaps he really did want to do better than his parents and family did. Perhaps rejection along with less physical and emotional abuse was a step forward. Perhaps he did his best, under the circumstances.
Where does that leave me…
reliving this scenario with an explosive male?
I am critical of him many times…
is this exacting a revenge on Papa?
I am trying to mold and nurture him…
but he perceives everything as criticism at this moment.
I don't trust my responses to him any more…
I am becoming reactive rather than responsive.
I am becoming more and more like Papa D.
It's funny, in your last post you wrote about attention and the negative aspects when it came from Papa. I, too, was ridiculed for being smart with no common sense. But, as I got older in high school, he eventually began to notice me. He actually said he loved me once- spontaneously.
It's funny, I say it daily to my own family, multiple times, without a second thought.
But, I can still remember that one "I love you" coming out of his mouth.
I asked Mama to have him say "I'm proud of you" at my med school graduation…
he did, which was nice…
but I knew it was my prompting that did it…
so it wasn't valuable to me.
Actually the value was the lesson to myself that I would go to great lengths just to get a positive comment from his mouth.
I'm screwing this relationship up…
between the young man and myself…
because of my past experiences with Papa.
OMG…
the universe is telling me that I had the opportunity to go and learn this lesson with Papa…
which I've procrastinated doing…
and now it's brought the lesson into my own home!
Holy shit.
I cannot escape this lesson.
"Tear down this wall"
Excruciating…
terrifying…
opportunity.
The wall needs to be dismantled with attention, loving kindness, and tenderness.
Thanks for the insight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, September 15, 2016
OK, I'll agree
OK, Maggie,
I will go with that. Attention = attachment. And you are right, we didn't get much - attention or attachment. I probably got more than you, because I was an only...but only for less than one year. Then I got pushed aside, because I was the big girl. And B#2 was born before my second birthday. By the time we got to you...everyone was stretched to the max, especially since we didn't live near family.
With B#4 and S#3, there was family around. I think that helped. But I think what really helped was that we lived near family because Papa was stationed somewhere we couldn't go. I remember relaxing when he was gone...
I am wondering what it feels like to receive attention after not getting any...
I was in a situation where I had to walk on eggshells. It was all deja-vu-ish in my brain. Then I got it...it was Dad. We always monitored Dad's moods when we were little. I remember listening for the weight and cadence of his footsteps. A certain walk meant he was going to be mean. I found lots of ways to avoid drawing his attention. Life was safer without it.
So what happens after we learn that we are better off without attention? What happens when we learn to make ourselves small and quiet...and as invisible as possible?
It is safer there...
Then, thinking about your young man, what happens when someone notices you. Not only notices you, but is kind, and who sees your value.
Excruciating.
All of life's truths crumble, our safety nets rip and we are left naked and hanging, twisting in the wind.
I wonder if that is part of what is happening to him, part of the root of his behavior.
I got ridiculed for my good grades...I remember Dad telling me what he thought of me, more than once, in a statement beginning, "For someone who's supposed to be so smart..." then he'd cut me with his witty zingers.
We don't know how to glory in attention, or even how to simply accept it, and maybe then to share that, and pay exquisite attention to others. Yet we soulfully long for it.
Maybe this is the root of my feeling that life might just be better without a partner.
Cold and tired...but it's almost Friday!!
Love and hugs from Clare
I will go with that. Attention = attachment. And you are right, we didn't get much - attention or attachment. I probably got more than you, because I was an only...but only for less than one year. Then I got pushed aside, because I was the big girl. And B#2 was born before my second birthday. By the time we got to you...everyone was stretched to the max, especially since we didn't live near family.
With B#4 and S#3, there was family around. I think that helped. But I think what really helped was that we lived near family because Papa was stationed somewhere we couldn't go. I remember relaxing when he was gone...
I am wondering what it feels like to receive attention after not getting any...
I was in a situation where I had to walk on eggshells. It was all deja-vu-ish in my brain. Then I got it...it was Dad. We always monitored Dad's moods when we were little. I remember listening for the weight and cadence of his footsteps. A certain walk meant he was going to be mean. I found lots of ways to avoid drawing his attention. Life was safer without it.
So what happens after we learn that we are better off without attention? What happens when we learn to make ourselves small and quiet...and as invisible as possible?
It is safer there...
Then, thinking about your young man, what happens when someone notices you. Not only notices you, but is kind, and who sees your value.
Excruciating.
All of life's truths crumble, our safety nets rip and we are left naked and hanging, twisting in the wind.
I wonder if that is part of what is happening to him, part of the root of his behavior.
I got ridiculed for my good grades...I remember Dad telling me what he thought of me, more than once, in a statement beginning, "For someone who's supposed to be so smart..." then he'd cut me with his witty zingers.
We don't know how to glory in attention, or even how to simply accept it, and maybe then to share that, and pay exquisite attention to others. Yet we soulfully long for it.
Maybe this is the root of my feeling that life might just be better without a partner.
Cold and tired...but it's almost Friday!!
Love and hugs from Clare
attention = attachment
Clare,
When no one bothers to ooh and ah over your accomplishments…
you get the message of being unlikeable and unloveable.
We got minimal attention growing up…
at least by the time I came around. I remember when I would sing Mama would pay attention…
but Papa would get pissed off because he couldn't hear the TV.
I used to get some attention for my report cards…
over excelling for attention…
one of my best patterns in life.
We attach to those who attend to us…
hence our dysfunctional attachments within relationships.
The situation with the man's attention on the bus is kind of creepy…
it feels like it's too much too soon.
Even when we connect it doesn't have to be with someone's hand caressing my leg.
Very interesting.
I do agree with him though that you are beautiful.
I had an email exchange with my first love this week…
catalyzed by a dream he had…
he didn't disclose the plot…
just that I was in it.
He wanted to make sure I was ok.
I share some of the stress that's going on…
and shared the rejection insights.
He wrote, "That's funny, I never saw it as a rejection." (talking about my breaking up with him) to which I replied, "That is how I felt it."(talking about his distractions at college). I thanked him for being a part of my life's lessons and told him I value his friendship still. It felt good to able to finally share that with him. I'd explained it previously, but never that simplified.
We start with the family counselor tonight. Husband and I go for the first session. It should be interesting to get another perspective. She wants to understand our goals with the young man. I have to figure out how to articulate all of those…or simplify it to "love him".
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
When no one bothers to ooh and ah over your accomplishments…
you get the message of being unlikeable and unloveable.
We got minimal attention growing up…
at least by the time I came around. I remember when I would sing Mama would pay attention…
but Papa would get pissed off because he couldn't hear the TV.
I used to get some attention for my report cards…
over excelling for attention…
one of my best patterns in life.
We attach to those who attend to us…
hence our dysfunctional attachments within relationships.
The situation with the man's attention on the bus is kind of creepy…
it feels like it's too much too soon.
Even when we connect it doesn't have to be with someone's hand caressing my leg.
Very interesting.
I do agree with him though that you are beautiful.
I had an email exchange with my first love this week…
catalyzed by a dream he had…
he didn't disclose the plot…
just that I was in it.
He wanted to make sure I was ok.
I share some of the stress that's going on…
and shared the rejection insights.
He wrote, "That's funny, I never saw it as a rejection." (talking about my breaking up with him) to which I replied, "That is how I felt it."(talking about his distractions at college). I thanked him for being a part of my life's lessons and told him I value his friendship still. It felt good to able to finally share that with him. I'd explained it previously, but never that simplified.
We start with the family counselor tonight. Husband and I go for the first session. It should be interesting to get another perspective. She wants to understand our goals with the young man. I have to figure out how to articulate all of those…or simplify it to "love him".
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
unlikeable
Hi Maggie,
Patterns. Of course it all relates back to Dad. I didn't think about it, though, until you said it here. Then - aha!!
Obviously you felt rejection from Dad, and so you are replaying it over and over, trying to make it right. Me, on the other hand...I reject. Interesting.
