I know you do...

Good morning Mags...

Did your son get to see a psychiatrist?  What you just described sounds manic to the nth degree.  Do you think he is bipolar? What are the consequences for him?  Does he just get to behave that way, and when the episode is over, everything is back to normal?  Does he think what happened is normal - even remotely in the range of normal?

I found it interesting that he could calm himself down to see if he hurt you yet, and when you said no, he could move back into bullying rant.  Does he do this at school?  Does he do this at work? Does he do this to friends? If not, then he can control it. He chooses to do this to you and your husband.  Are you the safe place? He knows you will love him and never reject him and so he discharges pain on you...Or is he just a classic bully?

I still think something violent happened to him, and his brother. Asking them and accepting their no does not remove that possibility, that potential truth.

When my kids told me they hated me, and every single one did, my response was always. "I know you do."   Because I knew they did...at that moment they truly hated me.

So I went back through the blog, because I mentioned that my oldest was going to have a baby at the beginning of May. You were among the first to be "told".  When I told my kids I was starting this blog, years ago, everyone acknowledged it, and my oldest simply asked that it not be about them.  So I have tried to focus on my issues, and not draw a lot of my kids' issues in - even though theirs is caused by mine. And so the news was subtle, but it was there.

I rewatched an old favorite film last night.  It is Always, a Spielberg film. It is similar to the more mainstream, popular Ghost, but made with kindness and love rather than the judgmental hellfire BS in the second film. In the end the character says,  "The love we hold back is the only love that hurts."

It is such a beautiful line. I have been playing with it, thinking about being afraid to reach out, being afraid of rejection - my classic not good enough hiding place.  I was thinking about waiting for others to want me, to ask me, before flowing in...I guess I have been thinking about regret.

It doesn't help to think about it if I wallow in it.  The point it to learn and do something different! So I am thinking...always thinking.

Today's plan - go get the last of the seedlings I need - Brussels sprouts, winter squash, a few melons, and more flowers. There are never enough flowers!

Love and hugs and shoulders and whatever else you need...

Clare