Hi Maggie,
Have you ever seen Jane Elliott's work on blue eyes and brown eyes? She was inspired by Martin Luther King, Jr. She did an experiment with elementary aged kids. You should read up on her, if you haven't. Some of her work would apply to what you are doing.
I have been thinking about kindness. I said that I wanted to be kind to Dad, to family. Then I remembered, and I may have shared this...I had a huge aloe plant in the window. The older cat kept climbing in it to bask and nap, smashing part of the plant. I put rocks on the soil. I put plastic forks in the soil. Then my friend said, move the plant over and put a blanket there. I looked at him and said, "And I think I am a pacifist..."
The two oldest dogs in residence here like to sleep on my bed. After the drought, we got days of rain, then the temperature went way up. There were ticks everywhere. I got so paranoid that I closed my door and would not let the girls in. The next morning, when I walked out of my room, I stepped in a pee-puddle. I immediately assumed it was a retaliatory pee. But my closest friend said, maybe they were waiting, just waiting outside, then the older, incontinent dog just lost it.
She is kinder than I am.
I read an article today about dealing with difficult people. Some of the advice given was: view the situation through their lens. Ask yourself, what are they feeling? What is my responsibility in this?
And: remember that insecurity prompts people to behave badly.
So when I am a a big party, I feel overwhelmed and like I want to retreat. I get quiet. Maybe Papa gets bristly. I think he truly believes he is funny when he is insulting. Maybe he is using humor to cope with the stress.
What is my responsibility? I realize I am being judgmental. I am holding him to a Daddy standard he has never met and will never be able to meet. And when he is not that, I am dismissive like his Dad...see he just failed again.
So how do we break this multigenerational cycle?
Mom included request for prayers for my youngest in the family letter. So they got my note. I wondered what would happen next, remembered my commitment to kindness, and sent Mom a short note thanking her for praying and asking for prayers.
So she called me this afternoon to ask about my daughter and to say they noted she looked pinched, and a little off. Not an apology, but I am not being cut out of the family for the next five years.
Our family is making some progress I believe!
My headset is not working, which is making work a pain...and tomorrow a manager is going to listen to me...which means the headset is going to be a bigger deal.
Ah, life...
Love and hugs from Clare
I am holding your youngest in the Light. May his warrior emerge and courage shine forth from him. And may he learn a valuable lesson.
Monday, October 31, 2016
alas…I like that word
Clare,
I'm sitting in my kitchen gumming pumpkin bread…
trying to not bite the inside of my mouth…
it's numb.
I broke a molar eating caramel corn yesterday…
I thought I'd picked out all of the unpopped kernels…
but alas…
So I visited my dentist and now...
I have a new half a molar.
My youngest is spinning right now…
he was enjoying freedom while we were distracted by the young man…
but, he got into a few situations that have him bordering on trouble.
I cannot go into all of the details at this time…
but he's dealing with some serious shit and has to walk through the heat he's created.
He wants to switch schools…
we said no.
He wants us to make it all disappear…
we said no.
We said, "we will be by your side, helping you to deal with consequences, but you need to stay put and walk through this time."
I'll keep you posted.
Sometimes I believe he is educating me on many important life lessons.
I'm teaching about acculturation, assimilation, white privilege, bias, etc. tonight…
I have an activity to demonstrate white privilege…
and a video about forced acculturation of indigenous american children at the Carlisle School.
It should be an interesting class.
I am trying to hear the phrase, "They're doing the best they can, under the circumstances."when I am dealing with difficult people. Papa D is a difficult person. He has such a tough exterior that he believes that is the best survival tactic.
I believe he insults us…
or at least never praises us…
to toughen us up for the world. I really think he believes he is helping us to cope.
Perhaps his words to your daughter were meant to cause separation…
separation means less grieving when he dies.
I don't want to suppose what his words were meant to do…
but he is scared to the bone…
he's coping by being an ass hole…
like my young man- he is using what has worked best for him in the past.
Survival instincts are strong and ingrained…
bear witness to his journey without buying into his ways.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm sitting in my kitchen gumming pumpkin bread…
trying to not bite the inside of my mouth…
it's numb.
I broke a molar eating caramel corn yesterday…
I thought I'd picked out all of the unpopped kernels…
but alas…
So I visited my dentist and now...
I have a new half a molar.
My youngest is spinning right now…
he was enjoying freedom while we were distracted by the young man…
but, he got into a few situations that have him bordering on trouble.
I cannot go into all of the details at this time…
but he's dealing with some serious shit and has to walk through the heat he's created.
He wants to switch schools…
we said no.
He wants us to make it all disappear…
we said no.
We said, "we will be by your side, helping you to deal with consequences, but you need to stay put and walk through this time."
I'll keep you posted.
Sometimes I believe he is educating me on many important life lessons.
I'm teaching about acculturation, assimilation, white privilege, bias, etc. tonight…
I have an activity to demonstrate white privilege…
and a video about forced acculturation of indigenous american children at the Carlisle School.
It should be an interesting class.
I am trying to hear the phrase, "They're doing the best they can, under the circumstances."when I am dealing with difficult people. Papa D is a difficult person. He has such a tough exterior that he believes that is the best survival tactic.
I believe he insults us…
or at least never praises us…
to toughen us up for the world. I really think he believes he is helping us to cope.
Perhaps his words to your daughter were meant to cause separation…
separation means less grieving when he dies.
I don't want to suppose what his words were meant to do…
but he is scared to the bone…
he's coping by being an ass hole…
like my young man- he is using what has worked best for him in the past.
Survival instincts are strong and ingrained…
bear witness to his journey without buying into his ways.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, October 30, 2016
from desert to home
Hi Maggie,
We saw the zombie photos on social media. My oldest granddaughter was very impressed by your husband's zombie make up. Very well done! Glad to know the run was such a success.
Thank you so much for pointing out that Dad just doesn't know how to connect. It pulled me a few degrees away from believing he enjoys hurting people's feelings. I want to be kind, and you pulled me to a kinder place.
I appreciate it very much!
It is hard to get past the in-your-face mean remarks. I am not sure how long it will take my daughter to get to that point. I remember earlier this year it took me about three days to find a sweet memory about Dad. Once we get to that point, it gets easier to find it...but at first it is like wandering, lost in the desert, trying to find a way home.
I have not had any response to my note. I kind of expect not to get a response. I think I just have to see how way opens and see if Dad talks to me.
My best friend invited me to brunch today. We were very European, and spent about two hours, leisurely making our way through a delicious brunch. Then she came here for tea, and we talked for another two hours.
It feels so good to connect. It was such a gift on a dreary day to focus completely on someone I care about, and to listen to what she is going through, and to share reflections from last weekend, and from other aspects of my life.
We all need each other, and we forget.
Wear pjs to dinner, and order wine. I hope you can relax and enjoy time with your husband, connecting a little. You two have been through a lot...
I had three grandkids overnight. We carved jack-o-lanterns. I like the traditions that define a year.
End of a longish, but nice, weekend...
Love and hugs from Clare
We saw the zombie photos on social media. My oldest granddaughter was very impressed by your husband's zombie make up. Very well done! Glad to know the run was such a success.
Thank you so much for pointing out that Dad just doesn't know how to connect. It pulled me a few degrees away from believing he enjoys hurting people's feelings. I want to be kind, and you pulled me to a kinder place.
I appreciate it very much!
It is hard to get past the in-your-face mean remarks. I am not sure how long it will take my daughter to get to that point. I remember earlier this year it took me about three days to find a sweet memory about Dad. Once we get to that point, it gets easier to find it...but at first it is like wandering, lost in the desert, trying to find a way home.
I have not had any response to my note. I kind of expect not to get a response. I think I just have to see how way opens and see if Dad talks to me.
My best friend invited me to brunch today. We were very European, and spent about two hours, leisurely making our way through a delicious brunch. Then she came here for tea, and we talked for another two hours.
It feels so good to connect. It was such a gift on a dreary day to focus completely on someone I care about, and to listen to what she is going through, and to share reflections from last weekend, and from other aspects of my life.
We all need each other, and we forget.
Wear pjs to dinner, and order wine. I hope you can relax and enjoy time with your husband, connecting a little. You two have been through a lot...
I had three grandkids overnight. We carved jack-o-lanterns. I like the traditions that define a year.
End of a longish, but nice, weekend...
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, October 29, 2016
glass of wine and PJs
Clare,
I am at the end of a very demanding week…
no time to think, reflect, pause, be quiet.
Today I organized a 5K Zombie run…
it was more successful than we anticipated…
leaving me with a few more things to do on Monday.
Daughter #2 was a zombie (husband and the youngest were too)…
she stayed and helped me make snack for Meeting tomorrow…
I love cooking and hanging out with her.
She avoided home when the young man was here…
so it is nice to have her coming back again.
I still have to prepare my lecture for Monday evening…
and husband made dinner reservations.
Sometimes I wan to hide in my room and not come out.
Life's demands do not end…
that is a blessing…
I have to take time to slow and breathe.
My reflections on last weekend…
I enjoyed being surrounded by family. After I wrote my letter many did not speak to me…
I appreciate that they have made peace with those feelings…
or maybe rewritten it.
I had a conversation with Papa…
he told me all about his consultations, procedures, and plans.