I am so grateful that you are reaching out for help, because, vicariously, I am gaining insight, also.
My rejection of those who love me is tied to: I'm not good enough. I guess I let them go, or make them go, or turn my back before they have a chance to reject me. It's like preemptive warfare, which I morally object to.
So how did this play out in our family of origin. I have never considered this before.
I always felt like Dad didn't like me. I still feel like Dad doesn't like me. But I don't especially feel unlikeable. But if a parent doesn't like you, rejects you, there must be something wrong with you...does it follow?
I rejected my college sweetheart, and we didn't communicate for about 10 years. Then we got back in touch, and he has been a dear friend ever since. I remember once when we were living together, and doing our laundry, he told me his mom ironed sheets, and I thought - I will never be good enough for this family. And I started pulling away, and broke up probably a few months later. So, I guess that was a kind expecting people to not like me...
With my ex, I always had the feeling that he really loved me, but didn't especially like me. He always thought I was a tad off. And I probably am, but that can be fun.
Maybe my core issue is that I don't think I am likeable. Hmmm...never considered this before. Maybe I do believe I am unlikeable...sort of different than being unloveable. I can go there, too.
I met a man on the bus. I was boarding and he took one look at me, his eyes lit up, and he asked me to sit with him. I said I would love to, and climbed in. He told me I was beautiful, I am exactly the kind of woman he is attractive to. He had his hand on my leg, and was moving me into positions - shifting me, sort of. I felt like a doll. I was monitoring myself, waiting to see when the panic set in. He finally noticed my face, and that I was not into it, and so we talked. For hours. It turned out he was funny and intelligent and had an interesting job. But every once in awhile, he would break and tell me I was so beautiful...after the bus ride, he started calling me via Messenger on my tablet every day. I was checking my tablet in the morning and the evening, and leaving it in my room during the day. That was partly because I was there to spend time with family, not to be involved with virtual reality, and partly to avoid the consarned ringing. Missed calls made me feel guilty. I was not interested in feeling guilty.
So one morning I answered. He said - oh there you are, you are so beautiful, I wish I could kiss you...smile for me...Really? Smile for me. I made the Delana face...the incredulous one where we life one eye brow and half the face, with a look of WTF. He said oh, thank you...
I never answered the phone again.
I had the impression that he never saw me and was aware of me. He had an ideal that I sort of fit.
But it made me think. If I wanted a relationship, here was someone who was willing and easy. I obviously don't. I don't want to have to entertain someone. It just seems like work.
Maybe I just don't want to ever be in a relationship again...
Bing...Reject...gone, no more problem. I did send him a message telling him my life is out of control right now, and I don't have anything left over at the moment.
I don't have any regrets about this...it has just been a real curiosity for me to sit with it and notice it.
You and S#4...stress = weight loss. I envy you. I'm like S#3. Stress = binge eating. Numbing or controlling, those are the classics of children of alcoholics. We are the poster children!
I wonder how many of us are having a chance to reclaim our lost souls through your process...
Love and hugs from Clare
Patterns. Of course it all relates back to Dad. I didn't think about it, though, until you said it here. Then - aha!!
Obviously you felt rejection from Dad, and so you are replaying it over and over, trying to make it right. Me, on the other hand...I reject. Interesting.
I am so grateful that you are reaching out for help, because, vicariously, I am gaining insight, also.
My rejection of those who love me is tied to: I'm not good enough. I guess I let them go, or make them go, or turn my back before they have a chance to reject me. It's like preemptive warfare, which I morally object to.
So how did this play out in our family of origin. I have never considered this before.
I always felt like Dad didn't like me. I still feel like Dad doesn't like me. But I don't especially feel unlikeable. But if a parent doesn't like you, rejects you, there must be something wrong with you...does it follow?
I rejected my college sweetheart, and we didn't communicate for about 10 years. Then we got back in touch, and he has been a dear friend ever since. I remember once when we were living together, and doing our laundry, he told me his mom ironed sheets, and I thought - I will never be good enough for this family. And I started pulling away, and broke up probably a few months later. So, I guess that was a kind expecting people to not like me...
With my ex, I always had the feeling that he really loved me, but didn't especially like me. He always thought I was a tad off. And I probably am, but that can be fun.
Maybe my core issue is that I don't think I am likeable. Hmmm...never considered this before. Maybe I do believe I am unlikeable...sort of different than being unloveable. I can go there, too.
I met a man on the bus. I was boarding and he took one look at me, his eyes lit up, and he asked me to sit with him. I said I would love to, and climbed in. He told me I was beautiful, I am exactly the kind of woman he is attractive to. He had his hand on my leg, and was moving me into positions - shifting me, sort of. I felt like a doll. I was monitoring myself, waiting to see when the panic set in. He finally noticed my face, and that I was not into it, and so we talked. For hours. It turned out he was funny and intelligent and had an interesting job. But every once in awhile, he would break and tell me I was so beautiful...after the bus ride, he started calling me via Messenger on my tablet every day. I was checking my tablet in the morning and the evening, and leaving it in my room during the day. That was partly because I was there to spend time with family, not to be involved with virtual reality, and partly to avoid the consarned ringing. Missed calls made me feel guilty. I was not interested in feeling guilty.
So one morning I answered. He said - oh there you are, you are so beautiful, I wish I could kiss you...smile for me...Really? Smile for me. I made the Delana face...the incredulous one where we life one eye brow and half the face, with a look of WTF. He said oh, thank you...
I never answered the phone again.
I had the impression that he never saw me and was aware of me. He had an ideal that I sort of fit.
But it made me think. If I wanted a relationship, here was someone who was willing and easy. I obviously don't. I don't want to have to entertain someone. It just seems like work.
Maybe I just don't want to ever be in a relationship again...
Bing...Reject...gone, no more problem. I did send him a message telling him my life is out of control right now, and I don't have anything left over at the moment.
I don't have any regrets about this...it has just been a real curiosity for me to sit with it and notice it.
You and S#4...stress = weight loss. I envy you. I'm like S#3. Stress = binge eating. Numbing or controlling, those are the classics of children of alcoholics. We are the poster children!
I wonder how many of us are having a chance to reclaim our lost souls through your process...
Love and hugs from Clare
patterns
Clare,
I am seeing patterns…
my reiki healer told me she would send me tools to move forward…
she could not renegotiate the karmic contract…
but tools could be offered…
I hate rejection by males as much as my young man hates rejection from females.
I've had 3 periods in my life where I have been stressed to the point of weight loss.
The first was my first love…
he got busy with a fraternity after I left for med school…
no time to write, visit, etc.
I broke up…
didn't speak with him for 25 years.
The next was husband…
busy with work…
leaving me alone with 4 kids…
separated for 1.5 years and I asked for a divorce.
Now this young man. I do have trouble telling males I need them to see me…
hear me…
appreciate me.
I need this lesson now.
I feel like it's tied to Papa's illness too.
I need to summon the courage to lift my voice…
be heard…
be seen.
You are right…
I am reaching out for help.
It feels good to ask for support…
and have it come through.
People want this to be successful…
I want this to be successful.
It does take a village to reclaim lost souls.
Blessings to your friend in the afterlife.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am seeing patterns…
my reiki healer told me she would send me tools to move forward…
she could not renegotiate the karmic contract…
but tools could be offered…
I hate rejection by males as much as my young man hates rejection from females.
I've had 3 periods in my life where I have been stressed to the point of weight loss.
The first was my first love…
he got busy with a fraternity after I left for med school…
no time to write, visit, etc.
I broke up…
didn't speak with him for 25 years.
The next was husband…
busy with work…
leaving me alone with 4 kids…
separated for 1.5 years and I asked for a divorce.
Now this young man. I do have trouble telling males I need them to see me…
hear me…
appreciate me.
I need this lesson now.
I feel like it's tied to Papa's illness too.
I need to summon the courage to lift my voice…
be heard…
be seen.
You are right…
I am reaching out for help.
