tough call

I am angry...
I am very reluctant to voice the anger though because I become so passionate about what I say that I quiver and my body begins to shiver and pretty soon it's like shaking chills...
I am such a Quaker.
I have begun speaking publicly about child abuse and the damage from it...
sometimes I share it from a clinical, research point of view, and sometimes I feel safe enough to disclose that I, too am a survivor.
The response has been overwhelmingly supportive...
not pity...
I am amazed because people talk about being in "awe"...
they cannot understand how a survivor can achieve and be together and successful...
I tell them that hidden beneath all of that is a person who doesn't trust...
doesn't feel safe...
and stays as busy as possible so that I don't have to think about it.

I am trying to teach that there are many levels of this "survival"
there's being able to survive the trauma physically, but emotionally and spiritually turned off,
there's being able to repress the trauma...so that to the outside view you are productive and adjusted,
and then there is the person who can process the events...let go of the pain and guilt and self-loathing...and really take back their life.
I am trying to reach that third level.
I want to be whole.

I loved the blog...
we are on to something that is bigger than us if others are describing the same entrapment.
perhaps we should work on a book.
I have been sharing my feelings and experiences with my oldest child...
she is open to discussion...
my second shies away from discussions that have to do with my childhood abuse...
my third knows that abuse happened...but doesn't want details...
the youngest has heard bits and pieces...but hasn't asked for any information...
I would love to blog to them, but they aren't ready for this yet. When they ask I will share with them.
I like the fact that people are telling their children...
but shouldn't we talk about this as they grow..to plant those seeds that foster respect and care for each other as they are growing? It's a tough call.

The dreams are interesting...have you thought of contacting your ex? Just to see what's up?

I am traveling this weekend...
hopefully I will have Internet to check in.

I love you,
Maggie