you're back!

Hi Maggie,

It was nice to see you here today!! I was missing this!

I have been reading a lot of the stories on the yahoo news page. I think if one shows interest in a subject, yahoo provides additional similar stories.  Today I read a letter from a gay dad to the Duggar mom. Apparently the Duggars have been campaigning against gay rights, branding anyone who is not like them as molesters and pedophiles.  The letter writer made a great point.  He said the Duggars are not hypocrites.  A hypocrite criticizes others for doing something the accuser is also doing.  Instead, the Duggars were accusing innocent people of  doing what the Duggars were doing.

It reminded me of how anti-gay Dad always was.  It was like he was terrified of gay men. Which of course takes me back to the questions begging to be answered.  Who taught them?  Who taught them to fear?  Who taught these men to molest?  I know rapists have been raped.  I just know it.  On some level, by some authority figure, they have been raped.

Why is no one looking at that???

I like your attitude about sexuality.  I remember trying to talk to one of mine  about sexuality, and about experimenting and exploring and not just doing the All-American get in there and come. I was trying to explain the levels of sexuality and why they are all important.  My grateful child put fingers in ears and sang,  "I don't want to hear this from my mother."  over and over.

In Europe no one freaks out about teenagers exploring sexuality.  And no one freaks out about sex education. Only here in Puritan America must we control and condemn.

I have been so busy with work and with the baby and with some Quaker things, I haven't had time to explore the Ambler Light meditations for awhile.

I need time...and right now I really need to sleep.

More tomorrow,

Love and hugs from Clare

community

Clare,
Sorry for my absences. Our new neighbors has cable strung this past week and internet has not been reliable. We'll have to get it looked at.

Where are you hearing/reading these stories? I only listen to news on NPR and haven't heard anything about other stories.

It does make me angry that young women are the ones promising chastity, and not the young men. My son used the word "slut" last week. I asked him why he called her that. Of course the answer was about her promiscuity. I asked him why is it OK for boys to score and yet the same action makes a girl a slut? Isn't it a woman's choice if she wants to explore her sexuality at age 16- if it's her choice it doesn't make her a slut. If she's being forces or coerced then the man is a rapist…not her failure to stop him.
My son stood there with his mouth wide open…
I think I took him by surprise.
I hope he heard me. I don't get upset if I find out my kids are having sex- as long as they use protection. I just talk to them about being in control and never forcing.
Yes means yes…
rather than no means no…
just because I person doesn't say no doesn't mean they are consenting…
Yes, clearly and consistently is necessary.

I shared some of Rex Ambler at Meeting this morning. I had a strong leading about continuing the theme of community, as it's been for the past 3 weeks. I also had a strong desire to understand a quote from last week about "community with little in common"…
what we have in common is that of God within.
So I shared some of Ambler's writings of George Fox and then sang a few quotes about being in community.

Our life is love.
Our Life is peace.
Our life is tenderness.
And bearing with each other,
And forgiving one another,
And not laying accusations one against the other.
But holding each other up with a tender hand. -Isaac Pennington

Mind that which is eternal.
Which gathers your hearts together up to the Lord.
And lets you see that ye are written in one another's hearts. - George Fox

The singing was powerful for me. I haven't sung publicly in a long while. Just singing through them gave me joy each day. I think there's a message in this for me.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

more stories

Hi Maggie,

I hope all is well with you.  I miss you...

More stories are coming out of families like ours.  Families of incest where the males are protected, females are not believed.  There are a lot more stories of same generation abuse.  It seems there is a growing awareness that this is happening - a lot - and it is not okay.

Now we need to learn and accept that it is not a mistake.  Systematic attack, especially of more than one victim like in our family, shows a pattern of crime.

And more and more people are calling for the voice of the victims.  They want to hear from the girls, support the girls.  I hope we take the next step and wonder why our boys are rapists.  It is an important question in  all of this.

I did see one more thing that turned my stomach.  I read an article about purity balls.  Young adolescent girls, 12 years-old-ish, dress up in long formal gowns and go to a ball with their fathers.  The accompanying photo was of a dad kissing his preteen daughter on the mouth.  It really triggered me.  Is this inappropriate?  It really seems so to me.

But with the way we were raised, I really can't tell what is normal, what is appropriate.

Part of the ball is a ceremony where the fathers vow to protect their daughter's virginity, then give them a purity ring. The daughter promises no sexual activity of any kind, no interaction with boys until marriage.  She goes from being the property of the father to being the property of her husband.

Oh well, Dad certainly never promised to proect me!!!

Just watching these stories unfold, wondering if anyone in our family is feeling uncomfortable.  Or if memory loss is protecting them...

Love and hugs,

Clare

heartbroken

typing with babe in arms - take 2

plan - no capital letters! that might make this easier.

i feel like a volcano with a newly opening vent...emotions swirling, getting in my face, evaporating...

i have been watching grace and frankie, a show about two couples - the men are long time law partners who fall in love and leave their wives for each other.  the characters are all in their 70s, coping with massive change, massive loss.

i seem to associate with frankie, played by lily tomlin.  i have been in tears several times.  she is an old hippy.  so there's that.  but she is brave.  she is not afraid to be vulnerable. she is heartbroken, and not afraid to feel it.

i think i am heartbroken.  i think dad broke my heart when i was very young, and i have never healed.  i think i am still a little heartbroken because my marriage ended.  but i think i break my own heart regularly by not passionately loving myself, not supporting myself, not believing in myself.

it leaves me in my own sad, little world...

and i'm still exhausted.

i hope all is well with you...love and hugs,

clare

venting continues

It is an epidemic.  If you start looking at statistics - baby girls aborted, baby girls abandoned, exposed, left to die.  Baby girls not fed in favor of male children.  Girls not educated. Girls not valued. Instead - shamed, humiliated, raped, violated.

Women without health care.  Six weeks of maternity leave with no pay. It is cruel.

What we value we support.  We do not value the female.

It ties directly into the way we continue to rape the planet.  This planet is female.  The low esteem we have for female is reflected in the ongoing rape of the planet...this gloriously beautiful, abundant, generous, luscious planet...

And we abuse ourselves.  I watched a video where a woman asked other women to describe their bodies in on e word.  The most common word was "Disgusting."

I feel it.  I know it. I am disgusting.  I have allowed myself to be possessed by the crazy of this culture...a culture that  loathes female.

I understand that I am not as valuable as a man. I accept it.  Deep inside, I accept it, even though logically, and as the mother of daughters, I do not.

I read the piece you sent me. I saw myself there. I never told - because why bother?  I knew being raped was my fault, and it was my responsibility to make sure it never happened again. I became invisible...

I knew it was my fault.  How dare I have boobs???

The venting continues.  As I write, I have a girl-child asleep on my knees.  She wouldn't relax and go to sleep without being held. And so I have her in contact with me...I wish I had been this patient with my own babies...

