I think a safe dating workshop or curricula would be ideal. It is a fascinating subject for teenagers, and even adults who are not so good at dating. The interest, the passion, the wonder is already there. Make it exciting and correct and reputation will take it where it needs to go. Humans tend to be followers.
The infighting is an example of competition, I think. We need to introduce Me, too to lead the way to cooperation.
I have had a leading to write about violence, about the roots of violence. I would like to talk to you about my thoughts, rather than write them here. I still need help identifying terms or impulses or something. I bounced my ideas off of an AVP Friend, who didn't quite understand what I meant. But what I am thinking is that we could define violence then show the commonality in each situation. There are levels of violence, yet when we live in a violent society, it's hard to recognize it. Why was it okay for Dad to tell us we were fat and stupid? Because that's what dads do. We need to be able to point to one moment, one word, one attitude and say - There it is, that is the moment, that is the seed, or the root.
Then we could take examples of each type of violence. I have a young friend whose parents separated and divided her between two homes. She was sexually abused at three different ages, by the babysitter's son, and by family members of the step-father. She screamed and kicked and tried to get away when they were going to visit, but no one ever asked what was wrong. She wants to tell the story from her perspective. The violence is easily identifiable in her situation, but there are other cases where it is harder.
I just watched an episode of a current TV program where a girl was raped and didn't tell anyone. I understand. We don't identify the violence, instead we are ashamed and wondering why we deserved it. What could help young women in this situation?
What do you think?
My youngest has a sinus infection and had me up in the middle of the night because she felt so bad. I have a headache and have been feeling a little feverish. I think that is why I was so complicated last night. I couldn't think straight. I had wild-fever dreams interspersed with waking confusion all night. Our grandmothers were there. Grammy was a seal, Grandmom was a ruffed grouse. Pop was a monkey-hornet, and Grampa Smoke was an otter. I think I am just a little crazy!!!
Love,
Clare
Thursday, February 28, 2013
connections...or lack of connections
Well, I hit another turn in the road...
This advocacy project is so twisted...
many people are trying to work on related issues, but are unwilling to work together...
I found several proposed Bills that could be used to decrease DV...
I then spoke with legal counsel of the state's DV coalition who said that none will help...
the one that needs to be focused on is a piece of a law, passed 3 years ago about education on safe dating...it's an optional program...and not many schools are implementing.
It makes sense...but what bothers me is that she refused to see that interpersonal violence is related...
whether it is bullying, rape, child abuse, domestic violence, elder abuse, even ultimately war...you get the picture.
Now I am wondering if anyone has ever done research on the similarities in the patterns of various interpersonal violence...
I am concerned because if each coalition maintains their own "turf"...then the violence will persist because we fail to see that lack of respect for others is a basic societal need.
I think it would be fascinating to look at the origins of religion...pre-naming and claiming...
again...if we looked for similarities we could actually find common ground.
Maybe this could be a focus for our book...identifying commonalities (Me too) and looking for bridges to bring us together.
More later,
Maggie
This advocacy project is so twisted...
many people are trying to work on related issues, but are unwilling to work together...
I found several proposed Bills that could be used to decrease DV...
I then spoke with legal counsel of the state's DV coalition who said that none will help...
the one that needs to be focused on is a piece of a law, passed 3 years ago about education on safe dating...it's an optional program...and not many schools are implementing.
It makes sense...but what bothers me is that she refused to see that interpersonal violence is related...
whether it is bullying, rape, child abuse, domestic violence, elder abuse, even ultimately war...you get the picture.
Now I am wondering if anyone has ever done research on the similarities in the patterns of various interpersonal violence...
I am concerned because if each coalition maintains their own "turf"...then the violence will persist because we fail to see that lack of respect for others is a basic societal need.
I think it would be fascinating to look at the origins of religion...pre-naming and claiming...
again...if we looked for similarities we could actually find common ground.
Maybe this could be a focus for our book...identifying commonalities (Me too) and looking for bridges to bring us together.
More later,
Maggie
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Complicating
My mind is going to a very complicated place. I am wondering if there is a trinity for each chakra. Or if three or four sets of trinities swirl up around our being. I don't think I can go that deep right now. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I have been awake at night, thinking. It might be because we just had a full moon. Or it might be the work we are doing here.
I do like trinities. I thought of Reduce - Reuse - Recycle and the arrows leading one into the other. I think our trinity selves are kind of like that - blending into the next, making it all stronger and making us more stable.
I have a very dear old friend that I met while protesting the siting of a nuclear dump. She is in her 90's now, and she has been like a second, well third grandma, to my kids. We were visiting her one day, and she had another friend there, a Basque woman. That woman was a retired professor of languages. For her retirement project, she was tracing words from western languages and trying to isolate the original language. She had found that the roots were in the Caucasus Mountains. I wonder of it's possible to do the same with religion. I don't think the point of origin is possible as much as the commonalities of all religions. This might take us to a truth. And that truth is pre-Biblical I expect.
Again, I am being complicated.
I think I will go work on dinner. I am baking spinach in a cheese and egg mixture. My oldest son loved this dish when he was little...
I love you...I hope you are making more sense than me today!
Clare
I do like trinities. I thought of Reduce - Reuse - Recycle and the arrows leading one into the other. I think our trinity selves are kind of like that - blending into the next, making it all stronger and making us more stable.
I have a very dear old friend that I met while protesting the siting of a nuclear dump. She is in her 90's now, and she has been like a second, well third grandma, to my kids. We were visiting her one day, and she had another friend there, a Basque woman. That woman was a retired professor of languages. For her retirement project, she was tracing words from western languages and trying to isolate the original language. She had found that the roots were in the Caucasus Mountains. I wonder of it's possible to do the same with religion. I don't think the point of origin is possible as much as the commonalities of all religions. This might take us to a truth. And that truth is pre-Biblical I expect.
Again, I am being complicated.
I think I will go work on dinner. I am baking spinach in a cheese and egg mixture. My oldest son loved this dish when he was little...
I love you...I hope you are making more sense than me today!
Clare
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Thanks for the reminder
I do agree that the psyche is multifaceted and simultaneously can be more than one layer/level. I do like the connection to the chakras...something I did not consider as I was writing yesterday.
I am teaching a comparative religion course for First Day School and trying to show the similarities between different faith traditions...rather than enumerating their differences. I am using the Anatomy of a Spirit to guide me with the Chakras, Sefirot, and Christian sacraments... so those levels must somehow be demonstrated within those traditions as well.
I also appreciate your talking about trinities...I think so many meaningful concepts/images come in threes...
body, mind, spirit
past, present, future
liquid, solid, gas
thought, word, deed...
3 seems complete...but on closer inspection these are not distinct and separate...they are on a continuum really...
It's fascinating to play with this in my mind.
So I am in a period of Quaker, extroverted activism...I am attempting to gather support, build a coalition to educate children about nonviolence. I am really feeling like opportunities are opening...it's very energizing. I have to be careful to not allow myself to swept away and lose myself in the project. It's very easy for me to ignore my soul's needs by the immediacy of these projects. I am meeting and speaking with several people tomorrow...I'll let you know how it goes.
The reasons for incarnating are beautiful...thanks for reminding me...I am just mildly depressed and wonder what's it all about.
Blessings,
Maggie
I am teaching a comparative religion course for First Day School and trying to show the similarities between different faith traditions...rather than enumerating their differences. I am using the Anatomy of a Spirit to guide me with the Chakras, Sefirot, and Christian sacraments... so those levels must somehow be demonstrated within those traditions as well.
I also appreciate your talking about trinities...I think so many meaningful concepts/images come in threes...
body, mind, spirit
past, present, future
liquid, solid, gas
thought, word, deed...
3 seems complete...but on closer inspection these are not distinct and separate...they are on a continuum really...
It's fascinating to play with this in my mind.
So I am in a period of Quaker, extroverted activism...I am attempting to gather support, build a coalition to educate children about nonviolence. I am really feeling like opportunities are opening...it's very energizing. I have to be careful to not allow myself to swept away and lose myself in the project. It's very easy for me to ignore my soul's needs by the immediacy of these projects. I am meeting and speaking with several people tomorrow...I'll let you know how it goes.
The reasons for incarnating are beautiful...thanks for reminding me...I am just mildly depressed and wonder what's it all about.
Blessings,
Maggie
threes and sevens
I had to read and reread your last post several times. I think I am still processing. But I also think I am making a little sense of it.
Or else I am going off in babble mode and confusing myself even more...We'll see if it makes sense.
All of the references to seven may refer to processing the journey through the chakras, as they have been traditionally numbered. (Which no longer makes sense to me.) I think maybe the work I have been doing to clear the channel through my being, to reconnect the chakras might be that work as described by the mystics.
Now that I number 9 or 12 chakras, the work has become easier.
I think the three parts of self are associated with the red chakra, which really is a three vibration. And so what are the three parts of myself? I intimately know maiden, mother, crone. I like body, spirit, soul. Then there is conscious, unconscious, dream selves. The triangle is the most stable of forms, and these threes give our red seat chakra stability. We are sitting in that meditative lotus position all the time.
I think we're talking about two different things...thank you for sparking this.
When you were discussing Freud vs Jung, it came to me that Freud used sex to connect, Jung sensed the collective unconscious and felt connected. And I would guess that Freud was sexually abused in some way. Just saying.
Perhaps we are also talking about two types of unconsciousness - using the same word for two separate phenomena. Perhaps we have the unconscious, forgotten memories of abuse and pain and violence. We shelter ourselves from pain too deep to bear with psychic scar tissue, which then blocks our normal daily functions. And we have the spiritually unconscious part of ourselves. I think we pull on a cape of forgetfullness when we are born. That part of us knows we are part of a whole, we are part of the collective unconscious. In early morning reverie, I sense this oneness and it fills my soul with joy and serenity.
Why are we trapped in this mass? So we can eat an orange. Or we can kiss a man. Or we can be awakened by our two year old grandson who is beaming, ready for the day and so happy to greet us once again. We are trapped here so we can meet and play and laugh and sing really loud.
I think it's amazing that we are both dreaming about leaping. I am so glad that I am leaping down a hill, and not down a fire tower. And I'm glad that not only did you ask for help, but you recognized the importance of asking for help. Methinks Rapunzel is coming down from that lonely tower!
I am trying to find my dream self and see who that self is in comparison to waking/walking Clare. Not sure if I am on the right track, or just playing!
I love you, and hope you sleep well and dream deep!
Clare
Or else I am going off in babble mode and confusing myself even more...We'll see if it makes sense.
All of the references to seven may refer to processing the journey through the chakras, as they have been traditionally numbered. (Which no longer makes sense to me.) I think maybe the work I have been doing to clear the channel through my being, to reconnect the chakras might be that work as described by the mystics.
Now that I number 9 or 12 chakras, the work has become easier.
I think the three parts of self are associated with the red chakra, which really is a three vibration. And so what are the three parts of myself? I intimately know maiden, mother, crone. I like body, spirit, soul. Then there is conscious, unconscious, dream selves. The triangle is the most stable of forms, and these threes give our red seat chakra stability. We are sitting in that meditative lotus position all the time.
I think we're talking about two different things...thank you for sparking this.
When you were discussing Freud vs Jung, it came to me that Freud used sex to connect, Jung sensed the collective unconscious and felt connected. And I would guess that Freud was sexually abused in some way. Just saying.
Perhaps we are also talking about two types of unconsciousness - using the same word for two separate phenomena. Perhaps we have the unconscious, forgotten memories of abuse and pain and violence. We shelter ourselves from pain too deep to bear with psychic scar tissue, which then blocks our normal daily functions. And we have the spiritually unconscious part of ourselves. I think we pull on a cape of forgetfullness when we are born. That part of us knows we are part of a whole, we are part of the collective unconscious. In early morning reverie, I sense this oneness and it fills my soul with joy and serenity.
Why are we trapped in this mass? So we can eat an orange. Or we can kiss a man. Or we can be awakened by our two year old grandson who is beaming, ready for the day and so happy to greet us once again. We are trapped here so we can meet and play and laugh and sing really loud.
I think it's amazing that we are both dreaming about leaping. I am so glad that I am leaping down a hill, and not down a fire tower. And I'm glad that not only did you ask for help, but you recognized the importance of asking for help. Methinks Rapunzel is coming down from that lonely tower!
I am trying to find my dream self and see who that self is in comparison to waking/walking Clare. Not sure if I am on the right track, or just playing!
I love you, and hope you sleep well and dream deep!
Clare
Monday, February 25, 2013
seven layers
We learned id, ego and superego, for instance. Another set is conscious self,
unconscious self and dream self. I have started wondering if the unconscious is
the abused self. I wonder if those instinctual, unknown, unrecognized responses
are from that spiritual scar tissue that protects us from what we experiences or
witnessed. I wonder if healthy people have less unconscious because they have
less to protect or to hide from.
I am not Freudian, so that's why I think Id, Ego, Superego fails to resonate with me. I prefer the Jungian collective unconscious...it feels more real to me. Where Freud laid the groundwork of the unconscious as sexually deviant and conflicted, Jung saw it as the connection to the spiritual world or realm. Jung thought that people could tap into that realm through dreams, while Freud used some dream analysis and associations made during psychotherapy but always to show sexual repressions. I have often wondered what his childhood was like to be so perverse and fixated on sexual tensions and dysfunctions.
So where does that place the scars from the abuse that we and so many carry?
I am thinking of the number seven...instead of three. Some of the great catholic mystics wrote and taught about seven story mountains and interior castles with seven layers. I think it is more complex than the three. I do wonder if, we lived un-scarred, we would need seven layers to work through to self-actualization (Jungian term)...or divine intimacy...
This is how St. Theresa of Avila's interior castles were described...
"...a most beautiful crystal globe, made in the shape of a castle, and containing seven mansions, in the seventh and innermost of which was the King of Glory, in the greatest splendour, illumining and beautifying them all. The nearer one got to the centre, the stronger was the light; outside the palace limits everything was foul, dark and infested with toads, vipers and other venomous creatures."
Thomas Merton's Seven Story Mountain originally began... "When a man is conceived, when a human nature comes into being as an individual, concrete, subsisting thing, a life, a person, then God's image is minted into the world. A free, vital, self-moving entity, a spirit informing flesh, a complex of energies ready to be set into fruitful motion begins to flame with love, without which no spirit can exist..."
I love that...but often wonder why we allow our soul energy to be repeatedly trapped in this mass...one day I will understand.
So, enough rambling, what do I think? I think the layers of the psyche are complex...too complex to be explained in 3 easy steps...but I do believe that at the deepest level we are all connected...that the collective unconscious is the one complete energy...all of us are a part of that whole...you might say it is the 'body of Christ'...and we are all of the pieces.
I had several dreams this week and I was determined to remember them...but cannot recall any except for a piece of one...
I was high on a staircase...it was metallic and switched back and forth, much like a fire tower, but it wasn't outside.
I was trying to descend, kept encountering obstacles.
One of the things that I remembered clearly was me climbing to the outside of the railing, trying to jump down a landing...to hurry the process...and being afraid...paralyzed by fear...but then I asked for help...and I was able to jump to the next, further down landing.
I asked for help...That's huge for me...I never openly admit to needing help.
I've been thinking about that for a few days.
Sorry for the ramblings.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am not Freudian, so that's why I think Id, Ego, Superego fails to resonate with me. I prefer the Jungian collective unconscious...it feels more real to me. Where Freud laid the groundwork of the unconscious as sexually deviant and conflicted, Jung saw it as the connection to the spiritual world or realm. Jung thought that people could tap into that realm through dreams, while Freud used some dream analysis and associations made during psychotherapy but always to show sexual repressions. I have often wondered what his childhood was like to be so perverse and fixated on sexual tensions and dysfunctions.
So where does that place the scars from the abuse that we and so many carry?
