fatherless generations

Hey Little Sister,

I think I am really preparing, and preparing appropriately, for Dad's birthday party.

My youngest started venting about her Dad and Light came pushing out of my brain, surrounded her, and landed everywhere.

She was just accepted into a new program.  She is excited.  She told her sister, whose acceptance she also wants, so much.  Then she told her Dad.  Her Dad can be counted on to say something mean.  That is his thing.  Then he laughs all by himself.

I remember when thinking about divorce, one thing I really noticed was how mean his maternal grandfather was, how much they resembled each other, and how much they both loved to drink.  I remember thinking I didn't want to be married to that. 

And I was right. He has become increasingly snide and mean and cutting.  And he does it with our oldest from time to time, because she is the one who will drink with him. They drink and release pain by criticizing others.

So big sister sent little sister a text mentioning some bad reviews of the school she will attend. My youngest launched into her favorite rendition of I never do anything right, they don't approve of anything I do...lalalalala...So I said, let's change that.  Let's say, "Thanks for having my back. We can find some bad reviews of your school too."

And what about Dad?

Don't tell him.

Don't tell him?

If he is only going to make you feel bad, don't tell him.

She mentioned that he visited recently and never contacted her. She wanted to stop and visit his ex-girlfriend, but not go see him. I told her he set precedent. She didn't have to go if she didn't want to.

Then she launched into her dad, and into his parents. She loved his parents, but she said they created this.  And I said yeah, because someone did it to them...

But her dad...I was thinking about ours, and that underlying wish to make peace. That feeling that there is still time for him to come to his senses and suddenly be aware that we were exceptional children and he really screwed up our chances for so much.

But it is not going to happen.

And it won't happen for her either.  So she switched to her daughter and said she felt so bad because her daughter did not have him as a grandfather. She deserved to have him, her life was poorer.

And I reminded her of the grandparent figures that kid has in her life. She has so many older adults who are there for her...I pointed out to my daughter, that her daughter could care less.  She had no concept that anything should be different.  That this grandfather is definitely in her life.  He showed up a few times a year, for holidays.  That would be her memory and it was okay.

What my daughter was really mourning was that she does not have a Daddy.  There we were, right in the center of the Light.  That fatherless girl mourning her life.  And I acknowledged that she did not have a dad.  But we had two very close men friends who definitely Papa-ed her.

She said she gets so upset at her boyfriend's dad, who can be pretty thoughtless, but he's there...

She is right. She does not have a dad.  She has to be honest and admit she really doesn't want the one she has. She is dreaming of a kinder version...

Ain't gonna happen...

So tired of coughing.

Love and hugs from Clare