It feels good to ask for support…
and have it come through.
People want this to be successful…
I want this to be successful.
It does take a village to reclaim lost souls.
Blessings to your friend in the afterlife.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, September 12, 2016
baby steps
Hey Maggie,
I'll say it again - you are birthing a family - two steps forward, one step back. Overall there is forward movement. I also think that without the forward movement, we would give up.
I just remembered a technique I used with mine...they hated it, but it was very effective. Instead of telling them where they screwed up, and basically lecturing them, or talking at them - ask him to describe it all to you. Your job is to ask the questions that elicit the full story.
They can't roll their eyes or tune you out. They are the ones that are talking.
Then your job is to qualify the effects of their behavior. I constantly asked them what kind of person they wanted to be. And would that person do this...whatever transgression we were discussing.
Finally, with your boy, ask him if he wants to be dishonest, if he wants to be a liar, if he wants to be someone who can not be trusted. Because every time he lies to you, he is making a choice to be that man. Each decision is important. If forms us. And every time he lies and sneaks around, he is making a statement that he needs to be policed.
My youngest got a puppy. Well, her in-laws got a puppy, which I think was intended for her little family. And the subterfuge worked. She was here with the dog this evening, when she asked where the other dog came from. I looked behind me and there was a beautiful black pup. It turned out she belongs to a neighbor. But I am full of puppy energy...
While we were out back, a blue heron flew low over the yard. I looked up and said the name of my friend who died young of cancer. My daughter acknowledged that truth then reminded me my friend's birthday was yesterday. I forgot for the first time since she passed. So I have to go and write notes to her parents, so they know their beautiful girl lives on in our hearts.
I felt sad, but a different kind of sad. I think it has been 10 years since she died.
Wow...
Love and hugs from Clare
I'll say it again - you are birthing a family - two steps forward, one step back. Overall there is forward movement. I also think that without the forward movement, we would give up.
I just remembered a technique I used with mine...they hated it, but it was very effective. Instead of telling them where they screwed up, and basically lecturing them, or talking at them - ask him to describe it all to you. Your job is to ask the questions that elicit the full story.
They can't roll their eyes or tune you out. They are the ones that are talking.
Then your job is to qualify the effects of their behavior. I constantly asked them what kind of person they wanted to be. And would that person do this...whatever transgression we were discussing.
Finally, with your boy, ask him if he wants to be dishonest, if he wants to be a liar, if he wants to be someone who can not be trusted. Because every time he lies to you, he is making a choice to be that man. Each decision is important. If forms us. And every time he lies and sneaks around, he is making a statement that he needs to be policed.
My youngest got a puppy. Well, her in-laws got a puppy, which I think was intended for her little family. And the subterfuge worked. She was here with the dog this evening, when she asked where the other dog came from. I looked behind me and there was a beautiful black pup. It turned out she belongs to a neighbor. But I am full of puppy energy...
While we were out back, a blue heron flew low over the yard. I looked up and said the name of my friend who died young of cancer. My daughter acknowledged that truth then reminded me my friend's birthday was yesterday. I forgot for the first time since she passed. So I have to go and write notes to her parents, so they know their beautiful girl lives on in our hearts.
I felt sad, but a different kind of sad. I think it has been 10 years since she died.
Wow...
Love and hugs from Clare
stuff
Clare,
His 'stuff' is his electronics…
cell phone….
tablet…
access to the gaming system.
He was trying to meet up with a former group home resident who was missing for 2 weeks, stole a car, and wanted to hang with my young man and get high. He lied about it and chose poorly time and time again- getting himself deeper and deeper into doo-doo.
I gave him back his tablet after one week but told him no internet/social media and he plugged it in as soon as I left the house and proceeded to connect. He did this several times through the week with others' lap tops- no permission and being banned from internet. The punishment grew first by a day with each infraction and then by a week to get his attention. The tablet is his. The cell phone, internet, gaming system, and laptops are ours. He gets angry and says things that are inflated.
We found some common ground and peace last evening. He explained his views. I explained where I am. We compromised on things that can be compromised on. The other stuff was discussed and some resolution was gained. The house feels different.
I had never told him about his mom's presence during a reiki session right after she died. I told him yesterday. I also told him that she didn't understand kindness…
that was the message I came away with from the experience.
I also suggested that may be a worthy goal for him to pursue…
being kind to others…
create a legacy of kindness in honor of his mother.
Today is a better day.
I hope it lasts.
We've ridden one storm through.
Grant me the strength to ride out the rest.
I have to leave to teach.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
His 'stuff' is his electronics…
cell phone….
tablet…
access to the gaming system.
He was trying to meet up with a former group home resident who was missing for 2 weeks, stole a car, and wanted to hang with my young man and get high. He lied about it and chose poorly time and time again- getting himself deeper and deeper into doo-doo.
I gave him back his tablet after one week but told him no internet/social media and he plugged it in as soon as I left the house and proceeded to connect. He did this several times through the week with others' lap tops- no permission and being banned from internet. The punishment grew first by a day with each infraction and then by a week to get his attention. The tablet is his. The cell phone, internet, gaming system, and laptops are ours. He gets angry and says things that are inflated.
We found some common ground and peace last evening. He explained his views. I explained where I am. We compromised on things that can be compromised on. The other stuff was discussed and some resolution was gained. The house feels different.
I had never told him about his mom's presence during a reiki session right after she died. I told him yesterday. I also told him that she didn't understand kindness…
that was the message I came away with from the experience.
I also suggested that may be a worthy goal for him to pursue…
being kind to others…
create a legacy of kindness in honor of his mother.
Today is a better day.
I hope it lasts.
We've ridden one storm through.
Grant me the strength to ride out the rest.
I have to leave to teach.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Toddling
Hi Maggie,
You have my love, my shoulder, my support, my ear...
Two things came to mind as I read your latest post. First is one really important thing I learned at Al-Anon. You can't change anyone else. You can only change yourself.
But the magic is that as you change, the relationship changes, the other person is likely to change...although that is not your goal.
But look at what he is doing for you. You are reaching out to connect with other people. You are creating your support group, your family - you are collecting and connecting with your people. At least some of us...and that is a gift for people like us who prefer to appear strong, and hide as much as possible.
The other thing that comes to mind is toddlers. It started with a friend of one of my kids. She asked why her kids were always so crazy when they got home. She left them with other people who thought they were angels.
It came to me that mama is the safe place. When kids are out and about, under the care of others, they know they are not the recipient of unconditional love. That comes from mama. So when they get home all that stress of being "on" all day long crashes, and they can let the stress go - loudly. They are "bad" for mama because she is the safe place.
I think you are your young man's safe place. Yay! But on top of that, you have a whole heaping helping of him trying to prove he is not good enough. He, on some level, wants to be rejected again, to prove that that is all he is worth. So you have the hardest position in this whole game!
I am the strange one in the family - but I wonder if you could have someone come and clear your house. I know people who do that kind of work here. It could help support what is going on, on a spiritual level. It is not good that you feel so stressed in your own home. In a way, it means that you do not have a home. You do not have a safe place in this world. Not good. My guess is that your reiki practitioner would have some leads...
And yes, you do make sure he eats. You provide healthy foods. You do oversee sleeping and hygiene and homework...maybe ask him what kind of reminders he needs. But you also have to let him fall on his face if he doesn't follow through - except on the meds. That is too important...
You two have to figure out how to meet in the middle. You have to figure out where the middle is. The rest of us have no idea. We are just waiting for you pioneers to go first.
I am still curious - what stuff did he lose?
I just sent a pitch query email to the magazine I mentioned a few days ago. My adrenaline is pumping. I am frightened and exhilarated...
Love and hugs from Clare
You have my love, my shoulder, my support, my ear...
Two things came to mind as I read your latest post. First is one really important thing I learned at Al-Anon. You can't change anyone else. You can only change yourself.
But the magic is that as you change, the relationship changes, the other person is likely to change...although that is not your goal.