I thought about your comments about alcoholism and which generations are active.  I suppose I should keep my comments to myself when I don't know the situation.  But I do feel like S#4's youngest two are more...maybe secure...than the rest of the kids. I still think it could be because of that extended family.

Maybe the alcoholism in our family was made so much more hurtful because we had no extended family to step in and remind us that we were okay, and let us know that maybe our family lifestyle was not...

Exhaustion has slammed into me...

Love and hugs until tomorrow,

Clare

Venting

Clare,

I hope we are seeing the end of patriarchy…
I hope this wave of violence is birthing something new…
more balanced…
healthier.
A true equality…
being valued for our unique characteristics…
being able to show our weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

I have read very little about the Duggars…
because it makes me incredibly sad to think of those young women.
I agree that the focus should be shifted to helping the girls…
but also shine the Light onto why this was able to happen…
and happens over and over again…
it's an epidemic.
1 in 3 females are molested before the age of 18 and the vast majority are by family members or close friends…
That's a Fucking epidemic!
And yet we sit around and pretend it doesn't matter…
or that it was a freak of nature.
Why aren't we having the conversations necessary?
Why can the boys/men and family members conveniently forget…
or rewrite history into a kinder, gentler version…
like playing doctor- as if everyone consents to the game.

I'm not going to keep venting…

I do wonder if the recent stories have triggered anything in our family? Will they ever speak up? Will they ever find the courage to remember and speak up?
It's a calling…
an opportunity for amazing spiritual growth…
but would rock their worlds.

Check this out…it's beautifully written but difficult to read…
http://listsandletters.com/blog/2014/11/7/speaking-out-about-silence

One thought I had about S#4 family. It occurs to me that in my house the adults are sober and the kids are playing with substances…
but in S#4 family it's the opposite.
I'm not saying they are alcoholics, but the first evening home 3 friends stopped by and drank beers with S#4 nodding off. The daughters remained close, helping out frequently. I wonder if this is the parentification that happens to Adult Children of Alcoholics…I wonder if that's what I was observing.

I am creating a powerpoint training on the new child abuse laws in my state, for social workers. I have spent the past two weeks trying to sift through technical legal writings to get to the heart of the matter. I've already created a similar presentation for my Meeting- I told you about that previously. I am struggling with the tone and delivery to avoid such a negative reaction this time around. I do believe it will be received differently by social workers though…they've been required to have background checks and report suspected abuse for years. Any suggestions?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Memorial Day

It's Memorial Day.  I am working part of the day.  But I woke up thinking about this holiday.

I did some research and found that the original holiday was Decoration Day. One late spring day people from a town would all go to the cemetery and have a work-day.  The would clean up, plant flowers and have a picnic.  It was a celebration day...being together...remembering.

Apparently after the Civil War, some southerners decided to decorate the graves of northern soldiers.   They were hoping that someone in the north would honor the graves of the sons and brothers they lost.

Now it's just a military holiday.

It seems as if so much of our culture, so many of our remembrances are military only.

And that bothers me. It bothers me for two reasons.  First, it is unbalanced.  We are more than a military, so our celebrations and remembrances need to be more than just military. Second, we treat veterans so poorly, we don't have the right to honor them.  It is hypocritical.

If we were truly honoring this day, and Veteran's Day, we would have a social support system set up for our vets.  Our soldiers and their families would not live in poverty. We would not only care after they died, when all we have to do is put a flag on their grave once a year.

To force this poverty on them, yet trot them out twice a year so we could say we honor them - it makes me gag.

Our vets are homeless.  They are sick.  They are in need.

Yet our government says - too bad they have PTSD, but it was a pre-existing condition.  If true, recruiters should never have enlisted them.

It's only the tip of the ice-berg.

I feel lost on days like this. I honor those who served, I grieve for those who died.  I am not interested in participating in this hypocritical holiday.

We need to go back to Decoration Day...

Love and hugs from your grumpy sister...Clare

The funny thing is - I went back looking for the original articles about Decoration Day, and could not find them. All references on the internet are now military...

object

Hi Maggie,

It's so nice to have you back.  I know who I am talking to!  And it's good to hear you were fed by your time with S#4.

When we went to her birthday party, I had the impression that her two youngest daughters might be the healthiest and most well-adjusted of all the cousins.  I thought about it for a while.  I appreciated  their big family, and thought that was probably a big part of it. And I thought about a friend from high school. Her family owned the bakery in the next village.  They lived in a house with her grandmother. When the parents saved enough money to build a house, it was about half a mile away.  She always lived in the same place.  She always had her grandmother and other relatives.  She always went to the same schools.  I tried to comprehend that, to try on that lifestyle. I was envious, but the  rootedness was beyond me.

Even now, that friend is close to her sisters and her kids. That rootedness continues. She knows how to do it.

We don't.  We know how to be the new kid every year.  We know how to be self-sufficient and closed and to writhe inside when we have to ask for any kind of help. We were raised to be "on our own".  And so we don't have community. We don't know how to do community.

I was concerned for S#4 when she married the second time. I only see them at parties, and at parties her husband lets loose - quite a bit.  I guess I thought this is who he was.  Even if he is, their family has the backup of that wonderful extended Italian family.

How do we learn from them?

This is why I appreciate S#3 coming with her grandchildren.  Hers are now friends with mine. They all have cousins.  They know their cousins.  That sense of belonging to a people is so important.

Maybe that's why I like family history so much. I'm learning who I belong to. Of course, I'm going for the dead folk, so I don't have to interact.  I can stay separate and write about it all!!

Your questions about the rape kits tie closely to a conversation I had recently.  A young woman who had been abused and is now safely away from that relationship, and not in danger of repeating it with another man, is trying to understand, forgive and release.  But she can't get past why.  Why would a man treat her like that?

I speculated aloud that perhaps he saw her as an object, a possession, something he owned and controlled.  The damage from his childhood removed him from empathy.  When he hurt her, he was just banging on the side of the television to make it work. 

I think we are seeing the end of patriarchy - I pray we are living through the death throes of patriarchy - that establishment of male entitlement.  We are not interested in looking at rape, because men are allowed to rape. Women are objects to be used, controlled, discarded. 

Kind of like the Duggar story. All focus is on the oldest brother, and his life and the effects on him. Why are we not interested in the young girls who psyche he has destroyed? Why do we not care that he taught these young women they do not have a home, they are not safe, that their bodies are not theirs, any male has access to them and there is nothing they can do? No one will listen.  No one will care.  The whole story is about poor Josh and the mistake he made.

Josh's mistake was not raping his sisters and other young women. Josh's mistake was being found out.

The story should be about Josh being damaged...by whom? We should know - if we're going public with this story.  Who taught Josh that power gets access to others' bodies? Josh did not mistakenly molest anyone. He was simply acting on his authority as one who has a penis and is therefore entitled.