I am thinking of the number seven...instead of three. Some of the great catholic mystics wrote and taught about seven story mountains and interior castles with seven layers. I think it is more complex than the three. I do wonder if, we lived un-scarred, we would need seven layers to work through to self-actualization (Jungian term)...or divine intimacy...
This is how St. Theresa of Avila's interior castles were described...
"...a most beautiful crystal globe, made in the shape of a castle, and containing seven mansions, in the seventh and innermost of which was the King of Glory, in the greatest splendour, illumining and beautifying them all. The nearer one got to the centre, the stronger was the light; outside the palace limits everything was foul, dark and infested with toads, vipers and other venomous creatures."
Thomas Merton's Seven Story Mountain originally began... "When a man is conceived, when a human nature comes into being as an individual, concrete, subsisting thing, a life, a person, then God's image is minted into the world. A free, vital, self-moving entity, a spirit informing flesh, a complex of energies ready to be set into fruitful motion begins to flame with love, without which no spirit can exist..."
I love that...but often wonder why we allow our soul energy to be repeatedly trapped in this mass...one day I will understand.
So, enough rambling, what do I think? I think the layers of the psyche are complex...too complex to be explained in 3 easy steps...but I do believe that at the deepest level we are all connected...that the collective unconscious is the one complete energy...all of us are a part of that whole...you might say it is the 'body of Christ'...and we are all of the pieces.
I had several dreams this week and I was determined to remember them...but cannot recall any except for a piece of one...
I was high on a staircase...it was metallic and switched back and forth, much like a fire tower, but it wasn't outside.
I was trying to descend, kept encountering obstacles.
One of the things that I remembered clearly was me climbing to the outside of the railing, trying to jump down a landing...to hurry the process...and being afraid...paralyzed by fear...but then I asked for help...and I was able to jump to the next, further down landing.
I asked for help...That's huge for me...I never openly admit to needing help.
I've been thinking about that for a few days.
Sorry for the ramblings.
Love and Light,
Maggie
connections
I definitely think there is a connection between physical weight and spiritual weight, or perhaps spiritual burdens. I also think there is a connection between weight and wait. Some of us just sort of sit here waiting, maybe for the weight to be lifted...And your friend could have a broken heart. All those stories sort of erode our hearts and leave us weak and bleeding. I hope she has a warm, nurturing support system. We need healers with big hearts.
Personal comment - You speak the language, you will be heard.
Are we all living in different, overlapping fantasy worlds? Intriguing question. This question is the heart of the others you listed. Perception is so subjective. In many ways we are always alone. In many ways this Earth is our own unique creation. Yet there are truths, maybe way deeper than words, that we share. We don't know how to go there any more. But I think it's sort of what/where we are seeking in Quaker worship...
Just a thought, but what if the story were switched and an older man was holding a younger woman with wealth and ease, and she walked way from someone she truly loved in order to be supported. Would you have felt differently? Do you think you would have asked the same questions?
Our childhood was classic alcoholic drama - pretend we are fine. Anyone who thinks differently is a traitor and must be cast out. Those who chose to stay must accept the insanity. I accepted it long enough to recreate it.
I had a very social weekend. And I got to cook every day. My youngest had some friends over. I was at my desk trying to finish work, and they were on the floor in a semi-circle around my chair, talking to me. We had a family dinner for my youngest son's birthday. Everyone feels more connected than we used to be. Then we had a potluck with five of us, aged like 45 - 65. We talked about desperately needing a stronger connection to nature, and to others, and probably, maybe, possibly to each other.
One person who was here is an editor who volunteered to help someone with a project. As a result we all got to pre-read a chapter about shamanism. I am about half way through the chapter, and a thought occurred to me that I wanted your insight on. Traditionally therapists and philosophers have divided us into three parts. We learned id, ego and superego, for instance. Another set is conscious self, unconscious self and dream self. I have started wondering if the unconscious is the abused self. I wonder if those instinctual, unknown, unrecognized responses are from that spiritual scar tissue that protects us from what we experiences or witnessed. I wonder if healthy people have less unconscious because they have less to protect or to hide from.
Do you have any reaction to this? I know you are more classically connected to the deeper meaning of these terms...
I look forward to hearing your response.
Love you, Maggs-
Clare
Personal comment - You speak the language, you will be heard.
Are we all living in different, overlapping fantasy worlds? Intriguing question. This question is the heart of the others you listed. Perception is so subjective. In many ways we are always alone. In many ways this Earth is our own unique creation. Yet there are truths, maybe way deeper than words, that we share. We don't know how to go there any more. But I think it's sort of what/where we are seeking in Quaker worship...
Just a thought, but what if the story were switched and an older man was holding a younger woman with wealth and ease, and she walked way from someone she truly loved in order to be supported. Would you have felt differently? Do you think you would have asked the same questions?
Our childhood was classic alcoholic drama - pretend we are fine. Anyone who thinks differently is a traitor and must be cast out. Those who chose to stay must accept the insanity. I accepted it long enough to recreate it.
I had a very social weekend. And I got to cook every day. My youngest had some friends over. I was at my desk trying to finish work, and they were on the floor in a semi-circle around my chair, talking to me. We had a family dinner for my youngest son's birthday. Everyone feels more connected than we used to be. Then we had a potluck with five of us, aged like 45 - 65. We talked about desperately needing a stronger connection to nature, and to others, and probably, maybe, possibly to each other.
One person who was here is an editor who volunteered to help someone with a project. As a result we all got to pre-read a chapter about shamanism. I am about half way through the chapter, and a thought occurred to me that I wanted your insight on. Traditionally therapists and philosophers have divided us into three parts. We learned id, ego and superego, for instance. Another set is conscious self, unconscious self and dream self. I have started wondering if the unconscious is the abused self. I wonder if those instinctual, unknown, unrecognized responses are from that spiritual scar tissue that protects us from what we experiences or witnessed. I wonder if healthy people have less unconscious because they have less to protect or to hide from.
Do you have any reaction to this? I know you are more classically connected to the deeper meaning of these terms...
I look forward to hearing your response.
Love you, Maggs-
Clare
Sunday, February 24, 2013
lessons from the theater
The weight that she referred to was spiritual weight...not physical weight...although a wise friend once told me that she insulates herself with extra pounds...she is definitely a healer who hears many traumatic life stories...last time I spoke with her she said that her doctor is afraid that she is going to have a heart attack...but if she hasn't experienced a broken heart by now then nothing can injure that heart...she is an exceptional person.
So did you talk of shamanism? Did you gain any insight?
I am going to do as much preparation work on this project and then, within the next few weeks make an appointment or two to get professional insights. Then I will take it to a senator that I briefly did some research for. Hopefully she will hear me/us. I want to build a coalition of various service providers to back me up (maybe join me). It's a lot, but if I take it one step at a time I can get it accomplished. At least I will plant the seeds of prevention.
I saw a local theater production today with daughter #2...we had fun...but the production was not great. I just didn't like the show...the talent was there...just a mediocre story. It was about an aging actress who is a recluse...but her butler (really her first husband) makes her think she is still remembered in Hollywood. She falls for a much younger man and basically traps him into a relationship by offering him a luxurious home and no worries...but he has to give up true love to stay there. His weakness is obvious...when he finally decides to leave the old woman shoots him in the back.
So what does this say about life?
That we are all living in different, overlapping fantasy worlds?
That deception for the sake of survival is acceptable?
That it is OK to trap another human being because we are attached, even if it makes them miserable? (I don't even treat my animals that way)
I can see parallels to this story and my life...our family lived in fantasy worlds, pretending that everything was good and wholesome.
I can say that I buried the secrets of our past in order to survive.
The blessing of our story is that we are escaping the trap without anyone being killed...nearly killed, but not successful.
So a man in front of me today spoke of forgiveness in Meeting...his words touched me deeply.
I have to do some homework with the boys...
Love and Light,
Maggie
So did you talk of shamanism? Did you gain any insight?
I am going to do as much preparation work on this project and then, within the next few weeks make an appointment or two to get professional insights. Then I will take it to a senator that I briefly did some research for. Hopefully she will hear me/us. I want to build a coalition of various service providers to back me up (maybe join me). It's a lot, but if I take it one step at a time I can get it accomplished. At least I will plant the seeds of prevention.
I saw a local theater production today with daughter #2...we had fun...but the production was not great. I just didn't like the show...the talent was there...just a mediocre story. It was about an aging actress who is a recluse...but her butler (really her first husband) makes her think she is still remembered in Hollywood. She falls for a much younger man and basically traps him into a relationship by offering him a luxurious home and no worries...but he has to give up true love to stay there. His weakness is obvious...when he finally decides to leave the old woman shoots him in the back.
So what does this say about life?
That we are all living in different, overlapping fantasy worlds?
That deception for the sake of survival is acceptable?
That it is OK to trap another human being because we are attached, even if it makes them miserable? (I don't even treat my animals that way)
I can see parallels to this story and my life...our family lived in fantasy worlds, pretending that everything was good and wholesome.
I can say that I buried the secrets of our past in order to survive.
The blessing of our story is that we are escaping the trap without anyone being killed...nearly killed, but not successful.
So a man in front of me today spoke of forgiveness in Meeting...his words touched me deeply.
I have to do some homework with the boys...
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, February 22, 2013
Feel it, heal it
Random quote of the day:
What you feel, you can heal.
There was no credit, just this quote. And it sang to me. What you feel, you can heal - so first we must remember what it is like to feel. I have been numb/numbing for so long, that sometimes I miss the feelings. I think they are there, but I don't quite know what they are. Learning to cry has helped. And thawing has been a blast - especially if it means I can begin defying gravity! So maybe the increased amount of feeling will lead to some more healing and softening.
Carolyn Myss' quote - does that mean I am still waiting...the fact that I hide behind my weight...or inside myself? How will I know when I am done waiting? We know how infinitely patient I can be.
I like your inspiration. Education is always a benefit. And working on a problem from as many angles as possible is a great strategy. So, go for it. Begin unraveling the strategy, making sense of where you want to take it and who needs to power it. If you are being led - trust yourself and go. You know you're on the right path.
I also like your active forgiveness exercise. I am not sure who I still blame for what. Lately I have been feeling so Light, that I accept everyone.
It's so nice that your daughter is home for the weekend. What a nice surprise. I hope you all have a lot of joy together. We are having a birthday dinner tomorrow. And on Sunday a group of "like-minded" folk are coming here for dinner - some old friends, some I haven't met yet. I think we are all alternative healers who want the world to be different. And the word shamanism has been mentioned. We'll see what happens.
I have to work tomorrow morning, so I should sleep...I hope I sleep...
With love to you and yours...Clare
What you feel, you can heal.
There was no credit, just this quote. And it sang to me. What you feel, you can heal - so first we must remember what it is like to feel. I have been numb/numbing for so long, that sometimes I miss the feelings. I think they are there, but I don't quite know what they are. Learning to cry has helped. And thawing has been a blast - especially if it means I can begin defying gravity! So maybe the increased amount of feeling will lead to some more healing and softening.
Carolyn Myss' quote - does that mean I am still waiting...the fact that I hide behind my weight...or inside myself? How will I know when I am done waiting? We know how infinitely patient I can be.
I like your inspiration. Education is always a benefit. And working on a problem from as many angles as possible is a great strategy. So, go for it. Begin unraveling the strategy, making sense of where you want to take it and who needs to power it. If you are being led - trust yourself and go. You know you're on the right path.
I also like your active forgiveness exercise. I am not sure who I still blame for what. Lately I have been feeling so Light, that I accept everyone.
It's so nice that your daughter is home for the weekend. What a nice surprise. I hope you all have a lot of joy together. We are having a birthday dinner tomorrow. And on Sunday a group of "like-minded" folk are coming here for dinner - some old friends, some I haven't met yet. I think we are all alternative healers who want the world to be different. And the word shamanism has been mentioned. We'll see what happens.
I have to work tomorrow morning, so I should sleep...I hope I sleep...
With love to you and yours...Clare
forgiveness
Interesting insights...that is interesting that we both had similar ideas about Mom.
So today daughter #1 came home to surprise her Dad for his birthday tomorrow...he nearly cried when she came into the room. So tomorrow we are going to daughter #2's student play festival and then celebrating his birthday...The girls had alot of personality conflict over the Christmas break...they just couldn't get in sync...
Today I had an inspiration...I was talking about the lack of sexuality education in our schools...and the fact that we also need to teach relationship skills to decrease intimate partner violence and other types of violence...so I decided to try to advocate for a bill that will require appropriate sexual ed. and relationship skills as a primary preventive attempt. I talked with one of the lobbyist at my internship and she is directing me so that I can develop a strategy to work from. I need to do alot of research and also get to know who would be amenable to sponsoring this bill...but it makes alot of sense. What do you think? I did some research for a state senator this past summer, so I think I will begin with her.
I have decided to actively work on forgiveness.
To break the habits that keep me blaming others for my problems.
Years ago this journey started with an inspired phrase, I forgive you, will you forgive me too?
Certainly not forget the lessons that were learned traumatically...but I am choosing to let go of the blame that I've been clutching, clinging to.
I remember Carolyn Myss saying that "the more weight you carry the longer you will have to wait"... I also remember her saying that as long as you allow parts of your soul to be invested or caught up by others you cannot be whole.
So I believe it is time to reclaim my pieces and regain peace, wholeness, Shalom.
It is challenging...
I've been consciously trying to do this for 2 days now and I find myself slipping back into blame mode...it's their fault that I have these issues...
So I am trying to catch myself as quickly as possible and actively change my thought process to surrendering it to the Light...trying to understand that we all have issues to deal with...and I can only change my own habits and thoughts...So I am trying...I will persist until I am able to put everything negative behind, leave it in the past, and move, unencumbered into each day. As I think about this I am imagining the swamp clearing and becoming a life-spring. That's the future...and hopefully it will be my present soon enough.
Love and Light,
Maggie
So today daughter #1 came home to surprise her Dad for his birthday tomorrow...he nearly cried when she came into the room. So tomorrow we are going to daughter #2's student play festival and then celebrating his birthday...The girls had alot of personality conflict over the Christmas break...they just couldn't get in sync...
Today I had an inspiration...I was talking about the lack of sexuality education in our schools...and the fact that we also need to teach relationship skills to decrease intimate partner violence and other types of violence...so I decided to try to advocate for a bill that will require appropriate sexual ed. and relationship skills as a primary preventive attempt. I talked with one of the lobbyist at my internship and she is directing me so that I can develop a strategy to work from. I need to do alot of research and also get to know who would be amenable to sponsoring this bill...but it makes alot of sense. What do you think? I did some research for a state senator this past summer, so I think I will begin with her.
I have decided to actively work on forgiveness.
To break the habits that keep me blaming others for my problems.
Years ago this journey started with an inspired phrase, I forgive you, will you forgive me too?
Certainly not forget the lessons that were learned traumatically...but I am choosing to let go of the blame that I've been clutching, clinging to.
I remember Carolyn Myss saying that "the more weight you carry the longer you will have to wait"... I also remember her saying that as long as you allow parts of your soul to be invested or caught up by others you cannot be whole.
So I believe it is time to reclaim my pieces and regain peace, wholeness, Shalom.
It is challenging...
I've been consciously trying to do this for 2 days now and I find myself slipping back into blame mode...it's their fault that I have these issues...
So I am trying to catch myself as quickly as possible and actively change my thought process to surrendering it to the Light...trying to understand that we all have issues to deal with...and I can only change my own habits and thoughts...So I am trying...I will persist until I am able to put everything negative behind, leave it in the past, and move, unencumbered into each day. As I think about this I am imagining the swamp clearing and becoming a life-spring. That's the future...and hopefully it will be my present soon enough.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Synchronicity
I would love to play in May. That gives me something fun to look forward to. And thinking about play will be a good lead up to the real thing!