He told me that he has "fired" several of his doctors because things were not as he wanted it to be…
they kept him waiting, told him something he didn't like…
It's his way of controlling what he can control…
making it less scary.
I felt like he has a good handle on his choices…
I'm not sure anyone can anticipate the pain and stress that's to come.
He doesn't know how to talk to young people. He doesn't know how to talk to us. He tries to connect. He fails when he tries. But, he is trying. I agree that he does not take time to know people…
too demanding…
too much effort.
I hope that your daughter can conjure up another memory of Papa to hold on to….
for her sake.
I am off to dinner…
because husband thinks I need a break…
I need a glass of wine and PJs.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am at the end of a very demanding week…
no time to think, reflect, pause, be quiet.
Today I organized a 5K Zombie run…
it was more successful than we anticipated…
leaving me with a few more things to do on Monday.
Daughter #2 was a zombie (husband and the youngest were too)…
she stayed and helped me make snack for Meeting tomorrow…
I love cooking and hanging out with her.
She avoided home when the young man was here…
so it is nice to have her coming back again.
I still have to prepare my lecture for Monday evening…
and husband made dinner reservations.
Sometimes I wan to hide in my room and not come out.
Life's demands do not end…
that is a blessing…
I have to take time to slow and breathe.
My reflections on last weekend…
I enjoyed being surrounded by family. After I wrote my letter many did not speak to me…
I appreciate that they have made peace with those feelings…
or maybe rewritten it.
I had a conversation with Papa…
he told me all about his consultations, procedures, and plans.
He told me that he has "fired" several of his doctors because things were not as he wanted it to be…
they kept him waiting, told him something he didn't like…
It's his way of controlling what he can control…
making it less scary.
I felt like he has a good handle on his choices…
I'm not sure anyone can anticipate the pain and stress that's to come.
He doesn't know how to talk to young people. He doesn't know how to talk to us. He tries to connect. He fails when he tries. But, he is trying. I agree that he does not take time to know people…
too demanding…
too much effort.
I hope that your daughter can conjure up another memory of Papa to hold on to….
for her sake.
I am off to dinner…
because husband thinks I need a break…
I need a glass of wine and PJs.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Mother Tiger
I have been waiting for you...and hoping everything is all right.
I am in the aftermath...
Dad patted my youngest's belly and told her it was too bad she never lost her baby fat. He told her she looked 10 years older than she is.
He is going to die and these are the words that will remain.
He said her boyfriend looks like a fat B#1.
Mother Tiger emerged. I sent him a card to arrive on his actual birthday and I included a note. The last time I wrote them a letter, he refused to speak to me for five years.
If that happens again, it is over between us. There will never be another chance.
But you know, I have been talked to like that for all of my life. I have been convinced that I deserve it. But not my child. Not my brave and wonderful baby.
I sent them a letter with no opening address -No Dear Dad and Mom. I just said I wanted to give them the update on my youngest.
I said - she did lose her baby fat. She was doing great. But then after work one night, she slipped and dislocated her kneecap. The kneecap began to dislocate regularly, so she went to an orthopedist who did an MRI and found a birth defect in the formation of her knee. They did an experimental surgery.
I didn't tell them that the surgery was not completely successful, and she has been having problems on and off for the past almost two years.
But I did tell them she slipped this summer and damaged the donor tendon. Now the kneecap is loose again. She is on pain killers much of the time, as well as muscle relaxants. This has been hard on her, and on her appearance.
I told them that it kills me that she is in pain. But she is in pain almost continuously.
I hate that my child is in pain. I hate it.
I told them that she will have a reparative surgery on November 4, and I asked them to pray for her.
I told them that she is enrolled to go back to school, she works full time, and she takes great care of her child.
She is someone to be proud of.
I also mentioned that if he bothered to get to know David, he would have found a shy, gentle, generous, warm-hearted, kind and funny man. So much more than fat.
I ended by saying kindness matters, and that is what I want for this family. I told them I love them both so much...
My daughter's attitude was - I took time off from work for this...
She say she has no heart. I say he has a broken heart from what his dad and brothers did to him. I say he does not want any of us close to him. He can not stand the pain of vulnerability.
So we made it. We have happy pictures.
I was actually pretty relaxed and okay. If I had a car I would have left about two hours before we did. I was tired, and drifting off.
What are your reflections?
Love and hugs from Clare
I am in the aftermath...
Dad patted my youngest's belly and told her it was too bad she never lost her baby fat. He told her she looked 10 years older than she is.
He is going to die and these are the words that will remain.
He said her boyfriend looks like a fat B#1.
Mother Tiger emerged. I sent him a card to arrive on his actual birthday and I included a note. The last time I wrote them a letter, he refused to speak to me for five years.
If that happens again, it is over between us. There will never be another chance.
But you know, I have been talked to like that for all of my life. I have been convinced that I deserve it. But not my child. Not my brave and wonderful baby.
I sent them a letter with no opening address -No Dear Dad and Mom. I just said I wanted to give them the update on my youngest.
I said - she did lose her baby fat. She was doing great. But then after work one night, she slipped and dislocated her kneecap. The kneecap began to dislocate regularly, so she went to an orthopedist who did an MRI and found a birth defect in the formation of her knee. They did an experimental surgery.
I didn't tell them that the surgery was not completely successful, and she has been having problems on and off for the past almost two years.
But I did tell them she slipped this summer and damaged the donor tendon. Now the kneecap is loose again. She is on pain killers much of the time, as well as muscle relaxants. This has been hard on her, and on her appearance.
I told them that it kills me that she is in pain. But she is in pain almost continuously.
I hate that my child is in pain. I hate it.
I told them that she will have a reparative surgery on November 4, and I asked them to pray for her.
I told them that she is enrolled to go back to school, she works full time, and she takes great care of her child.
She is someone to be proud of.
I also mentioned that if he bothered to get to know David, he would have found a shy, gentle, generous, warm-hearted, kind and funny man. So much more than fat.
I ended by saying kindness matters, and that is what I want for this family. I told them I love them both so much...
My daughter's attitude was - I took time off from work for this...
She say she has no heart. I say he has a broken heart from what his dad and brothers did to him. I say he does not want any of us close to him. He can not stand the pain of vulnerability.
So we made it. We have happy pictures.
I was actually pretty relaxed and okay. If I had a car I would have left about two hours before we did. I was tired, and drifting off.
What are your reflections?
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, October 20, 2016
in the web
Hi Maggie,
I was working with flower essences years ago and pansy explained the concept of balance. To be balanced, one must constantly adjust...a little forward, a little back...sometimes almost a topple forward followed by an equal topple back. Less graceful. But, said pansy, when one stands still...that is death.
So I agree with you...
You're coughing too? Maybe we can perform a coughing cantata, a duet with harmony, this weekend. I am not sure what sets me off. Pretty much anything!
I love the idea of a mama/baby classroom. I think it is perfect. That is exactly the bonding young moms need. Too often the solution is - 6 weeks old, institutionalize that baby, you have had enough time. Something I read earlier this week reminded me when we are humane, we leave puppies and kittens with their mamas until at least eight weeks. It is shocking that we are not so humane with our infants, our precious babies. We mutely obey corporate orders, and mourn and die inside.
I'm glad you have reconnected with your young man. He needs to know relationships change, boundaries must be respected, but love goes on. This may be the most important lesson you can teach him. Maybe his is the lesson you were called to teach him. Maybe this is the way it was supposed to work out...
I hope your youngest is okay. What is happening?
I am more than at ease with Papa's decision. I am feeling a glimmer of respect for him. Perhaps this is where the Light breaks in and transformation takes place...I am still transcribing notes from last weekend...Quakerspeak pervades my brain!!
It is hard to tell the mood of the writer sometime, so I will admit I am giggling...
I am the problem child? And S#3 is the one who can handle me? She was charged with making sure I attended this weekend?
I started calling S#3 regularly after her suicide attempt. And we started spending more and more time together. We have become close friends. She makes me laugh. I think that was the natural result of doing the work of reaching out regularly, even if I didn't have much to say.
I am getting teary now...
Then with this blog...I have been touching in with you almost daily for years. Even when I am blank mess. I have been faithful to our Light. I have been showing up. And now you are part of the grain of my daily life. I miss you on days you are not here.
And I have been playing on-line Scrabble with S#5 for months - maybe a year or more. With every play, we send each other a message. I am in touch with her. I can feel her quickly.
Before, I always had the sense that it didn't matter if I were there or not - at family gatherings. If I were there, I made it into the photos for posterity. But if I wasn't - who cared. No one was going to miss me. It was all a sham anyway. I didn't talk to any of you for months or even years, then had to show up with my plastic smile and pretend we all knew and cared for each other. Mostly I just wanted to go to my corner, or to go home.
But now I have three sisters. I have three loving heart connections. I have a place.
I don't think Dad would care if I were there or not. He still doesn't like me very much. Mom would care, but only enough to make me feel guilty.
But I have sisters. I finally have sisters. I am part of the web in a way I have never been part before.
Part of me dreads the reunion. But part of me is calm and expectant.
I love you so much. Thanks for being here with me for all these years. I appreciate you so much.
Love and hugs and a few tears from Clare
I was working with flower essences years ago and pansy explained the concept of balance. To be balanced, one must constantly adjust...a little forward, a little back...sometimes almost a topple forward followed by an equal topple back. Less graceful. But, said pansy, when one stands still...that is death.