But look at what he is doing for you. You are reaching out to connect with other people. You are creating your support group, your family - you are collecting and connecting with your people. At least some of us...and that is a gift for people like us who prefer to appear strong, and hide as much as possible.
The other thing that comes to mind is toddlers. It started with a friend of one of my kids. She asked why her kids were always so crazy when they got home. She left them with other people who thought they were angels.
It came to me that mama is the safe place. When kids are out and about, under the care of others, they know they are not the recipient of unconditional love. That comes from mama. So when they get home all that stress of being "on" all day long crashes, and they can let the stress go - loudly. They are "bad" for mama because she is the safe place.
I think you are your young man's safe place. Yay! But on top of that, you have a whole heaping helping of him trying to prove he is not good enough. He, on some level, wants to be rejected again, to prove that that is all he is worth. So you have the hardest position in this whole game!
I am the strange one in the family - but I wonder if you could have someone come and clear your house. I know people who do that kind of work here. It could help support what is going on, on a spiritual level. It is not good that you feel so stressed in your own home. In a way, it means that you do not have a home. You do not have a safe place in this world. Not good. My guess is that your reiki practitioner would have some leads...
And yes, you do make sure he eats. You provide healthy foods. You do oversee sleeping and hygiene and homework...maybe ask him what kind of reminders he needs. But you also have to let him fall on his face if he doesn't follow through - except on the meds. That is too important...
You two have to figure out how to meet in the middle. You have to figure out where the middle is. The rest of us have no idea. We are just waiting for you pioneers to go first.
I am still curious - what stuff did he lose?
I just sent a pitch query email to the magazine I mentioned a few days ago. My adrenaline is pumping. I am frightened and exhilarated...
Love and hugs from Clare
my guts hurt...
Clare,
I read and understand…
I want to change this pattern…
I talked with friends this morning…
I came home intending to begin a dialogue about compromise and listening…
and then a wave of nausea hit me.
I am sick each time I come into my house…
tension…
makes my guts hurt.
I don't know how to step off this merry go round.
My friend told me my only job is to love this kid.
So do I stop caring about the details?
Do I not make sure he eats well, sleeps, bathes, takes his meds, does his homework?
What does that mean?
I now have husband asking him to do simple tasks, as above…
and he happily does them.
The negativity is directed at me.
I don't know what 'just love him' look alike without being invested in the end product.
That is who I am.
The tone of the conversation was to allow him to say his peace…
bring up the issues that are making him resistant…
he has plenty to say when it's just he and I…
it was just complaining to another person that created the reluctance.
I believe the pressure from the director is to get him to understand his need to open and invest himself here and now…
or at least in the near future.
I do understand your point. But, if this is a microcosm of the big picture then this has to be handled from both sides. I cannot give all, nor can he…
we have to meet in the middle and compromise.
Right now its looking like an all or nothing.
My youngest's team won the game. It was the first time I've seen them win a game. He played well. No one was hurt in the game. Life is good.
I'm off to consider my life and the next steps.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I read and understand…
I want to change this pattern…
I talked with friends this morning…
I came home intending to begin a dialogue about compromise and listening…
and then a wave of nausea hit me.
I am sick each time I come into my house…
tension…
makes my guts hurt.
I don't know how to step off this merry go round.
My friend told me my only job is to love this kid.
So do I stop caring about the details?
Do I not make sure he eats well, sleeps, bathes, takes his meds, does his homework?
What does that mean?
I now have husband asking him to do simple tasks, as above…
and he happily does them.
The negativity is directed at me.
I don't know what 'just love him' look alike without being invested in the end product.
That is who I am.
The tone of the conversation was to allow him to say his peace…
bring up the issues that are making him resistant…
he has plenty to say when it's just he and I…
it was just complaining to another person that created the reluctance.
I believe the pressure from the director is to get him to understand his need to open and invest himself here and now…
or at least in the near future.
I do understand your point. But, if this is a microcosm of the big picture then this has to be handled from both sides. I cannot give all, nor can he…
we have to meet in the middle and compromise.
Right now its looking like an all or nothing.
My youngest's team won the game. It was the first time I've seen them win a game. He played well. No one was hurt in the game. Life is good.
I'm off to consider my life and the next steps.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, September 10, 2016
You were thinking - It'sTime.
Hi Maggie,
I am troubled by your report of the visit of the director of the group home. You put the young man on the spot first? Sort of pointing the finger at the problem, isn't it? Then he was told not to blow this chance. It puts everything on him. A well-to-do white family wants you, you lucky boy, now conform. Do as you're told so you can be acceptable. There is a whole level of classism which is peeking through around the edges.
I think you have the opportunity for great learning here. Your young man also has opportunity for great learning. Neither one of you is more teacher than the other.
I love the fact that your healer recognized this as a soul contract. You two, plus your family, are working on some important karma. And speaking from experience, do not turn your back on a soul contract.
But I think it is bigger than that. It is societal, and you are doing your part. And it's hard...really hard work.
We know we are here at a time of great change.
I saw a video explaining the origins of the words cracker, white trash and redneck. All were used by the 1% to let the rest of us know we were/we are not them. But at the same time, we were not quite black, thank God, or Indian, worse? It was an effective move. We whites who are not the 1% are just better enough to value our standing. And we are aware!
Then we also have a layer of understanding that we have the caste system, created by God. Those born into the highest caste are simply there because they are favored by God...don't look behind the screen...do not think about suicide nets and Steve Jobs and Apple CEO's, and more important - investors. These people are favored by God. They have the right to use, to abuse, to exploit, to make money for themselves.
And the rest of us want to be just like them - favored. That's why a man like Donald Trump can get people to listen to him. He has money, he must be favored by God. Ignore the fact that his family got rich, partially, on prostitution. Ignore the four bankruptcies - he really does not need to honor his word to the lower castes....those of us who are not favored. But God must love him...
The more I think about it, the more it boils down to classism. Male is more important than female. Lighter skin is more valuable than darker skin. Rich are more valuable than poor, or even middle class.
And right now, we are at a time of change, when we have to look at this, take a stand, and do something. I think we are in the midst of an enormous generational karma. And you and your young man are just a microcosm of the big battle. But you have to get it right. You win your battle and the whole war is more winnable.
I think many of us have it tough this time, because we have let the 1% destroy our innate humanity, and now we have to fight real hard to win ourselves back. We have to drop their lens, and see the Earth as Gaia, as alive, as a source of life, not as a possession to be exploited for resources.
Water is a human right. No one has the right to own it. But who is going to stand up to Nestles' billions???
So, what stuff did he lose?
I have a Friend who does trauma workshops, and part of the work is play therapy. I was thinking about it for your young man because you said he functions at age 5, sometimes, in some ways.
But her work might apply to the pilot course you are planning. If you would like to be connected to her, I can do that...
If I had a car, I would attend. I think you are doing good work!
Who won?
Love and hugs from Clare
I am troubled by your report of the visit of the director of the group home. You put the young man on the spot first? Sort of pointing the finger at the problem, isn't it? Then he was told not to blow this chance. It puts everything on him. A well-to-do white family wants you, you lucky boy, now conform. Do as you're told so you can be acceptable. There is a whole level of classism which is peeking through around the edges.
I think you have the opportunity for great learning here. Your young man also has opportunity for great learning. Neither one of you is more teacher than the other.
I love the fact that your healer recognized this as a soul contract. You two, plus your family, are working on some important karma. And speaking from experience, do not turn your back on a soul contract.
But I think it is bigger than that. It is societal, and you are doing your part. And it's hard...really hard work.
We know we are here at a time of great change.
I saw a video explaining the origins of the words cracker, white trash and redneck. All were used by the 1% to let the rest of us know we were/we are not them. But at the same time, we were not quite black, thank God, or Indian, worse? It was an effective move. We whites who are not the 1% are just better enough to value our standing. And we are aware!