I have not seen the Vagina Monologues. I would like to. I do love the synchronicity of your day. Being in the right time and place to receive and share messages show that you are doing the right thing! I know the Me, toos are everywhere. They are all of us, male and female. We are all in pain and wishing we could share so we are not alone any more. And I think the Me, toos are compassionate, understanding that abuse does not happen because we are bad or because we deserve it. Me, toos are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Looking at statistics, though, I think there are many more wrong places than right places.
But we'll change that! You already are.
What I remember is being 18, and working in the hospital as a nurse's aide. I worked there for about 6 months before I went to college. One night I heard some of the medical professionals go off about rabbits who bred every year. I realized he was talking about families like ours. Then I realized that this arrogance was probably the reason Mom had her hysterectomy. Someone decided to take it upon themselves to stop her. I have never had reason to change this supposition. Interesting that you came to the same conclusion.'
My stomach is upset tonight, so I think I will go to bed early.
I love you,
Sleep well,
Clare
I have not seen the Vagina Monologues. I would like to. I do love the synchronicity of your day. Being in the right time and place to receive and share messages show that you are doing the right thing! I know the Me, toos are everywhere. They are all of us, male and female. We are all in pain and wishing we could share so we are not alone any more. And I think the Me, toos are compassionate, understanding that abuse does not happen because we are bad or because we deserve it. Me, toos are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Looking at statistics, though, I think there are many more wrong places than right places.
But we'll change that! You already are.
What I remember is being 18, and working in the hospital as a nurse's aide. I worked there for about 6 months before I went to college. One night I heard some of the medical professionals go off about rabbits who bred every year. I realized he was talking about families like ours. Then I realized that this arrogance was probably the reason Mom had her hysterectomy. Someone decided to take it upon themselves to stop her. I have never had reason to change this supposition. Interesting that you came to the same conclusion.'
My stomach is upset tonight, so I think I will go to bed early.
I love you,
Sleep well,
Clare
A Good Day
Maybe we could name our visit..."Play in May"...that would be great. I like the sound of playing in the creek...and hopping...
I think that the point of all of this play is that we never did it as kids and so we need to find it within us now...to open up the channels...
Today was interesting...I had a phone call from the domestic violence shelter during lab...So I took it.
She told me that my university is producing The Vagina Monologues and needed some contact information...well that triggered a very interesting discussion with the students about violence being normal...part of human-ness...that was the perspective of several of the inner-city students...I shared my ideas that violence is not normal...it is habitual but not normal and that every time they are faced with a situation of conflict they have a choice and one of those choices is to walk away. They told me I was Gandhi-like...what a compliment.
I shared the statistics of interpersonal violence...1/3 women are sexually abused before 18, 1/4 women will be victims of domestic violence...it is prevalent but definitely not normal.
There are 3 women in the class and two of them disclosed being physically abused by boyfriends I took the opportunity to share that I had been sexually abused as a child by family. We shared a Me Too moment! I encouraged all of them to come to Take Back the Night and stand together against violence particularly between people who are supposed to cherish each other. Their reaction was amazing. I had always pictures either pity or disgust...but they wanted to know more...
not details but,
how it affects you?..
how do we stop it from happening?
isn't there "woman on man violence"?
very thoughtful...very compassionate...not a hint of pity...
definitely a good step towards opening up.
So when I got home I emailed the DV shelter and told them that if they needed people to perform in the Vagina Monologues I would be happy to do it...I think that is a good move.
I'll let you know what develops.
I gave my Ethics of female reproductive rights program last night...It was good...
we had alot of really good discussion...
they received the material well...
alot of sharing...
One woman shared that she had a client who had 7 babies right in a row...
and it did not matter what they told her, she would not use birth control...
she was questioning the woman's judgement, but respected her opinion...
I found myself sharing, in a covert way our mother's experience...
I believe that the doctors did the hysterectomy for an abnormal PAP that was most likely not indicated...I don't believe that the PAP was advanced enough to indicate hysterectomy...I may be wrong, but deep inside I think they recommended it because she just kept having kids. Do you remember anything about that time? I am just curious...it is more an intuition, but it has lingered with me a long time.
I am off to see daughter #2 perform at her college.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
I think that the point of all of this play is that we never did it as kids and so we need to find it within us now...to open up the channels...
Today was interesting...I had a phone call from the domestic violence shelter during lab...So I took it.
She told me that my university is producing The Vagina Monologues and needed some contact information...well that triggered a very interesting discussion with the students about violence being normal...part of human-ness...that was the perspective of several of the inner-city students...I shared my ideas that violence is not normal...it is habitual but not normal and that every time they are faced with a situation of conflict they have a choice and one of those choices is to walk away. They told me I was Gandhi-like...what a compliment.
I shared the statistics of interpersonal violence...1/3 women are sexually abused before 18, 1/4 women will be victims of domestic violence...it is prevalent but definitely not normal.
There are 3 women in the class and two of them disclosed being physically abused by boyfriends I took the opportunity to share that I had been sexually abused as a child by family. We shared a Me Too moment! I encouraged all of them to come to Take Back the Night and stand together against violence particularly between people who are supposed to cherish each other. Their reaction was amazing. I had always pictures either pity or disgust...but they wanted to know more...
not details but,
how it affects you?..
how do we stop it from happening?
isn't there "woman on man violence"?
very thoughtful...very compassionate...not a hint of pity...
definitely a good step towards opening up.
So when I got home I emailed the DV shelter and told them that if they needed people to perform in the Vagina Monologues I would be happy to do it...I think that is a good move.
I'll let you know what develops.
I gave my Ethics of female reproductive rights program last night...It was good...
we had alot of really good discussion...
they received the material well...
alot of sharing...
One woman shared that she had a client who had 7 babies right in a row...
and it did not matter what they told her, she would not use birth control...
she was questioning the woman's judgement, but respected her opinion...
I found myself sharing, in a covert way our mother's experience...
I believe that the doctors did the hysterectomy for an abnormal PAP that was most likely not indicated...I don't believe that the PAP was advanced enough to indicate hysterectomy...I may be wrong, but deep inside I think they recommended it because she just kept having kids. Do you remember anything about that time? I am just curious...it is more an intuition, but it has lingered with me a long time.
I am off to see daughter #2 perform at her college.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
And leap!
The work you have been doing recently, the connections you have been making, have been astounding. I see you walking in the correct direction, open to whomever you find along your path. It seems you are functioning from faith, from your heart.
The one thought that came to me is that it is very hard to learn to be childlike when you never had a chance to practice when you were a child. I have a Friend who does international trauma recovery work. She does a somewhat local workshop on occasion which I would love to join. So far that hasn't happened. What she is learning is that she can heal some of the trauma of the people she works with through play. She gets the adults to play and it restores something in them.
When you come in May, I suggest we play. Maybe we need to brainstorm on all the different facets of play...playing Scrabble, playing guitar come to mind immediately. Playing in the creek...How playful is your younger daughter? I have often wondered about the benefits of theater...plays all the time!
I find that I am less worried than I used to be, But then, alone at night, sometimes I pick up my mantle of worry and wrap myself. Something a little insane in me thinks I am not protecting my children if I don't spend time worrying. I am trying to accept that part of me and laugh at it - lovingly laugh at it with acceptance...I am trying to stop berating myself...
So I listened to Defying Gravity a few times last night and the song is stuck in my brain. I never knew the song before, I just knew the title fit my recent mental explorations.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
These lyrics fit. I want to leap - even if it is just bunny hops six inches long.
Today it is cold and windy with a loooooooow wind chill. No walking outside, no jumping down the hills.
Tomorrow, maybe!
I love you!!
Clare
The one thought that came to me is that it is very hard to learn to be childlike when you never had a chance to practice when you were a child. I have a Friend who does international trauma recovery work. She does a somewhat local workshop on occasion which I would love to join. So far that hasn't happened. What she is learning is that she can heal some of the trauma of the people she works with through play. She gets the adults to play and it restores something in them.
When you come in May, I suggest we play. Maybe we need to brainstorm on all the different facets of play...playing Scrabble, playing guitar come to mind immediately. Playing in the creek...How playful is your younger daughter? I have often wondered about the benefits of theater...plays all the time!
I find that I am less worried than I used to be, But then, alone at night, sometimes I pick up my mantle of worry and wrap myself. Something a little insane in me thinks I am not protecting my children if I don't spend time worrying. I am trying to accept that part of me and laugh at it - lovingly laugh at it with acceptance...I am trying to stop berating myself...
So I listened to Defying Gravity a few times last night and the song is stuck in my brain. I never knew the song before, I just knew the title fit my recent mental explorations.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
These lyrics fit. I want to leap - even if it is just bunny hops six inches long.
Today it is cold and windy with a loooooooow wind chill. No walking outside, no jumping down the hills.
Tomorrow, maybe!
I love you!!
Clare
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
being as a child
One of the repetitive pieces of wisdom that I have been receiving this past year is to allow myself to be childlike...
to see as a child does
to play as a child does
to love as a child does...
I am trying...
I am less vigilant and worrisome than I used to be.
I am less afraid that someone is going to hurt me or, more importantly, one of my kids.
I am more open...allowing more people to see glimpses of me.
And I am allowing myself to step out into the open with the possibility of rejection...
and I am still out there...not totally vulnerable...but more than I have ever been
I wonder if this melting that you are experiencing is going to reshape you...in many possible ways...
I can't wait to see the results.
How do I fly in dreams?
I run really fast on a downward slope...and suddenly I just lift off...a little at first but then higher...I never "soar". The thing that I recall most easily is the amazing feeling of freedom and lightness.
It's like when I let myself float in the water...completely free of the weight and mass of my body...kind-of like being a spirit.
I have to pick up son #2...
Until tomorrow...
Love and Light,
Maggie
to see as a child does
to play as a child does
to love as a child does...
I am trying...
I am less vigilant and worrisome than I used to be.
I am less afraid that someone is going to hurt me or, more importantly, one of my kids.
I am more open...allowing more people to see glimpses of me.
And I am allowing myself to step out into the open with the possibility of rejection...
and I am still out there...not totally vulnerable...but more than I have ever been
I wonder if this melting that you are experiencing is going to reshape you...in many possible ways...
I can't wait to see the results.
How do I fly in dreams?
I run really fast on a downward slope...and suddenly I just lift off...a little at first but then higher...I never "soar". The thing that I recall most easily is the amazing feeling of freedom and lightness.
It's like when I let myself float in the water...completely free of the weight and mass of my body...kind-of like being a spirit.
I have to pick up son #2...
Until tomorrow...
Love and Light,
Maggie
Cherish - Cherished - Cherishing
People encourage me to speak. During many meetings - committee meetings, business meetings - I listen, I try to listen deeply. Eventually someone asks what I am thinking. When I am ready, though, I speak. I want to be one of those Friends who can be expected to say something worth hearing. Another thing, though, is that I cherish the silence. I hate rippling through it when it's possible to drown in the stillness for an hour. You do go through the traditionally described emotions/reactions before channeling Spirit. It always amazes and delights me that the feelings are the same now as they were hundreds of years ago. That shows such a deep and human truth. I wonder if the same thing happens to those who have shamanism as a spiritual practice.
I also feel like a nagging Friend. When I get a leading, I am willing to gently follow it for years. I think my meeting sort of dreads/treasures me!
You make me sound romantic - skipping down hills, laughing until crying. Rather what you would see is a middle-aged woman doing a silly bunny-hop on a dirt road. I did it again today. Then I stretched my legs and ran for a very short distance, trying to sort of leap. I feel awkward and graceless. But in my dreams...in my dreams...ever since I was young - I remember the dreams as early as 8 years old...I would walk and roll off my toes, sort of, and then I would start bouncing, until I was flying, occasionally landing, just to push off with my toes and be air-bound again. There is such joy and freedom. Nowadays, I am dreaming a lot about leaping down hills - taking long, graceful arcs through the air. So I wanted to feel it with my body.
I have asked many people how they fly in dreams. I have heard many answers - but none were like mine. So, Maggie, do you fly in your dreams? How do you fly?
As I bunny-hopped today, I laughed at my awkward self, and decided I need to learn to sing Defying Gravity! But then, the separation between graceful, dreaming self and daily bonk-around-the house self reared before me and I thought of a beautiful song called Engie's Waltz (Number 10 on the play list below...actually this is one of the best collections I have ever listened to me. If you have time, it will touch you.) The song is about the young dancing woman still inside the old woman. That dream self is inside of me. I have something beautiful inside me...Typing these words while listening to the waltz is bringing tears. How do I let that beautiful, graceful, strong self emerge? I want to be her...I want to be more me, more myself...
http://www.mollyscott.com/AOL/index.html
Believing yourself when you say I love you is a great step forward. You are recognizing the truth, and it will be there to niggle into you as you thaw...which has begun. I think the love is deeper into you than you may know yet...Just a feeling.
Ireland would be exciting. I have an old friend who has done political activism in Northern Ireland. As a result I wrote a feature article about some of the men who have escaped and remade their lives here. It was eye-opening. Amazing stories of a violent system and resilient people who want to survive and live and love. A strong point for me, was that the root of many of the problems was that the King of England decided people who did not share the faith were not people, and so he claimed their land and gave it to his followers - the obedient. Now, 500 - 600 years later we have a group with ties of hundreds of years vying still trying to disempower people with thousands of years of connection to the land. The exact same thing happened here. The Iroquois people (to use a European term) were not seen as being humans, and so The King of England gave out land to those who are obedient to violence. We have the same problems, the same violence, the same international problems in my backyard.
It's the same violence over and over...
Gotta go sing...
I love you...as you thaw, I know you believe me!!
Clare
I also feel like a nagging Friend. When I get a leading, I am willing to gently follow it for years. I think my meeting sort of dreads/treasures me!
You make me sound romantic - skipping down hills, laughing until crying. Rather what you would see is a middle-aged woman doing a silly bunny-hop on a dirt road. I did it again today. Then I stretched my legs and ran for a very short distance, trying to sort of leap. I feel awkward and graceless. But in my dreams...in my dreams...ever since I was young - I remember the dreams as early as 8 years old...I would walk and roll off my toes, sort of, and then I would start bouncing, until I was flying, occasionally landing, just to push off with my toes and be air-bound again. There is such joy and freedom. Nowadays, I am dreaming a lot about leaping down hills - taking long, graceful arcs through the air. So I wanted to feel it with my body.
I have asked many people how they fly in dreams. I have heard many answers - but none were like mine. So, Maggie, do you fly in your dreams? How do you fly?
As I bunny-hopped today, I laughed at my awkward self, and decided I need to learn to sing Defying Gravity! But then, the separation between graceful, dreaming self and daily bonk-around-the house self reared before me and I thought of a beautiful song called Engie's Waltz (Number 10 on the play list below...actually this is one of the best collections I have ever listened to me. If you have time, it will touch you.) The song is about the young dancing woman still inside the old woman. That dream self is inside of me. I have something beautiful inside me...Typing these words while listening to the waltz is bringing tears. How do I let that beautiful, graceful, strong self emerge? I want to be her...I want to be more me, more myself...
http://www.mollyscott.com/AOL/index.html
Believing yourself when you say I love you is a great step forward. You are recognizing the truth, and it will be there to niggle into you as you thaw...which has begun. I think the love is deeper into you than you may know yet...Just a feeling.
Ireland would be exciting. I have an old friend who has done political activism in Northern Ireland. As a result I wrote a feature article about some of the men who have escaped and remade their lives here. It was eye-opening. Amazing stories of a violent system and resilient people who want to survive and live and love. A strong point for me, was that the root of many of the problems was that the King of England decided people who did not share the faith were not people, and so he claimed their land and gave it to his followers - the obedient. Now, 500 - 600 years later we have a group with ties of hundreds of years vying still trying to disempower people with thousands of years of connection to the land. The exact same thing happened here. The Iroquois people (to use a European term) were not seen as being humans, and so The King of England gave out land to those who are obedient to violence. We have the same problems, the same violence, the same international problems in my backyard.