So I agree with you...
You're coughing too? Maybe we can perform a coughing cantata, a duet with harmony, this weekend. I am not sure what sets me off. Pretty much anything!
I love the idea of a mama/baby classroom. I think it is perfect. That is exactly the bonding young moms need. Too often the solution is - 6 weeks old, institutionalize that baby, you have had enough time. Something I read earlier this week reminded me when we are humane, we leave puppies and kittens with their mamas until at least eight weeks. It is shocking that we are not so humane with our infants, our precious babies. We mutely obey corporate orders, and mourn and die inside.
I'm glad you have reconnected with your young man. He needs to know relationships change, boundaries must be respected, but love goes on. This may be the most important lesson you can teach him. Maybe his is the lesson you were called to teach him. Maybe this is the way it was supposed to work out...
I hope your youngest is okay. What is happening?
I am more than at ease with Papa's decision. I am feeling a glimmer of respect for him. Perhaps this is where the Light breaks in and transformation takes place...I am still transcribing notes from last weekend...Quakerspeak pervades my brain!!
It is hard to tell the mood of the writer sometime, so I will admit I am giggling...
I am the problem child? And S#3 is the one who can handle me? She was charged with making sure I attended this weekend?
I started calling S#3 regularly after her suicide attempt. And we started spending more and more time together. We have become close friends. She makes me laugh. I think that was the natural result of doing the work of reaching out regularly, even if I didn't have much to say.
I am getting teary now...
Then with this blog...I have been touching in with you almost daily for years. Even when I am blank mess. I have been faithful to our Light. I have been showing up. And now you are part of the grain of my daily life. I miss you on days you are not here.
And I have been playing on-line Scrabble with S#5 for months - maybe a year or more. With every play, we send each other a message. I am in touch with her. I can feel her quickly.
Before, I always had the sense that it didn't matter if I were there or not - at family gatherings. If I were there, I made it into the photos for posterity. But if I wasn't - who cared. No one was going to miss me. It was all a sham anyway. I didn't talk to any of you for months or even years, then had to show up with my plastic smile and pretend we all knew and cared for each other. Mostly I just wanted to go to my corner, or to go home.
But now I have three sisters. I have three loving heart connections. I have a place.
I don't think Dad would care if I were there or not. He still doesn't like me very much. Mom would care, but only enough to make me feel guilty.
But I have sisters. I finally have sisters. I am part of the web in a way I have never been part before.
Part of me dreads the reunion. But part of me is calm and expectant.
I love you so much. Thanks for being here with me for all these years. I appreciate you so much.
Love and hugs and a few tears from Clare
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
status quo is illusion
Clare,
Transitions are challenging…
but all of life is a transition…
status quo is an illusion.
I prefer to recognize that life is flowing and I'm trying to stay on top of the surf…
sometimes I'm doggy paddling…
sometimes I'm hanging 10.
It's just in the moment when it's so difficult I want to stay STOP…
just let me breathe…
let me think.
I am still coughing after a month.
I cough now if I eat something acidic, go into the cold, or laugh.
I could take steroids and be done…
but I hate taking steroids.
This to shall pass.
At work I am beginning to develop a few projects that I see as important.
This is good. I am pulling together 4 people to discuss a classroom for new moms still in high school…
moms and babies together…
working at their own rhythm and pace…
the flexibility of a cyber instruction…
with both academic support and the support of a "grand mom" to support and encourage breastfeeding, bonding, responding to baby. Creating those vital attachments and finishing their education…
empowering both this generation and the next.
I'm working on this seminar for trauma survivors outside of work…
but I think it will spill over into work eventually.
I am excited to be finding my voice on a county wide level.
I'm offering continuing education credit discussions/lectures for social workers this fall/early winter.
I like having the support of colleagues and peers on a wider level.
I spoke with the young man yesterday. He finally had the courage to call. He is living with a disabled man and his wife. They have 5 foster kids. The dad is relatively uninvolved. The mom gives food clothing, shelter, and bed, and hygiene opportunities. She tells them when to be home for dinner and then again when to be home for the evening. He told me he spends most of his time roaming the streets of the small town he lives in. He got what he thought he wanted…
freedom to roam…
minimal rules…
someone to care for him, not care about him.
I'm not sure if my bias leads me to hear a sense of missing the caring we gave to him. I want to believe that…
but it may just be my wishful thinking.
I told him we still care about him, want the best for him, and are willing to help him.
I clearly told him that we love him, but could not tolerate the way he treated me/us.
I hope he heard that.
He is going to play school basketball- the team has no cuts to the roster- so I told him we'd come to watch him play. I know that will mean a lot to him. I encouraged him to call us, and his grandmother, and his brother. He hasn't talked to anyone since the move.
I apologized for the way the transition happened…
having the caseworker pick him up from school.
I explained our fear that he would run away and endanger himself if he knew ahead.
He admitted he expected it after being caught with the new cell phone. I asked him if he knew that was a "deal breaker" if he bought it- and got caught with it- as a way to push us to remove him from our home. He thinks that's probably true…
although not totally sure.
We talked about a lot of small things. He seemed to want to prolong the conversation…
but wasn't sure what else to say.
I asked him to call again soon. Suggested maybe we can have him here for the holidays if he wants to visit. He seems open to those ideas. It may be ok.
My youngest is home again- he has missed 1 -2 days each week for the past 3 weeks. Headache, fatigue, cough, congestion, body/joint aches. His labs last week showed severe allergies. I had to pick him up last night because he was so dizzy and his head hurt so much he couldn't drive. He wasn't high or drunk. I'm a little worried.
I am also at ease with Papa's decision to live with the cancer. He will need to be seen by a palliative care physician to make sure he remains comfortable throughout this stage of his journey. I will talk with S#5 about this when I see her. I look forward to seeing you this week.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Transitions are challenging…
but all of life is a transition…
status quo is an illusion.
I prefer to recognize that life is flowing and I'm trying to stay on top of the surf…
sometimes I'm doggy paddling…
sometimes I'm hanging 10.
It's just in the moment when it's so difficult I want to stay STOP…
just let me breathe…
let me think.
I am still coughing after a month.
I cough now if I eat something acidic, go into the cold, or laugh.
I could take steroids and be done…
but I hate taking steroids.
This to shall pass.
At work I am beginning to develop a few projects that I see as important.
This is good. I am pulling together 4 people to discuss a classroom for new moms still in high school…
moms and babies together…
working at their own rhythm and pace…
the flexibility of a cyber instruction…
with both academic support and the support of a "grand mom" to support and encourage breastfeeding, bonding, responding to baby. Creating those vital attachments and finishing their education…
empowering both this generation and the next.
I'm working on this seminar for trauma survivors outside of work…
but I think it will spill over into work eventually.
I am excited to be finding my voice on a county wide level.
I'm offering continuing education credit discussions/lectures for social workers this fall/early winter.
I like having the support of colleagues and peers on a wider level.
I spoke with the young man yesterday. He finally had the courage to call. He is living with a disabled man and his wife. They have 5 foster kids. The dad is relatively uninvolved. The mom gives food clothing, shelter, and bed, and hygiene opportunities. She tells them when to be home for dinner and then again when to be home for the evening. He told me he spends most of his time roaming the streets of the small town he lives in. He got what he thought he wanted…
freedom to roam…
minimal rules…
someone to care for him, not care about him.
I'm not sure if my bias leads me to hear a sense of missing the caring we gave to him. I want to believe that…
but it may just be my wishful thinking.
I told him we still care about him, want the best for him, and are willing to help him.
I clearly told him that we love him, but could not tolerate the way he treated me/us.
I hope he heard that.
He is going to play school basketball- the team has no cuts to the roster- so I told him we'd come to watch him play. I know that will mean a lot to him. I encouraged him to call us, and his grandmother, and his brother. He hasn't talked to anyone since the move.
I apologized for the way the transition happened…
having the caseworker pick him up from school.
I explained our fear that he would run away and endanger himself if he knew ahead.
He admitted he expected it after being caught with the new cell phone. I asked him if he knew that was a "deal breaker" if he bought it- and got caught with it- as a way to push us to remove him from our home. He thinks that's probably true…
although not totally sure.
We talked about a lot of small things. He seemed to want to prolong the conversation…
but wasn't sure what else to say.
I asked him to call again soon. Suggested maybe we can have him here for the holidays if he wants to visit. He seems open to those ideas. It may be ok.
My youngest is home again- he has missed 1 -2 days each week for the past 3 weeks. Headache, fatigue, cough, congestion, body/joint aches. His labs last week showed severe allergies. I had to pick him up last night because he was so dizzy and his head hurt so much he couldn't drive. He wasn't high or drunk. I'm a little worried.
I am also at ease with Papa's decision to live with the cancer. He will need to be seen by a palliative care physician to make sure he remains comfortable throughout this stage of his journey. I will talk with S#5 about this when I see her. I look forward to seeing you this week.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
breathing
Hi Maggie,
Do you think you have problems with transitions in general? Or is it harder now when we/you have so much going on?
You know we can't pick the outcome. We can hope. We can get on our knees and pray, loudly, but in the end, it is not our choice.
Have you heard from your boy yet? Have you spoken with him at all since he was removed from your house?