Then we also have a layer of understanding that we have the caste system, created by God. Those born into the highest caste are simply there because they are favored by God...don't look behind the screen...do not think about suicide nets and Steve Jobs and Apple CEO's, and more important - investors. These people are favored by God. They have the right to use, to abuse, to exploit, to make money for themselves.
And the rest of us want to be just like them - favored. That's why a man like Donald Trump can get people to listen to him. He has money, he must be favored by God. Ignore the fact that his family got rich, partially, on prostitution. Ignore the four bankruptcies - he really does not need to honor his word to the lower castes....those of us who are not favored. But God must love him...
The more I think about it, the more it boils down to classism. Male is more important than female. Lighter skin is more valuable than darker skin. Rich are more valuable than poor, or even middle class.
And right now, we are at a time of change, when we have to look at this, take a stand, and do something. I think we are in the midst of an enormous generational karma. And you and your young man are just a microcosm of the big battle. But you have to get it right. You win your battle and the whole war is more winnable.
I think many of us have it tough this time, because we have let the 1% destroy our innate humanity, and now we have to fight real hard to win ourselves back. We have to drop their lens, and see the Earth as Gaia, as alive, as a source of life, not as a possession to be exploited for resources.
Water is a human right. No one has the right to own it. But who is going to stand up to Nestles' billions???
So, what stuff did he lose?
I have a Friend who does trauma workshops, and part of the work is play therapy. I was thinking about it for your young man because you said he functions at age 5, sometimes, in some ways.
But her work might apply to the pilot course you are planning. If you would like to be connected to her, I can do that...
If I had a car, I would attend. I think you are doing good work!
Who won?
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, September 9, 2016
what was I thinking?
Clare,
I am walking the tight rope…
I am balancing because I am moving cautiously and choosing how to place my feet. I am no longer dancing or gliding through life. I am careful about my words. I am waiting for the next reaction. But knowing some pressure and confrontation is needed.
Yesterday the director of the group home paid a visit to my house. I invited her to visit and help us. She agreed to come. I invited the young man to begin. He didn't know what to say. So she jumped in. She was very direct to the young man.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime…
don't blow it because of fear of attaching…
that's a synopsis of a 2.5 hour conversation.
He was able to vent a bit…
but mostly about losing his stuff…
not caring about stuff…
losing his stuff…
but it's not a big deal…
losing his stuff.
Relationship is excruciating for him. He is convinced we are going to reject him…
like all of the others.
After she left I saw my reiki healer. She told me I am almost a train wreck. Not as bad as the first time we met, but not good either. We talked about the household…
what's going on. My unfinished business with dad and turmoil with the young man. She told me that this is a 'karmic contract' which cannot be renegotiated. If I fail this the next 'test' will be even greater.
Great…
I've got to ride this out…
but I've also got to maintain my sanity in the process.
I'm not sure how this is going to play through.
What was I thinking?
She told me I'm a warrior…
a peaceful warrior.
This warrior wants to go on a vacation…
and get her nails done…
a facial and a pedicure would be great too.
Or at least a glass of wine.
Why did I choose such a tough life this time around?
I am always the overachiever…
I'm never satisfied with good enough…
it has to be over the top!
I wish I could see the big picture…
at least a glimpse.
Maybe that would strengthen me for this period of time.
I need strength.
The reiki healer did tell me that I should play more with the young man…
'get dirty in the mud with him' was how she put it. She told me he needs to be fixed and healed in his 5 year old self before he can grow up and move on. That sounds much like you've been telling me. I should listen to you more. I'm not a very good playing person, especially when it is with a 17 year old male. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm picturing baking and science experiments. That's where my comfort zone is right now.
I met with my "Creating Zen" group today. It is a yoga instructor, massage therapist, psychologist and myself. We are creating a 6 week seminar for trauma healing, working from the body into the mind. It is probably going to run in January - February.
This is a pilot…
see what works and what doesn't.
We are picturing 3 hour sessions once a week…
gathering and greeting…
half go to yoga (trauma sensitive)…
the other half will work in group on a Seeking Safety course, mindfulness, and be taken out one by one for massage (cranial sacral release).
then switch halves and do it again…
we will finish with a meditation and group processing session.
What do you think?
We need to figure out the marketing and who to market it to.
That's all for now. I'm off to the youngest's football game.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am walking the tight rope…
I am balancing because I am moving cautiously and choosing how to place my feet. I am no longer dancing or gliding through life. I am careful about my words. I am waiting for the next reaction. But knowing some pressure and confrontation is needed.
Yesterday the director of the group home paid a visit to my house. I invited her to visit and help us. She agreed to come. I invited the young man to begin. He didn't know what to say. So she jumped in. She was very direct to the young man.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime…
don't blow it because of fear of attaching…
that's a synopsis of a 2.5 hour conversation.
He was able to vent a bit…
but mostly about losing his stuff…
not caring about stuff…
losing his stuff…
but it's not a big deal…
losing his stuff.
Relationship is excruciating for him. He is convinced we are going to reject him…
like all of the others.
After she left I saw my reiki healer. She told me I am almost a train wreck. Not as bad as the first time we met, but not good either. We talked about the household…
what's going on. My unfinished business with dad and turmoil with the young man. She told me that this is a 'karmic contract' which cannot be renegotiated. If I fail this the next 'test' will be even greater.
Great…
I've got to ride this out…
but I've also got to maintain my sanity in the process.
I'm not sure how this is going to play through.
What was I thinking?
She told me I'm a warrior…
a peaceful warrior.
This warrior wants to go on a vacation…
and get her nails done…
a facial and a pedicure would be great too.
Or at least a glass of wine.
Why did I choose such a tough life this time around?
I am always the overachiever…
I'm never satisfied with good enough…
it has to be over the top!
I wish I could see the big picture…
at least a glimpse.
Maybe that would strengthen me for this period of time.
I need strength.
The reiki healer did tell me that I should play more with the young man…
'get dirty in the mud with him' was how she put it. She told me he needs to be fixed and healed in his 5 year old self before he can grow up and move on. That sounds much like you've been telling me. I should listen to you more. I'm not a very good playing person, especially when it is with a 17 year old male. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm picturing baking and science experiments. That's where my comfort zone is right now.
I met with my "Creating Zen" group today. It is a yoga instructor, massage therapist, psychologist and myself. We are creating a 6 week seminar for trauma healing, working from the body into the mind. It is probably going to run in January - February.
This is a pilot…
see what works and what doesn't.
We are picturing 3 hour sessions once a week…
gathering and greeting…
half go to yoga (trauma sensitive)…
the other half will work in group on a Seeking Safety course, mindfulness, and be taken out one by one for massage (cranial sacral release).
then switch halves and do it again…
we will finish with a meditation and group processing session.
What do you think?
We need to figure out the marketing and who to market it to.
That's all for now. I'm off to the youngest's football game.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Zen and the art...of life
Hey Mags,
You are not crazy. You are zen. You are in the moment, and dealing with each surprise the universe lobs at you. And you are most likely doing it all with grace.
Physical play...I still roll down the hill out front. I still like to sled with the grandkids. I really like going to the creek and looking for crayfish or building dams. I like being outside.
I like walking in the trees. I like singing loud outside. I love hanging laundry...
Little joys...the ways we let sunshine into our souls!
I like harvesting and cooking and wildcrafting herbs.
Life can be light and playful...
Unfortunately, I don't let enough play seep into my life...
The gift of a day like today for you, is that everything happened at once. You are now good for months. Wondering how your son is going to pay for this latest accident...life is interesting some days!
I had an interesting chain of events that has opened life to possibilities. The editor of a favorite magazine invited reminiscences. I emailed a note. He responded. It was very friendly. A few weeks later I got an email from someone else in another department asking for my hometown because they wanted to publish my note...which I did not write with that in mind. I was surprised.
But the other night, when I couldn't sleep, I wondered if they needed writers. I sent a quick email to the editor, and asked. He responded immediately and asked me to make some pitches to a specific editor, but copy him in all my correspondence.