It's the same violence over and over...
Gotta go sing...
I love you...as you thaw, I know you believe me!!
Clare
Monday, February 18, 2013
interesting week
Unfortunately I did not see Thunder...it was snowing and blowing sideways ...that usually makes them uneasy...so we postponed for a calmer day...but I really feel as if I should see him...that usually means some thing's up with him or one of his herd...I will have to visit.
It's interesting that you have not spoken in Meeting...you have such insight and a way with words...
About 2 years into attending (I think) I had a leading to speak...I had the idea...let it play in my mind for a while...it was persistent...and became more so as time went on...as this progressed I was suppressing the words...telling myself I shouldn't speak...it wasn't my place...I was only an attender...and I had a very clear message, "would you deny me this?" I can't remember the message...I can't even recall the topic...but I will always remember being asked that question from within. I have spoken several times...each time is similar...the idea comes...becomes more persistent...and my body begins to shiver and shake...I am a Quaker.
So this is a big week for me. Daughter #1 had her culminating activity for her fundraiser... your alma mater raised $12 million this year...she is thrilled.
Daughter #2 is in a play all week...she's been the asst. stage manager and has a role...she goes right into production of another play next week...when this one finishes.
The boys are just being themselves...lovable and frustrating at the same time.
Today I helped do a presentation about advocating to legislators...it was a good experience.
I got to talk with several people who I truly admire...I also had the opportunity to speak with the Dean of my school and I took the opportunity to tell him how much I'd love to teach for his program and the unique perspective that I brought with me. I also talked with one of the professors who said that perhaps I could do research with her...she's interested in international issues...particularly the high stress environment of Ireland...she lived there for 11 years...she thinks we could do some of my bio-psycho-social research there...what an interesting idea.
Wednesday I am doing the presentation about the ethical considerations of female reproductive health rights...and I have to make sure that i keep it informational...not step into either the conservative or liberal arenas...that will be a tough balancing act...but I have thought about how I might get sidetracked in order to prepare to get myself back on course if I should stray. I am amazed that i am this excited about teaching professionals. It's a good place to be.
Today I was trying to identify how my life is different after I had that discussion last weekend with husband...I have to say that now when I say, "I love you"...I believe it more than before...I am not yet feeling it...but I believe myself...I guess that's progress.
I want to skip down the hills and laugh until I cry...what a great image.
I've got to get some sleep. I love you.
Light and blessings,
Maggie
It's interesting that you have not spoken in Meeting...you have such insight and a way with words...
About 2 years into attending (I think) I had a leading to speak...I had the idea...let it play in my mind for a while...it was persistent...and became more so as time went on...as this progressed I was suppressing the words...telling myself I shouldn't speak...it wasn't my place...I was only an attender...and I had a very clear message, "would you deny me this?" I can't remember the message...I can't even recall the topic...but I will always remember being asked that question from within. I have spoken several times...each time is similar...the idea comes...becomes more persistent...and my body begins to shiver and shake...I am a Quaker.
So this is a big week for me. Daughter #1 had her culminating activity for her fundraiser... your alma mater raised $12 million this year...she is thrilled.
Daughter #2 is in a play all week...she's been the asst. stage manager and has a role...she goes right into production of another play next week...when this one finishes.
The boys are just being themselves...lovable and frustrating at the same time.
Today I helped do a presentation about advocating to legislators...it was a good experience.
I got to talk with several people who I truly admire...I also had the opportunity to speak with the Dean of my school and I took the opportunity to tell him how much I'd love to teach for his program and the unique perspective that I brought with me. I also talked with one of the professors who said that perhaps I could do research with her...she's interested in international issues...particularly the high stress environment of Ireland...she lived there for 11 years...she thinks we could do some of my bio-psycho-social research there...what an interesting idea.
Wednesday I am doing the presentation about the ethical considerations of female reproductive health rights...and I have to make sure that i keep it informational...not step into either the conservative or liberal arenas...that will be a tough balancing act...but I have thought about how I might get sidetracked in order to prepare to get myself back on course if I should stray. I am amazed that i am this excited about teaching professionals. It's a good place to be.
Today I was trying to identify how my life is different after I had that discussion last weekend with husband...I have to say that now when I say, "I love you"...I believe it more than before...I am not yet feeling it...but I believe myself...I guess that's progress.
I want to skip down the hills and laugh until I cry...what a great image.
I've got to get some sleep. I love you.
Light and blessings,
Maggie
Leaping - well, hopping, sort of...
I have been a Friend, either an attender or a member for almost 26 years. I have not spoken in worship. One of those strong Quaker matriarchs, who is my role-model, once said she went to worship for 27 years before she spoke out of the silence. Of course, I think she was a birthright Friend. But she gave me permission not to speak. I have only felt the leading twice. Once, when I resisted, someone else stood up and delivered the message. That was a true leading. But I don't trust myself. I took an eldering workshop, though, and realized I ground the meeting. I go deep, and anchor worship. It was nice to understand who I am. Because I don't have a car, I don't get to worship often these days. Once I am rolling again, I will head down to you and go to any or all of the demonstrations. It makes me feel alive to be part of a group.
One of my formerly Catholic Friends once said that if we take Catholicism and strip away all of the outward-ness, we are left with Quakers. He said these were the two mystical groups. I liked that.
I love the interpretation of the Beatitudes that you brought here. I like that we are asked to do something, to participate, to ask to be involved, even to initiate our request for healing. It is so much more satisfying that being the meek, waiting to inherit something, anything someday if we are patient and meek enough. In a lot of ways, I think I have been waiting for it to be my turn for my whole life. But I still have the, "That's okay, you go first. I'll just wait..." kind of politeness. I need to figure out how to be assertive while still being nice.
Upon rereading, I see you said it better than I did --- not stagnantly waiting...
Your last paragraph reminded me of a realization I had years ago. Humans are flexible and constantly evolving. One of the best parts of Quakerism, for me, is continuing revelation - Spirit continue to speak to each of us as long as we bother to listen. I noticed that once a teacher or a leader had The Way to do things, and The Way became concrete, evolution was no longer possible. And then the practice became ritual without meaning, and a way to control followers. As soon as anything becomes concrete, I politely excuse myself.
Today's whimsy...in my dreams, I often begin to hop, then leap down the hill I live on. I tried that today when I was walking. I felt like a two year old just learning how to hop. I was remarkably uncoordinated. I made myself laugh. I felt like a fool, but it's fun to be foolish! And so far, that's just a dream maneuver...but it feels so real!
Did you see Thunder?
Love you sweetie,
Clare
One of my formerly Catholic Friends once said that if we take Catholicism and strip away all of the outward-ness, we are left with Quakers. He said these were the two mystical groups. I liked that.
I love the interpretation of the Beatitudes that you brought here. I like that we are asked to do something, to participate, to ask to be involved, even to initiate our request for healing. It is so much more satisfying that being the meek, waiting to inherit something, anything someday if we are patient and meek enough. In a lot of ways, I think I have been waiting for it to be my turn for my whole life. But I still have the, "That's okay, you go first. I'll just wait..." kind of politeness. I need to figure out how to be assertive while still being nice.
Upon rereading, I see you said it better than I did --- not stagnantly waiting...
Your last paragraph reminded me of a realization I had years ago. Humans are flexible and constantly evolving. One of the best parts of Quakerism, for me, is continuing revelation - Spirit continue to speak to each of us as long as we bother to listen. I noticed that once a teacher or a leader had The Way to do things, and The Way became concrete, evolution was no longer possible. And then the practice became ritual without meaning, and a way to control followers. As soon as anything becomes concrete, I politely excuse myself.
Today's whimsy...in my dreams, I often begin to hop, then leap down the hill I live on. I tried that today when I was walking. I felt like a two year old just learning how to hop. I was remarkably uncoordinated. I made myself laugh. I felt like a fool, but it's fun to be foolish! And so far, that's just a dream maneuver...but it feels so real!
Did you see Thunder?
Love you sweetie,
Clare
Sunday, February 17, 2013
some random thoughts today
I went to Meeting today...it was a good experience.
One man read an essay by a young Swedish Quaker. He put into words very simply what I have felt for years. He said that he was drawn to Quakerism because of the balance between introverted mysticism and extroverted activism. That's what drew me and what keeps me in my spiritual home.
I spoke...I don't speak very often...I spoke of those who are gathering in Washington DC today to nonviolently protest the XL Pipeline and ask for more protections for our environment. I wanted to go to DC today...I even asked students if they wanted to go with me...but, I didn't...not sure what stopped me...but I have been with them in spirit today...and I am holding our legislators in the Light that they might step beyond their special interests and PACs and hear what the people are saying...pay attention please.
I have been reading the Gospel of Mary Magdalene again. I love to read it...and the explanations by LeLoup. He describes the beatitudes...and offers an alternative translation to the "Blessed are the...".
He suggests that the same word can be translated as "walk forth". That the beatitudes are a call to action, not a passive blessing. He specifically writes, "Walk forth, you who weep, for you shall be consoled"...he goes on to explain, " To mourn authentically is to accept that what is past is past, an indispensable condition for going further. This does not mean we should refrain from tears or other emotions, but that we are not to indulge in them. It means to pass through them, walking forth toward a higher serenity and more sensitive maturity."
To me this passage explains or summarizes our journey we are walking through the emotions...one by one...painfully beginning to feel and process them. But we are moving forward...not just stagnantly waiting for a miracle or life to end. Our desire to feel and regain wholeness and health pushes us forward on this quest...this path that we are traveling. We are moving...that means we are alive.
There is another short passage that took my breath away...because it describes my faith.
Be vigilant, and allow no one to mislead you by saying:
"Here it is!" or
"There it is!"
For it is within you
that the Son of Man dwells.
Go to him,
for those who seek him,
Find him.
I want to watch the TED talk that you suggested, I just haven't gotten to that yet.
Peace and Blessings,
Maggie
One man read an essay by a young Swedish Quaker. He put into words very simply what I have felt for years. He said that he was drawn to Quakerism because of the balance between introverted mysticism and extroverted activism. That's what drew me and what keeps me in my spiritual home.
I spoke...I don't speak very often...I spoke of those who are gathering in Washington DC today to nonviolently protest the XL Pipeline and ask for more protections for our environment. I wanted to go to DC today...I even asked students if they wanted to go with me...but, I didn't...not sure what stopped me...but I have been with them in spirit today...and I am holding our legislators in the Light that they might step beyond their special interests and PACs and hear what the people are saying...pay attention please.
I have been reading the Gospel of Mary Magdalene again. I love to read it...and the explanations by LeLoup. He describes the beatitudes...and offers an alternative translation to the "Blessed are the...".
He suggests that the same word can be translated as "walk forth". That the beatitudes are a call to action, not a passive blessing. He specifically writes, "Walk forth, you who weep, for you shall be consoled"...he goes on to explain, " To mourn authentically is to accept that what is past is past, an indispensable condition for going further. This does not mean we should refrain from tears or other emotions, but that we are not to indulge in them. It means to pass through them, walking forth toward a higher serenity and more sensitive maturity."
To me this passage explains or summarizes our journey we are walking through the emotions...one by one...painfully beginning to feel and process them. But we are moving forward...not just stagnantly waiting for a miracle or life to end. Our desire to feel and regain wholeness and health pushes us forward on this quest...this path that we are traveling. We are moving...that means we are alive.
There is another short passage that took my breath away...because it describes my faith.
Be vigilant, and allow no one to mislead you by saying:
"Here it is!" or
"There it is!"
For it is within you
that the Son of Man dwells.
Go to him,
for those who seek him,
Find him.
I want to watch the TED talk that you suggested, I just haven't gotten to that yet.
Peace and Blessings,
Maggie
Thawing continues - hurry up Spring!
If circumcision is removing the insensitive part, then we need a new word for what we do to our sons. I prefer to think my heart is thawing. I have been so frozen for so long.
I forced myself to stay in bed and finish my book this morning. What a leisurely way to start a day! I looked out the window and watched the snow. I made a breakfast that tasted pretty good. I am waking up. I just need to be vigilant, to not trip into addictive behaviors. It is weird to be able to feel. I feel a sense of anticipation...
I opened the straws and lifted them out. You know how taking a drink of water can feel when you are really thirsty? You can feel the water trickling, then flowing down, rehydrating, soothing, cooling? That is what it felt like. This morning I meditated on being a conduit of joy. I don't want the opened channel to scar shut. I want to remain open and feeling - even though this feels scary. I feel like I am in the open. Like people can see me...
I looked up floors as a dream image, and one suggestion was that a floor indicates the divide between conscious and subconscious. The basement would definitely seem to be subconscious. There was also an interpretation that our floor is our foundation, our security. I would not be surprised to understand that I am finally learning that the foundation of our family stories, our family behaviors is not secure, not even true. We make it true by our belief and cooperation.
Never considered looking up the meaning of the straws!
The last two nights have been confused blasts of images. I have been dancing or working in the haunted part of my house - which is a carpeted floor. I am afraid, I feel the panic, but I remain aware and keep dancing, and talking to whoever is with me. But it's all fragmented and I only have glimpses when I awake. I don't know exactly what I'm doing.
I cave for apples and carrots, too. They are two of my favorite foods! Give Tinya a hug from the other human from the past.
Love from Clare
I forced myself to stay in bed and finish my book this morning. What a leisurely way to start a day! I looked out the window and watched the snow. I made a breakfast that tasted pretty good. I am waking up. I just need to be vigilant, to not trip into addictive behaviors. It is weird to be able to feel. I feel a sense of anticipation...
I opened the straws and lifted them out. You know how taking a drink of water can feel when you are really thirsty? You can feel the water trickling, then flowing down, rehydrating, soothing, cooling? That is what it felt like. This morning I meditated on being a conduit of joy. I don't want the opened channel to scar shut. I want to remain open and feeling - even though this feels scary. I feel like I am in the open. Like people can see me...
I looked up floors as a dream image, and one suggestion was that a floor indicates the divide between conscious and subconscious. The basement would definitely seem to be subconscious. There was also an interpretation that our floor is our foundation, our security. I would not be surprised to understand that I am finally learning that the foundation of our family stories, our family behaviors is not secure, not even true. We make it true by our belief and cooperation.
Never considered looking up the meaning of the straws!
The last two nights have been confused blasts of images. I have been dancing or working in the haunted part of my house - which is a carpeted floor. I am afraid, I feel the panic, but I remain aware and keep dancing, and talking to whoever is with me. But it's all fragmented and I only have glimpses when I awake. I don't know exactly what I'm doing.
I cave for apples and carrots, too. They are two of my favorite foods! Give Tinya a hug from the other human from the past.
Love from Clare
Saturday, February 16, 2013
clarification
The circumcision of the heart removes the walls that we have built around our own heart...
it isn't the sensitive part...it is hard coating shielding our heart from pain...making us numb....keeping us separate from others...
That is a very interesting idea for a study...
perhaps I will have to start looking at those statistics.
I love that you are becoming alive...it makes all of this work worthwhile.
So were you able to visualize removing the straws? What was that like?
I have an overpowering desire to go over to see my horses...
I am going tomorrow afternoon...
with my class schedule and the flu it's been about 4 weeks since I have been there.
Luckily the woman who boards them for me is fabulous, so I don't feel as if they are ever neglected.
She spoils them as much as I do.
I need to connect with my Thunder...he grounds me...he doesn't accept bullshit from me...makes me honest. He will turn his butt to me and make me work for his attention since it's been several weeks. The good thing is that he caves when I have apples or carrots...and he really does love me...so he forgives and nuzzles my head pretty quickly.
