The burka

Your article was worth commenting on.  What were the positive points?  And your reasoning is not logical.  You may not be suited to be in social work because your writing was not accepted?  Yet, you go to talk to people and get an amazing amount of positive feedback and make amazing connections.  Maybe writing is not your strongest skill.  And if I remember, you have a Friend who is interested in collaboration.  And we have a book in our collective/connected potential future...

Why was/is fat such a major sin in our family?  Because Grammy was fat?  Did she hate herself?  Did her kids hate her?  Did her husband use it against her?

I think part of the problem was specific fat...like when our breasts were bigger than Mom's.  I know it bothered her a lot.  Breasts evoked a lot of emotion.  Then she lost one to cancer.  Is there a connection?  Do we love them, or do we hate them, or do we hide them?  Do we use them?  I added my nursing history and realized I had breastfed for 13.5 years.  Mine are well used.  Looking at the questions, considering our bodies - do we love them, do we hate them, do we use them?  I say no to all, and add maybe - Do we hide them?  Yes.  Maybe that's what the burka is all about.  I don't wear make-up.  I love my oversized dark hoodie - a great place to hide...Brings me back to: Am I beautiful?  And of course no one's answer is important except my own.

Do I want to be beautiful?  That question terrifies me.  It makes me feel vulnearble and maybe like I am not worth anything else but my appearance.  So I sacrifice appearance and feel worthless in general.

I dreamed about the basement, about foundations.  Then I dreamed about Mom's criticism of my appearance.  Is this at least part of the foundation I am trying to uncover and understand?  I keep wondering what the yellow tile means.  Because it is covering up the beautiful natural floor.

If I said this before, I apologize and I'll claim the forgetfullness of old age.  After my marriage ended, I was working more than usual - because someone left the newspaper and I was picking up a lot of that work until a new writer came in.  My kids were a little more sedentary than ever before, and cooking more for themselves.  My two younger sons put on a little weight.  The youngest didn't truly lose it until he grew into it, until he got tall.  He told me once that he was grateful to me and to his siblings because never once was he called names or made to feel bad about his body.  I was proud of us at that moment.

My youngest walked in when I was writing a blog and asked about it.  She asked to hear some of the comments about her. In the course of it, she heard/saw something about B#1.  Later she told me that she has always had a hard time with him, because all of my kids know he doesn't like them, and we know he is not nice to them, but she didn't want to know that he abused you.  She doesn't want to know, she doesn't want her daughter to know.  She thinks it's great that you and I are working on this together, but we need to keep it private.  According to her, maybe even this blog is too public.  It was exactly the response I "felt" from Ss# 4& 5.  Don't ruin our memories of our happy childhood - keep it secret.  I told her secrecy was the place that allowed abuse to thrive.  She agreed, but...not our family, not in public...

By telling your husband that you feel numb, you are being truly vulnerable.  Paradox...

I did dance for about half the night.  Then I went downstairs where someone had to keep an eye on the bake sale and made a Friend go upstairs and dance.  It was her birthday!  I actually felt good, I had a nice time.  Some very close friends were there and I felt cherished and supported.

Today, though, I am sick.  I got what's going round, and I can't afford to miss work tomorrow.  Sigh...Too bad we weren't born into a family that was independently wealthy!

Getting ready to sign off, and thought of an idea...My youngest has a friend who is one of my non-bio children.  She has been through sexual abuse, and was talking about starting a blog.  What if she wrote her story, and then we analyzed and commented as a chapter of a book.  You could definitely address the physio-psycho aspects of her experience.  Any merit to this idea?

So glad you had a lovely weekend...I love you!

Clare