I read this article, I added the link just below, this week. It has inspired a lot of thoughts.  I look forward to hearing your insights.

http://qideas.org/articles/modesty-i-dont-think-it-means-what-you-think-it-means/

Well, it's gardening day.  We can finally trust (pretty much) that there will be no more frosts and so the tomatoes and cucumbers and basil and squash can go into the garden.  I thought I had the day to myself, but I will have my toddling companion this afternoon.  Luckily, she likes the garden!

Love and hugs,

Glad you're back...

Clare

attitudes-words-actions

Clare,
I am back home. In a better mind-set from being away. I enjoyed my time with S#4 and her family. She has an amazing network of support around her. SHe has her husband's big italian family caring for her as well as a whole lot of friends calling, stopping by with food and gifts. I'm glad that she has created a life for herself. I've never really gotten to know her two younger daughters before. They were so easy to talk to and laugh with. We actually had a good time while we waited at the hospital through surgery. Each is helping at home as well. It was nice to see that support.

As for the news around our country…
it is like a boil is being expressed…
and the pus is flowing.
You are right, it doesn't happen to one portion of the population…
and everyone else is perfectly correct and would never hurt women or children…
It is part of our societal norms…
the dark part, of course…
But it present through the ages.

Have you heard the reports from Ohio about the rape kits? Two reporters were doing an article on sexual assault in Cleveland and asked a simple question, "How many rape kits do you have in storage?" the answer was "We're not sure?" It turns out there were over 6000 in storage and 4000 had never been processed. The cases were dropped mainly because the women were prostitutes, drug addicts, black, hispanic…the vulnerable of society. These reporters pushed and pushed for 5 years and finally Ohio passed a law saying all kits have to be processed and compared against data banks from forensic files. They have processed about 2000 kits so far (this is only in Cleveland) and identified 225 serial rapists through DNA…they don't have names of some of them, but the DNA matches in multiple assaults.
WHY?
Why don't we take rape seriously?
Why is it something to be kept in silence and secrecy?
Why do women and children's bodies not matter in the grand scheme of things…just objects to be used?

We violate each other by our attitudes.
We violate each other by our words.
We violate each other by our actions.
BUT
We can empower and encourage with attitudes, words and actions just as easily.

I didn't realize the Dugger case involved his sisters. I hadn't heard of brothers going to jail for molesting their sister. I wonder if our siblings are hearing these reports and really listening, panicking, or ignoring them. It must be frightening to know that others are going to jail for actions you too committed.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

swamp-pus

Hi Mags,

If I am correct, you are driving home today.  Drive safe, little sister.

I feel like all the news has the potential to trigger our family.  Will we talk?

I have been reading about Josh Duggar molesting his sisters.  And then there was another story of a large homeschooled family from South Carolina where 4 of 6 brothers have been sentenced to prison for molesting a sister from aged 4 through 15.  In that family other members are facing trials for knowing about the abuse and ignoring it.  And the other two brothers will probably be found guilty, too.

I felt guilty when I read about other family members knowing and doing nothing.  I knew something was happening.  In the story, though, the mother witnessed the abuse and did nothing.  I never witnessed anything, I just knew something was happening.  And I don't know what I could have done. Telling Mom would not have helped.  She would have dismissed it as kid stuff.  Now I know she would have been withdrawing because of her own panicked fear of sexuality.  Telling Dad - yeah, like he was around.  And, he would have freaked at me, blamed me, lashed out at me.  Told a neighbor?  They sat out and talked about how sad it was that the other neighbor's older son was forcing his younger siblings to blow him...I remember...the mom shook her head and asked,  "He's at it again?" 

No one has any power...fear petrifies us.  I think all the adults around us were panicked from what had happened to them...

And with both the stories mentioned above - people are carrying on about fundamentalist hypocrites and these monster sons.  Yeah, if we demonize a population - the fundies - then it's not us. We are safe because we aren't them.  And then, because the problem is with a small group, we don't have to face the larger problem, the women and children and men around us being routinely abused in the dark, and kept invisible through appearing normal during the day.

And we're going to completely ignore the fact that rapists learned their behavior somewhere.  If we don't look at what daddy did to those families, then we don't have to think about our own experiences at the hands of daddy or  uncle or some other power figure in this sick patriarchy.

I also read about the murder of a feminist activist at a conservative university. And the young men are cheering. 

This is all coming to a head. We have to look at it. I don't understand why these young men are so afraid. Are they afraid to grow up and be men?  Adult men control themselves, they nurture and protect. They communicate with others and are not afraid that compromise weakens them.  Adult men can see bare legs and admire them, maybe, but not ever consider the thought that they have the right to objectify and sexually use any female that draws their attention. And then to blame their self-centered entitled childishness on women...weakness...and if we face patriarchy and bring it back into balance with matriarchy, they won't be able to do anything they please...life will have consequences...for men.

So maybe, with these stories, we will pop the boil, and doggie paddle in the pus struggling to keep our heads out of the mess...But maybe facing this is the beginning of healing. 

How much longer though, until the exact same stories come out about families like ours...Nice Irish Catholic families who are part of the community?

Will we talk about this in Delana-land? Or will we ignore the story?  Pretend this just doesn't exist?

I love you,  I wait for your return...

Love and hugs from Clare

Cheese

S#4 did well...relief...

 Sometimes I get frightened and wonder which of the nine of us will transition first.  By odds or maybe by rights, as the oldest, it should be me.  In a way I lucked out being first, because Mom's body was healthiest.  But being overweight puts me at risk for many things...I don't want any of us to transition first...but that is unrealistic.

So I had one of those strange thoughts pop into, or maybe out of, my mind.

I am not a fan of processed foods, and try to avoid them, but sometimes that's what you got, and you just have to be grateful.  Tonight I made something that had cheese powder in it.  As I dumped the powder in a bowl, the words came - That's what happened to us.

We are sort of like processed humans.

I remember the first time I ate raw milk  cheese.  It made strange sensations in my mouth.  I was not sure if I liked it.  But I tried it again.  I began to perceive that it was alive in my mouth.

I started to prefer it.  And I prefer smaller amounts with lots of flavor.  Pizza glopped with piles of melted cheeses stuff just seems wrong.

Now pasteurized cheeses we get in the US taste dead to me. And cheese powder is not quite food.

I want to be raw milk cheese.   I want to be real and alive and intense.

I think I'm already a bit intense, but - oh well...

Love to our baby sister. Love to you...

Clare

soloing

My sister is  traveling to S#4 to support her during her mastectomy tomorrow. All my love is with them...

Hey Mags,

Travel safe.