I was asking a friend about the color yellow...she said that she understands it to be the color of self-preservation...I wonder how that works into your dream. I also pulled out my Freudian dream analysis book ...that man was obsessed...with sexual conflicts. I was hoping for insights into floors and straws...and he elaborated on sexual themes...
Oh well.
I will check in tomorrow.
I love you,
Maggie
it isn't the sensitive part...it is hard coating shielding our heart from pain...making us numb....keeping us separate from others...
That is a very interesting idea for a study...
perhaps I will have to start looking at those statistics.
I love that you are becoming alive...it makes all of this work worthwhile.
So were you able to visualize removing the straws? What was that like?
I have an overpowering desire to go over to see my horses...
I am going tomorrow afternoon...
with my class schedule and the flu it's been about 4 weeks since I have been there.
Luckily the woman who boards them for me is fabulous, so I don't feel as if they are ever neglected.
She spoils them as much as I do.
I need to connect with my Thunder...he grounds me...he doesn't accept bullshit from me...makes me honest. He will turn his butt to me and make me work for his attention since it's been several weeks. The good thing is that he caves when I have apples or carrots...and he really does love me...so he forgives and nuzzles my head pretty quickly.
I was asking a friend about the color yellow...she said that she understands it to be the color of self-preservation...I wonder how that works into your dream. I also pulled out my Freudian dream analysis book ...that man was obsessed...with sexual conflicts. I was hoping for insights into floors and straws...and he elaborated on sexual themes...
Oh well.
I will check in tomorrow.
I love you,
Maggie
Tethered...
Another TED suggestion:
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html
The important-to-me part:
"But more importantly, for me to begin to understand who are the couples who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it through a bifurcation by looking at trauma, which is the other side, and I looked at it looking at the community I had grown up in, which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, and in my community there were two groups: those who didn't die and those who came back to life. And those who didn't die lived very often tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust, because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can't lift your head and go take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. Those who came back to life were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples I work with, I sometimes hear people say, "I want more sex." but generally people want better sex, and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped it would afford them."
-Esther Perel
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html
The important-to-me part:
"But more importantly, for me to begin to understand who are the couples who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it through a bifurcation by looking at trauma, which is the other side, and I looked at it looking at the community I had grown up in, which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, and in my community there were two groups: those who didn't die and those who came back to life. And those who didn't die lived very often tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust, because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can't lift your head and go take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. Those who came back to life were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples I work with, I sometimes hear people say, "I want more sex." but generally people want better sex, and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped it would afford them."
-Esther Perel
Sensually
My favorite yellow is daffodils. I love daffs, and have planted many in many shapes and forms and hues. In the spring, they awaken my heart, give me hope, trumpet the good news that: love is.
The problem with habits is that we are unaware. We don't know we are in a thought loop or a behavior loop. Where we are just seems normal, especially since everyone else in the family is there. And especially since we find friends we understand - these are the people we have the best chance of working the issues out with. We are simultaneously the teacher and the student, working with each other.
I always go back to the image of the poor fish in the bowl of water. It doesn't know others exist in air. What is air? How do we get out of the water, and learn to breathe air like healthy people? We have to be like frogs - undergo a complete metamorphosis. I wonder if tadpoles or catepillars know what is happening...or do they just trust?
I don't trust. I panic and cling. It's the Irish philosophy - Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. Cling to the familiar. Just had an image of clinging to a sinking ship rather than having the courage to swim into unchartered waters...
I woke on my own this morning. I love the absence of alarm clocks on a Saturday morning. Even though it was early, it was gentle, progressive...ahhh, I'm awake. There is a very large evergreen outside my window, and as I looked out, I saw puffy-fluffy snowflakes filtering through the branches. As I watched I thought about the straws blocking my core channel. I wondered if I could remove it. It turns out that the straws are part of a bear-trap like device. I removed it and had some suggestions for where it could be used...and released it. Today I feel alive. I was standing on the floor in the dining room, and realized I could feel my feet. That sounds weird, but it's big. I feel like I am falling in love - but it's with me.
Take a look in the mirror. Do you like every single part of what you see? Then look longer. Keep staring until your doubts begin to disappear and you start to grow truly enamoured by the image. Never mind how long it takes. -Jonathan Cainer
This was one of the first things I read this morning. OK, I will sheepishly admit I read my horoscope every morning. It was perfect for today. Will I do this? Let's see if I love myself enough to make time for me.
I feel a bit like Scrooge on Christmas morning. I'm alive and different, but I don't quite know what to do with myself.
Just as you have a problems with the word crucifixion, I have a problem with circumcision. I was in the forest, working with a Jack-in-the-pulpit once, and thought about the energy of the uncircumcized male. You know that I ponder rape and violence a lot. I think only the raped will rape. Those of us who are treated with compassion and love are compassionate and loving. It takes violence to teach us to be violent. Because of my personal experiences, I have tried to distill - what is the essence of rape. It is being confined, trapped, unable to escape or move. It is being controlled by someone with more power. It is being taught that you have no control - your body is not yours. It belongs to whoever has the power to use you. It is being violated in your body's sacred place of pleasure - shredding pleasure from your body forevermore. That is circumcision. Taking infants, days old, who are just beginning to trust the warmth of the breast, the comfort of adult arms, strapping them spread eagle in the cold air and taking a sharp knife to the more nerve-rich area of the body. Rape. And because the people who love them allow this, the essence of rape is - okay, acceptable. (Note - just as not all abused become abusers, not all circumcized men are violent. In fact, I would say most are not. But all are wounded.)
I have long wondered what would happen if a scientist collated incidence of rape, incidence of violence toward women and children with societies where circumcision is commonly practiced.
I do not want my heart to be circumcized. I want to be intact. I have been through enough pain. The Creator made us perfect. There is no part that needs to be removed. We just have some parts that need to be activated!
I loved your lyrics. Please let me be clay! I want my transformation to be sensuous. I want my whole life to be sensuous!
Sensually,
Clare
The problem with habits is that we are unaware. We don't know we are in a thought loop or a behavior loop. Where we are just seems normal, especially since everyone else in the family is there. And especially since we find friends we understand - these are the people we have the best chance of working the issues out with. We are simultaneously the teacher and the student, working with each other.
I always go back to the image of the poor fish in the bowl of water. It doesn't know others exist in air. What is air? How do we get out of the water, and learn to breathe air like healthy people? We have to be like frogs - undergo a complete metamorphosis. I wonder if tadpoles or catepillars know what is happening...or do they just trust?
I don't trust. I panic and cling. It's the Irish philosophy - Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. Cling to the familiar. Just had an image of clinging to a sinking ship rather than having the courage to swim into unchartered waters...
I woke on my own this morning. I love the absence of alarm clocks on a Saturday morning. Even though it was early, it was gentle, progressive...ahhh, I'm awake. There is a very large evergreen outside my window, and as I looked out, I saw puffy-fluffy snowflakes filtering through the branches. As I watched I thought about the straws blocking my core channel. I wondered if I could remove it. It turns out that the straws are part of a bear-trap like device. I removed it and had some suggestions for where it could be used...and released it. Today I feel alive. I was standing on the floor in the dining room, and realized I could feel my feet. That sounds weird, but it's big. I feel like I am falling in love - but it's with me.
Take a look in the mirror. Do you like every single part of what you see? Then look longer. Keep staring until your doubts begin to disappear and you start to grow truly enamoured by the image. Never mind how long it takes. -Jonathan Cainer
This was one of the first things I read this morning. OK, I will sheepishly admit I read my horoscope every morning. It was perfect for today. Will I do this? Let's see if I love myself enough to make time for me.
I feel a bit like Scrooge on Christmas morning. I'm alive and different, but I don't quite know what to do with myself.
Just as you have a problems with the word crucifixion, I have a problem with circumcision. I was in the forest, working with a Jack-in-the-pulpit once, and thought about the energy of the uncircumcized male. You know that I ponder rape and violence a lot. I think only the raped will rape. Those of us who are treated with compassion and love are compassionate and loving. It takes violence to teach us to be violent. Because of my personal experiences, I have tried to distill - what is the essence of rape. It is being confined, trapped, unable to escape or move. It is being controlled by someone with more power. It is being taught that you have no control - your body is not yours. It belongs to whoever has the power to use you. It is being violated in your body's sacred place of pleasure - shredding pleasure from your body forevermore. That is circumcision. Taking infants, days old, who are just beginning to trust the warmth of the breast, the comfort of adult arms, strapping them spread eagle in the cold air and taking a sharp knife to the more nerve-rich area of the body. Rape. And because the people who love them allow this, the essence of rape is - okay, acceptable. (Note - just as not all abused become abusers, not all circumcized men are violent. In fact, I would say most are not. But all are wounded.)
I have long wondered what would happen if a scientist collated incidence of rape, incidence of violence toward women and children with societies where circumcision is commonly practiced.
I do not want my heart to be circumcized. I want to be intact. I have been through enough pain. The Creator made us perfect. There is no part that needs to be removed. We just have some parts that need to be activated!
I loved your lyrics. Please let me be clay! I want my transformation to be sensuous. I want my whole life to be sensuous!
Sensually,
Clare
Friday, February 15, 2013
Habits that bind
Yellow is also the color of the sun and spring...
and brings to mind a warmth that penetrates to my deepest self.
Yellow is light and lovely and vibrant.
Wow...that paragraph is incredible. Thank you for sharing it.
We are programmed by the habits of our family, and ancestors...
but we are not slaves to those habits.
I have been reading several books...
each has the message embedded that despite our habitual nature we can choose...
You can choose to continue the patterns of your family...good or bad...
or you can conceive of new thoughts, words and deeds that will better enable you to thrive.
I am thinking of the 'wisdom of the ancestors'...which is mostly good...but what if there are ideas and intentions within that energy which once served a purpose...but no longer is necessary...
what if we hold on to the wrong things and live our lives tied to stereotypical ideas and opinions that diminish our joy in this lifetime?
How do we step back and examine each idea, each image, each habit...to discern its value to our life?
Keeping family secrets may have served a survival purpose at one time...
but maintaining that habit is slowly killing our family...
at our own hands...
through addictions, depression, suicide...you name it, we do it.
You and I are openly examining these mind habits...memes as they are being called...
and we are developing new habits...intentionally chosen that bring life and joy into our lives.
I pray the others will also find their way to examining their habitual thoughts and actions.
They say that God will mold our heart
And I know that is true
but I believe the choices I make
select the tools he'll use.
If I choose love my heart grows soft
like clay in a sculptor's hands
gently caressed towards perfection
according to his plan
If hate is mine my heart's replaced
by stone so cold and cruel
hammers and chisels carve out the form
to expose reluctant truth.
With this in mind I lift my voice
Dear God, hear my plea
Grant me the grace
create your image in me.
I wrote those lyrics to the melody of Prayer of Saint Frances, but couldn't get permission to use it...
but it is about choices...
about surrendering or remaining imprisoned within the barricade around the heart.
It's about circumcising the heart...removing that wall that life forces us to build...
about being open and vulnerable to the world...
about being truly alive...and joyful.
Love and Light...Keep dancing...
Maggie
and brings to mind a warmth that penetrates to my deepest self.
Yellow is light and lovely and vibrant.
Wow...that paragraph is incredible. Thank you for sharing it.
We are programmed by the habits of our family, and ancestors...
but we are not slaves to those habits.
I have been reading several books...
each has the message embedded that despite our habitual nature we can choose...
You can choose to continue the patterns of your family...good or bad...
or you can conceive of new thoughts, words and deeds that will better enable you to thrive.
I am thinking of the 'wisdom of the ancestors'...which is mostly good...but what if there are ideas and intentions within that energy which once served a purpose...but no longer is necessary...
what if we hold on to the wrong things and live our lives tied to stereotypical ideas and opinions that diminish our joy in this lifetime?
How do we step back and examine each idea, each image, each habit...to discern its value to our life?
Keeping family secrets may have served a survival purpose at one time...
but maintaining that habit is slowly killing our family...
at our own hands...
through addictions, depression, suicide...you name it, we do it.
You and I are openly examining these mind habits...memes as they are being called...
and we are developing new habits...intentionally chosen that bring life and joy into our lives.
I pray the others will also find their way to examining their habitual thoughts and actions.
They say that God will mold our heart
And I know that is true
but I believe the choices I make
select the tools he'll use.
If I choose love my heart grows soft
like clay in a sculptor's hands
gently caressed towards perfection
according to his plan
If hate is mine my heart's replaced
by stone so cold and cruel
hammers and chisels carve out the form
to expose reluctant truth.
With this in mind I lift my voice
Dear God, hear my plea
Grant me the grace
create your image in me.
I wrote those lyrics to the melody of Prayer of Saint Frances, but couldn't get permission to use it...
but it is about choices...
about surrendering or remaining imprisoned within the barricade around the heart.
It's about circumcising the heart...removing that wall that life forces us to build...
about being open and vulnerable to the world...
about being truly alive...and joyful.
Love and Light...Keep dancing...
Maggie
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Thawing
I love you! You help me see right to the point of some of my dream-strangeness. It has been about floors lately. I think floors give us something solid to walk on, but floors also mean we are inside. Floors keep us from putting our feet right on the Earth. And the Prayer of St. Francis - beautiful. Maybe now I can be a channel. I know I have been feeling very alive ever since that night.
The other word you wrote that hit me was selflessly...an unobstructed conduit that selflessly transmits its contents to their destination. Selflessly.
Yellow - cowardice? Liver? Chicken liver...Sunshine...lemons...peeeeeeeeeeee...
I have a lot of mixed feelings about crucifixion...too scrambled to make sense of yet. But maybe this is the time of year to consider it.
I read a blog this morning, and one paragraph grabbed me by the heart, and I immediately thought of sharing it with you:
This is the part of myself that cried and was never comforted. The part that is held under by a deluge of fear each day, the part that questions my work and my life. This is the part that saw and sees terrible things happening not only to others, but to myself, and wonders, where is my God? Maybe it is even the part of my ancestry that helped to assemble that behemoth of a thought form — the belief in a wrathful and judging God. That part is slowly thawing, and flowing, and beginning to dance with a mystery so sweet and tender, that I’m weeping as I write this. The whispered love.
- Dr. Jessamine Dana
(http://ashiramedicinewoman.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-angel-challenge.html#.UR1mV_ImGNB)
There is so much packed into this paragraph that speaks to me. Never feeling comforted, being in a deluge of fear - until fear is natural. I live, I breath fear. I want to release fear. I want to be joy. Ever since the other night, I want to be joy. Our ancestry assembled our thought form - for better or for worse.
But now - the thawing, the dancing, the mystery...we can approach mystery with fear, or with awe - the positive aspect of fear, maybe...
Thawing --- it's the right time of year for this too!
I hope you are happy today!
Love from Clare
We were posting at the same time. I wanted to make one more comment before I forget. We don't have to convince other people about the gifting society, we just have to go first and practice it. Others will follow. I stopped charging for flower essences or herbs years ago. The work is sacred, and I can;t accept money. I made an herbal concoction for a friend who has a lot of money. When she picked it up and asked how much I told her it was a gift. She started crying. I knew I was on the right track.
C.
The other word you wrote that hit me was selflessly...an unobstructed conduit that selflessly transmits its contents to their destination. Selflessly.
Yellow - cowardice? Liver? Chicken liver...Sunshine...lemons...peeeeeeeeeeee...
I have a lot of mixed feelings about crucifixion...too scrambled to make sense of yet. But maybe this is the time of year to consider it.
I read a blog this morning, and one paragraph grabbed me by the heart, and I immediately thought of sharing it with you:
This is the part of myself that cried and was never comforted. The part that is held under by a deluge of fear each day, the part that questions my work and my life. This is the part that saw and sees terrible things happening not only to others, but to myself, and wonders, where is my God? Maybe it is even the part of my ancestry that helped to assemble that behemoth of a thought form — the belief in a wrathful and judging God. That part is slowly thawing, and flowing, and beginning to dance with a mystery so sweet and tender, that I’m weeping as I write this. The whispered love.