My brain is buzzing and bursting and bustling with excitement, with potential!
I haven't been sharing my bus stories. I shared a seat and some deep conversation with a young man, who told me that for the sake of clarity, he wanted me to know he was trans. He was born intersex, and had to make a decision. He liked stones and herbs, and shamanistic type stories and experiences. He had been through a lot of abuse with his family of origin, leading to even more chaos in his life.
He said he felt like he needed to write his story. And we talked about stones. He gave me one to pass onto my youngest to help her sleep. He was working intuitively. Then I asked him how far he was on his book. He said two pages. He stopped because he was having a hard time remembering and retelling the stories of abuse.
And I felt like Spirit took over. I began to speak, and he was looking into my eyes. He was listening with his Spirit. I was a sacred moment. I told him he had to write the story. He had to write the story sooner than he thought. There were young people like him who needed to hear him. They need him. I told him that his fear of the abuse was simply a wall of fear. He just had to step through it, and he would be fine and whole on the other side. He is no longer that young person who was abused. He repeated that line. Then I told him I wanted an autographed copy of the book as soon as it was published.
He promised.
And we are Facebook friends.
How has the rest of your day been?
Sending many hugs, much love,
Clare
You are not crazy. You are zen. You are in the moment, and dealing with each surprise the universe lobs at you. And you are most likely doing it all with grace.
Physical play...I still roll down the hill out front. I still like to sled with the grandkids. I really like going to the creek and looking for crayfish or building dams. I like being outside.
I like walking in the trees. I like singing loud outside. I love hanging laundry...
Little joys...the ways we let sunshine into our souls!
I like harvesting and cooking and wildcrafting herbs.
Life can be light and playful...
Unfortunately, I don't let enough play seep into my life...
The gift of a day like today for you, is that everything happened at once. You are now good for months. Wondering how your son is going to pay for this latest accident...life is interesting some days!
I had an interesting chain of events that has opened life to possibilities. The editor of a favorite magazine invited reminiscences. I emailed a note. He responded. It was very friendly. A few weeks later I got an email from someone else in another department asking for my hometown because they wanted to publish my note...which I did not write with that in mind. I was surprised.
But the other night, when I couldn't sleep, I wondered if they needed writers. I sent a quick email to the editor, and asked. He responded immediately and asked me to make some pitches to a specific editor, but copy him in all my correspondence.
My brain is buzzing and bursting and bustling with excitement, with potential!
I haven't been sharing my bus stories. I shared a seat and some deep conversation with a young man, who told me that for the sake of clarity, he wanted me to know he was trans. He was born intersex, and had to make a decision. He liked stones and herbs, and shamanistic type stories and experiences. He had been through a lot of abuse with his family of origin, leading to even more chaos in his life.
He said he felt like he needed to write his story. And we talked about stones. He gave me one to pass onto my youngest to help her sleep. He was working intuitively. Then I asked him how far he was on his book. He said two pages. He stopped because he was having a hard time remembering and retelling the stories of abuse.
And I felt like Spirit took over. I began to speak, and he was looking into my eyes. He was listening with his Spirit. I was a sacred moment. I told him he had to write the story. He had to write the story sooner than he thought. There were young people like him who needed to hear him. They need him. I told him that his fear of the abuse was simply a wall of fear. He just had to step through it, and he would be fine and whole on the other side. He is no longer that young person who was abused. He repeated that line. Then I told him I wanted an autographed copy of the book as soon as it was published.
He promised.
And we are Facebook friends.
How has the rest of your day been?
Sending many hugs, much love,
Clare
insanely calm
Clare,
We all need to play more…
but my idea of fun is very different now than when I was a kid. I still enjoy physical play, but prefer mental play.
I had the strangest day…
I have the day off and expected the cable guy to come by and make some changes to our cable system. Then a crew appeared to put up gutters and downspouts. Then I had to call a plumber because my water pump was making a strange banging noise. Then a friend showed up to talk about our healing trauma project. And then another friend came by crying, needing to unload some major shit. In the midst of juggling all of that I got a call from a car dealership asking how I wanted to handle the damages to one of their loaner cars caused by my youngest rear ending it this morning on the way to school…I hadn't heard of that accident until just then. And finally, after the plumber left I saw puddles expanding on my basement floor around my heat pump (not water pump)…so they are sending someone else out this afternoon. I still have a 5 pm meeting and 6 pm senior pictures for my youngest.
Breathe.
Trust it will all be all right.
For some insane reason I am amazingly calm about all of this.
Perhaps I am insane.
Perhaps I am so insane that I have lost touch with stress and reality.
Perhaps I should never reclaim those.
I've got to run to pick up my young man from school. I will try to get back to this tonight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
We all need to play more…
but my idea of fun is very different now than when I was a kid. I still enjoy physical play, but prefer mental play.
I had the strangest day…
I have the day off and expected the cable guy to come by and make some changes to our cable system. Then a crew appeared to put up gutters and downspouts. Then I had to call a plumber because my water pump was making a strange banging noise. Then a friend showed up to talk about our healing trauma project. And then another friend came by crying, needing to unload some major shit. In the midst of juggling all of that I got a call from a car dealership asking how I wanted to handle the damages to one of their loaner cars caused by my youngest rear ending it this morning on the way to school…I hadn't heard of that accident until just then. And finally, after the plumber left I saw puddles expanding on my basement floor around my heat pump (not water pump)…so they are sending someone else out this afternoon. I still have a 5 pm meeting and 6 pm senior pictures for my youngest.
Breathe.
Trust it will all be all right.
For some insane reason I am amazingly calm about all of this.
Perhaps I am insane.
Perhaps I am so insane that I have lost touch with stress and reality.
Perhaps I should never reclaim those.
I've got to run to pick up my young man from school. I will try to get back to this tonight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
You'll see...you get what you need
Hi Maggie,
I am glad you two made a connection. It's like velcro, I think, one little hook at a time. I think you both want it to be connected.. Perhaps, this will teach him not to give up every time there is a conflict.
My neighbor called while I was writing last night, and distracted me. The ending was going to be a suggestion for you to look at ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics - and maybe attend a few meetings. Seeing our patterns in other families is freeing and eye opening.
This weekend S#3 and I and her brood and some of mine, my three youngest kids and a few extras, all met at my friend's cottage. We had a picnic on the dock out on the lake. My friend was running and jumping off the dock with the kids. S#3 and I were watching kids and...well, mostly watching the kids. S#3 said later she wondered when she lost her sense of fun. When she stopped jumping. She said she goes in the pool at home, but she sedately climbs down the stairs to get in.
I was wondering when we became old. When we started watching rather than playing. It is partly years of being responsible.
As my friend was getting ready for a leap, she looked at me and said, "I'm just a big kid." She is lucky!
And so, S#3 and I have made a commitment to my friend. S#3 is coming to visit again in two weeks, sans kids. We are going to jump off the dock.
In two weeks, I am going to do another wine dinner. I am making a meal, and guests will go wine tasting, and bring wines for each course. If you would like to come, I would love to have you here. I know your schedule does not usually permit...
I think this is fun. And it is a way I play. I love getting lost in designing menus.
But I need more exuberant, less cerebral play.
Your second paragraph described vulnerability so well. There is so much pain, yet so much joy, in being open...
Maybe, start playing Mick, softly in the background at home...You don't always get what you want...then, subliminally, NO will lose its power...just maybe!!
Love and hugs from Clare
I am glad you two made a connection. It's like velcro, I think, one little hook at a time. I think you both want it to be connected.. Perhaps, this will teach him not to give up every time there is a conflict.
My neighbor called while I was writing last night, and distracted me. The ending was going to be a suggestion for you to look at ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics - and maybe attend a few meetings. Seeing our patterns in other families is freeing and eye opening.