I have been having lots of time with the baby.  And I am tired, so I am not being the best grandma ever. Last night I tried to put her in the stroller, put the three dogs on leashes and go for a walk. The dogs played a rousing game of Let's Braid our Leashes, followed by I Can Simulate an Asthma Attack By Choking Myself on the End of This Leash!   The little dog got away and would not come when I called. When I left the stroller to chase him, the baby screamed. 

I decided to go home and put the dogs in, and walk the baby.  She decided to slither out of the stroller and refused to get back in.  She followed me home, screaming - but still refusing to get back in the stroller.

My life is a lot more romantic in my imagination than in reality.  I thought we would have a lovely, quiet stroll in the evening cool.

Instead, we had a circus.

And I was getting short-tempered.  I took the baby in the backyard and laid down in the grass.  I have learned that I can calm and center when I am in contact with the Earth. The baby picked dandelion puffballs and blew them - on me.  So, there is a bit of romance in my life, I suppose.

I was looking at the baby and trying to find my center, and I remembered...

Once I tried to choose the largest regret ever, in my whole life. (This is what happens inside my brain when I am quiet...)  I thought about missed opportunities. I thought of some I knowingly missed.  Then there were some I recognized in retrospect.  I thought about missed romances, and really settled on one of those...until...until...I realized my moment of regret, the biggest moment ever, was the first time I ever yelled uncontrollably at my children...That is the moment I would return to.  I would go to that younger self and take myself in my arms and gently tell me that it is time to ask for help, or to find another outlet for the pain. 

I was in touch with that isolated, lonely, angry, frightened, pain-filled mama-self last night as I chose not to yell at my granddaughter.  I was not as loving as possible, but I was safe. I maintained that safe place for my little one, and for me...

I hope you travel safe.  I hope you deliver the deepest love and support for our little sister. I will hold you both, as well as our brother-in-law and nieces, in the Light.

I love you,I honor you,

Clare

home

Hi Maggie,

I'm back...exhausted, but home.

As far as the allergy thing - I have read that when we have babies too close together, our bodies are not fully recovered, and the subsequent children have higher and higher probability of developing allergies.  Of course, a woman having 9 children in 10 years says something about the family culture.  But I have also read that having pets and regularly getting good and dirty helps us develop healthy immune systems and we can avoid allergies.

It is a big subject...

I like the connection of integrate and integrity.  Another point to ponder!

Thinking about your flashes on S#5...Do you think we spend all of our lives trying to get Mommy and Daddy to love us?  Or do we get to a point where there's too much going on and we give up?  Do we just take care of people because we like to?

I'm not sure.  I know there is still a small girl inside that doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't love her/me/us.  Mothering myself works, to an extent, but I don't know if I will ever be whole.

I have been playing with my scapegoat, trying to understand.  Having nephew here helps, because he may not know it, but he has a strong scapegoat aspect also. Watching him. talking to him - I really understand myself better.

He's a good teacher...probably why he is with me.  We are working something out together.  Luckily, he's easy to have around...

But I had my scapegoat with me at Gathering.  We organized a lunch time program where tables were labeled with committee names or other issues.  There were queries and facilitators at each.  I was our appointed facilitator, but since I had the baby on my lap, a Friend of mine did it.  We were at the Religious Ed table.

I have been on RE for about 24 years all together...sigh...right now my meeting committee has fallen apart, and so I asked Meeting to take it on as a Meeting committee, with me as the point person.

At Gathering, we talked about a lot of ideas, including soft space - like a futon mattress - with quiet toys in the meeting room so that young babies and toddlers can stay in the silence during meeting.  Some meetings have a small table with chairs so that younger kids can work on art during the silence. It seems important to maintain community, rather than separate and isolate young families - especially since First Day School often descends into traded child care.

There was more that inspired me...but this part inspired my scapegoat.

In the silence of worship, it came to me that we need to be soft and welcoming as a meeting, but I also need to be soft and welcoming as a human being.

In my job, we have a quarterly evaluation which involves a manager listening to us work.  I hate it.  Usually I am very present while I work.  I really enjoy being engaged with the people I work with.  But when a manager listens to me, it's as if my brain splits into three parts, each aware of being judged, each out-thinking and criticizing every word.

I feel like that when people visit me - either in  my home, or socially - when people try to get to know me.  I split and being to watch myself, looking for each transgression.  I think this has been my scapegoat's job. I think she must be so tired...so, so tired of all the eyes peering into the dark - peering in from somewhere different and criticizing.  She saves me by criticizing me more harshly than anyone could ever do.  She protects me from feeling the pain of:  No, You're not good enough, We don't love you...She does it first.

It just struck me that I wage preemptive war on myself...

Time for bed...I think I will sleep well tonight - I am tired!

Love and hugs from Clare

Trust...

Supposedly having many siblings leads to:
1. Higher creativity
2. Lower intelligence
3. Less happiness - it decreases a bit more with each new kid
4. Lower incidence of obesity
5. Fewer allergies
6. Decreased chance of divorce

Clare,
First I'll think about this list. I do believe there is higher creativity, at least I see that in our family. But, I've read that boredom stimulates the active pursuit of the imagination…it's good to be bored if you're motivated to let your mind play. So, I'm not sure. I remember feeling "bored to tears" as an adolescent. But, was I really reading my emotions right? I could have just felt confused by the repression of bad stuff.

The intelligence thing probably has to do with poor prenatal experience…how much reserve does one mother's body have when you're having one pregnancy after another? Also the lack of one on one time for reading and skin contact and hearing the voice all of which stimulate brain growth and development of the synapsis.

Happiness- I struggle with what happiness is. I've asked my youngest to try to modify his definition of happiness from constant thrills to contentment. Perhaps that lack of contentment is part of being one of many, invisible in the sea of children.

Obesity- I think that depends upon whether or not there was adversity associated with the large family. Some large families are kind and nurturing, some are abusive and in survival mode at all times. I think that goes back to the cortisol thing from the zebras book.

Allergies- Not sure…
there's the exposure theory that says we don't allow our kids to get dirty enough and so they have allergy…there's a newer thought that gut bacteria are important…
lack of the specific ones will allow allergy to develop…
there's the stress model…
if there's a lot of stress and cortisol then any allergic symptoms will be masked by the steroids.
And then you've got to think about how long the stress lasts and if it ends in adrenal fatigue.

Decreased chance of divorce…
I think this one depends upon the quality of the parental relationship and the examples set. If there's less divorce because the person has separation anxiety…
because Mom didn't bond well…
then that's not really a healthy relationship.

I'm not sure why I needed to work through all of that, but it stimulated my brain and I thank you for that.

I do think that we all have a place within that we stuff all of the bad stuff. Your dream/vision is a reminder of that. So what do you do with that now? Are you ready to hear the stories that are within that being? Are you ready to process that part of your history and integrate it into who you really are? 