- Dr. Jessamine Dana
(http://ashiramedicinewoman.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-angel-challenge.html#.UR1mV_ImGNB)
There is so much packed into this paragraph that speaks to me. Never feeling comforted, being in a deluge of fear - until fear is natural. I live, I breath fear. I want to release fear. I want to be joy. Ever since the other night, I want to be joy. Our ancestry assembled our thought form - for better or for worse.
But now - the thawing, the dancing, the mystery...we can approach mystery with fear, or with awe - the positive aspect of fear, maybe...
Thawing --- it's the right time of year for this too!
I hope you are happy today!
Love from Clare
We were posting at the same time. I wanted to make one more comment before I forget. We don't have to convince other people about the gifting society, we just have to go first and practice it. Others will follow. I stopped charging for flower essences or herbs years ago. The work is sacred, and I can;t accept money. I made an herbal concoction for a friend who has a lot of money. When she picked it up and asked how much I told her it was a gift. She started crying. I knew I was on the right track.
C.
ruminating over the meanings
I am still intrigued by the straws...controlling, allowing only a small amount of the joy to trickle down...very much like "trickle down economics" only small amounts actually make it to the lowest levels.
I believe that you (and your friend) are correct...we need to create a gifting society...one in which scarcity isn't the main motivator. I truly believe there is abundance in this world...and if we rightly share and care for each other and the earth there is and will be enough.
The hurdle though is convincing others that there is enough to share...that the universe is abundant and that we won't starve or be hurt if we share our food, talents, gifts, love with each other...even those outside of our 'clans'.
By sharing our stuff we also share our concern which could expand our sense of "us and them".
The concept is huge and a game changer...unfortunately humans are driven by habit and habits are hard to break.
So what do you think about the cosmic DJ and his matter of fact answer to your question, "Do you know what you're doing?"?
What a great dream...
Today I re-read the analyses of my manuscript and was able to see the constructive comments, hopefully meant to guide me to a better work. I will take time during the first week in March (spring break) to make revisions and see what happens. I was telling my mentor about the rejection letter last night, she told me she has a filing drawer full of rejections...don't give up. She is fabulous.
I love you...
Happy Valentine's Day,
Maggie
I believe that you (and your friend) are correct...we need to create a gifting society...one in which scarcity isn't the main motivator. I truly believe there is abundance in this world...and if we rightly share and care for each other and the earth there is and will be enough.
The hurdle though is convincing others that there is enough to share...that the universe is abundant and that we won't starve or be hurt if we share our food, talents, gifts, love with each other...even those outside of our 'clans'.
By sharing our stuff we also share our concern which could expand our sense of "us and them".
The concept is huge and a game changer...unfortunately humans are driven by habit and habits are hard to break.
So what do you think about the cosmic DJ and his matter of fact answer to your question, "Do you know what you're doing?"?
What a great dream...
Today I re-read the analyses of my manuscript and was able to see the constructive comments, hopefully meant to guide me to a better work. I will take time during the first week in March (spring break) to make revisions and see what happens. I was telling my mentor about the rejection letter last night, she told me she has a filing drawer full of rejections...don't give up. She is fabulous.
I love you...
Happy Valentine's Day,
Maggie
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
fascinating
Fascinating...
I have to think of those images for a while to allow them to permeate...
The floor is recurrent with you...
I wonder the significance of the false floor over the real...
it seems to me that our foundation is not what is seems to be...which we know since we were raised to hide the secrets...You continue to go back to the color yellow...I like the blending of the red and yellow to create the orange.
The image of reaching out, up and down connecting to others...I am uncomfortable with the referral to the crucifix for some reason.
Once, many years ago, we were on a family trip. I didn't want to be there. My kids were throwing up red Gatorade in an all-white hotel room. Finally after everyone was asleep (all in the same hotel room) I couldn't sleep...much like your night last night. I sat and meditated...at some point my arms outstretched (against my will) and I remained in that extended position for some time. It was difficult to understand what was happening...but then I surrendered into it...it was a silent prayer...no words or thoughts...just holding that posture of the crucifixion...but it was less about death and dying and more about surrendering into the divine. Maybe that's why your referring to the crucifixion hits a tough note for me...because it is not about death but about surrender to the divine.
I am intrigued by the images of the straws...controlling, and mostly blocking the flow.
What a great visual to show how we impede the natural flow...because of our need to control everything. I have always loved to sing the Prayer of Saint Francis...make me a channel of your peace.
A channel...an open...unobstructed conduit...that selflessly transmits its contents to their destination.
Those straws certainly don't act as a channel. Fascinating.
I will have to reread this post tomorrow and see what else I can glean from it.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I think my favorite portion of the whole experience is that you sang, danced, ran and played...
I have to think of those images for a while to allow them to permeate...
The floor is recurrent with you...
I wonder the significance of the false floor over the real...
it seems to me that our foundation is not what is seems to be...which we know since we were raised to hide the secrets...You continue to go back to the color yellow...I like the blending of the red and yellow to create the orange.
The image of reaching out, up and down connecting to others...I am uncomfortable with the referral to the crucifix for some reason.
Once, many years ago, we were on a family trip. I didn't want to be there. My kids were throwing up red Gatorade in an all-white hotel room. Finally after everyone was asleep (all in the same hotel room) I couldn't sleep...much like your night last night. I sat and meditated...at some point my arms outstretched (against my will) and I remained in that extended position for some time. It was difficult to understand what was happening...but then I surrendered into it...it was a silent prayer...no words or thoughts...just holding that posture of the crucifixion...but it was less about death and dying and more about surrendering into the divine. Maybe that's why your referring to the crucifixion hits a tough note for me...because it is not about death but about surrender to the divine.
I am intrigued by the images of the straws...controlling, and mostly blocking the flow.
What a great visual to show how we impede the natural flow...because of our need to control everything. I have always loved to sing the Prayer of Saint Francis...make me a channel of your peace.
A channel...an open...unobstructed conduit...that selflessly transmits its contents to their destination.
Those straws certainly don't act as a channel. Fascinating.
I will have to reread this post tomorrow and see what else I can glean from it.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I think my favorite portion of the whole experience is that you sang, danced, ran and played...
Joy is our responsibility, kindness is our language
I wasn't thinking about not telling our stories, I was more thinking of featuring others so we could use our emotional distance to bring out the important aspects people need to know. Then we use some of our story as the Me, too. And maybe we end with our stories, and...what I am also thinking is that our struggles, our ahas!, our changes are important, too. Hmmm...we'll keep thinking about this.
You wrote about living on the edge, and I saw you on a surf board - wild ride, but you kept your balance. I look forward to hearing your feelings after you give the ethics workshop. Do these teachings change you?
And now, for me...I had a wild night. I had a dream that led to a meditative state that led to some amazing breakthroughs in my thoughts. I hope my explanation isn't too confusing, but there are so many thoughts roiling together...I awoke at 4:00 full of the dream, wrote things, tried to sleep, turned the light back on and wrote some more...and finally gave up and realized I was up for the day...
The Dream:
In the farmhouse where the kids were raised, finding new floors under the false floors (which were the floors as we knew them when we lived there)...and suddenly there was an earthquake, the floors cracked open in one long, ziggy seam...tracked the seam and found it began at a "tube" - looked like a big vacuum cleaner tube which was pressed, nozzle down onto the ground...followed the tube back to a cosmic DJ who was blasting music to points in the ground...I asked him if he knew what he was doing, and he said, "Yes."
Woke up...in a meditative state...considering the dream...
Started thinking about joy, and tried to move joy with my heart chakra. I could move it up to my head and down to my heart chakra. I could move it out in front of my body and out the back of my body. I could move it out either side of my body, through my ribs. But I could not move it down below my heart chakra. I tried it a few times to prove to myself I could not do it. The DJ/music came to me, and I thought of three songs about joy. I started spiritually singing Joy Is Like the Rain. I envisioned joy-raindrops trickling down that core channel that connects the chakras, reaching for the yellow chakra. The joy could not move easily, it could not get past a series of parallel straws inserted through my core. It felt like/seemed like a torture technique. I just kept singing the joy down until it reached the yellow chakra. I could feel the chakra activating while the joy continued tricking toward the orange chakra. The orange started activating...I continued singing and allowing joy to enter from from the universe. Once the joy reached the orange, it broke through and flowed to and through the red chakra easily. It separated and flowed through my thighs and to my knees. Then my body energy became dense again. It was very hard to move the joy to my feet/grounding chakra. Once it opened, once joy broke through, I could feel the Earth. I "went" to a place I know on top of an open field, a place with a panoramic view. It was summer and I was standing in the sunshine. I stood and channeled joy down, then tried to absorb joy and send it up. The Earth began pulsing light. Each pulse, each heartbeat pushed the joy-energy higher and higher and I became a conduit mixing and sharing cosmic joy with earthly joy.
This is what we are supposed to be doing!
I thought about the breach, those straws piercing my core channel. I thought about the orange chakra - the four vibration. In its negative aspect, it is crucifixion. In positive, it has to do with kidneys, with establishing form, framework. My wounded chakra is orange/four. Our societal wounded chakra is yellow/five. I suddenly realized that orange is a yellow/red blend. Red is sexuality - it is three. Blending two threes, sexually, creates a six and ties sex to love. Rape destroys third chakra, creating a trapped, tortured crucifixion. Orange chakra is disabled. Yellow takes over, trying to control, because without orange, we have no stable form - no structure, our skeletal strength and flexibilty are missing. Yellow is focused down, broken away from the green/heart center. Love is, but it has nowhere to go. We are lost and bereft. This energy shows in our daily, physical life.
I stood on the Earth and felt that pulsing. The Earth asked me to go to a place in the woods, to stand in the creek, to find a place where there was a break in the canopy and the sun was shining on me. I found a place on the shale, with my feet in the cool running water - Earth, Air, Fire, Water - feel the pulse, feel the four elements. I felt a one-two pulse, a drumbeat from the Earth rising up, moving into the chakra on the bottoms of my feet. I felt myself running. I felt myself pedaling a bike. I felt myself dancing. The joy of running, the joy of dancing it moved joy from the Earth to the Cosmos. I even felt the rhythm of sex. I had a vision of true humans dancing tribally and wondered which emotions could be channeled from Earth to Heaven, from Heaven to Earth.
And I remembered the teachings of the people who lived in this place before we displaced them. Each species has its duty. Our duty is to celebrate, and to remember the celebrations.
There's more...I hope you are still with me...I tried to sleep, but it was coming too fast. it was too beautiful...
Orange chakra, four vibration creates a cross. When we are grounded, our energy reaches out to both sides to join with others, creating our joined community. It is appropriate to be joined orange to orange, to create the structure of tribe. A crucifixion, with arms outstretched and confined uses four to break the heart. (Consider religious images of the Christ on the cross, with the bleeding heart.) We are supposed to connect to those we love through the green chakra - with green and pink strands - a higher level of the web. Who do we love?
The ultimate message to us is: Joy is our responsibilty, kindness is our language.
To restore humanity, we must be joyful and learn to be kind. We must be kind to generate joy.
I have a friend who believes we must create a gifting society. I think she is correct.
I am exhausted. I am going to walk before it is completely dark. I love this Earth!
I love you,
Clare
You wrote about living on the edge, and I saw you on a surf board - wild ride, but you kept your balance. I look forward to hearing your feelings after you give the ethics workshop. Do these teachings change you?
And now, for me...I had a wild night. I had a dream that led to a meditative state that led to some amazing breakthroughs in my thoughts. I hope my explanation isn't too confusing, but there are so many thoughts roiling together...I awoke at 4:00 full of the dream, wrote things, tried to sleep, turned the light back on and wrote some more...and finally gave up and realized I was up for the day...
The Dream:
In the farmhouse where the kids were raised, finding new floors under the false floors (which were the floors as we knew them when we lived there)...and suddenly there was an earthquake, the floors cracked open in one long, ziggy seam...tracked the seam and found it began at a "tube" - looked like a big vacuum cleaner tube which was pressed, nozzle down onto the ground...followed the tube back to a cosmic DJ who was blasting music to points in the ground...I asked him if he knew what he was doing, and he said, "Yes."
Woke up...in a meditative state...considering the dream...
Started thinking about joy, and tried to move joy with my heart chakra. I could move it up to my head and down to my heart chakra. I could move it out in front of my body and out the back of my body. I could move it out either side of my body, through my ribs. But I could not move it down below my heart chakra. I tried it a few times to prove to myself I could not do it. The DJ/music came to me, and I thought of three songs about joy. I started spiritually singing Joy Is Like the Rain. I envisioned joy-raindrops trickling down that core channel that connects the chakras, reaching for the yellow chakra. The joy could not move easily, it could not get past a series of parallel straws inserted through my core. It felt like/seemed like a torture technique. I just kept singing the joy down until it reached the yellow chakra. I could feel the chakra activating while the joy continued tricking toward the orange chakra. The orange started activating...I continued singing and allowing joy to enter from from the universe. Once the joy reached the orange, it broke through and flowed to and through the red chakra easily. It separated and flowed through my thighs and to my knees. Then my body energy became dense again. It was very hard to move the joy to my feet/grounding chakra. Once it opened, once joy broke through, I could feel the Earth. I "went" to a place I know on top of an open field, a place with a panoramic view. It was summer and I was standing in the sunshine. I stood and channeled joy down, then tried to absorb joy and send it up. The Earth began pulsing light. Each pulse, each heartbeat pushed the joy-energy higher and higher and I became a conduit mixing and sharing cosmic joy with earthly joy.
This is what we are supposed to be doing!
I thought about the breach, those straws piercing my core channel. I thought about the orange chakra - the four vibration. In its negative aspect, it is crucifixion. In positive, it has to do with kidneys, with establishing form, framework. My wounded chakra is orange/four. Our societal wounded chakra is yellow/five. I suddenly realized that orange is a yellow/red blend. Red is sexuality - it is three. Blending two threes, sexually, creates a six and ties sex to love. Rape destroys third chakra, creating a trapped, tortured crucifixion. Orange chakra is disabled. Yellow takes over, trying to control, because without orange, we have no stable form - no structure, our skeletal strength and flexibilty are missing. Yellow is focused down, broken away from the green/heart center. Love is, but it has nowhere to go. We are lost and bereft. This energy shows in our daily, physical life.
I stood on the Earth and felt that pulsing. The Earth asked me to go to a place in the woods, to stand in the creek, to find a place where there was a break in the canopy and the sun was shining on me. I found a place on the shale, with my feet in the cool running water - Earth, Air, Fire, Water - feel the pulse, feel the four elements. I felt a one-two pulse, a drumbeat from the Earth rising up, moving into the chakra on the bottoms of my feet. I felt myself running. I felt myself pedaling a bike. I felt myself dancing. The joy of running, the joy of dancing it moved joy from the Earth to the Cosmos. I even felt the rhythm of sex. I had a vision of true humans dancing tribally and wondered which emotions could be channeled from Earth to Heaven, from Heaven to Earth.
And I remembered the teachings of the people who lived in this place before we displaced them. Each species has its duty. Our duty is to celebrate, and to remember the celebrations.
There's more...I hope you are still with me...I tried to sleep, but it was coming too fast. it was too beautiful...
Orange chakra, four vibration creates a cross. When we are grounded, our energy reaches out to both sides to join with others, creating our joined community. It is appropriate to be joined orange to orange, to create the structure of tribe. A crucifixion, with arms outstretched and confined uses four to break the heart. (Consider religious images of the Christ on the cross, with the bleeding heart.) We are supposed to connect to those we love through the green chakra - with green and pink strands - a higher level of the web. Who do we love?
The ultimate message to us is: Joy is our responsibilty, kindness is our language.