Maybe you are being very clinical with Mom because you are a doctor, and she is a nurse. Maybe that is the level on which you have to communicate. I think maybe you both needed that exchange.
I like your Dharama Doodle. Good luck with your workshop.
I am regaining a little more strength each day. Today, it was an unseasonable 82 degrees, and I went out to hang laundry. My granddaughter went with me. She was playing a grand game of which jump was the biggest, as she jumped off the end of the picnic bench, and I oohed and ahhed. I sat on the bench, on the very end, past the legs, and it bench tipped and dumped me. It was very slow motioned and controlled. I ended up on my back, looking at the clouds. And the kid laughed. And she laughed. And she laughed some more! All I could think was if I am ever in an accident situation, this is not who I want to have my back!
I have to say that I respect Dad's decision. At the same point, I would choose quality over quantity. I hope.
It is hard for me to be deep and thoughtful here. All of my energy has been going into breathing for the past few weeks. And just getting through each day.
I am sending love and hugs. And I hope I will see you on Saturday...We are planning to come, but my youngest, who is the only of my kids planning to come, is beginning to show symptoms of what I have. Fun, fun, fun!!!
She is so stressed....
Anyway, love and hugs from Clare
Do you think you have problems with transitions in general? Or is it harder now when we/you have so much going on?
You know we can't pick the outcome. We can hope. We can get on our knees and pray, loudly, but in the end, it is not our choice.
Have you heard from your boy yet? Have you spoken with him at all since he was removed from your house?
Maybe you are being very clinical with Mom because you are a doctor, and she is a nurse. Maybe that is the level on which you have to communicate. I think maybe you both needed that exchange.
I like your Dharama Doodle. Good luck with your workshop.
I am regaining a little more strength each day. Today, it was an unseasonable 82 degrees, and I went out to hang laundry. My granddaughter went with me. She was playing a grand game of which jump was the biggest, as she jumped off the end of the picnic bench, and I oohed and ahhed. I sat on the bench, on the very end, past the legs, and it bench tipped and dumped me. It was very slow motioned and controlled. I ended up on my back, looking at the clouds. And the kid laughed. And she laughed. And she laughed some more! All I could think was if I am ever in an accident situation, this is not who I want to have my back!
I have to say that I respect Dad's decision. At the same point, I would choose quality over quantity. I hope.
It is hard for me to be deep and thoughtful here. All of my energy has been going into breathing for the past few weeks. And just getting through each day.
I am sending love and hugs. And I hope I will see you on Saturday...We are planning to come, but my youngest, who is the only of my kids planning to come, is beginning to show symptoms of what I have. Fun, fun, fun!!!
She is so stressed....
Anyway, love and hugs from Clare
Monday, October 17, 2016
worried
Clare,
I'm having a difficult time with this transition.
I want the outcomes to be different.
I want immediate gratification and success…
but that begs the question who defines that?
I'm not sure which transition I am referring to at this point.
I have so many layers of transition happening I'm not sure what I am looking for.
I haven't heard from the young man in 3 days…
either he's lost his phone (literally or figuratively)…
he's in the angry phase…
or he isn't sure what to say.
I worry about him.
I am worried about Papa and Mama…
she called to tell me there is a lesion in his lung on CAT scan…
they're worried its a metastasis…
I replied, "with 9/18 nodes + it probably is a met"…
I wasn't very compassionate…
I'm not sure why I was so clinical.
She also told me his aneurysm is expanding and he told the vascular surgeon he doesn't want it repaired.
She's predicting he will refuse chemo and radiation because of the spread.
I talked to her about quality versus quantity of life.
She seemed to hear my words.
I was explaining this to my oldest and her significant other…
his response was,"so he's gonna just die?"
I realized the answer to that is, "no, he's going to live…live his days to the best of his ability".
It was comforting to say that out loud.
I'm worried about the two of them.
S#5 is holding it together…
but she can use support- moral support, emotional support, respite from all of the pressure. She is emotionally invested and has a hard time when bad news comes through…
although she's doing better as time goes by…
experience is an amazing teacher.
I attended quarterly meeting yesterday…
I've never attended one before.
It was strange to figure out their relevance with yearly and monthly meeting.
A man started proselytizing and went on for quite some time…
I was wondering when and how it would end…
quietly people began standing up and finally someone interrupted him, thanking him for his message. It wasn't as awkward as I anticipated.
I created a brochure for the trauma recovery program we are creating. I wanted to use a Dharama Doodle on the brochure and reached out to the artist. He gave whole hearted permission to use his doodle called purifying fire…
I am amazed by others' generosity.
The program is coming together. W rare running a pilot in January and February…
hold us in the Light.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm having a difficult time with this transition.
I want the outcomes to be different.
I want immediate gratification and success…
but that begs the question who defines that?
I'm not sure which transition I am referring to at this point.
I have so many layers of transition happening I'm not sure what I am looking for.
I haven't heard from the young man in 3 days…
either he's lost his phone (literally or figuratively)…
he's in the angry phase…
or he isn't sure what to say.
I worry about him.
I am worried about Papa and Mama…
she called to tell me there is a lesion in his lung on CAT scan…
they're worried its a metastasis…
I replied, "with 9/18 nodes + it probably is a met"…
I wasn't very compassionate…
I'm not sure why I was so clinical.
She also told me his aneurysm is expanding and he told the vascular surgeon he doesn't want it repaired.
She's predicting he will refuse chemo and radiation because of the spread.
I talked to her about quality versus quantity of life.
She seemed to hear my words.
I was explaining this to my oldest and her significant other…
his response was,"so he's gonna just die?"
I realized the answer to that is, "no, he's going to live…live his days to the best of his ability".
It was comforting to say that out loud.
I'm worried about the two of them.
S#5 is holding it together…
but she can use support- moral support, emotional support, respite from all of the pressure. She is emotionally invested and has a hard time when bad news comes through…
although she's doing better as time goes by…
experience is an amazing teacher.
I attended quarterly meeting yesterday…
I've never attended one before.
It was strange to figure out their relevance with yearly and monthly meeting.
A man started proselytizing and went on for quite some time…
I was wondering when and how it would end…
quietly people began standing up and finally someone interrupted him, thanking him for his message. It wasn't as awkward as I anticipated.
I created a brochure for the trauma recovery program we are creating. I wanted to use a Dharama Doodle on the brochure and reached out to the artist. He gave whole hearted permission to use his doodle called purifying fire…
The program is coming together. W rare running a pilot in January and February…
hold us in the Light.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, October 16, 2016
transformation
Hey Maggie,
I hope all is well with you.
I spent an overnight at a Quaker retreat. I serve on regional Ministry and Counsel, and we had a M&C retreat, open to anyone who is on the committee in their meeting, or interested in it.
Even though I was on the committee that organized it, I had no idea what to expect. Our goals were to deepen relationships, we did that, and to explore what M&C does, because a lot of us don't know. We refer back to Faith and Practice and try to make sense of it.
There was an Aha! moment though. After the Friday night session, the committee, the three of us, were sitting together trying to discern way forward. We talked about what we heard. Someone said we need to look for the Light in each situation, then be faithful.
Wow. It was like advice for my whole life.
So I was thinking about my theory of being human/humane. It means to be flexible and open. As soon as something becomes concrete, the humanity is gone. So we can't just use Faith and Practice and say this is the way we do it. We have to be open, and flexible. We have to look for the Light.
So we asked for stories of transformation.
It was perfect.
I am still coughing, and so it really limited my being there. One Friend asked me how my night was. I told him I had a few episodes. He let me know he had been on the other side of the door, and he was holding me in the Light all night. Someone else did some energy work. I felt cherished.
I felt the loss of my own meeting. Without having a car, I am outside of the society. I miss them. I am waiting for way to open, but I wish I had an idea of where to knock...
The other thing I treasured this weekend was the reminder to listen, to be present, but not to give advice, not to fix anyone's problem.
One other thing that hit me hard this weekend was - we are getting old/Iam getting old. I think we had one person in her 40's. The rest of us were 50 - 70. I noticed that I have started wearing shoes. I have started sitting in chairs.
When did I get old?
Hope all is well with you. Sending love and hugs...
Clare
I hope all is well with you.
I spent an overnight at a Quaker retreat. I serve on regional Ministry and Counsel, and we had a M&C retreat, open to anyone who is on the committee in their meeting, or interested in it.
Even though I was on the committee that organized it, I had no idea what to expect. Our goals were to deepen relationships, we did that, and to explore what M&C does, because a lot of us don't know. We refer back to Faith and Practice and try to make sense of it.
There was an Aha! moment though. After the Friday night session, the committee, the three of us, were sitting together trying to discern way forward. We talked about what we heard. Someone said we need to look for the Light in each situation, then be faithful.
Wow. It was like advice for my whole life.
So I was thinking about my theory of being human/humane. It means to be flexible and open. As soon as something becomes concrete, the humanity is gone. So we can't just use Faith and Practice and say this is the way we do it. We have to be open, and flexible. We have to look for the Light.
So we asked for stories of transformation.
It was perfect.
I am still coughing, and so it really limited my being there. One Friend asked me how my night was. I told him I had a few episodes. He let me know he had been on the other side of the door, and he was holding me in the Light all night. Someone else did some energy work. I felt cherished.