Life is a process of integration. I believe that we are working to regain that wholeness that exists on the other side…
within the collective consciousness. 
I think our purpose- one of our purposes- in this life is to gather our pieces and integrate…
Integrity. 
But that process is not for the faint of heart. It requires great courage and stamina.
Part of the message that I shared in session the other day had to do with courage to leave home and find our purpose and our self. She is disabled and was separated from her mother after her parents' divorce. She visited on weekends, but her siblings lived with the mother full time…so it was perceived as rejection. She is now helping mom all of the time, afraid to move into life…afraid to succeed…afraid to fail…afraid to trust. She wants to stay safe and uncomfortable comfortable in the nest of her mother's home. She has separation anxiety in her 20s.
So I shared  that "the nest" would always be there…
even if she travels miles away. 
It's a place in the heart, not a geographic location. 
That her mother's love cannot be bought or secured by staying close and performing every task of the household. (I'm having flashes of S#5 right now)
That if her mother truly loves her she will encourage her pursuit of dreams rather than holding her stagnant.
That she possesses the courage and fortitude to move forward…
all within her own self…
she has to trust…
first herself…
then others.

So, I caught my older son taking more money out of my account than we agreed upon. I am worried about what he is doing with his money. I am more worried about the deceitfulness. I want to continue to trust him…but he, and his brother, are making that a real challenge. If I blindly trust then I'm enabling poor behavior. I have to find a balance.

Have fun at your Quaker weekend. 
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

scapegoat

Hi Maggie,

This will be a quick check in before I leave for the weekend. I had one of my strange nights and wanted to record it before I forgot.

When I was in high school, I read a lot of Elizabeth Goudge.  She was definitely one of my favorite authors. She wrote a book that had a peripheral character - the scapegoat or death-eater.  There was one person who was  excluded from society, who lived poor and on the edges.  When someone died, this poor person was called to eat a meal from the chest of the dead body.  In so doing, the scapegoat assumed the sins of the recently deceased - who could then go to heaven.  Apparently this was a true Medieval custom.

Last night, when I could not sleep, I was thinking about the curled aspect of self that I recently recovered from inside my ribs.  I realized she is the scapegoat.  She remembers every bad things I ever did, every rude or cruel word.  She even took the blame for some things other people did.  She is the scared, hiding me who is always wrong, always bad and always afraid.

I was trying to hold her, comfort her, but she was trying to twine up my body and I think hide behind my neck.  I finally got her to relax in my arms.

This is weird to write...even weirder in the middle of the night...

Love and hugs from Clare

Have a fun weekend...

buck the trend

Hi Maggie,

Perhaps it is gentler, more tender, to invite self or others into the Light. Shining the Light on them seems a little violent - almost like deer spotting before hunting season begins.

I love when that happens - when you get in to the zone and open and channel things.  You say the perfect thing...and when it happens to me, there's a lucid part of my brain that sort of sits up and says,"I didn't know I knew that."  It has happened a few times when I have been leading herb walks, or occasionally when I am talking to people I care about.

If you can remember what you said, you should write it down. It will probably be truth for someone else!

I have fluffy fur balls everywhere too. everyone is shedding their winter coats.  I want to spring clean, and I really need to - but first I need to get the garden under control.  I need to finish getting the vegetables in. But first...today I planned to finish mowing the lawn.  But one of my daughter's coworkers showed up for her shift with the uniform on a hanger and announced that she was done.  So my daughter got a call - can you please come in for a few hours.  So I got the call - can you please take the baby for a few hours.

So the baby and I removed some knotweed and planted some lobelia. We got to spend some time outside, but we weren't as productive as I had hoped.

That's life - full of divine appointments.

I read an article today about the effects of having a lot of siblings. I wrote them down.  Some I really think are wrong.

Supposedly having many siblings leads to:
1. Higher creativity
2. Lower intelligence
3. Less happiness - it decreases a bit more with each new kid
4. Lower incidence of obesity
5. Fewer allergies
6. Decreased chance of divorce

We hit, maybe on the happiness scale and the creativity thing, but otherwise, I don't think the nine of us fit this list very well.  Any thoughts?  Well, and the obesity thing, except for me and S#3

This weekend will be our spring gathering of Friends.  Depending on how tomorrow goes, I may not be back here until Sunday evening.

Have fun disrupting your home...enjoy your dust bunny rodeo!

Love and hugs from Clare

a bit more connected

Clare,
It seems to me that it would be easier to shine/direct the Light into the darkness to dispel shadows and dark places. But that is forcing the Light, not inviting others to step into it. I have to think about that.

I'm sorry that nephew had an accident. I hope they have insurance to replace the car. I'm glad that your daughter was able to calm down and work with the reality of the situation rather than remain angry.

I had an interesting day. I worked with 5 clients today. Each is special in their own way. My third one, a young, disabled woman, was sharing her fears of moving into the future, unknown, unchartered territories. I found myself totally immersed in a sense of knowing…
and saying some amazing shit…
Things I didn't know to say…
We were both teary eyed by the end of the experience.
I've never gotten that caught up in my therapy.
I feel as if I was channeling the message.
It was powerful.
I wish I had taped the encounter because it was not my own wisdom…
and I can learn as much as she can from it.
I apologized for getting carried away…
I did more talking than she did.
She told me that she's had 3 therapists and that I am different…
even though I don't give homework, I give her ideas to work through each and every week and they are helping her.
I admitted that I do not work from a "plan"…
each session is spontaneous and guided…
I didn't tell her that it is truly spirit led.
That's what this therapy stuff is all about…
guiding another towards the Light of peace, joy, acceptance, enough, centering.

So today I am a bit more connected.
I am a little more in touch with my feelings and those of others.
What else could I ask for?

I am excited about the adversity class. I've been planning it in my head today when I wasn't working. I'm so excited to have a creative project opening for me.

I've spent the past 2 evenings moving daughter #2 back into an upstairs bedroom and son #1 into the basement bedroom. My body hurts. I'm kind of on a spring cleaning kick and it seemed to make sense to move them if I was shifting all of the furniture to clean the room. I think husband is annoyed that I an disrupting the house this much. He sees it as a nuisance. I started when B#4 was replacing windows in my bedroom and I realized how much animal hair was hiding under a cedar chest. There was a dust(fur) bunny the size of my fist…then I decided I needed to really clean this spring. So I'm almost through the whole house…I feel better…like I've got a fresh start to the year. I hope it stays clean for the next 5 or so years so that I don't have to repeat this soon.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

pita

Maggie -

I'm impressed.  An impromptu, joyful day off followed by cutting back to part-time.  You are taking care of yourself.  Nice!  And I am excited about the Biology of Adversity course.  That, my dear, is your book!

I tried a different version of the Light meditation.  Today didn't go quite like yesterday. Today is a day of interruption, er...divine appointments.  First of all, the cat was present.  She was climbing me, doing Eskimo kisses, she walked across the computer. It seemed like one period of silence was very extended.  Yeah, the cat froze the download.