To restore humanity, we must be joyful and learn to be kind. We must be kind to generate joy.
I have a friend who believes we must create a gifting society. I think she is correct.
I am exhausted. I am going to walk before it is completely dark. I love this Earth!
I love you,
Clare
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
some of the best things happen out of my comfort zone
I like the idea of communicating others' stories of abuse and dysfunction...
but I am not sure that I like it because it keeps my/our stories secret and protected.
I keep thinking of Oprah and Maya Angelou who told their stories...released the power that they held over them...and have been able to focus their voices on shining the light into those dark corners.
I am not sure how to go about developing a book...
I am intrigued by your thought process though...
I realized today that I teach my students to outline, plan, write, revise, revise, revise...
and yet I didn't follow my own guidance.
I am going to restructure my manuscript with focus and the intention of making it relevant for social work and see where that takes me.
My kids have had a similar reaction to your daughter's...
they have heard my words, "I was abused"...
but none wants to know details...
that's OK because the line of communication is open and when they are ready I will share honestly.
I am overwhelmed, and a little panicked, because I went away this weekend and am not as "on top of" my class-work as usual. I am playing catch up and realize how uncomfortable it is for me to be in this position.
I seem to be living just on the edge of my comfort zone...but good things have historically happened when I am courageous enough to step outside.
May will be here soon.
You are right...I did and do berate myself instead of just realizing that writing is not my forte'. I need to develop the skills necessary to write effectively...not give up and assume that I am unworthy of communicating through published articles.
I am presenting another 3 hour continuing education program next week...The Ethics of Female Reproductive Rights. I am presenting the biology of the reproductive cycle, contraception, etc. and the public policies affecting the access to reproductive health care. I am really looking forward to doing it. I think it's going to be interesting...
Love and Light...
Maggie
but I am not sure that I like it because it keeps my/our stories secret and protected.
I keep thinking of Oprah and Maya Angelou who told their stories...released the power that they held over them...and have been able to focus their voices on shining the light into those dark corners.
I am not sure how to go about developing a book...
I am intrigued by your thought process though...
I realized today that I teach my students to outline, plan, write, revise, revise, revise...
and yet I didn't follow my own guidance.
I am going to restructure my manuscript with focus and the intention of making it relevant for social work and see where that takes me.
My kids have had a similar reaction to your daughter's...
they have heard my words, "I was abused"...
but none wants to know details...
that's OK because the line of communication is open and when they are ready I will share honestly.
I am overwhelmed, and a little panicked, because I went away this weekend and am not as "on top of" my class-work as usual. I am playing catch up and realize how uncomfortable it is for me to be in this position.
I seem to be living just on the edge of my comfort zone...but good things have historically happened when I am courageous enough to step outside.
May will be here soon.
You are right...I did and do berate myself instead of just realizing that writing is not my forte'. I need to develop the skills necessary to write effectively...not give up and assume that I am unworthy of communicating through published articles.
I am presenting another 3 hour continuing education program next week...The Ethics of Female Reproductive Rights. I am presenting the biology of the reproductive cycle, contraception, etc. and the public policies affecting the access to reproductive health care. I am really looking forward to doing it. I think it's going to be interesting...
Love and Light...
Maggie
Scattered thoughts...
The wound is the place where the Light enters you. -Rumi
This is the quote of the day. It stopped me and...just stopped me. I am still playing with the images. Just thought I'd share, and confound you a bit.
I like contra. I would like to take other dance classes. I have never felt like a dancer, but I have always wanted to be a dancer. My youngest and I took belly dance for a few years. Another peer and I held down the back of the room, and neither of us danced in public, but we had fun. And I liked the way it felt - to be supple. Some opportunities to organize a few more dances have opened. Maybe this is part of my process.
My youngest doesn't want to recognize the abuse in the family. She knows it is there, lurking off to the side. But she does not want to know what happened. She wants it to stay under the covers. It seems we can handle abuse in other families, but in our own - is it too painful? too embarrassing? She also made a comment about phobic fear of fat, and how it's affecting her feelings about being pregnant.
Lots to think about today.
I have been thinking about our book. I have been wondering what it is we need to say. How do we get to Me, too? I think I am going to review some of the books that have affected me...Alice Miller's For Their Own Good comes to mind. I want to think about the way the information was presented and developed. I have been thinking that maybe we don't tell our own stories outright, or maybe not in detail. We tell other people's stories, giving us a chance to stand back and be compassionate and objective. Our own stories will be interwoven in our reaction, part of the Me, too.
Jealousy from one generation to another...I remember walking down the street with my oldest when she was in her late teens. For the first time, I saw men to look at her., I was suddenly invisible. I remember thinking, "And so it begins." There was a level of jealousy combined irrationally with pride.
Thinking about my youngest again. She and her friends have been sharing stories of violent boyfriends. They think it is good to expose the relationship patterns and their own reactions. But that is within their own generation. And sometimes I wonder if the stories have a bit of braggadocio, of cultural cool. I know that adopting an attitude would be a great coping mechanism. And they are on the right track by coming together and being open about what happens, about reaching out for each other. I wonder if hearing stories of the older generation is what is bothering my daughter.
So, I'm still on yellow tiles. Tiles are unbending, tough. Yellow is the color of cowardice. It is the color of the will-chakra, the place where we are rigid and unbending, mistrustful of the flow.
I still dream of bursting out of myself...
Feeling scattered. Maybe I'll be a little more cohesive tomorrow.
Love you!!
Clare
This is the quote of the day. It stopped me and...just stopped me. I am still playing with the images. Just thought I'd share, and confound you a bit.
I like contra. I would like to take other dance classes. I have never felt like a dancer, but I have always wanted to be a dancer. My youngest and I took belly dance for a few years. Another peer and I held down the back of the room, and neither of us danced in public, but we had fun. And I liked the way it felt - to be supple. Some opportunities to organize a few more dances have opened. Maybe this is part of my process.
My youngest doesn't want to recognize the abuse in the family. She knows it is there, lurking off to the side. But she does not want to know what happened. She wants it to stay under the covers. It seems we can handle abuse in other families, but in our own - is it too painful? too embarrassing? She also made a comment about phobic fear of fat, and how it's affecting her feelings about being pregnant.
Lots to think about today.
I have been thinking about our book. I have been wondering what it is we need to say. How do we get to Me, too? I think I am going to review some of the books that have affected me...Alice Miller's For Their Own Good comes to mind. I want to think about the way the information was presented and developed. I have been thinking that maybe we don't tell our own stories outright, or maybe not in detail. We tell other people's stories, giving us a chance to stand back and be compassionate and objective. Our own stories will be interwoven in our reaction, part of the Me, too.
Jealousy from one generation to another...I remember walking down the street with my oldest when she was in her late teens. For the first time, I saw men to look at her., I was suddenly invisible. I remember thinking, "And so it begins." There was a level of jealousy combined irrationally with pride.
Thinking about my youngest again. She and her friends have been sharing stories of violent boyfriends. They think it is good to expose the relationship patterns and their own reactions. But that is within their own generation. And sometimes I wonder if the stories have a bit of braggadocio, of cultural cool. I know that adopting an attitude would be a great coping mechanism. And they are on the right track by coming together and being open about what happens, about reaching out for each other. I wonder if hearing stories of the older generation is what is bothering my daughter.
So, I'm still on yellow tiles. Tiles are unbending, tough. Yellow is the color of cowardice. It is the color of the will-chakra, the place where we are rigid and unbending, mistrustful of the flow.
I still dream of bursting out of myself...
Feeling scattered. Maybe I'll be a little more cohesive tomorrow.
Love you!!
Clare
Monday, February 11, 2013
silence and ignorance hurt more
There were positive points to the critiques...that I tackled alot of difficult material...that was the main observation...but they didn't see the connection that I was trying to make about the importance of understanding that biography becomes biology (Caroline Myss). I am going to approach my Friend and ask him to collaborate, after I get over my disappointment.
I have asked most of my professors to help me with my writing...to help me to be more concise and focused...and for the most part they just give me vague comments and an A and I am no better off than before.
We do have a book in our future...
But I am counting on your skills to make it readable...
the one review noted that I need to learn the proper use of colons and semicolons...that's never been a real priority for me...just saying...
I am glad that you danced.
I love to contra dance...we have one every spring at the weekend quarterly retreat...
it's freeing to twirl and laugh and just let go for a little while.
So your youngest doesn't want to have this dysfunction and abuse in her extended family?
I think that she will come to understand it...
I hope that as she does it will become clear the reason to talk and write about it.
When I think about speaking publicly about abuse I wonder what the consequences would be for the rest of the family...will it hurt them if I am honest?
But then I realize that by not speaking up others, many others, are hurt...
and that abuse continues to fester.
I have come to believe that secrecy and ignorance hurt more than speaking the truth.
I have come across a preventive program for domestic violence that really addresses all types of interpersonal violence...it's called PeaceWorks Program...it is K - 12 lessons about respect...nonviolent conflict resolution...healthy relationships...it looks good.
Imagine if we were able to deliver that to developing minds...even the ones who see violence at home might be able to identify it as abnormal...and not be so scarred from it....or be able to reach out for help if they are experiencing violence.
The 'fat' obsession is intriguing...I hadn't thought of jealousy from one generation to another...but you may be right.
All for now...
I love you,
Maggie
I have asked most of my professors to help me with my writing...to help me to be more concise and focused...and for the most part they just give me vague comments and an A and I am no better off than before.
We do have a book in our future...
But I am counting on your skills to make it readable...
the one review noted that I need to learn the proper use of colons and semicolons...that's never been a real priority for me...just saying...
I am glad that you danced.
I love to contra dance...we have one every spring at the weekend quarterly retreat...
it's freeing to twirl and laugh and just let go for a little while.
So your youngest doesn't want to have this dysfunction and abuse in her extended family?
I think that she will come to understand it...
I hope that as she does it will become clear the reason to talk and write about it.
When I think about speaking publicly about abuse I wonder what the consequences would be for the rest of the family...will it hurt them if I am honest?
But then I realize that by not speaking up others, many others, are hurt...
and that abuse continues to fester.
I have come to believe that secrecy and ignorance hurt more than speaking the truth.
I have come across a preventive program for domestic violence that really addresses all types of interpersonal violence...it's called PeaceWorks Program...it is K - 12 lessons about respect...nonviolent conflict resolution...healthy relationships...it looks good.
Imagine if we were able to deliver that to developing minds...even the ones who see violence at home might be able to identify it as abnormal...and not be so scarred from it....or be able to reach out for help if they are experiencing violence.
The 'fat' obsession is intriguing...I hadn't thought of jealousy from one generation to another...but you may be right.
All for now...
I love you,
Maggie
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The burka
Your article was worth commenting on. What were the positive points? And your reasoning is not logical. You may not be suited to be in social work because your writing was not accepted? Yet, you go to talk to people and get an amazing amount of positive feedback and make amazing connections. Maybe writing is not your strongest skill. And if I remember, you have a Friend who is interested in collaboration. And we have a book in our collective/connected potential future...
Why was/is fat such a major sin in our family? Because Grammy was fat? Did she hate herself? Did her kids hate her? Did her husband use it against her?
I think part of the problem was specific fat...like when our breasts were bigger than Mom's. I know it bothered her a lot. Breasts evoked a lot of emotion. Then she lost one to cancer. Is there a connection? Do we love them, or do we hate them, or do we hide them? Do we use them? I added my nursing history and realized I had breastfed for 13.5 years. Mine are well used. Looking at the questions, considering our bodies - do we love them, do we hate them, do we use them? I say no to all, and add maybe - Do we hide them? Yes. Maybe that's what the burka is all about. I don't wear make-up. I love my oversized dark hoodie - a great place to hide...Brings me back to: Am I beautiful? And of course no one's answer is important except my own.
Do I want to be beautiful? That question terrifies me. It makes me feel vulnearble and maybe like I am not worth anything else but my appearance. So I sacrifice appearance and feel worthless in general.
I dreamed about the basement, about foundations. Then I dreamed about Mom's criticism of my appearance. Is this at least part of the foundation I am trying to uncover and understand? I keep wondering what the yellow tile means. Because it is covering up the beautiful natural floor.
If I said this before, I apologize and I'll claim the forgetfullness of old age. After my marriage ended, I was working more than usual - because someone left the newspaper and I was picking up a lot of that work until a new writer came in. My kids were a little more sedentary than ever before, and cooking more for themselves. My two younger sons put on a little weight. The youngest didn't truly lose it until he grew into it, until he got tall. He told me once that he was grateful to me and to his siblings because never once was he called names or made to feel bad about his body. I was proud of us at that moment.
My youngest walked in when I was writing a blog and asked about it. She asked to hear some of the comments about her. In the course of it, she heard/saw something about B#1. Later she told me that she has always had a hard time with him, because all of my kids know he doesn't like them, and we know he is not nice to them, but she didn't want to know that he abused you. She doesn't want to know, she doesn't want her daughter to know. She thinks it's great that you and I are working on this together, but we need to keep it private. According to her, maybe even this blog is too public. It was exactly the response I "felt" from Ss# 4& 5. Don't ruin our memories of our happy childhood - keep it secret. I told her secrecy was the place that allowed abuse to thrive. She agreed, but...not our family, not in public...
By telling your husband that you feel numb, you are being truly vulnerable. Paradox...
I did dance for about half the night. Then I went downstairs where someone had to keep an eye on the bake sale and made a Friend go upstairs and dance. It was her birthday! I actually felt good, I had a nice time. Some very close friends were there and I felt cherished and supported.
Today, though, I am sick. I got what's going round, and I can't afford to miss work tomorrow. Sigh...Too bad we weren't born into a family that was independently wealthy!
Getting ready to sign off, and thought of an idea...My youngest has a friend who is one of my non-bio children. She has been through sexual abuse, and was talking about starting a blog. What if she wrote her story, and then we analyzed and commented as a chapter of a book. You could definitely address the physio-psycho aspects of her experience. Any merit to this idea?
So glad you had a lovely weekend...I love you!
Clare
Why was/is fat such a major sin in our family? Because Grammy was fat? Did she hate herself? Did her kids hate her? Did her husband use it against her?
I think part of the problem was specific fat...like when our breasts were bigger than Mom's. I know it bothered her a lot. Breasts evoked a lot of emotion. Then she lost one to cancer. Is there a connection? Do we love them, or do we hate them, or do we hide them? Do we use them? I added my nursing history and realized I had breastfed for 13.5 years. Mine are well used. Looking at the questions, considering our bodies - do we love them, do we hate them, do we use them? I say no to all, and add maybe - Do we hide them? Yes. Maybe that's what the burka is all about. I don't wear make-up. I love my oversized dark hoodie - a great place to hide...Brings me back to: Am I beautiful? And of course no one's answer is important except my own.
Do I want to be beautiful? That question terrifies me. It makes me feel vulnearble and maybe like I am not worth anything else but my appearance. So I sacrifice appearance and feel worthless in general.
I dreamed about the basement, about foundations. Then I dreamed about Mom's criticism of my appearance. Is this at least part of the foundation I am trying to uncover and understand? I keep wondering what the yellow tile means. Because it is covering up the beautiful natural floor.
If I said this before, I apologize and I'll claim the forgetfullness of old age. After my marriage ended, I was working more than usual - because someone left the newspaper and I was picking up a lot of that work until a new writer came in. My kids were a little more sedentary than ever before, and cooking more for themselves. My two younger sons put on a little weight. The youngest didn't truly lose it until he grew into it, until he got tall. He told me once that he was grateful to me and to his siblings because never once was he called names or made to feel bad about his body. I was proud of us at that moment.