I felt the loss of my own meeting. Without having a car, I am outside of the society. I miss them. I am waiting for way to open, but I wish I had an idea of where to knock...
The other thing I treasured this weekend was the reminder to listen, to be present, but not to give advice, not to fix anyone's problem.
One other thing that hit me hard this weekend was - we are getting old/Iam getting old. I think we had one person in her 40's. The rest of us were 50 - 70. I noticed that I have started wearing shoes. I have started sitting in chairs.
When did I get old?
Hope all is well with you. Sending love and hugs...
Clare
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
entitled
Hi Maggie,
It's Dad's voice forever...you are not good enough. No one can say otherwise, because Dad lives in our psyches and in our souls. His is that disgusted voice that repeats inside of everything we do.
And it's most likely my broken record of negativity cycling in my kids' brains. It is so hard to get out of a rut you don't know you are in.
But, hey, you got invited back. People want to hear what you have to say.
He didn't want to end the relationship. But the unhealthy face of substance abuse has reared, changing things, probably irrevocably. I have long said this blog is about me, not others, so I really don;t want to say any more. Suffice to say, we have been through this before. There is not an answer from without. It has to come from within the person who is numbing.
I think you may be right about Mama. We may all have to invite her for short visits, to give S#5 breaks.
How is S#5 doing? You got to talk to her...And how is your boy? Have you connected yet?
I share your disgust and horror at what we are learning from released tapes.
A FB "friend", someone I don't know in person, but a man who works in higher education, he said this is the way guys talk. I remember chatting once, and he pulled everything to the sexual. I just distanced myself.
But he commented that guys all talk like this. I wanted to respond - You all say this. We all get raped, touched, harrassed, commented on. Is there a connection?
I was talking to another man in another country. I commented that part of the Trump fortune came from prostitution. It showed a family attitude toward women. This man responded that the type of women who would spend time with an entitled, white rich boy would basically be a prostitute. He has learned that he can just kiss who he wants. He can just grab any pussy he would like.
He is so sheltered, he has no idea that he is a pig. He has no idea that real men don't treat women like this. He has no idea that there are women who won't do anything for money.
I also contend that no little girl wants to be a prostitute. She has to be objectified, and it has to happen young.
I think having Barack Obama in power helped lead us to Black Lives Matter. And now, with having to stomach this chauvinistic, entitled white guy who has no idea that he is offensive, paired with the possibility of a female leader...it is bringing our innate sexism into the Light.
I still want Bernie. for a short time I actually believed in our political system. But all the Democratic rigging has reinforced my belief - it is all a drama. None of it is real.
Still coughing. Still weak. Still sick of being sick.
Love and hugs from Clare
It's Dad's voice forever...you are not good enough. No one can say otherwise, because Dad lives in our psyches and in our souls. His is that disgusted voice that repeats inside of everything we do.
And it's most likely my broken record of negativity cycling in my kids' brains. It is so hard to get out of a rut you don't know you are in.
But, hey, you got invited back. People want to hear what you have to say.
He didn't want to end the relationship. But the unhealthy face of substance abuse has reared, changing things, probably irrevocably. I have long said this blog is about me, not others, so I really don;t want to say any more. Suffice to say, we have been through this before. There is not an answer from without. It has to come from within the person who is numbing.
I think you may be right about Mama. We may all have to invite her for short visits, to give S#5 breaks.
How is S#5 doing? You got to talk to her...And how is your boy? Have you connected yet?
I share your disgust and horror at what we are learning from released tapes.
A FB "friend", someone I don't know in person, but a man who works in higher education, he said this is the way guys talk. I remember chatting once, and he pulled everything to the sexual. I just distanced myself.
But he commented that guys all talk like this. I wanted to respond - You all say this. We all get raped, touched, harrassed, commented on. Is there a connection?
I was talking to another man in another country. I commented that part of the Trump fortune came from prostitution. It showed a family attitude toward women. This man responded that the type of women who would spend time with an entitled, white rich boy would basically be a prostitute. He has learned that he can just kiss who he wants. He can just grab any pussy he would like.
He is so sheltered, he has no idea that he is a pig. He has no idea that real men don't treat women like this. He has no idea that there are women who won't do anything for money.
I also contend that no little girl wants to be a prostitute. She has to be objectified, and it has to happen young.
I think having Barack Obama in power helped lead us to Black Lives Matter. And now, with having to stomach this chauvinistic, entitled white guy who has no idea that he is offensive, paired with the possibility of a female leader...it is bringing our innate sexism into the Light.
I still want Bernie. for a short time I actually believed in our political system. But all the Democratic rigging has reinforced my belief - it is all a drama. None of it is real.
Still coughing. Still weak. Still sick of being sick.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
unsettled
Clare,
Life is a matter of passion versus drama…
the passion is inside of us…
important to us.
Drama is a circus show…
drawing the attention of others towards us.
It is a way of drawing others to us…
without a connection.
I did a presentation today…
stress=dis-ease…
I've done this several times before for various mental health professionals and students.
i love bringing this message to others…
don't judge the behavior- understand what lies beneath it.
People who have been traumatized respond appropriately to inappropriate signals from their bodies and minds.
Anyway- I though I had 2+ hours to talk…
I really had 1+ hours so I didn't get to one of the main points.
I feel as if I let the others down…
but I've been invited back to finish the talk.
It's funny….
I had great difficulty hearing the positive comments about the talk…
I focused on not finishing.
Why do we do that to ourselves...
refuse to celebrate our talents?
I am sorry about nephew's loss…
relationships are tough.
I wonder if he would help her though the difficulties she's encountering…
go to seek help together…
instead of ending the relationship.
I have 25 papers to read and grade this week. The students had to analyze a vulnerable population from a movie. I haven't seen many movies. It should be interesting reading about plots that I have no information on…
at least I won't have preconceived notions of what I think they should write.
The young man is still reaching out to me. yesterday he called…
but I was not with my phone. I was in the classroom so I texted him to say call after class. He still hasn't. I am not sure what he's going to say. I'm not sure what I'm going to say. I want to maintain contact, but don't want to be manipulated by guilt. I'm easily manipulated by guilt…
good catholic girl.
Your answer to the mama question is that I do not believe she will ever live alone. I think she is so used to company and support that she would be lost alone. I believe she will move in with S#5 after Papa dies and live out her days there. Ew will all have to continue to support S#5 in her efforts.
My mind and heart are in turmoil with the current conversation in our political race. It is increasingly apparent that men- and women- don't value women and children. Women who excuse the "locker room talk" have been conditioned that it is understandable if drunk men cannot help themselves and sexually assault women…
it sounds almost like a twisted compliment…
if I wasn't so attractive he could have controlled himself…
if I hadn't worn that shirt he wouldn't have been excited…
If I hadn't danced like that he would not have noticed me.
There is a perversion in this country. I am appalled that men I thought were friends defend that talk. I am even more offended when women accept it as normal. How do we teach respect and equality if these are the pervasive ideas in our society?
I think I have to quit listening to the news and debates and comedy skits about the candidates.
It is unsettling.
I am going to bed. I have a head ache… maybe a virus…my youngest is home with something similar. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Life is a matter of passion versus drama…
the passion is inside of us…
important to us.
Drama is a circus show…
drawing the attention of others towards us.
It is a way of drawing others to us…
without a connection.
I did a presentation today…
stress=dis-ease…
I've done this several times before for various mental health professionals and students.
i love bringing this message to others…
don't judge the behavior- understand what lies beneath it.
People who have been traumatized respond appropriately to inappropriate signals from their bodies and minds.
Anyway- I though I had 2+ hours to talk…
I really had 1+ hours so I didn't get to one of the main points.
I feel as if I let the others down…
but I've been invited back to finish the talk.
It's funny….
I had great difficulty hearing the positive comments about the talk…
I focused on not finishing.
Why do we do that to ourselves...
refuse to celebrate our talents?
I am sorry about nephew's loss…
relationships are tough.
I wonder if he would help her though the difficulties she's encountering…
go to seek help together…
instead of ending the relationship.
I have 25 papers to read and grade this week. The students had to analyze a vulnerable population from a movie. I haven't seen many movies. It should be interesting reading about plots that I have no information on…
at least I won't have preconceived notions of what I think they should write.
The young man is still reaching out to me. yesterday he called…
but I was not with my phone. I was in the classroom so I texted him to say call after class. He still hasn't. I am not sure what he's going to say. I'm not sure what I'm going to say. I want to maintain contact, but don't want to be manipulated by guilt. I'm easily manipulated by guilt…
good catholic girl.
Your answer to the mama question is that I do not believe she will ever live alone. I think she is so used to company and support that she would be lost alone. I believe she will move in with S#5 after Papa dies and live out her days there. Ew will all have to continue to support S#5 in her efforts.
My mind and heart are in turmoil with the current conversation in our political race. It is increasingly apparent that men- and women- don't value women and children. Women who excuse the "locker room talk" have been conditioned that it is understandable if drunk men cannot help themselves and sexually assault women…
it sounds almost like a twisted compliment…
if I wasn't so attractive he could have controlled himself…
if I hadn't worn that shirt he wouldn't have been excited…
If I hadn't danced like that he would not have noticed me.
There is a perversion in this country. I am appalled that men I thought were friends defend that talk. I am even more offended when women accept it as normal. How do we teach respect and equality if these are the pervasive ideas in our society?