But I got a few images to play with tonight.  And from last night, mostly I feel tired, sore, my chest hurts...Today I listened to instructions to seek within.  I saw the Light around me, and realized how dense my body is. Lately I have been feeling like a burrito or a pita. The bread is the Light surrounding my body.  I am trying to understand the way my body is in my soul.

Next I was asked to let the Light open my conscience.  My transgression seems to be hiding, and not being present.  I felt two dark spots, one in each shoulder. Then I found a younger version of self hiding inside me.  Her/My knees were drawn up close, head bowed.  I asked her what she was hiding from.  I saw eyes peering at her from the dark.

The instructions then directed me to bring what is in the dark into the Light. The girl-self is blinded, not reacting much.  The dark spots sort of turned into eye patches.  I'm not sure I understand.  Actually, I'm sure I don't understand.

Lastly, I think, I was asked to, rather than look at confusions, to look at the Light. I turned to the Light and felt great peace, until the phone range...and so I am not sure if I really finished the meditation.  I'll try again another day. 

The phone call was from my youngest.  She called to tell me she sent some photos that would make me laugh. They did - make me laugh.  It was good to hear her laughing.  Last night was trying.  Nephew totaled my youngest's car. She was very angry at first.  We were texting, and I reminded her of who she is, who she is becoming.  She calmed down, and started to breathe and deal with the situation.  I was very proud of her.

So life is crazy...

But I love you...and I wish you sweet  dreams.

Clare

quick post

Clare,

The graphic descriptions of your meditation are incredible. How do you feel now that a little time has passed? I ordered 2 books by Rex Ambler, about Quakerism. I will start there. I will check out those meditations online that you suggested, perhaps this weekend when husband is on call.

I've agreed to teach at the local university again in the fall. I'm going to teach a biology course. I've also asked if I can envelop a course about the biology of adversity, based on my research into the adverse childhood experiences studies and other materials. I'm really excited about that possibility.

I have to talk with my current boss about cutting back my hours to my previous part-time status. I have decided to teach and counsel, maintaining some contact with the advocacy/professional agency but not 4 days a week.

I've got to find a way to reclaim time for me.
I've got to exercise and take care of me.

I'm going to call it quits early tonight…it's getting late (after 10 pm) and I need sleep.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

boulders

So I decided to experiment with the Rex Ambler meditations. Still feeling a little light-headed, but wanted to share what I remember.

It is a guided meditation, with little guidance and lots of silence.  When told to turn to the Light, I was deep in my intestines, maybe, and I turned and looked up within myself.  I didn't expect that.  The Light was murky green, sort of asparagus-colored.  It yellowed and finally cleared.  I was lighter, My real concern, when asked, appeared to be this huge scabby-booger-boulder, larger than my torso, weighting down my chest.  It was big and round and dark and oh-so heavy.  It started to lift and I had a moment of fear - wondering if I would fall out of myself without the weight keeping me in.  It got peeled off, and pus started flowing out of me.

I wondered how long I had been toxic.  It flowed and flowed, and I thought of caterpillars - supposedly liquifying their innards in order to recycle self into a creature who can fly...I flowed and became cream, then became liquid soap - all white.  Then I felt something unsnapping, pulling out of each chakra - starting with feet.  Again, I felt a bit of fear, but I allowed it to happen.

As directed to welcome whatever was happening, I became nauseous between the yellow and green chakras.  I am wondering if reconnection was being made.

I could feel that a weight was lifted from me, and I got the message that to wait shows faith.  One does not wait unless we are positive something is going to happen.

But weight-wait really stayed in my mind.

Then I was in the woods with you and B#3, when we lived at the gap.  I was not me, your older sister, I was an adult presence of some sort.  I found him being sexual with you, and calmly and lovingly said, "That's not appropriate.  You know you should do this to your little sister."  He agreed and we got up to walk away. It's like it was over - the lesson that we  needed to look at the source of the pain and acknowledge that it was wrong and then it would stop. I looked at him and asked him where he learned this.  He started crying and said, "Daddy."  I looked at Daddy and he became a child crying in pain on response to his Daddy...it set up a chain of pain.

And I felt the pain of Daddy, and then I saw that my boulder was ash. It was crumbling and blowing away.

After, I was thinking about these images, and thinking about my core sin.  I was thinking about waiting, which really does seem like a lack of faith, even though I was just assured otherwise.  And I wondered if my core sin is arrogance.  The martyrest of the martyrs, always last...is that me?

I'm tired. 

I hope you are having a good day, with at least a few joyful moments that take your breath away!

Love and hugs from Clare

Core sin

Playing hooky was perfect.  It was exactly what you needed.  I am so happy you had a joyous day, were rewarded,  as a result. 

How well did all the celebrations meld this weekend?  I hope everyone had a blast.  I hope everyone was proud of each other and of themselves.

I tried to copy/paste a page where you could find some info about Rex Ambler, but my computer would not cooperate.  Try charlieblackfield.com.  There are some guided meditations on the page.

Basically the idea is to Mind the Light  - to pay attention to what is in the Light.  Next, open your heart to the truth.  Don't run from what you perceive, stay cool, stay present. Wait in the Light, and last - submit.

I want to try, but am not sure when I will find time. I thought I would be here last evening, but my youngest called and asked if she could be a little late picking up her baby to make ride sharing with her cousin easier.  The her cousin was in the mood to talk a little after work.

I read something disturbing today. It has been on my mind since. An article averred that we each have a core sin, and that sin leads to shame.  I am always troubled by words like sin, but maybe we each have a core drama, or a core issue we are trying to solve.

I thought shame was my issue. I have been trying to figure out what my core sin is.  The example in the article was Dwight Eisenhower whose core sin was temper.  He evolved as an adult by being aware of his temper and making choices of how to reaction.

So what is my core sin?  Fear of everything? Fear of being bad?  Lack of integrity?  I can't identify it yet. and so I don't have a title.  But apparently, identifying the core leads to evolving and working with it.  Maybe I am arrogant...I don't know.

I have the feeling we each have one...that makes this so difficult.

Time for me to collapse. I love and miss you,

Clare

Good day

Clare,
Rex Ambler…
I've never heard that name before. So what are his discoveries? What do we have to do to explore those things?

I like the idea that we are too dense…
that sounds like the epidemic of depression that I'm seeing…
and feeling.
Too dense to really see and feel the Light.
I often sing a song…
not often enough obviously…
Open my eyes…help me to see your face.
Open my ears…help me to hear your voice.
Open my heart…help me to love like you.
I think that could be  a "mantra" to lighten.

