boulders

So I decided to experiment with the Rex Ambler meditations. Still feeling a little light-headed, but wanted to share what I remember.

It is a guided meditation, with little guidance and lots of silence.  When told to turn to the Light, I was deep in my intestines, maybe, and I turned and looked up within myself.  I didn't expect that.  The Light was murky green, sort of asparagus-colored.  It yellowed and finally cleared.  I was lighter, My real concern, when asked, appeared to be this huge scabby-booger-boulder, larger than my torso, weighting down my chest.  It was big and round and dark and oh-so heavy.  It started to lift and I had a moment of fear - wondering if I would fall out of myself without the weight keeping me in.  It got peeled off, and pus started flowing out of me.

I wondered how long I had been toxic.  It flowed and flowed, and I thought of caterpillars - supposedly liquifying their innards in order to recycle self into a creature who can fly...I flowed and became cream, then became liquid soap - all white.  Then I felt something unsnapping, pulling out of each chakra - starting with feet.  Again, I felt a bit of fear, but I allowed it to happen.

As directed to welcome whatever was happening, I became nauseous between the yellow and green chakras.  I am wondering if reconnection was being made.

I could feel that a weight was lifted from me, and I got the message that to wait shows faith.  One does not wait unless we are positive something is going to happen.

But weight-wait really stayed in my mind.

Then I was in the woods with you and B#3, when we lived at the gap.  I was not me, your older sister, I was an adult presence of some sort.  I found him being sexual with you, and calmly and lovingly said, "That's not appropriate.  You know you should do this to your little sister."  He agreed and we got up to walk away. It's like it was over - the lesson that we  needed to look at the source of the pain and acknowledge that it was wrong and then it would stop. I looked at him and asked him where he learned this.  He started crying and said, "Daddy."  I looked at Daddy and he became a child crying in pain on response to his Daddy...it set up a chain of pain.

And I felt the pain of Daddy, and then I saw that my boulder was ash. It was crumbling and blowing away.

After, I was thinking about these images, and thinking about my core sin.  I was thinking about waiting, which really does seem like a lack of faith, even though I was just assured otherwise.  And I wondered if my core sin is arrogance.  The martyrest of the martyrs, always last...is that me?

I'm tired. 

I hope you are having a good day, with at least a few joyful moments that take your breath away!

Love and hugs from Clare