This weekend S#3 and I and her brood and some of mine, my three youngest kids and a few extras, all met at my friend's cottage. We had a picnic on the dock out on the lake. My friend was running and jumping off the dock with the kids. S#3 and I were watching kids and...well, mostly watching the kids. S#3 said later she wondered when she lost her sense of fun. When she stopped jumping. She said she goes in the pool at home, but she sedately climbs down the stairs to get in.
I was wondering when we became old. When we started watching rather than playing. It is partly years of being responsible.
As my friend was getting ready for a leap, she looked at me and said, "I'm just a big kid." She is lucky!
And so, S#3 and I have made a commitment to my friend. S#3 is coming to visit again in two weeks, sans kids. We are going to jump off the dock.
In two weeks, I am going to do another wine dinner. I am making a meal, and guests will go wine tasting, and bring wines for each course. If you would like to come, I would love to have you here. I know your schedule does not usually permit...
I think this is fun. And it is a way I play. I love getting lost in designing menus.
But I need more exuberant, less cerebral play.
Your second paragraph described vulnerability so well. There is so much pain, yet so much joy, in being open...
Maybe, start playing Mick, softly in the background at home...You don't always get what you want...then, subliminally, NO will lose its power...just maybe!!
Love and hugs from Clare
one step forward…waiting for the next foot to drop
Clare,
Thanks for the feedback…
I have to say that I am wanting to make this work…
and to fail at the same time.
It is so much harder than I ever thought it would be…
rejection sucks…
connection is a struggle…
opening up is excruciating…
on both ends.
The young man has a 300 word essay to write tonight…
a This I believe essay.
I let him hear Muhammed Ali This I Believe essay recording…
basically believing in himself above all else.
My young man keeps offering ideas…
none of them are his…
polytheism, believing in relationship- not stuff, vegetarianism, etc…
(he had to ask the definition of polytheism- but wants to write an essay on why this is a core belief of his)
I gently pointed out his habit of parroting back what others have said to him…
showing a distrust in himself…
and then he added, "I don't even know myself. How can I believe in things?"
Major insight…
good connection.
One step forward.
Now I wait to see the 3 steps back- push away that comes with even brief connection.
This is so much harder than I ever imagined.
I told him that I need this to be different…
we both agreed we need this to be different.
We need to listen…we agreed on that.
I need flexibility…he agreed with that…so does he.
We both need to be seen and heard.
As far as shared values I agree that he doesn't share our values. I also feel that we have the ability to show him good nutrition, money management, study habits, budgeting of time and resources…
that's what the constant fighting is about.
He doesn't want to be controlled.
We need cooperation.
I honestly think its more about control than the specific topic of contention/discussion.
We need to listen to each other…
stop reacting.
My youngest is calmer…
but still demanding…
especially when I don't say yes.
The word no seems to be the universal trigger for all of us.
When will we grow up and see no isn't the worst thing in life?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thanks for the feedback…
I have to say that I am wanting to make this work…
and to fail at the same time.
It is so much harder than I ever thought it would be…
rejection sucks…
connection is a struggle…
opening up is excruciating…
on both ends.
The young man has a 300 word essay to write tonight…
a This I believe essay.
I let him hear Muhammed Ali This I Believe essay recording…
basically believing in himself above all else.
My young man keeps offering ideas…
none of them are his…
polytheism, believing in relationship- not stuff, vegetarianism, etc…
(he had to ask the definition of polytheism- but wants to write an essay on why this is a core belief of his)
I gently pointed out his habit of parroting back what others have said to him…
showing a distrust in himself…
and then he added, "I don't even know myself. How can I believe in things?"
Major insight…
good connection.
One step forward.
Now I wait to see the 3 steps back- push away that comes with even brief connection.
This is so much harder than I ever imagined.
I told him that I need this to be different…
we both agreed we need this to be different.
We need to listen…we agreed on that.
I need flexibility…he agreed with that…so does he.
We both need to be seen and heard.
As far as shared values I agree that he doesn't share our values. I also feel that we have the ability to show him good nutrition, money management, study habits, budgeting of time and resources…
that's what the constant fighting is about.
He doesn't want to be controlled.
We need cooperation.
I honestly think its more about control than the specific topic of contention/discussion.
We need to listen to each other…
stop reacting.
My youngest is calmer…
but still demanding…
especially when I don't say yes.
The word no seems to be the universal trigger for all of us.
When will we grow up and see no isn't the worst thing in life?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, September 5, 2016
hard remembrances/hard questions
Hi Maggie,
S#3 and her daughter and grandchildren were here for the weekend. They just got on he road this evening...so I am back!
Last Thursday night I had a dream that S#3 was chasing me with a gun. She was mad because I had not told her son about his football scholarship. I was running from her thinking - she can't run fast. But then, she could. I jumped at one point and landed on top of a car, maybe,with Jan Fonda, and lots of sparkling confetti.
What was I working out there?
I told both nephew and sister about the dream. They laughed. S and I were supposed to go somewhere this weekend, but it didn't work out. She noted that I really wanted to go, but she was mediocre. I thought maybe the dream was her reaction to me pushing her around and making her do things she doesn't want to do. But she said that isn't true.
I am glad you are asking yourself the hard questions. You and your foster son have potential to be magnificent teachers for each other.
I saw the photos of you and your family on vacation. You are all glowing and beautiful. You look perfect. But then I think about the stories of drama and fighting throughout your time there...
And I go back to lessons from my mother-in-law. Kids raised in alcoholic chaos often try to control every situation. It has to look good, and damn the truth. My m-i-l's house had to be perfect. Her kids had to present the perfect image. She could not handle anything but.
She had a story of what was happening and that was the only possible truth.
There was friction between us, because her poor son got stuck with this crazy hippy girl who would not even wear her shoes. They always seemed to have the idea that I married into their family because I wanted to be like them. That was the basis of the classist rejection I lived with. What they never understood, though, was that it was never true. I never looked at them and wished that I was like them.
Don't make the mistake of assuming your foster son wants your lifestyle. What he wants may be the compassion and acceptance, the safe place, you offered while you were his counselor.
I always go back to your opinion when he was playing Pokemon Go. You felt that he was not engaged enough, therefore you were going to take it from him. It seemed like he had to join you. There was no meeting in the middle. Why not go for a walk with him while he was playing the silly game? I agreed with your assessment of the game, but that does not make us right.
I am also afraid you are putting too much on him to make decisions. Is that to let you off the hook if he chooses not to stay? Because it will still be a mutual rejection. You are both going to hurt.
What did you like about him to begin with? Go there...
I admire your willingness to examine yourself, to look at the hard things. It is painful, but you are willing to walk through the pain. Be strong, sister...
Love and hugs from Clare
S#3 and her daughter and grandchildren were here for the weekend. They just got on he road this evening...so I am back!
Last Thursday night I had a dream that S#3 was chasing me with a gun. She was mad because I had not told her son about his football scholarship. I was running from her thinking - she can't run fast. But then, she could. I jumped at one point and landed on top of a car, maybe,with Jan Fonda, and lots of sparkling confetti.
What was I working out there?
I told both nephew and sister about the dream. They laughed. S and I were supposed to go somewhere this weekend, but it didn't work out. She noted that I really wanted to go, but she was mediocre. I thought maybe the dream was her reaction to me pushing her around and making her do things she doesn't want to do. But she said that isn't true.
I am glad you are asking yourself the hard questions. You and your foster son have potential to be magnificent teachers for each other.
I saw the photos of you and your family on vacation. You are all glowing and beautiful. You look perfect. But then I think about the stories of drama and fighting throughout your time there...
And I go back to lessons from my mother-in-law. Kids raised in alcoholic chaos often try to control every situation. It has to look good, and damn the truth. My m-i-l's house had to be perfect. Her kids had to present the perfect image. She could not handle anything but.
She had a story of what was happening and that was the only possible truth.
There was friction between us, because her poor son got stuck with this crazy hippy girl who would not even wear her shoes. They always seemed to have the idea that I married into their family because I wanted to be like them. That was the basis of the classist rejection I lived with. What they never understood, though, was that it was never true. I never looked at them and wished that I was like them.