I think I have to quit listening to the news and debates and comedy skits about the candidates.
It is unsettling.
I am going to bed. I have a head ache… maybe a virus…my youngest is home with something similar. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, October 9, 2016
perfect
Hi Maggie,
Time for you and S#5 to spend together right now - perfect. You are both dealing with taking on too much responsibility, and the effects that sort of hurricaned through your lives. There are such parallels. Except her way out will probably be through Dad's death. Your way out looks like it will be a retreat to a strong position.
I have been wondering what Mom will want to do. I don't know if she has ever lived alone before. I mean she took on everything with us during the years Dad was sent away. She handled everything. But it is kind of different when one has children. There is no stopping, thinking, reflecting....just moving, herding, cooking and feeding.
S#5 told me Mom stayed at her house while Dad was in the hospital. That is sort of a seed of concern. Will Mom want to live alone? Or will she prefer to live with one of us?
After my ex took off, I took all responsibility. It has lightened as each one left. It was incredibly sad when each one left the nest...Would I ever want to live with one of my kids?
Big questions.
Autumn is unusual this year. The leaves are not turning bright colors and showing off and drawing attention. Instead they are sort of ashamedly fading to their fall color and slipping off the tree. I wonder why. I wonder what it means.
Had a long talk with Nephew this weekend. He is still reeling from his first serious break up. And she is messing with him a little.
We had a discussion about the difference between passion and drama. Drama is playing mind games. It is using addictive patterns or family patterns to numb pain. Passion is to be fully engrossed in what you are doing. Passion can be intensely quiet. Drama is usually something that could be staged for the neighbors.
The ex was in a relationship for several years with someone who was physically abusive. That is drama. She recognizes drama, she is comfortable in drama. But she names it passion.
We talked about passion being open-hearted and vulnerable. Drama is diving into addictive mess and making it deeper and darker and yuckier.
I think he heard me. I definitely heard myself.
The high-point of my weekend was getting a haircut. I actually got out for a short while. I came home to a care package from my eldest. There were lots of veggies, a piece of venison and a $20 bill. I told her the $20 cracked me up, and she said sometimes we just need to find a surprise $20 in life.
Still laughing, but I think she is right!
Glad you got some sister-time...See you in a couple weeks.
Love and hugs from Clare
Time for you and S#5 to spend together right now - perfect. You are both dealing with taking on too much responsibility, and the effects that sort of hurricaned through your lives. There are such parallels. Except her way out will probably be through Dad's death. Your way out looks like it will be a retreat to a strong position.
I have been wondering what Mom will want to do. I don't know if she has ever lived alone before. I mean she took on everything with us during the years Dad was sent away. She handled everything. But it is kind of different when one has children. There is no stopping, thinking, reflecting....just moving, herding, cooking and feeding.
S#5 told me Mom stayed at her house while Dad was in the hospital. That is sort of a seed of concern. Will Mom want to live alone? Or will she prefer to live with one of us?
After my ex took off, I took all responsibility. It has lightened as each one left. It was incredibly sad when each one left the nest...Would I ever want to live with one of my kids?
Big questions.
Autumn is unusual this year. The leaves are not turning bright colors and showing off and drawing attention. Instead they are sort of ashamedly fading to their fall color and slipping off the tree. I wonder why. I wonder what it means.
Had a long talk with Nephew this weekend. He is still reeling from his first serious break up. And she is messing with him a little.
We had a discussion about the difference between passion and drama. Drama is playing mind games. It is using addictive patterns or family patterns to numb pain. Passion is to be fully engrossed in what you are doing. Passion can be intensely quiet. Drama is usually something that could be staged for the neighbors.
The ex was in a relationship for several years with someone who was physically abusive. That is drama. She recognizes drama, she is comfortable in drama. But she names it passion.
We talked about passion being open-hearted and vulnerable. Drama is diving into addictive mess and making it deeper and darker and yuckier.
I think he heard me. I definitely heard myself.
The high-point of my weekend was getting a haircut. I actually got out for a short while. I came home to a care package from my eldest. There were lots of veggies, a piece of venison and a $20 bill. I told her the $20 cracked me up, and she said sometimes we just need to find a surprise $20 in life.
Still laughing, but I think she is right!
Glad you got some sister-time...See you in a couple weeks.
Love and hugs from Clare
chat
Clare,
S#5 was here for about 24 hours. She needed a break and we were here. It was nice to have time to sit and chat. We weren't very active since her foot is in a boot/cast. We talked a lot. She is feeling overwhelmed at times by the responsibilities she's taken on with the parents. I'm not sure she anticipated any of this stress…
but we often idealize what life will be like…
instead of the practical day to day struggles.
She is forced to slow down with the boot.
Her body has spoken and she must listen.
S#3 met us for dinner. She didn't have much to say…
she joined us at the restaurant and then went home from there. It was good to see her briefly.
We talked about the birthday party at the end of the month. No one has a clear vision of what it's going to be…but many are committed to attending.
I too feel that this is an opportunity to move forward with the young man. Perhaps recreate the holiday and weekend visits that allow connection. It's possible.
I'm going to go for a walk. I love you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
S#5 was here for about 24 hours. She needed a break and we were here. It was nice to have time to sit and chat. We weren't very active since her foot is in a boot/cast. We talked a lot. She is feeling overwhelmed at times by the responsibilities she's taken on with the parents. I'm not sure she anticipated any of this stress…
but we often idealize what life will be like…
instead of the practical day to day struggles.
She is forced to slow down with the boot.
Her body has spoken and she must listen.
S#3 met us for dinner. She didn't have much to say…
she joined us at the restaurant and then went home from there. It was good to see her briefly.
We talked about the birthday party at the end of the month. No one has a clear vision of what it's going to be…but many are committed to attending.
I too feel that this is an opportunity to move forward with the young man. Perhaps recreate the holiday and weekend visits that allow connection. It's possible.
I'm going to go for a walk. I love you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, October 6, 2016
reboot
Hi Maggie,
This is going to sound a little strange, but I'm glad he cried. It means he is not a sociopath. I'm glad that he wants to maintain contact.
It would be nice if you could recreate the part that worked. That time when he and his brother spent some weekends with you, and you seemed to function as extended family.
How have things been with the brother?
After you relearn to breathe, maybe you can sit down and look back for red flags. Were there moments of doubt? Maybe identifying those points will help you learn to trust yourself, to know when to stop and reconsider in the future.
I am still coughing. There is so much crap in my lungs. I finally slept in a recliner last night. I actually slept. But my alarm was in my room, and I was trying to pay attention. When I heard it, I had no idea how long it had been beeping, and so I jumped up and got my comforter wrapped around my legs, so I had to hop in a circle, and it was how I started my day.
My lungs are so tired, I have been doing short chores, then resting.
I have so much respect for S#3.
I feel so old.
But this seems like a perfect time to rewrite my habits. I need to start exercising and get my lungs working again. And I have had no appetite for almost two weeks. I need to think about a healthy way to eat for me.
I get so confused by all the mixed messages from all the different media. I am not sure what diet is best for me. I know lots of veggies, light on the meat. Eat eggs and beans. I don't know.
Another off to bed early night. I hope, once I get through this weekend, everything begins to slowly approach normal...
Love and hugs from Clare
This is going to sound a little strange, but I'm glad he cried. It means he is not a sociopath. I'm glad that he wants to maintain contact.
It would be nice if you could recreate the part that worked. That time when he and his brother spent some weekends with you, and you seemed to function as extended family.
How have things been with the brother?
After you relearn to breathe, maybe you can sit down and look back for red flags. Were there moments of doubt? Maybe identifying those points will help you learn to trust yourself, to know when to stop and reconsider in the future.
I am still coughing. There is so much crap in my lungs. I finally slept in a recliner last night. I actually slept. But my alarm was in my room, and I was trying to pay attention. When I heard it, I had no idea how long it had been beeping, and so I jumped up and got my comforter wrapped around my legs, so I had to hop in a circle, and it was how I started my day.
My lungs are so tired, I have been doing short chores, then resting.
I have so much respect for S#3.
I feel so old.
But this seems like a perfect time to rewrite my habits. I need to start exercising and get my lungs working again. And I have had no appetite for almost two weeks. I need to think about a healthy way to eat for me.
I get so confused by all the mixed messages from all the different media. I am not sure what diet is best for me. I know lots of veggies, light on the meat. Eat eggs and beans. I don't know.
Another off to bed early night. I hope, once I get through this weekend, everything begins to slowly approach normal...
Love and hugs from Clare
better
Clare,
It is over…at least the co-habitation.
The CYS worker called this morning to talk with me. She told me how the young man cried when he realized he was really being relocated. Really cried.
Even though he acknowledged he wanted out…
he still could not believe we actually had him removed…
that sounds terrible…
like old furniture gets removed.
He wanted to know if he could contact us…
we agreed that was as good thing.
The CYS worker asked if we'd consider holiday visits…
I agreed that we could do that if everything is calm.
So, the change in location may be the beginning of a new chapter with the young man.
One that will spare us the anger and terrorizing…
but will allow growth and relationship.
When I asked a friend- last year- what she thought of fostering this young man she replied, "you may be more useful to him as his therapist than as his mother." In retrospect she may be right…
I'll never be either of those to him again.
