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Hi Maggie,

I'm back...exhausted, but home.

As far as the allergy thing - I have read that when we have babies too close together, our bodies are not fully recovered, and the subsequent children have higher and higher probability of developing allergies.  Of course, a woman having 9 children in 10 years says something about the family culture.  But I have also read that having pets and regularly getting good and dirty helps us develop healthy immune systems and we can avoid allergies.

It is a big subject...

I like the connection of integrate and integrity.  Another point to ponder!

Thinking about your flashes on S#5...Do you think we spend all of our lives trying to get Mommy and Daddy to love us?  Or do we get to a point where there's too much going on and we give up?  Do we just take care of people because we like to?

I'm not sure.  I know there is still a small girl inside that doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't love her/me/us.  Mothering myself works, to an extent, but I don't know if I will ever be whole.

I have been playing with my scapegoat, trying to understand.  Having nephew here helps, because he may not know it, but he has a strong scapegoat aspect also. Watching him. talking to him - I really understand myself better.

He's a good teacher...probably why he is with me.  We are working something out together.  Luckily, he's easy to have around...

But I had my scapegoat with me at Gathering.  We organized a lunch time program where tables were labeled with committee names or other issues.  There were queries and facilitators at each.  I was our appointed facilitator, but since I had the baby on my lap, a Friend of mine did it.  We were at the Religious Ed table.

I have been on RE for about 24 years all together...sigh...right now my meeting committee has fallen apart, and so I asked Meeting to take it on as a Meeting committee, with me as the point person.

At Gathering, we talked about a lot of ideas, including soft space - like a futon mattress - with quiet toys in the meeting room so that young babies and toddlers can stay in the silence during meeting.  Some meetings have a small table with chairs so that younger kids can work on art during the silence. It seems important to maintain community, rather than separate and isolate young families - especially since First Day School often descends into traded child care.

There was more that inspired me...but this part inspired my scapegoat.

In the silence of worship, it came to me that we need to be soft and welcoming as a meeting, but I also need to be soft and welcoming as a human being.

In my job, we have a quarterly evaluation which involves a manager listening to us work.  I hate it.  Usually I am very present while I work.  I really enjoy being engaged with the people I work with.  But when a manager listens to me, it's as if my brain splits into three parts, each aware of being judged, each out-thinking and criticizing every word.

I feel like that when people visit me - either in  my home, or socially - when people try to get to know me.  I split and being to watch myself, looking for each transgression.  I think this has been my scapegoat's job. I think she must be so tired...so, so tired of all the eyes peering into the dark - peering in from somewhere different and criticizing.  She saves me by criticizing me more harshly than anyone could ever do.  She protects me from feeling the pain of:  No, You're not good enough, We don't love you...She does it first.

It just struck me that I wage preemptive war on myself...

Time for bed...I think I will sleep well tonight - I am tired!

Love and hugs from Clare