Don't make the mistake of assuming your foster son wants your lifestyle. What he wants may be the compassion and acceptance, the safe place, you offered while you were his counselor.
I always go back to your opinion when he was playing Pokemon Go. You felt that he was not engaged enough, therefore you were going to take it from him. It seemed like he had to join you. There was no meeting in the middle. Why not go for a walk with him while he was playing the silly game? I agreed with your assessment of the game, but that does not make us right.
I am also afraid you are putting too much on him to make decisions. Is that to let you off the hook if he chooses not to stay? Because it will still be a mutual rejection. You are both going to hurt.
What did you like about him to begin with? Go there...
I admire your willingness to examine yourself, to look at the hard things. It is painful, but you are willing to walk through the pain. Be strong, sister...
Love and hugs from Clare
overwhelmed…for now
Clare,
I was driving today…
listening to NPR…
a segment on schizophrenia came on.
The research shows schizophrenics do better if they are placed in homes with strangers.
The studies concluded that families are too invested in the outcome for the schizophrenic. It identified 3 emotions that are correlated with relapse…
hostility…
criticism…
and being emotionally invested in the outcomes.
I started to feel myself being pulled into the conversation.
I am, or have felt, all of these with the young man.
I took him in as a project…
a life to save…
or fix…
to offer opportunities he would never have without us.
And when he rejected that approach I became critical and controlling…
and now that he is rejecting that and refusing to conform I am being quietly hostile…
"I need my space"…
refusing to engage in anything but superficial interactions.
I spoke with S#5…
what does it look like to be uninvested in the outcomes?
Am I capable of just letting things happen?
I understand that hostility and criticism are not good, but what else can work?
I am really soul searching here…
I understand I am contributing to this conflict…
but I don't know how to backtrack to get it back on track.
(that's a great lyric for a song- backtrack to get it back on track)
What does that look like?
At this point I think I need to allow him to decide if he wants to stay and be a part of us.
Then I can re-negotiate the particulars.
If I offer a re-negotiation at this point it is confusing. He was asked to contemplate his desire to be here and do the work of connection. If he chooses to stay, then we can discuss what the solid rules are and what we can work with.
I don't know where I am or what I am doing anymore.
I am lost…
looking into dirty ponds…
life supporting, messy ponds.
Waiting for answers…
water bugs and dragonflies wisdom.
Life is ironic.
Life is a tough teacher.
Life is a task master.
Life makes demands upon us that we have to rise to meet…
or fall under the weight of.
I do love life.
I love the challenge.
But sometimes I am overwhelmed.
I hope that all is well with you and your world.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I was driving today…
listening to NPR…
a segment on schizophrenia came on.
The research shows schizophrenics do better if they are placed in homes with strangers.
The studies concluded that families are too invested in the outcome for the schizophrenic. It identified 3 emotions that are correlated with relapse…
hostility…
criticism…
and being emotionally invested in the outcomes.
I started to feel myself being pulled into the conversation.
I am, or have felt, all of these with the young man.
I took him in as a project…
a life to save…
or fix…
to offer opportunities he would never have without us.
And when he rejected that approach I became critical and controlling…
and now that he is rejecting that and refusing to conform I am being quietly hostile…
"I need my space"…
refusing to engage in anything but superficial interactions.
I spoke with S#5…
what does it look like to be uninvested in the outcomes?
Am I capable of just letting things happen?
I understand that hostility and criticism are not good, but what else can work?
I am really soul searching here…
I understand I am contributing to this conflict…
but I don't know how to backtrack to get it back on track.
(that's a great lyric for a song- backtrack to get it back on track)
What does that look like?
At this point I think I need to allow him to decide if he wants to stay and be a part of us.
Then I can re-negotiate the particulars.
If I offer a re-negotiation at this point it is confusing. He was asked to contemplate his desire to be here and do the work of connection. If he chooses to stay, then we can discuss what the solid rules are and what we can work with.
I don't know where I am or what I am doing anymore.
I am lost…
looking into dirty ponds…
life supporting, messy ponds.
Waiting for answers…
water bugs and dragonflies wisdom.
Life is ironic.
Life is a tough teacher.
Life is a task master.
Life makes demands upon us that we have to rise to meet…
or fall under the weight of.
I do love life.
I love the challenge.
But sometimes I am overwhelmed.
I hope that all is well with you and your world.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, September 4, 2016
metaphor for change
Clare,
I appreciate your words…
We are scheduled for family therapy on the 15th.
She wants to see husband and I first and then add the young man.
We just finished a pretty intense, emotional discuss with him.
I confronted him on a lie he told me and it precipitated a discussion. He told me he thought he should leave because this was too hard on me. I told him that he is running away, but projecting the blame/reason onto me. Husband joined us and we talked about our home, the rules, the benefits, the responsibilities, the perks. We talked about our values…
I asked him to think long and hard about whether he wants to leave or stay.
Staying means living within the structure of this family.
Leaving means going back to a group home.
HE is at an important decision cross point…
I also pointed out that his breaking of rules flagrantly- so that we see/catch him-
When he pressed he says it means, "I don't care"…
I replied that is the problem…
there is a place in you that wants to care and you are afraid of that.
Find that place and sit with it…
then decide.
I think I'm going crazy…
Life isn't supposed to be this difficult…
love isn't supposed to be this difficult…
helping others is supposed to be right and good…
and yet I feel as if I'm a prison guard.
I was the subject for a shamanic healing yesterday…
friends were taking a class…
the one woman told me I needed more flexibility…
the other told me I needed to look into the water to find the answers…
So I, once again, went to the pond by my horses' barn…
I looked out across the water and saw ripples, I watched a bug glide across the surface in spirals and then take off.
I looked deep into the water and saw murkier and murkier water, but bubbles and small bugs/minnows rose to the top.
I also watched a reed drift across the surface in the breeze, with a dragon fly sitting atop. The dragon fly would take off and fly and land right back onto the same reed. I wondered if it realized that, even though it was on the same reed, it was moving across the pond rapidly without any effort on its own part.
What does all of that mean?
I've read dragonflies and water bugs before…
a metaphor for change- usually death.
What do you think?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I appreciate your words…
We are scheduled for family therapy on the 15th.
She wants to see husband and I first and then add the young man.
We just finished a pretty intense, emotional discuss with him.
I confronted him on a lie he told me and it precipitated a discussion. He told me he thought he should leave because this was too hard on me. I told him that he is running away, but projecting the blame/reason onto me. Husband joined us and we talked about our home, the rules, the benefits, the responsibilities, the perks. We talked about our values…
I asked him to think long and hard about whether he wants to leave or stay.
Staying means living within the structure of this family.
Leaving means going back to a group home.
HE is at an important decision cross point…
I also pointed out that his breaking of rules flagrantly- so that we see/catch him-
When he pressed he says it means, "I don't care"…
I replied that is the problem…
there is a place in you that wants to care and you are afraid of that.
Find that place and sit with it…
then decide.
I think I'm going crazy…
Life isn't supposed to be this difficult…
love isn't supposed to be this difficult…
helping others is supposed to be right and good…
and yet I feel as if I'm a prison guard.
I was the subject for a shamanic healing yesterday…
friends were taking a class…
the one woman told me I needed more flexibility…
the other told me I needed to look into the water to find the answers…
So I, once again, went to the pond by my horses' barn…
I looked out across the water and saw ripples, I watched a bug glide across the surface in spirals and then take off.
I looked deep into the water and saw murkier and murkier water, but bubbles and small bugs/minnows rose to the top.
I also watched a reed drift across the surface in the breeze, with a dragon fly sitting atop. The dragon fly would take off and fly and land right back onto the same reed. I wondered if it realized that, even though it was on the same reed, it was moving across the pond rapidly without any effort on its own part.
What does all of that mean?
I've read dragonflies and water bugs before…
a metaphor for change- usually death.
What do you think?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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