My youngest walked in when I was writing a blog and asked about it. She asked to hear some of the comments about her. In the course of it, she heard/saw something about B#1. Later she told me that she has always had a hard time with him, because all of my kids know he doesn't like them, and we know he is not nice to them, but she didn't want to know that he abused you. She doesn't want to know, she doesn't want her daughter to know. She thinks it's great that you and I are working on this together, but we need to keep it private. According to her, maybe even this blog is too public. It was exactly the response I "felt" from Ss# 4& 5. Don't ruin our memories of our happy childhood - keep it secret. I told her secrecy was the place that allowed abuse to thrive. She agreed, but...not our family, not in public...
By telling your husband that you feel numb, you are being truly vulnerable. Paradox...
I did dance for about half the night. Then I went downstairs where someone had to keep an eye on the bake sale and made a Friend go upstairs and dance. It was her birthday! I actually felt good, I had a nice time. Some very close friends were there and I felt cherished and supported.
Today, though, I am sick. I got what's going round, and I can't afford to miss work tomorrow. Sigh...Too bad we weren't born into a family that was independently wealthy!
Getting ready to sign off, and thought of an idea...My youngest has a friend who is one of my non-bio children. She has been through sexual abuse, and was talking about starting a blog. What if she wrote her story, and then we analyzed and commented as a chapter of a book. You could definitely address the physio-psycho aspects of her experience. Any merit to this idea?
So glad you had a lovely weekend...I love you!
Clare
Because Nice Matters!
You are correct that we were not told that we were beautiful, or worthy while we were growing up...
it was about being fat...
that's the one that I remember the most.
After I left home...was in Med school Mom once referred to me as intelligent and beautiful...
but I was too scarred to believe it...
I never take a compliment...
but I hoard criticisms..
I remember anything negative that is said about me...even if it's neutral and I perceive it as negative...
I want to believe the worst.
I got a rejection letter from the journal that I submitted a manuscript to...
In it there were 3 critiques...each with a balance of positive and negative points.
I hang onto the negatives...rambling...too technical...not focused.
I have to re-read it to see that there are positive comments as well and suggestions how to improve the writing. But I keep having these thoughts; maybe I don't belong in social work because I am not writing effectively for them...self doubt...even though I have followed a path that has serendipitously opened for me, therefore I know it is correct.
Self-doubt sucks.
Years ago I put a sign in my kitchen, "Because Nice Matters".
I remind my kids that it does matter how and what you say to your siblings and others...
I don't think that we were ever taught to be nice to each other...
It's a shame because we all hurt each other so deeply that now we avoid contact and real connection.
Anyway, whenever my kids made a comment about one of the others' physical features that was negative I would stop them and point to the sign.
I only heard them use the word "fat" once and rarely tease one about being 'flat chested'...
the boys are tougher on each other, teasing about red hair, teasing about their "privates"...but for the most part they maintain respect. I hope they don't have the same sense that I had growing up...being less than perfect in all ways.
I had an opportunity this weekend to spend time with husband.
It was a quiet and relaxed time.
It was good for both of us.
I shared with him that I am unable truly love because I am emotionally numb...
but that I am trying to become more vulnerable...
it was a good discussion...
he was great, receptive...
I hope that you are feeling better.
I hope that you didn't get too much snow.
I love you...
Maggie
I hope you danced!
it was about being fat...
that's the one that I remember the most.
After I left home...was in Med school Mom once referred to me as intelligent and beautiful...
but I was too scarred to believe it...
I never take a compliment...
but I hoard criticisms..
I remember anything negative that is said about me...even if it's neutral and I perceive it as negative...
I want to believe the worst.
I got a rejection letter from the journal that I submitted a manuscript to...
In it there were 3 critiques...each with a balance of positive and negative points.
I hang onto the negatives...rambling...too technical...not focused.
I have to re-read it to see that there are positive comments as well and suggestions how to improve the writing. But I keep having these thoughts; maybe I don't belong in social work because I am not writing effectively for them...self doubt...even though I have followed a path that has serendipitously opened for me, therefore I know it is correct.
Self-doubt sucks.
Years ago I put a sign in my kitchen, "Because Nice Matters".
I remind my kids that it does matter how and what you say to your siblings and others...
I don't think that we were ever taught to be nice to each other...
It's a shame because we all hurt each other so deeply that now we avoid contact and real connection.
Anyway, whenever my kids made a comment about one of the others' physical features that was negative I would stop them and point to the sign.
I only heard them use the word "fat" once and rarely tease one about being 'flat chested'...
the boys are tougher on each other, teasing about red hair, teasing about their "privates"...but for the most part they maintain respect. I hope they don't have the same sense that I had growing up...being less than perfect in all ways.
I had an opportunity this weekend to spend time with husband.
It was a quiet and relaxed time.
It was good for both of us.
I shared with him that I am unable truly love because I am emotionally numb...
but that I am trying to become more vulnerable...
it was a good discussion...
he was great, receptive...
I hope that you are feeling better.
I hope that you didn't get too much snow.
I love you...
Maggie
I hope you danced!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Dreambit
I had a long dream last night, and only remember one tiny bit. In waking life, I have been using pure coconut oil to moisturize my face. I did this in my dream and looked in the mirror and was astounded at how healthy and clear my skin was. I was on the floor playing with kids when Mom walked in. From the floor, I said, "Doesn't my skin look good!". She looked at me and said no. So I went to the bathroom and saw I had splashes on my face from playing. They wiped right off, and my skin did look great.
I woke up - it was one of those nights where I was awake and thinking - and remembered a photograph of me at about age 13. I remember Mom saying it looked good, but too bad about my skin. I looked at it, and said - "Some of that is freckles, Mom. It's not all acne." I remembered how quietly and nicely she commented on my skin and my weight all through my teenage years - too bad about the acne, here is another diet book, she would do it with me if it helped. In truth, I was never out of the healthy weight range in high school. In truth, I have always been aware of being not nice enough, not pretty enough, not acceptable...
I am struggling with this now. My children are beautiful. I know I am their Mom, and I am partisan, but my kids are exceptionally beautiful. You, my sisters are also gorgeous - all 4 of you. I share the same gene pool - so why am I the only one who is not pretty?
And why was it so important that I not feel pretty?
My oldest daughter asked me once why I didn't warn her that men were going to be interested in her simply because of the way she looks. I couldn't tell her, because I did not know that was a message.
Off to meetinghouse...Have a snowy-bright day!
Love, Clare
I woke up - it was one of those nights where I was awake and thinking - and remembered a photograph of me at about age 13. I remember Mom saying it looked good, but too bad about my skin. I looked at it, and said - "Some of that is freckles, Mom. It's not all acne." I remembered how quietly and nicely she commented on my skin and my weight all through my teenage years - too bad about the acne, here is another diet book, she would do it with me if it helped. In truth, I was never out of the healthy weight range in high school. In truth, I have always been aware of being not nice enough, not pretty enough, not acceptable...
I am struggling with this now. My children are beautiful. I know I am their Mom, and I am partisan, but my kids are exceptionally beautiful. You, my sisters are also gorgeous - all 4 of you. I share the same gene pool - so why am I the only one who is not pretty?
And why was it so important that I not feel pretty?
My oldest daughter asked me once why I didn't warn her that men were going to be interested in her simply because of the way she looks. I couldn't tell her, because I did not know that was a message.
Off to meetinghouse...Have a snowy-bright day!
Love, Clare
Friday, February 8, 2013
Witness
If you are being led to speak, you must speak. I think anger, as well as all of your deeply held emotions, is your friend. Maybe the next part of your message is: Look around. If a woman is raped every minute, and...spew some statistics...then this many women have been raped...and so on for those who have abuse physical, sexual, emotional abuse...those who have witnessed abuse, those who have been dismissed rather than believed. Eventually we will realize that almost every single one of us is damaged and trying as hard as we can. Some of us look as successful and bright as you. But just imagine, just imagine if we were all whole. Just imagine what the world would be like. Just imagine how our species would shine and love each other and love the planet and share and support each other...
Just imagine...
Me, too...we heal together.
And for a lyrical interlude:
Much as you blame yourself, you can't be blamed for the way that you feel
Had no example of a love, that was even remotely real
How can you understand something that you never had
Ooh baby if you let me, I can help you out with all of that
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
And all your trouble
Don't be afraid, girl let me help
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
A heart of numbness, gets brought to life
I'll take you there
That is by Ne-Yo, from Let Me Love You.
I admit I am a Gleek sometimes. I was watching an older show while knitting this evening, and this song stopped me. And earlier today I had a conversation with someone about Johnny Cash and June Carter. Who saved who in that marriage?
I guess I have been wondering how much of this work we do alone, and how much we need someone else to mirror our beauty. If someone else sees me, is it possible to finally see myself?
I remember a quote from the film Shall We Dance. Susan Sarandon's character says:
We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
We weren't witnessed as children and so we are lost. Now we are trying to find ourselves, to become good enough to be witnessed.
In away that is what you are doing by talking about abuse, the asking people to witness you and your strength and your struggles...I am still hiding. And my thoughts are all over the place. And I am beginning to get the cold my grandson had last week.
So I am going to take my sniffling self to bed. Tomorrow will be a long day at meetinghouse, preparing for a contradance, then hopefully, I will feel like dancing!
I love you, Sleep well little sister...
Clare
Just imagine...
Me, too...we heal together.
And for a lyrical interlude:
Much as you blame yourself, you can't be blamed for the way that you feel
Had no example of a love, that was even remotely real
How can you understand something that you never had
Ooh baby if you let me, I can help you out with all of that
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
And all your trouble
Don't be afraid, girl let me help
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
A heart of numbness, gets brought to life
I'll take you there
That is by Ne-Yo, from Let Me Love You.
I admit I am a Gleek sometimes. I was watching an older show while knitting this evening, and this song stopped me. And earlier today I had a conversation with someone about Johnny Cash and June Carter. Who saved who in that marriage?
I guess I have been wondering how much of this work we do alone, and how much we need someone else to mirror our beauty. If someone else sees me, is it possible to finally see myself?
I remember a quote from the film Shall We Dance. Susan Sarandon's character says:
We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
We weren't witnessed as children and so we are lost. Now we are trying to find ourselves, to become good enough to be witnessed.
In away that is what you are doing by talking about abuse, the asking people to witness you and your strength and your struggles...I am still hiding. And my thoughts are all over the place. And I am beginning to get the cold my grandson had last week.
So I am going to take my sniffling self to bed. Tomorrow will be a long day at meetinghouse, preparing for a contradance, then hopefully, I will feel like dancing!
I love you, Sleep well little sister...
Clare
Thursday, February 7, 2013
tough call
I am angry...
I am very reluctant to voice the anger though because I become so passionate about what I say that I quiver and my body begins to shiver and pretty soon it's like shaking chills...
I am such a Quaker.
I have begun speaking publicly about child abuse and the damage from it...
sometimes I share it from a clinical, research point of view, and sometimes I feel safe enough to disclose that I, too am a survivor.
The response has been overwhelmingly supportive...
not pity...
I am amazed because people talk about being in "awe"...
they cannot understand how a survivor can achieve and be together and successful...
I tell them that hidden beneath all of that is a person who doesn't trust...
doesn't feel safe...
and stays as busy as possible so that I don't have to think about it.
I am trying to teach that there are many levels of this "survival"
there's being able to survive the trauma physically, but emotionally and spiritually turned off,
there's being able to repress the trauma...so that to the outside view you are productive and adjusted,
and then there is the person who can process the events...let go of the pain and guilt and self-loathing...and really take back their life.
I am trying to reach that third level.
I want to be whole.
I loved the blog...
we are on to something that is bigger than us if others are describing the same entrapment.
perhaps we should work on a book.
I have been sharing my feelings and experiences with my oldest child...
she is open to discussion...
my second shies away from discussions that have to do with my childhood abuse...
my third knows that abuse happened...but doesn't want details...
the youngest has heard bits and pieces...but hasn't asked for any information...
I would love to blog to them, but they aren't ready for this yet. When they ask I will share with them.
I like the fact that people are telling their children...
but shouldn't we talk about this as they grow..to plant those seeds that foster respect and care for each other as they are growing? It's a tough call.
The dreams are interesting...have you thought of contacting your ex? Just to see what's up?
I am traveling this weekend...
hopefully I will have Internet to check in.
I love you,
Maggie
I am very reluctant to voice the anger though because I become so passionate about what I say that I quiver and my body begins to shiver and pretty soon it's like shaking chills...
I am such a Quaker.
I have begun speaking publicly about child abuse and the damage from it...
sometimes I share it from a clinical, research point of view, and sometimes I feel safe enough to disclose that I, too am a survivor.
The response has been overwhelmingly supportive...
not pity...
I am amazed because people talk about being in "awe"...
they cannot understand how a survivor can achieve and be together and successful...
I tell them that hidden beneath all of that is a person who doesn't trust...
doesn't feel safe...
and stays as busy as possible so that I don't have to think about it.
I am trying to teach that there are many levels of this "survival"
there's being able to survive the trauma physically, but emotionally and spiritually turned off,
there's being able to repress the trauma...so that to the outside view you are productive and adjusted,
and then there is the person who can process the events...let go of the pain and guilt and self-loathing...and really take back their life.
I am trying to reach that third level.
I want to be whole.
I loved the blog...
we are on to something that is bigger than us if others are describing the same entrapment.
perhaps we should work on a book.
I have been sharing my feelings and experiences with my oldest child...
she is open to discussion...
my second shies away from discussions that have to do with my childhood abuse...
my third knows that abuse happened...but doesn't want details...
the youngest has heard bits and pieces...but hasn't asked for any information...
I would love to blog to them, but they aren't ready for this yet. When they ask I will share with them.
I like the fact that people are telling their children...
but shouldn't we talk about this as they grow..to plant those seeds that foster respect and care for each other as they are growing? It's a tough call.
The dreams are interesting...have you thought of contacting your ex? Just to see what's up?
I am traveling this weekend...
hopefully I will have Internet to check in.
I love you,
Maggie
Swamp/Cesspool - it's all the same
Value resiliency and not just brokenness.
There was a time when I was young where I felt damaged and I pretty much only identified with people I thought were as messed up as I was. Because they would understand and not judge me. But at some point, I decided to focus on people who are trying to deal with the junk in their trunk and are trying to make things better. Sometimes it takes a really long to time to do that, I think. And notice, I didn't say succeed -- I said try. That's the thing about going through shit in your life. You have to try and wade through it because the alternative is just to stand there, neck-deep in feces. There was a time when I could stand by the people who wouldn't even try to fight their way out, but I can't now. Because I don't want to get sucked in. Now I have priorities. Besides, it's really not your job to fix people. It's your job to love them while they fix themselves.
There was a time when I was young where I felt damaged and I pretty much only identified with people I thought were as messed up as I was. Because they would understand and not judge me. But at some point, I decided to focus on people who are trying to deal with the junk in their trunk and are trying to make things better. Sometimes it takes a really long to time to do that, I think. And notice, I didn't say succeed -- I said try. That's the thing about going through shit in your life. You have to try and wade through it because the alternative is just to stand there, neck-deep in feces. There was a time when I could stand by the people who wouldn't even try to fight their way out, but I can't now. Because I don't want to get sucked in. Now I have priorities. Besides, it's really not your job to fix people. It's your job to love them while they fix themselves.
From: A Letter to My Kids Because I'm 40 and That's Old - Julianna W. Miner
(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julianna-w-miner/a-letter-to-my-kids-because-im-40-and-thats-old_b_2630846.html)
My eldest sent me a blog post today, and this paragraph jumped out at me. She's talking about the swamp. And the weird feeling I had after reading this, was that it might be warm to stand there. And walking out is going to be chilling, and it's going to smell awful, and the weight of the crap is going to be hard to carry. But once out of the cesspool - we can rinse in clear water, shake ourselves off and dry in the sunshine for a little while. We regain strength and explore the healthy, loving, accepting world around us that we can only dream about now.
One line I would add to the end...It's your job to lead the way!
Hope all is well,
Love from Clare
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