But I can be a friend…
a surrogate mom maybe…
I can teach him that treating another with disrespect and bullying is not appropriate…
they may not like you very much...
but it doesn't mean they don't love you.
So, I plan on texting him goodnight, as I do all of my children that are away from home. I will let him open to the lessons and insights as he is able. I will try to listen more and talk less. I will try to love despite his prickly exterior.
I am glad you are feeling better…
I have been wheezing and coughing for 3+ weeks now. It was especially pronounced when I was talking about my young man. The stress of it was literally choking me.
So, I have more time to myself now. I have to find a way to reconnect with my inner self. I have been so distracted by my daily problems I'v forgotten how to tune into my center and just breathe….
a worthy cause.
My new goal.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It is over…at least the co-habitation.
The CYS worker called this morning to talk with me. She told me how the young man cried when he realized he was really being relocated. Really cried.
Even though he acknowledged he wanted out…
he still could not believe we actually had him removed…
that sounds terrible…
like old furniture gets removed.
He wanted to know if he could contact us…
we agreed that was as good thing.
The CYS worker asked if we'd consider holiday visits…
I agreed that we could do that if everything is calm.
So, the change in location may be the beginning of a new chapter with the young man.
One that will spare us the anger and terrorizing…
but will allow growth and relationship.
When I asked a friend- last year- what she thought of fostering this young man she replied, "you may be more useful to him as his therapist than as his mother." In retrospect she may be right…
I'll never be either of those to him again.
But I can be a friend…
a surrogate mom maybe…
I can teach him that treating another with disrespect and bullying is not appropriate…
they may not like you very much...
but it doesn't mean they don't love you.
So, I plan on texting him goodnight, as I do all of my children that are away from home. I will let him open to the lessons and insights as he is able. I will try to listen more and talk less. I will try to love despite his prickly exterior.
I am glad you are feeling better…
I have been wheezing and coughing for 3+ weeks now. It was especially pronounced when I was talking about my young man. The stress of it was literally choking me.
So, I have more time to myself now. I have to find a way to reconnect with my inner self. I have been so distracted by my daily problems I'v forgotten how to tune into my center and just breathe….
a worthy cause.
My new goal.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
it's over
Okay, Maggie,
It is done. No matter what...no matter how...it is done. Who made the decisions for how it was going to play out? I assume it was not you. I assume everything you did, you did under the guidance of someone in the system who knows how to handle these things.
Will he be changing schools?
My neighbor would advise you to sprinkle sea salt at the end of the driveway, in front of doors, to keep the negativity from getting back in.
I woke up this morning after yet another night of hacking, but I felt clear. My brain said, "It is over." My son came over, on his birthday, and brought me lots of veggies. They are getting ready to travel for a wedding.
Apparently this has knocked them down too. My strapping son has been hacking all night long, too. The kids had it. And his father-in-law was really bad. So it's not just me!
You need to just sit and breathe. I hope you have a chance!
Love and hugs from Clare
It is done. No matter what...no matter how...it is done. Who made the decisions for how it was going to play out? I assume it was not you. I assume everything you did, you did under the guidance of someone in the system who knows how to handle these things.
Will he be changing schools?
My neighbor would advise you to sprinkle sea salt at the end of the driveway, in front of doors, to keep the negativity from getting back in.
I woke up this morning after yet another night of hacking, but I felt clear. My brain said, "It is over." My son came over, on his birthday, and brought me lots of veggies. They are getting ready to travel for a wedding.
Apparently this has knocked them down too. My strapping son has been hacking all night long, too. The kids had it. And his father-in-law was really bad. So it's not just me!
You need to just sit and breathe. I hope you have a chance!
Love and hugs from Clare
Pray it went well
Clare,
I feel physically ill. I made arrangements for the CYS worker to pick up my young man from school and take him to his new residence…
a foster home in the northern part of the county…
very rural…
4 other foster sons there…
all teenagers…
he knows 2 of them from activities...
tough, structured foster mom.
It may be a very good fit for him.
I feel ill because I dropped him at school…
continuing the farce that all was as expected…
knowing things were changing dramatically.
I came home…
packed his stuff…
and delivered everything to the CYS worker.
It is her job to handle the "transfers".
PArt of me wishes I had met them at the school and stood in his anger at this next rejection…
but that would have only created drama and allowed me some punishment for my failings.
A very catholic thing to do…
stand in the face of adversity.
I pray it went OK.
I will call tomorrow and ask about it.
I will pray it went ok.
Am I a coward?
I did ask the CYS worker to tell him that he is welcome to communicate with us by email, letter or phone…
we love him and want the best for him…
we are willing to help him in the future, but we cannot live with this much anger in the house.
I came home from the 'delivery' with dried sage bundles…
I have been advised to Sage Smudge my home to drive out the negative energy.
I did that top to bottom…
it smells like I've been getting high all afternoon.
Husband is going to be confused when he gets home tonight.
He has a very poor sense of smell so maybe he won't notice.
I could use a long sleep and some slow deep breathing. I have a meeting in an hour…
then driving to meet my oldest to exchange cars for some service on hers…
then wine and bed.
I'll check in with you tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I feel physically ill. I made arrangements for the CYS worker to pick up my young man from school and take him to his new residence…
a foster home in the northern part of the county…
very rural…
4 other foster sons there…
all teenagers…
he knows 2 of them from activities...
tough, structured foster mom.
It may be a very good fit for him.
I feel ill because I dropped him at school…
continuing the farce that all was as expected…
knowing things were changing dramatically.
I came home…
packed his stuff…
and delivered everything to the CYS worker.
It is her job to handle the "transfers".
PArt of me wishes I had met them at the school and stood in his anger at this next rejection…
but that would have only created drama and allowed me some punishment for my failings.
A very catholic thing to do…
stand in the face of adversity.
I pray it went OK.
I will call tomorrow and ask about it.
I will pray it went ok.
Am I a coward?
I did ask the CYS worker to tell him that he is welcome to communicate with us by email, letter or phone…
we love him and want the best for him…
we are willing to help him in the future, but we cannot live with this much anger in the house.
I came home from the 'delivery' with dried sage bundles…
I have been advised to Sage Smudge my home to drive out the negative energy.
I did that top to bottom…
it smells like I've been getting high all afternoon.
Husband is going to be confused when he gets home tonight.
He has a very poor sense of smell so maybe he won't notice.
I could use a long sleep and some slow deep breathing. I have a meeting in an hour…
then driving to meet my oldest to exchange cars for some service on hers…
then wine and bed.
I'll check in with you tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
fatherless generations
Hey Little Sister,
I think I am really preparing, and preparing appropriately, for Dad's birthday party.
My youngest started venting about her Dad and Light came pushing out of my brain, surrounded her, and landed everywhere.
She was just accepted into a new program. She is excited. She told her sister, whose acceptance she also wants, so much. Then she told her Dad. Her Dad can be counted on to say something mean. That is his thing. Then he laughs all by himself.
I remember when thinking about divorce, one thing I really noticed was how mean his maternal grandfather was, how much they resembled each other, and how much they both loved to drink. I remember thinking I didn't want to be married to that.
And I was right. He has become increasingly snide and mean and cutting. And he does it with our oldest from time to time, because she is the one who will drink with him. They drink and release pain by criticizing others.
So big sister sent little sister a text mentioning some bad reviews of the school she will attend. My youngest launched into her favorite rendition of I never do anything right, they don't approve of anything I do...lalalalala...So I said, let's change that. Let's say, "Thanks for having my back. We can find some bad reviews of your school too."
And what about Dad?
Don't tell him.
Don't tell him?
If he is only going to make you feel bad, don't tell him.
She mentioned that he visited recently and never contacted her. She wanted to stop and visit his ex-girlfriend, but not go see him. I told her he set precedent. She didn't have to go if she didn't want to.
Then she launched into her dad, and into his parents. She loved his parents, but she said they created this. And I said yeah, because someone did it to them...
But her dad...I was thinking about ours, and that underlying wish to make peace. That feeling that there is still time for him to come to his senses and suddenly be aware that we were exceptional children and he really screwed up our chances for so much.
But it is not going to happen.
And it won't happen for her either. So she switched to her daughter and said she felt so bad because her daughter did not have him as a grandfather. She deserved to have him, her life was poorer.
And I reminded her of the grandparent figures that kid has in her life. She has so many older adults who are there for her...I pointed out to my daughter, that her daughter could care less. She had no concept that anything should be different. That this grandfather is definitely in her life. He showed up a few times a year, for holidays. That would be her memory and it was okay.
What my daughter was really mourning was that she does not have a Daddy. There we were, right in the center of the Light. That fatherless girl mourning her life. And I acknowledged that she did not have a dad. But we had two very close men friends who definitely Papa-ed her.
She said she gets so upset at her boyfriend's dad, who can be pretty thoughtless, but he's there...
She is right. She does not have a dad. She has to be honest and admit she really doesn't want the one she has. She is dreaming of a kinder version...
Ain't gonna happen...
So tired of coughing.
Love and hugs from Clare
I think I am really preparing, and preparing appropriately, for Dad's birthday party.
My youngest started venting about her Dad and Light came pushing out of my brain, surrounded her, and landed everywhere.
She was just accepted into a new program. She is excited. She told her sister, whose acceptance she also wants, so much. Then she told her Dad. Her Dad can be counted on to say something mean. That is his thing. Then he laughs all by himself.