Yesterday I was driving to work…
up and over a beautiful hill…
and I thought of my mulch pile, my son working at home, and B#4 working at my house…
I drove home.
I told the office I wasn't feeling well…
which isn't totally untrue.
I have been wiped out driving home from there for the past month.
I went home, mulched for several hours…
did some work from home…
and laughed with my family.
B#4 has a way of getting my boys to talk and laugh…
he's really good with them…
I wish he were here more often.
Daughter #2 showed up in the middle of it all and she joined in the merriment.
It felt like a celebration…
but that's what every day should feel like.
We should laugh every day.
Yesterday felt great.

My youngest went to prom last night.
He took a young woman who he really likes. She is a good influence on him. She is focused but fun. She is involved in theater and vocal music. She has parents that keep a close eye on her and she is respectful towards them.
We picked them up afterward…
my son said it was a "perfect night"…
because she made it perfect. I think she was touched by that.
He is really blossoming at this school. He seems to have found his niche.

Today we go to separate graduations…
tomorrow all will be home to enjoy family time on mothers day.
I do not really celebrate it…
I acknowledge it…
appreciate the gathering of my kids and express gratitude…
I hope.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Light.....

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

I had a quiet day.  I think we're falling into the pattern we had with Grandma - celebrating birthday and Mother's Day at once. I have never been a big proponent of Mother's Day, though. If we did it activist style, ala Julia Ward Howe, that would be one thing.  But the artificial event is has become really does not speak to me.

And I've never liked celebrating my birthday much.

It all adds up to a no-fun-Mama.

I was awake in the middle of the night.  Again. And I was thinking about this world and all the problems.  Then I started thinking about what I love.  I love this planet.  It is such a beautiful place to live.  I love dogs - the whole species. I love all animals.  I really love the plants. I love humans...What I don't love is that small group of pathologically greedy entities who are in the process of destroying the planet and all life on it.

I started getting angry and feeling hateful.  I stopped myself.  I remembered all the spiritual work I did to find a place of compassion for George Bush...I think I have talked about that.  I tried to go back to that place, and started feeling compassion.

And I got this strange message.  The Earth and the individuals on it are allowing this all to happen because we are too dense.  We have to lighten up and love everything and then, this way can not survive. We cannot enslave nor be enslaved.

In the middle of the night, this felt profound and deep and correct. Now, in the light of day, I am wondering if I'm a tad mad...

But I'm going to work on this...on being light and loving and positive.

And...a more experienced Friend introduced me to the work of Rex Ambler.  He was a British Friend who began to suspect that there was something more going on with early Friends.  He started rereading and analyzing the writings of early Friends and realized they were working with specific meditations. He retrieved and modernized the form and has been working with it.

It recommends we don't do it alone, but I might. I am really curious...I thought you might be too...

I hope you have a fabulous, family centered, festive weekend.  Congratulations to both of your daughters!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Big sisterly maternal thoughts --  I have said this before, but you have not had down time since your surgery.  Of course you are exhausted on many levels. And now, with what S#4 is going through, it will bring it all back for you.  You need to go into yourself, make a cocoon and rest.

Love, lots of love...

Happy Birthday…belated

Clare,

Happy belated birthday…
I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday.
I felt exhausted…
the world was incredibly heavy for me, and I just stayed afloat.
I had words with my youngest…
he expressed concern for me later in the evening and again today…
he is noticing my dark mood…
my exhaustion.
I don't remember feeling this exhausted in many years. I fall asleep when I sit down.
Part of me is frustrated because I want to do so much…and yet I'm too tired to move.
I hope this passes soon.

My youngest is going to prom tomorrow. He is very excited. I think he really likes the young woman he is taking which makes it even more special for him. He has decided not to go to Europe with his former girlfriend's family for the summer. From a selfish point of view, now I will have to manage him day to day…Europe would have been easier.

B#4 has been over several days this week. He is replacing some damaged windows for me. It is really nice to see him, even for a few minutes after work. He's going to do some staining and caulking later in the summer for me too. My boys love it when he visits.

I hope that you had a wonderful birthday.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

perception

Hi Maggie,

I woke up early this morning with that jarring realization that I agreed to write a report for a meeting tomorrow night.  And other Friends on the committee were supposed to have some time to edit and think about it before hand...So I reread all the original documents the report was based on, then I went and laid in the grass and wrote.

I'm not sure if this is an effective technique or not, but the report is written and waiting to be pulled apart by the others on the committee.

Before that jolt into reality, I was following a strange trail.  It made sense while I was half asleep, but I'm not sure I can explain it now - just before bed.

But...when my oldest was 19, her then boyfriend gave her a husky puppy for her birthday.  Later, they were having some difficulties in their relationship...and you know how some young couple have a baby, trying to get closer and solve their problems? Well my daughter and this boyfriend got a new puppy.  Then they broke up.  She moved to her own apartment, and could only have one dog. She asked me if I could keep her husky, who was then 2 years old, for just a little while.  I had him for 11 years.

I remember that people would ask about my dogs and I would always explain that he belonged to my daughter, but was with me for awhile.  After about 6 years, I realized that any time I put my hand down, he was there.  I realized he was my dog.  The dog he knew he was my companion, I was his human - but I didn't.  And suddenly I wondered about my perceptions of the world. How many truths am I missing?  How far are my perceptions from reality?What am I missing?

In the still of the early morning,I was onto somehting - I was redefining something about myself. But with the morning sun - it disappeared!

Hope you have a lovely day.

Love and hugs from Clare

mixed feelings

Hi Maggie,

I think we all have mixed feelings about our kids.  And I think parenting is best learned by practice. Unfortunately, by the time we figure things out, and actually have a clue - they are gone.  That thought takes me back to my ever-present belief that humans are a tribal species.  If we lived in healthy tribes, the generations would be present to help, to advise, to share enthusiasm as well as wisdom.  Instead we have exhausted young parents working and spending evenings with their kids, or one parent isolated with their kids.  Neither is healthy.

When I was on the farm, when the kids were young, we never managed to organize an intentional community, but I always longed for that lifestyle.  My oldest does tell people she was born on a commune though - referring to the shared farm we lived on so many years ago. I didn't realize how healthy the lifestyle was while I was in it...

When I first read about your statement at work, I thought you were talking about your role as  parent - this is not what you signed up for.  I was delighted for a moment, until I read correctly - you were making a strong statement at work.

Well, good for you.

And do protect yourself.  Stepping into the lion's den is a brave thing to do, and you'll probably find moments of unbearable vulnerability...which is probably when you will truly shine.

When I visit the west, I routinely get to experience wildfires.  I've never been in danger, but I have been aware.  Today I saw that there is a wildfire in the Catskill Mountains. for some reason, having a wildfire on the east coast is freaking me out. It feels too different - like there's too much change.

And we need rain.  I planted a lot of veggies, and now I'd really like Mother Nature to rain on me/them/us...

I am tired. Not the good kind of tired.  And it is dark. I will be back tomorrow.

