soloing

My sister is  traveling to S#4 to support her during her mastectomy tomorrow. All my love is with them...

Hey Mags,

Travel safe.

I have been having lots of time with the baby.  And I am tired, so I am not being the best grandma ever. Last night I tried to put her in the stroller, put the three dogs on leashes and go for a walk. The dogs played a rousing game of Let's Braid our Leashes, followed by I Can Simulate an Asthma Attack By Choking Myself on the End of This Leash!   The little dog got away and would not come when I called. When I left the stroller to chase him, the baby screamed. 

I decided to go home and put the dogs in, and walk the baby.  She decided to slither out of the stroller and refused to get back in.  She followed me home, screaming - but still refusing to get back in the stroller.

My life is a lot more romantic in my imagination than in reality.  I thought we would have a lovely, quiet stroll in the evening cool.

Instead, we had a circus.

And I was getting short-tempered.  I took the baby in the backyard and laid down in the grass.  I have learned that I can calm and center when I am in contact with the Earth. The baby picked dandelion puffballs and blew them - on me.  So, there is a bit of romance in my life, I suppose.

I was looking at the baby and trying to find my center, and I remembered...

Once I tried to choose the largest regret ever, in my whole life. (This is what happens inside my brain when I am quiet...)  I thought about missed opportunities. I thought of some I knowingly missed.  Then there were some I recognized in retrospect.  I thought about missed romances, and really settled on one of those...until...until...I realized my moment of regret, the biggest moment ever, was the first time I ever yelled uncontrollably at my children...That is the moment I would return to.  I would go to that younger self and take myself in my arms and gently tell me that it is time to ask for help, or to find another outlet for the pain. 

I was in touch with that isolated, lonely, angry, frightened, pain-filled mama-self last night as I chose not to yell at my granddaughter.  I was not as loving as possible, but I was safe. I maintained that safe place for my little one, and for me...

I hope you travel safe.  I hope you deliver the deepest love and support for our little sister. I will hold you both, as well as our brother-in-law and nieces, in the Light.

I love you,I honor you,

Clare