object

Hi Maggie,

It's so nice to have you back.  I know who I am talking to!  And it's good to hear you were fed by your time with S#4.

When we went to her birthday party, I had the impression that her two youngest daughters might be the healthiest and most well-adjusted of all the cousins.  I thought about it for a while.  I appreciated  their big family, and thought that was probably a big part of it. And I thought about a friend from high school. Her family owned the bakery in the next village.  They lived in a house with her grandmother. When the parents saved enough money to build a house, it was about half a mile away.  She always lived in the same place.  She always had her grandmother and other relatives.  She always went to the same schools.  I tried to comprehend that, to try on that lifestyle. I was envious, but the  rootedness was beyond me.

Even now, that friend is close to her sisters and her kids. That rootedness continues. She knows how to do it.

We don't.  We know how to be the new kid every year.  We know how to be self-sufficient and closed and to writhe inside when we have to ask for any kind of help. We were raised to be "on our own".  And so we don't have community. We don't know how to do community.

I was concerned for S#4 when she married the second time. I only see them at parties, and at parties her husband lets loose - quite a bit.  I guess I thought this is who he was.  Even if he is, their family has the backup of that wonderful extended Italian family.

How do we learn from them?

This is why I appreciate S#3 coming with her grandchildren.  Hers are now friends with mine. They all have cousins.  They know their cousins.  That sense of belonging to a people is so important.

Maybe that's why I like family history so much. I'm learning who I belong to. Of course, I'm going for the dead folk, so I don't have to interact.  I can stay separate and write about it all!!

Your questions about the rape kits tie closely to a conversation I had recently.  A young woman who had been abused and is now safely away from that relationship, and not in danger of repeating it with another man, is trying to understand, forgive and release.  But she can't get past why.  Why would a man treat her like that?

I speculated aloud that perhaps he saw her as an object, a possession, something he owned and controlled.  The damage from his childhood removed him from empathy.  When he hurt her, he was just banging on the side of the television to make it work. 

I think we are seeing the end of patriarchy - I pray we are living through the death throes of patriarchy - that establishment of male entitlement.  We are not interested in looking at rape, because men are allowed to rape. Women are objects to be used, controlled, discarded. 

Kind of like the Duggar story. All focus is on the oldest brother, and his life and the effects on him. Why are we not interested in the young girls who psyche he has destroyed? Why do we not care that he taught these young women they do not have a home, they are not safe, that their bodies are not theirs, any male has access to them and there is nothing they can do? No one will listen.  No one will care.  The whole story is about poor Josh and the mistake he made.

Josh's mistake was not raping his sisters and other young women. Josh's mistake was being found out.

The story should be about Josh being damaged...by whom? We should know - if we're going public with this story.  Who taught Josh that power gets access to others' bodies? Josh did not mistakenly molest anyone. He was simply acting on his authority as one who has a penis and is therefore entitled.

I read this article, I added the link just below, this week. It has inspired a lot of thoughts.  I look forward to hearing your insights.

http://qideas.org/articles/modesty-i-dont-think-it-means-what-you-think-it-means/

Well, it's gardening day.  We can finally trust (pretty much) that there will be no more frosts and so the tomatoes and cucumbers and basil and squash can go into the garden.  I thought I had the day to myself, but I will have my toddling companion this afternoon.  Luckily, she likes the garden!

Love and hugs,

Glad you're back...

Clare