Love and hugs from Clare

try, try again

Clare,

I think we all parent somewhat from a "I'll never treat my kids like they did" mentality…
or maybe reaction is a better word for it.
I love my kids…
I will always be here for them.
I've been taken advantage by them.
I've loved them despite not liking them very much.

I had a long talk with a coworker today…
explaining that I do not want to continue with the responsibilities that I currently have…
I am filling in for a communications person.
I am creating and sending e-mails to different cohorts of the membership.
I am editing a training manual for updates.
I am going through our website looking for outdated references and non-working links.
I told her today,"this is not social work".
It felt good to admit that part of my dis-satisfaction is not being professionally fulfilled.
I've applied for a forensic mental health therapist's position…
basically working with convicted perpetrators of violence- sex offenders and domestic violence perpetrators. I was asked to write a letter of interest, which I did over the weekend. It was a difficult letter to compose, but I think it was honest in the end.
I am interested to see if I will be interviewed. I asked my reiki healer if I was strong enough to do that work…she told me that line of work is "more in line with my purpose"…and told me to proceed.
She warned me to protect myself…

I am really tired this afternoon…
a good tired though.
I mowed after work and feel relaxed.

I took my youngest to the DMV for his driver's permit this afternoon…
forgot to take my checkbook…
so we have to re-try tomorrow…
mea culpa.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

don't be Dad

Hi Maggie,

I seem to be developing another cold.  I rarely get sick, but this year has been outrageous.  It is probably due to my poor eating habits.  I fell of the sugar wagon and am struggling.  I will climb back on later this week.  And I want to try to limit processed foods as much as I possibly can. I have been doing some reading, and am becoming more convinced that the chemicals added to our foods cause inflammation in various parts of the body, including the brain.  I really think this influences our behavior, our choices.

I am willing to explore this with my body...

I recognize the S#3 pattern.  I have done this, too, especially with my youngest.  Moreso with my youngest, maybe.  Her older sibs occasionally express some opinions to that effect.

I think the reason is twofold.  One is that I tried to parent differently than Dad.  At times I would actually stop, wonder what he would have done, then did something else.  It was painful being regularly reminded that I was not welcomed in his home, that I had to leave at age 18.  And we all knew we could never ask for anything, and that they were not, under any circumstances, going to babysit our kids.

I made sure my kids all knew that as long as I had a home, they were welcome in it.  If they ever, at any time in their life, needed sanctuary, my door is open.

The other reason I stepped in and helped too much was the classic avoidance of having an empty nest. If I am not the Mom, what am I?  It is a difficult questions.  I don't know yet. But it is painful when I look at my position as grandma, slightly outside - more a supporting role than having a vital role.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a vital role in my own life...

With S#4, I will be in the same role as with you - praying.  It's the most I can offer...

I hope you feel the joy of your upcoming weekend...

I'll be back tomorrow...my happy.

Love and hugs,

Clare

good weekend

Clare,

I had the same impression of S#3…
but through our discussion she told me that she is asking her daughter to step up…
to take back some of the responsibilities.
I think that's a positive step except that she doesn't really want to relinquish the reins.
I see her stepping back in when her daughter makes poor decisions and re-assuming the burdens…
which reinforces her daughter's sense that she is not capable…
mom is more capable….
I do the same thing with my kids' assignments and chores.
They don't do them the way that I like…
so I step in and "help" them…
which teaches them to depend upon me for assistance.
I am trying to change…
acknowledgement is the first step.

"Love is giving roots AND wings"
That was a message in Meeting yesterday.

S#4 has a biopsy today. She is frightened. I wish I could hold her hand, but that is not possible. I am going to be with her through her surgery and a few days following. I am looking forward to paying forward all of the kindness that was given to me last year. I am a bit afraid of reliving some of my own trauma from last June…but I will be aware of the possibility and hopefully deal with it.

We had a good weekend.
Gardening…
walking…
yoga…
I saw a lot of F/friends at the yearly gathering yesterday. I was only able to go for Sunday morning, but it is always a great time…
Daughter #2 had a show yesterday afternoon and then dinner with our Ukranian friends.
My youngest is going to travel in Europe with them this summer. He has been invited to spend 2 months traveling with them…we're not sure how long he will actually spend there…Probably 3 or 4 weeks.

Next weekend is graduation for both of my daughters…
and mother's day…
and a prom for the youngest.
I need to pace myself.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

blank brain

Helloooo...

Hope all is well. We had a loud weekend, with seven kids. I wondered if we sounded like that when the nine of us were little.

I did have memories of my two oldest, who I fondly referred to as the Informer (my second child) and the Enforcer (the oldest). Luckily, the grow up and we forget.

I was/am a little worried about S#3. She seemed overly tired and stressed. I don't think she's getting any down time. I think she has taken on the bulk of the responsibility of raising her grandchildren. And she never had, asked for or even wanted four kids. This seems a little unfair.

The New Age woo-woo part of me wonders what karma she and her daughter are settling. But the big sister in me wants to see our sister in a little less pain. She often says she's coming without any kids. But she never does that.  She always has her car filled with noise and arguments.

I heard that S#4 has suspicious spots in her breasts, and may end up being treated for cancer.  Please keep me in the loop.  I am so outside her life.

Not much else to think about. The weekend was so chaotic.  Then everyone left and it was just me and the baby.  And she tool a long nap in my arms.  Then she went home and I worked on Quaker stuff for our upcoming gathering.

Maybe by tomorrow, the brain will be functioning again!!

Love and hugs,

Clare

separate accounts

Hi Maggie,

You posed some interesting questions.  I think we are living in the post-divorce trauma era.  I see many young couples now who maintain two separate accounts. They discuss who will pay what, but their money does not mingle.

Perhaps watching their parents split up and divide every aspect of life has led to this mistrust of relationships, this lack of communication, and even deeper fear of being vulnerable.

After reading your rhetorical questions, I really started to wonder how marriage and commitment have changed.

Do we  get married expecting it to last for a lifetime? Or are we just hoping?  Or do we completely lack faith in a lifetime of commitment.

In a way, it is positive that our children trust us.  It seems to be a step forward.  Now they need to evolve and create a family. They have to become the parents that can be trusted - together.   But my daughter comes from a broken home.  And her boyfriend has parents who divorced and both remarried, and so there are even more characters in the chaos of family...

I never though the whistles were for me.  Dad had me pretty sure I didn't deserve it.  After thinking about his brother yesterday, part of me wonders if it was part of the way he was protecting us.  A very misguided way to keep us from responding to anything that might be sexual invitation - welcome or not.  A bigger part of me understands he was beaten down and told he was worthless for most of his life, and he was just passing along the pain.

May Day is a holiday everywhere in the world but here, I think. So I have a light day.  I am going back to the garden...after I do a little Quaker work...I hope I remember to leave my desk before the baby arrives...

Love and hugs,

Enjoy this beautiful Spring day...

Clare