I remember when thinking about divorce, one thing I really noticed was how mean his maternal grandfather was, how much they resembled each other, and how much they both loved to drink. I remember thinking I didn't want to be married to that.
And I was right. He has become increasingly snide and mean and cutting. And he does it with our oldest from time to time, because she is the one who will drink with him. They drink and release pain by criticizing others.
So big sister sent little sister a text mentioning some bad reviews of the school she will attend. My youngest launched into her favorite rendition of I never do anything right, they don't approve of anything I do...lalalalala...So I said, let's change that. Let's say, "Thanks for having my back. We can find some bad reviews of your school too."
And what about Dad?
Don't tell him.
Don't tell him?
If he is only going to make you feel bad, don't tell him.
She mentioned that he visited recently and never contacted her. She wanted to stop and visit his ex-girlfriend, but not go see him. I told her he set precedent. She didn't have to go if she didn't want to.
Then she launched into her dad, and into his parents. She loved his parents, but she said they created this. And I said yeah, because someone did it to them...
But her dad...I was thinking about ours, and that underlying wish to make peace. That feeling that there is still time for him to come to his senses and suddenly be aware that we were exceptional children and he really screwed up our chances for so much.
But it is not going to happen.
And it won't happen for her either. So she switched to her daughter and said she felt so bad because her daughter did not have him as a grandfather. She deserved to have him, her life was poorer.
And I reminded her of the grandparent figures that kid has in her life. She has so many older adults who are there for her...I pointed out to my daughter, that her daughter could care less. She had no concept that anything should be different. That this grandfather is definitely in her life. He showed up a few times a year, for holidays. That would be her memory and it was okay.
What my daughter was really mourning was that she does not have a Daddy. There we were, right in the center of the Light. That fatherless girl mourning her life. And I acknowledged that she did not have a dad. But we had two very close men friends who definitely Papa-ed her.
She said she gets so upset at her boyfriend's dad, who can be pretty thoughtless, but he's there...
She is right. She does not have a dad. She has to be honest and admit she really doesn't want the one she has. She is dreaming of a kinder version...
Ain't gonna happen...
So tired of coughing.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Maybe...
Hey Sister,
I would like to point out one thing. Maybe the lesson is to know when it is time to stop trying. Maybe the lesson is in knowing when protecting yourself becomes paramount. Maybe by ignoring the inevitable, you create more karma.
Maybe this is exactly right.
When you were counseling him, did you see any of this? Did you see lying? Violence? Disrespect?
The other thing to remember is that karma takes two.
You can do everything possible, but if he is going to respond with deceit and violence, then you can't make him stop. That is his karma. That is currently who he is.
I have had the thought so many times - it is harder than we ever imagined to survive this violence. It damages our souls in ways we never knew we could be wounded.
Where did he get the money for the phone?
If the behaviors persist into the middle of the night, could that indicate a mental illness?
My life remains the same...sleepy/quiet interrupted by bouts of hacking and coughing. I was going to break my rule, and take a commercial cough suppressant/sleep aid. But the bottle expired. Sigh.
Nothing much to report. Sending you light and love.
Clare
I would like to point out one thing. Maybe the lesson is to know when it is time to stop trying. Maybe the lesson is in knowing when protecting yourself becomes paramount. Maybe by ignoring the inevitable, you create more karma.
Maybe this is exactly right.
When you were counseling him, did you see any of this? Did you see lying? Violence? Disrespect?
The other thing to remember is that karma takes two.
You can do everything possible, but if he is going to respond with deceit and violence, then you can't make him stop. That is his karma. That is currently who he is.
I have had the thought so many times - it is harder than we ever imagined to survive this violence. It damages our souls in ways we never knew we could be wounded.
Where did he get the money for the phone?
If the behaviors persist into the middle of the night, could that indicate a mental illness?
My life remains the same...sleepy/quiet interrupted by bouts of hacking and coughing. I was going to break my rule, and take a commercial cough suppressant/sleep aid. But the bottle expired. Sigh.
Nothing much to report. Sending you light and love.
Clare
before someone gets hurt
Clare,
I have been AWOL …
and it is because life is HELL.
I just composed and sent an email to our CYS worker asking her to remove our young man from the house. I can no longer live like this. He is defiant and deceitful. He tried to hide buying a phone and a prepaid phone card, then lied about it, then was playing on it when we returned Friday evening. He states it's his right to have a means to communicate…
and YA DA YA DA YA DA…
the perpetual cycle from hell.
We went to move our oldest yesterday, leaving him home until early evening…
when we returned he was hostile and intensely attention seeking…
coughing, gagging, slamming doors, throwing balls around, cursing loudly…
we chose to ignore rather than engage…
it persisted well into the night.
Husband and I have come to the conclusion that he will continue to raise conflict- attempting to have us reject him- until we finally say "enough". It's not going to go away…
or get better.
I have had it.
I cannot be the martyr anymore.
It is time to reclaim my life and learn some lessons.
I have to trust that it is time to make this move.
I may have karma to deal with…
or this may be part of the karmic plan.
husband and I feel this is the best option…
before someone gets hurt.
I am not sure how long it will take for CYS to make alternative arrangements for placement for him.
I am going to speak with the group home leader tomorrow also. I hope they can make things transition as smoothly as possible.
I will keep you posted.
my heart is heavy…
I don't know what else to do.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I have been AWOL …
and it is because life is HELL.
I just composed and sent an email to our CYS worker asking her to remove our young man from the house. I can no longer live like this. He is defiant and deceitful. He tried to hide buying a phone and a prepaid phone card, then lied about it, then was playing on it when we returned Friday evening. He states it's his right to have a means to communicate…
and YA DA YA DA YA DA…
the perpetual cycle from hell.
We went to move our oldest yesterday, leaving him home until early evening…
when we returned he was hostile and intensely attention seeking…
coughing, gagging, slamming doors, throwing balls around, cursing loudly…
we chose to ignore rather than engage…
it persisted well into the night.
Husband and I have come to the conclusion that he will continue to raise conflict- attempting to have us reject him- until we finally say "enough". It's not going to go away…
or get better.
I have had it.
I cannot be the martyr anymore.
It is time to reclaim my life and learn some lessons.
I have to trust that it is time to make this move.
I may have karma to deal with…
or this may be part of the karmic plan.
husband and I feel this is the best option…
before someone gets hurt.
I am not sure how long it will take for CYS to make alternative arrangements for placement for him.
I am going to speak with the group home leader tomorrow also. I hope they can make things transition as smoothly as possible.
I will keep you posted.
my heart is heavy…
I don't know what else to do.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, October 1, 2016
It's all reactions
Hi Mags,
I'm worried that you are having the AWOL week from hell this week. I still feel like shit. I did however, take a strong herbal expectorant, and should be grateful. It seems to be massively effectively!
My youngest got admitted to a Medical Assisting Diploma course today. She is so excited about life. Her first class is 10 days after her surgery. But being excited seems to have taken some of her attention away from her knee.
I had the baby overnight, so mama could have an early morning meeting. We watched a video about babies of the forest. She likes animal documentaries a lot. There was one scene that caught my attention. A mama koala was climbing a tree, with her baby on her back. She climbed into the crotch of two limb and put her hand around one of the limbs. The baby climbed her, up over her shoulder, then flipped directions, and slid down in front of mama, so the baby's head was on the mama's chest, and the mama's head was nestled over the baby, sheltering her.
It was so sweet and safe.
I realized it was co-sleeping, or family bed. I held my infants in my arms all night long until they were at least a year old. I read a lot about the family bed to justify my decision....just being a good hippy mama!!
Basically, I never made a decision. I just knew this was where they belonged.
Yesterday I finally made the leap. They slept in my arms because no one was going to touch them in the middle of the night, unless they came through me.
So many more of my parenting decisions did come in reflex to - to it different than they did. So much, that I can't see it all...
Anyway, I am finally alone. Something to eat. A movie. Early bed.
Love and hugs from Clare
I'm worried that you are having the AWOL week from hell this week. I still feel like shit. I did however, take a strong herbal expectorant, and should be grateful. It seems to be massively effectively!
My youngest got admitted to a Medical Assisting Diploma course today. She is so excited about life. Her first class is 10 days after her surgery. But being excited seems to have taken some of her attention away from her knee.
I had the baby overnight, so mama could have an early morning meeting. We watched a video about babies of the forest. She likes animal documentaries a lot. There was one scene that caught my attention. A mama koala was climbing a tree, with her baby on her back. She climbed into the crotch of two limb and put her hand around one of the limbs. The baby climbed her, up over her shoulder, then flipped directions, and slid down in front of mama, so the baby's head was on the mama's chest, and the mama's head was nestled over the baby, sheltering her.
It was so sweet and safe.
I realized it was co-sleeping, or family bed. I held my infants in my arms all night long until they were at least a year old. I read a lot about the family bed to justify my decision....just being a good hippy mama!!
Basically, I never made a decision. I just knew this was where they belonged.
Yesterday I finally made the leap. They slept in my arms because no one was going to touch them in the middle of the night, unless they came through me.
So many more of my parenting decisions did come in reflex to - to it different than they did. So much, that I can't see it all...
Anyway, I am finally alone. Something to eat. A movie. Early bed.
Love and hugs from Clare
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