Dreambit

I had a long dream last night, and only remember one tiny bit.  In waking life, I have been using pure coconut oil to moisturize my face.  I did this in my dream and looked in the mirror and was astounded at how healthy and clear my skin was.  I was on the floor playing with kids when Mom walked in.  From the floor, I said, "Doesn't my skin look good!".  She looked at me and said no.  So I went to the bathroom and saw I had splashes on my face from playing.  They wiped right off, and my skin did look great.

I woke up - it was one of those nights where I was awake and thinking - and remembered a photograph of me at about age 13.  I remember Mom saying it looked good, but too bad about my skin.  I looked at it, and said - "Some of that is freckles, Mom.  It's not all acne."  I remembered how quietly and nicely she commented on my skin and my weight all through my teenage years - too bad about the acne, here is another diet book, she would do it with me if it helped.  In truth, I was never out of the healthy weight range in high school.  In truth, I have always been aware of  being not nice enough, not pretty enough, not acceptable...

I am struggling with this now.  My children are beautiful.  I know I am their Mom, and I am partisan, but my kids are exceptionally beautiful.  You, my sisters are also gorgeous - all 4 of you.  I share the same gene pool - so why am I the only one who is not pretty?

And why was it so important that I not feel pretty?

My oldest daughter asked me once why I didn't warn her that men were going to be interested in her simply because of the way she looks.  I couldn't tell her, because I did not know that was a message.

Off to meetinghouse...Have a snowy-bright day!

Love, Clare