rambling

Clare,

The 'independent living' counselor is preparing him to move into independent living once he ages out of the foster system. One of the reasons we chose to bring the young man into our home was because of the 'aging out' of the foster system. At 18 they are deemed ready to be adults and turned loose. a large percentage of homeless are aged out foster kids…
no one to care about their well being…
the system did all they could until that magic 18th birthday or high school graduation whichever comes second…
it probably resonates with me because of what Papa Delana used to say to each of us as we were teens…
18 and you're out of here!!!!
When I first offered a home to the young man he refused-politely…
I told him the offer was a standing offer and even if he didn't come until after high school- on college breaks- I'd have a safe place for him. I just wanted to offer a place to belong.
He is fitting in well.
I am trying hard not to 'baby' him…
not to make up for his hardships by buying him stuff…
not to make excuses for poor choices.
It's hard to keep things in perspective, especially with my youngest's recent behaviors.

I am disturbed by mom's email yesterday about Papa Delana…
I am worried that this is serious…
I don't want to be an alarmist, but I have a sense that this is going to lead to his demise.
(I will deny ever predicting that…bad omen)
I do feel that this is going to be a challenge…
and I'm not sure he's really up to it.
He will likely end up with a second tube protruding from his abdomen- draining his urine.
This is going to sound really selfish…
but…
I believe this is my opportunity to right things with him.
I could visit him and talk and clear things up.
I don't know if I have the courage to really talk to him.

I went to the barn this evening. A good friend was there. We talked.
I told her things that are on my mind and she immediately answered me…
directing me…
we stood by the pond and we talked about my youngest…
our father…
and my young man…
each time she gave me direction.
In a way that she's never done before…
very clear…
very direct…
hard to ignore.
I almost saw someone else's face in hers when I looked at her.
She told me to teach again.
She told me to allow my youngest to live and experience, but not hurt himself.
She told me that my young man was in a good space.

I'm still open to help and guidance…
I am full of gratitude for tonight's.

I completed my 6 month, 70 hour course today in Trauma Studies…
It feels good to be finished, but I will miss the weekly stimulation and sharing of ideas.
The director of the MSW Program where I took most of my classes called me last night…
asking me to teach one class in human behavior in the fall…
Monday nights for 3 hours…
it is do-able with my current job.
I am meeting with her next week…
I believe I am going to say yes.
I feel badly having just given up PSU classes, but this is one evening pre week and Masters level students are less needy.
Do you think I'm spreading myself too thin?

The psychiatrist met with husband and I today. She asked us to be consistent and non-negotiating with our punishments. She told us to walk away when he wants to engage in an escalation of emotions. She asked us to be curious as to what works best for him prior to the rage. She told us to call the police if he does run away. She told us that we may precipitate a crisis that ends him in the hospital to make an impression on him- better the hospital than jail was her point.
I have to be clear, consistent, non-negotiating, loving, curious, empathic, and the list goes on and on.
Am I capable of all of that?
He is without a car for the summer…
I will have some control over his mobility.
He is starting football workouts next week…
that should drain his energy a bit…
hopefully sleep better.
I wish he would work more and have less free time on his hands.
I am going to speak with his coach and explain some of what's going on…
maybe he can guide him a bit.
It's going to be an interesting summer…
hold on tight, it's gonna be a wild ride!
She suggested the medication Wellbutrin for depression with the high impulsivity…

I am meeting with my friends this Saturday to discuss establishing Integrate- mind, body, and spirit wholeness…

I am rambling tonight.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie